Latest short comedy
- Thread starter obin
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Rakesh Jacob
Veteran
honestly obin i was just responding to your call for "HONEST RAW FEEDBACK." i usually don't criticize people, especially artists with your astounding abilities. but since you asked i thought i would oblige because quit frankly you are very gifted and i see great potential in your work (unlike anything else i've seen here). i think there are a lot of great writers that would love the opportunity to collaborate with someone of your astounding talent, just ask around.
DarkMatter
Veteran
I love the look very filmic, What were your settings. Btw, I liked your cop one but it moved at a strange pace.
Justyn
Veteran
Reminds me of a favoirte joke of mine...
Pirate comes into a bar... sits down and takes a huge steering wheel out of his pants.
Drunk guy looks over and asks whats it for.
Pirate: "Arrrrgggghhhh, It's driving me nuts!".
In being brutally honest, as you requested, I'll give ya my .02 cents. I did stand-up for a while.. been a life-long comedy freak... and I'm about to produce my first sketch comedy show... So, i'm not an expert.. but I've had my share of exposure and immersion in comedy. So, in giving you some RAW comments, the two elements that you are lacking... are brevity and comedic attrition. Your set-ups are too long and they lead to a single joke or single funny comment... instead of having humor and/or comedy ever 10 seconds or less. Like there should be very little phat on a sketch and be as funny for the entire piece as possible... otherwise things end up like SNL sketches that go on and on forever. I prefer the Monty Python Approach.. where you blow up a sketch, or a character walks out, or things are really short and sweet... I think ya bombard an audience... kill 'em with comedy. When it's set-up and build up for one piece, then it's a JOKEY piece and not really comedy. Like even most stand-up comedians, don't tell jokes. It's observations... and personal perspectives...
That being said, it is a funnier piece than the cop one.. but could still work in a shorter version.. and with some comedy sprinkled throughout and not just at the end... I'll be the first person to put my stuff up for criticism when it's ready and I hope I'm as cool and open as you are.
Just think a bit more about every second as being funny... about it being a sketch and.. not about creating a universe or a "FILM". If it's funny, no one cares it's not the best production values... It's just funny.
Pirate comes into a bar... sits down and takes a huge steering wheel out of his pants.
Drunk guy looks over and asks whats it for.
Pirate: "Arrrrgggghhhh, It's driving me nuts!".
In being brutally honest, as you requested, I'll give ya my .02 cents. I did stand-up for a while.. been a life-long comedy freak... and I'm about to produce my first sketch comedy show... So, i'm not an expert.. but I've had my share of exposure and immersion in comedy. So, in giving you some RAW comments, the two elements that you are lacking... are brevity and comedic attrition. Your set-ups are too long and they lead to a single joke or single funny comment... instead of having humor and/or comedy ever 10 seconds or less. Like there should be very little phat on a sketch and be as funny for the entire piece as possible... otherwise things end up like SNL sketches that go on and on forever. I prefer the Monty Python Approach.. where you blow up a sketch, or a character walks out, or things are really short and sweet... I think ya bombard an audience... kill 'em with comedy. When it's set-up and build up for one piece, then it's a JOKEY piece and not really comedy. Like even most stand-up comedians, don't tell jokes. It's observations... and personal perspectives...
That being said, it is a funnier piece than the cop one.. but could still work in a shorter version.. and with some comedy sprinkled throughout and not just at the end... I'll be the first person to put my stuff up for criticism when it's ready and I hope I'm as cool and open as you are.
Just think a bit more about every second as being funny... about it being a sketch and.. not about creating a universe or a "FILM". If it's funny, no one cares it's not the best production values... It's just funny.
Rakesh Jacob
Veteran
well stated justyn
peter orland
Well-known member
G'day Obin.
Another expertly shot clip, particularly the lighting and the colour timing/post work. For me, this clip, unlike the Road Rules short, felt more like a television commercial. This is not so much a criticism but just a personal observation. Having watched it numerous times now I think it is the R&B music stings (intro, middle, end) that help to create that feeling of watching a commercial.
