Logline

alex whitmer

alex whitmer

Veteran
I find these harder to write than entire screenplays ...

A young woman is on the run from her violent father and her violent past. When it becomes clear her struggle threatens the safety of those around her, she knows the only option is to turn and fight.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com
 
Hey perfect timing on your logline post alex, I came here to post one as well.

I am not even sure how specific or vague for that matter loglines should be but the only thing in yours I would suggest is instead of telling me her struggle is now affecting the safety of those around her, tell me HOW it is affecting them.

Did her violent father come back and is threatening them?
Is she going crazy trying to cope with her past that she is now the problem?

I think you get my point, hope that helps.

If you could look at mine I would appreciate it.

Hey just working on a logline and wondering how interesting you all think it is?
If you could let me know what is missing for if it even explains the story well enough.
Young, a resident psychiatrist, is entering his fifth year of a four year program. To finish he must prove to his mentor he can determine why Leonard is who he is, a self-admitted serial killer.
I would appreciate any comments and suggestions. This is my first logline so beat it up.
odetotud
 
alex whitmer said:
I find these harder to write than entire screenplays ...

A young woman is on the run from her violent father and her violent past. When it becomes clear her struggle threatens the safety of those around her, she knows the only option is to turn and fight.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com
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I think there's some extra info here that doesn't add much. I'd go with "A woman running from her past decides to turn and fight."
 
I agree with brianluce that it's a tad verbose- But with respect, I think brianluce's version leaves a little too much info out. "A woman running from her past" could mean what- She's a criminal? She accidentally hit someone with a car?

You don't want to leave out all the details of her outer conflict, as per the violent past, father etc. You could try something like:

"A young woman runs to escape a violent father and past, but when her struggle threatens everyone around her, she must turn and fight."

I highly recommend "The Elements of Style" by Strunk and White. I hated reading it in high school, but have found myself re-reading it more and more over the years. Really helps you nail your message when writing anything, and is really great for a log-line, treatment, etc, without all the extra words.

Hope this helps.
 
maestro1d said:
I agree with brianluce that it's a tad verbose- But with respect, I think brianluce's version leaves a little too much info out. "A woman running from her past" could mean what- She's a criminal? She accidentally hit someone with a car?

You don't want to leave out all the details of her outer conflict, as per the violent past, father etc. You could try something like:

"A young woman runs to escape a violent father and past, but when her struggle threatens everyone around her, she must turn and fight."

I highly recommend "The Elements of Style" by Strunk and White. I hated reading it in high school, but have found myself re-reading it more and more over the years. Really helps you nail your message when writing anything, and is really great for a log-line, treatment, etc, without all the extra words.

Hope this helps.
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I get accused, probably justly, for splitting hairs, but in this case, since it's a pitch where every word counts, it's probably a good idea. I'd go with either violent father or past, not both. I prefer past because saying only the father makes it sound like a chase.
I think my version DOES leave a little too much out but I'm hoping there's another story element Alex can give us to round it out.

I second the vote for ELEMENTS OF STYLE. Forget all those screenwriting books and get that. Get two copies, put one on the shelf and one in your bathroom--it's more useful during your daily meditation than the sports page. They also make great christmas gifts, it's a tiny little book and doesn't cost much.
 
But you're right ... it needs to be the bare minimum and still give the essense. So far it doesn't sound all that unique.

It's really about the young woman on the run in fear until her nightmares finally reveal what happened, and that fear becomes rage and a vow to get revenge, but more important to her is to find her mother's remains.

An important part of the pitch is the big fist fight between father and daughter near the end. I'll gladly share the short synop if that will help.

A young woman is on the run from her violent father. When her recurring nightmares reveal the truth about her mother’s murder, it is the father who is now on the run. To find her mother’s remains, she will need to go toe to toe in an epic battle.

www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com
 
God I have loglines - you can win or lose in a sentence.

"A young woman is on the run from her violent father and her violent past. When it becomes clear her struggle threatens the safety of those around her, she knows the only option is to turn and fight."

How about:

A woman on the run from a violent past of an abusive father learns she must stand and fight, or risk the loss of everything she has grown to love.

Or something similar, in one sentence.
 
A young woman, on the run from a violent father and her own broken past, must now stand her ground to save everything that matters.

A young woman, who has been running from the memories of her violent father and a broken home, must now stand her ground to fight for everything that matters.

To finally escape her broken past, a young woman must now take a stand and face her most dangerous enemy.

e
 
I think I've got it:

A young woman on the run in fear until her nightmares finally reveal what happened, and that fear becomes rage and a vow to get revenge.

This is of course Alex's own summary, but I think it's easily the best. Check it out, all the others give away that Dad is is the problem, this one creates mystery (what's tormenting her????) and makes it a revenge story. And revenge stories are almost always engaging. It's one of the most powerful story motivations.
 
Haunted by dreams of her mother’s unsolved murder, and the real-life nightmare of her controlling father, Sarah will do anything to get away. When the truth comes out that her father was the killer, Sarah must return home to face him, and put her mother’s body to rest.
 
alex whitmer said:
Thank you guys. Man this is painful shiza.

I see your point on the myster bit ...

A young woman's life is in danger when her recurring nightmares reveal the truth about her mother's murder. She puts on the gloves to meet her past head on.

I don't love it, but it feels better without the father bit included.

a
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You need to be much more specific than that. How many times have we seen women in danger? How many times have we seen recurring nightmares that reveal the truth of the hero's past? How many times have we seen parents murdered? How many times have characters met their past head on?

Viewed from such a general perspective, it almost looks like an exercise in the cliche.

You need details and specific references to why she is terrified, and why she is on the run to get people to look past the fact that they've seen the film before in a different shape. No movie is truly original, but the details get people to ignore that.
 
brianluce said:
Disagree. The logline should introduce the concept and stimulate our interest, not give away the entire plot.
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You can be specific without giving away the entire plot. Details capture peoples' imaginations, while generalizations do not.

Many of the log-lines in this thread do a decent job at summing up the story, but they do not stimulate much interest, because they are much too generic.

How are you supposed to get someone to read your script, if your log-line sounds like a hundred other movies he's all ready seen or read?

It doesn't matter if the actual story is cliche or not, a good log-line will make it seem new and exciting.
 
agcohn said:
You can be specific without giving away the entire plot. Details capture peoples' imaginations, while generalizations do not.
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Not for me, your logline makes me feel like I've already ready the script. Too much plot detail. Just one guy's opinion.
 
brianluce said:
Not for me, your logline makes me feel like I've already ready the script. Too much plot detail. Just one guy's opinion.
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Are you saying that I reveal too much of the plot, or that I've put too much detail into the individual beats of the log-line? There is a big difference.

Details are the only thing that make any script original, because we've seen all the general forms before. You want to make the log-line as dramatic as possible. Details allow people to envision the story, while cliches don't.
 
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