Logline, please help!

M

mikewest13

Well-known member
I have a script for a feature horror that I have listed on Inktip.com. I'd appreciate help refining the logline please.

here is what i have:

An aspiring criminal profiler falls directly into the path of those she has vowed to stop when a class project uncovers a tourist attraction that is killing its customers.

www.houseofpainmovie.com
 
Here are a couple others I had.

1) On a class project, Christina and Mark uncover more then they bargain for when their suspicions are confirmed about a fun house that is more death than fun.

2) a young woman tramatized by her mothers murder vows to put away serial killers once she graduates university. Through a chance pairing with a fellow student, a haunted house attraction that appears to be trapping and killing random paying customers, is accidentally uncovered.
 
Each version has elements I like and elements that need clarification

I think your logline needs to give us an indication of what the protagonist has to do after uncovering the haunted house. What is her task? Is she in a life and death struggle to escape from the house? Is she trying to destroy it?
 
she is trying to put the house out of business, but through a series of revelations learns that her past and future tie into the house.
 
how about:

A university student falls directly into the path of those she has vowed to stop when a class project uncovers a fun house that is more death than fun. After a series of revelations tie her past and future to this "tourist trap", Christina must decide once and for all if blood is thicker than water.

Something like this....
 
A university student falls directly into the path of those she has vowed to stop when a class project uncovers a fun house that is more death than fun. When a series of revelations tie her past and future to this "tourist trap", Christina must choose between "right and wrong".
 
After a class project uncovers a fun house that is more death than fun, Christina, an aspiring criminal profiler, must face her worst fears when a series of revelations tie her past and future to this "tourist trap".

I think this is the one.
 
"After a class project uncovers a fun house that is more death than fun, Christina, an aspiring criminal profiler, must ..."

So far so good, but the rest doesn't work for me. I think you need an action that makes the reader see a movie. An extended action. "Face her worst fears" is rather passive. We need to know what she will be doing, and why.
 
"After her high school class project uncovers a fun-fair 'haunted house' that is more death than fun, aspiring criminal profiler Christina must uncover the house's link to her past and future before it destroys her and her family."

(I'm presuming the family bit, but it would be good for more than just her to be threatened - equally it could be her boyfriend, best friend, grandam, whatever)
 
Actually, the words "...a funhouse that's more death than fun..." sound like a really good clincher for the END of the logline. Is there a good way to rearrange the verbage to put this at the end?
 
How about this?

"A high school senior and aspiring criminal profiler, Christina suddenly finds herself neck-deep in a mystery so chilling that it threatens to destroy her and those near to her when she uncovers a carnival funhouse that is more death than fun."
 
She's actually in university :)

her family does tie in to the house.

And its not a carnival fun house, its actually a haunted house that you pay to go in and get scared, but I say fun house because I don't want people to think of an actual haunted house, the type with ghosts that is.
 
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"For her final thesis project, Christina, an aspiring criminal profiler, discovers a grisly link between her past and a fun house that is more death than fun."

Should I add....

"Now she must decide if blood is thicker than water!"
 
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She has a partner for the project that is a supporting main character, not sure if I should include him in the logline as it might muddle up the main premise
 
"While doing research for a final thesis project, Christina and Mark find themselves trapped inside a fun house that is more death that fun. Forced to fight for their lives, they must also deal with the shocking revelations that link them to this "tourist trap".
 
"Christina and Mark" and the "shocking revelations" should probably be left out.

This works for me:
An aspiring criminal profiler and her classmates must fight for their lives after they find themselves trapped in a fun house that is more death than fun.
 
"An aspiring criminal profiler and her classmate must fight for their lives after they find themselves trapped in a fun house that is more death than fun!"

Ok... I like this one.

Grrrr... why are freakin loglines so hard!
 
mikewest13 said:
And its not a carnival fun house, its actually a haunted house that you pay to go in and get scared, but I say fun house because I don't want people to think of an actual haunted house, the type with ghosts that is.
Click to expand...

I'm not 100% clear ... is it an actual haunted house that has been turned into a tourist venture? Or is it just a plain house that has been made into a tourist venture by making it seem to be haunted?

seunosewa said:
An aspiring criminal profiler and her classmates must fight for their lives after they find themselves trapped in a fun house that is more death than fun.
Click to expand...

So far I like this the best
 
its a haunted house, in Niagara Falls, Canada, that you pay to go in and get scared... you walk in the dark, things jump out... etc...

So its like a fun house, but no clowns, and its pitch dark inside.
 
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