Anyway, thanks for posting.
Another expertly shot clip, particularly the lighting and the colour timing/post work. For me, this clip, unlike the Road Rules short, felt more like a television commercial. This is not so much a criticism but just a personal observation. Having watched it numerous times now I think it is the R&B music stings (intro, middle, end) that help to create that feeling of watching a commercial.
Anyway, thanks for posting.
DavidBeier
Veteran
Ok, gonna be totally harsh here.
The premise sounds like it would work a lot better as a joke. In fact, I'm really curious if you got the idea from a joke: "Drunk guy walks into a bar and asks to use the bathroom. After a minute, the bartender hear's a scream and runs into the stall. The guys says, "everytime I flush, it crushes my nuts." The bartender says, "that's because you're sitting on my mop bucket!" As a joke, it works. As a short film, it takes too long and isn't worth the build up.
That said, VERY WELL MADE. You're lighting was simply fantastic. The music was well chosen. You're shot choice was very competent and moved things along well. Finally, I thought the acting was right on the spot for what it was. Content is king but I'm sure when you find a good story you'll show us some amazing stuff.
Out of curiosity, what was your budget? It looked expensive with a nice bar, good actors, professional lighting, and a lot of extras.
The premise sounds like it would work a lot better as a joke. In fact, I'm really curious if you got the idea from a joke: "Drunk guy walks into a bar and asks to use the bathroom. After a minute, the bartender hear's a scream and runs into the stall. The guys says, "everytime I flush, it crushes my nuts." The bartender says, "that's because you're sitting on my mop bucket!" As a joke, it works. As a short film, it takes too long and isn't worth the build up.
That said, VERY WELL MADE. You're lighting was simply fantastic. The music was well chosen. You're shot choice was very competent and moved things along well. Finally, I thought the acting was right on the spot for what it was. Content is king but I'm sure when you find a good story you'll show us some amazing stuff.
Out of curiosity, what was your budget? It looked expensive with a nice bar, good actors, professional lighting, and a lot of extras.
hairy_llama
Member
Total budget was $0.00 dollars.
Called up some friends for extras/actors.
Shot all the "extras" scenes in about an hours or two.
Spent much more time shooting the bathroom scene.
Called up some friends for extras/actors.
Shot all the "extras" scenes in about an hours or two.
Spent much more time shooting the bathroom scene.
ya, that is my brother, Hairy_llama..funny name eh...LOL he made that annoying FURP dude
anyway, total budget was.......roll the drums.........FREE!!!!!!
are you guys ready for more or what? we are gearing up for the next one.
I am working with a writer, can't wait to see what he comes up with on the next one...
it's like an addiction to CRACK.
anyway, total budget was.......roll the drums.........FREE!!!!!!
are you guys ready for more or what? we are gearing up for the next one.
I am working with a writer, can't wait to see what he comes up with on the next one...
it's like an addiction to CRACK.
DavidBeier
Veteran
Very impressive that it's no budget. Out of curiosity, what did you use for lighting because it certainly doesn't look like natural light.
Jay Rodriguez
Coffee Member
i think they all were really impressive and funny as hell, keep it up
We are trying our best, have so much commercial production going on that it's hard to squeeze them in!!
Here is what I have been doing the last few days:
http://dv3productions.com/norwalk/norwalk_h264.mov
We are working on a huge animation/website/greenscreen project at the same time...can't talk about it as we are under NDA from the Agency..but its gona be SICK when done. Agency says an "award winner"...I dunno about that, but we are working hard on it!
Here is what I have been doing the last few days:
http://dv3productions.com/norwalk/norwalk_h264.mov
We are working on a huge animation/website/greenscreen project at the same time...can't talk about it as we are under NDA from the Agency..but its gona be SICK when done. Agency says an "award winner"...I dunno about that, but we are working hard on it!