SHORT: Kiss My Ashes Goodbye

H

Hank E

Member
Please view my latest entry into the "Bike Shorts" film competition in Roanoke, VA. Here's a link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkuqGKNKBvo&index=14&list=PL4m8lQGvjPNxO75BvCzKOb8xhgNCYo53R

It won the "audience choice" award in this small film festival--only 13 entries. However, it recently was rejected in two other film competitions.

My question is: how do you shorten a film like this but still get the idea of the film across to the viewer.

P.S. Please view the entire film. There is a scene after the credits. (Would you have put the final scene BEFORE the credits?)

Thanks in advance for your constructive criticism.
 
For something like Bike Shorts, the submissions are all over the map in terms of quality and the submissions aren't juried under scrutiny like a regular film festival might be. Keeping that in mind...

Sound seems to be all in-camera mic for dialog, yes? That may fly for local, come-one-come-all film festivals, but not for something that's juried.

For the phone conversation, the cutaways had no phone effect on the off-cam dialog. That's disorienting.

It also seems that quite a bit of the film (too much of it) is dedicated as a montage simply to justify inclusion of the entire song written and recorded for the film. This adds too much time that is wasted by drawing out the story of the bike getting stolen over and over again. I have seen this happen too many times with similar festivals (like our local 24-hour, 56-hour, and 5-day shootouts). When you're so invested in the idea of the song and you build your film around it and keep it as the focus, the storytelling loses out.

Things that seemed completely out of place: the dumping of the ashes (it just happens without provocation, doesn't really make sense), and the zombies (why?!). Having the ashes dumped seems necessary for the story arc, it just needs to have a little more intentionality. The zombies make no sense and lend nothing to the story whatsoever.

The credit sequence went on way too long for something that had no sound and didn't scroll. Folks aren't going to stick around for a post-credit easter egg if the credits give no reason to stick through them.

When it comes to tightening up an edit, I usually watch through and ask myself of each shot, "Does it help the story, hurt the story, or make no difference?" If the answer is anything other than "it helps the story," it gets cut.
 
Last edited:
Alex,

THANK YOU for taking the time to respond.

Your critique was spot-on and I think this will help me become a better filmmaker.

I appreciate you taking the time to reply and I'm grateful for the information.

Hank
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top