Jon's Fall

caution - spoilers ahead! (sorry)

russell,

after reading your script, i had a few questions about the story, what exactly happened, and why. you've pretty much answered them in previous posts here, #20 in particular, so i won't ask again. :thumbup:

great writing. pacing was good and matched the urgency of the plot. i really enjoyed imagining the pickup truck barreling through the park field while falling bodies rip the hot-air balloons to shreds. wouldn't that look amazing on screen...

to me it seemed like you really enjoyed the writing process. maybe it's the pacing; it felt like you wrote it about as fast as i read it, like you couldn't stop until it was done. does that even make sense? sorry if it doesn't.

thank you for sharing your script with us. :)
 
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^SPOILER^

I think this is my favorite script so far. I am reading and commenting on each one as I read them. But I must say this is the most original and exciting story yet. I am not usually surprised in films and I just wasn't sure I wanted to believe it might have been him. So great job.
Pauly
 
Very nice. My favorite so far. Great Sci-Fi aspect. Great story. Well written. Great job.
 
Preston - It makes perfect sense and I'm glad it felt that way. Hopefully that means that you really felt the urgency of it.
I'm glad the hot air balloon scene came across visually. I wanted to try and think of a unique situation. Thanks for reading and commenting.

Pauly - Thank you for the kind words, I appreciate it. I'm glad to hear you didn't want to believe he did it, makes me feel like I was successful in setting it up.

Stylz - I'm happy to hear it connected with you. Thanks for the read and the compliments. Much appreciated.
 
SPOILERS

Great job. I really enjoyed this story. I liked the way you used the concept of instantaneous transportation as a catalyst for the story. Usually when one thinks of that type of technology the first thing that springs to mind is the Transporter from Star Trek. I like that you thought up a new and terrifying way to exploit this technology for a story.

There was a lot of good stuff in this script. Characters were well developed in a short time. I liked the race to get to the transport station. Good action and suspense. I didn't see the end coming. Good little twist at the end, although I don't know if that would work as well if this were a feature or longer short script, but for a 6 page short the darker irony you ended on is satisfying.

I don't really have anything bad to say about Jon's Fall. A few nitpicks would be that I wish there was a little more info on the transport tech -- is it quantum teleportation? Is it using some sort of manmade wormholes? The story works without more of this info but I personally find it interesting and it adds some more credibility to the imaginary technology for those not as well versed in science and science fiction.

Some of the action scene description (mainly the race to PTS), while well done, could maybe be fleshed out a bit. I'm guessing the 6 page limit caused some compression here when normally there would be a bit more detail. Don't get me wrong, it works, but I think it would be even more riveting if you gave the action sequence some breathing room.

Again, good job man. I would love to see this produced due to some great visuals and some exciting action wrapped up in a good story. I enjoyed God's Warehouse from the first scriptfest. I think you topped it though with this one. If my name was Ebert I'd give this one a thumbs up.
 
This was one of my favorites so far as well. I think you handled it nicely. I even like how you tried to mislead any reader who might have been on to the fact that Jon was responsible with his supposed horror that he might have caused the deadly episode by going to get some coffee.

I was thinking that someone would have shut down the system way before they did, but your explanation suffices. :)

Excellent work here!
 
Samantha - thanks for the kind words. I would say horrified is probably the appropriate response. Thanks for reading.

Nektonic - Thanks for the thorough review. The compliments are much appreciated. You are correct I hacked a lot of descriptions and detail out. The script originally came in at about 10 1/2 pages.
I also combined the action blocks in some spots to save room as well.
Glad to hear it still worked for you for the most part. I'll take all the thumbs I can get!

jamiejay - Thank you, glad to hear you liked it, thanks for taking the time to comment.
 
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Nektonic said "I enjoyed God's Warehouse from the first scriptfest. I think you topped it though with this one."

(I messed up the quote thing.)

Thats the great thing about these fests. I learned so much from the feedback I got in the first scriptfest and I applied it to this script. I'm glad to hear that it shows. I owe it to all the great critiques I received.
I'm learning more from the critiques in this fest. There are so many good writers here.
 
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Conlan,

Liked the concept, and the script overall, but a couple of things puzzled me. Maybe it's a "just me" sort of thing, but here we go. :)

First, the PTS is a "gigantic room" with "thousands of people" waiting in line--and yet it's only got one entrance that can easily be sealed off? (On my first read, I somehow got the impression that the sealed-off room was a control room of some sort, and then was confused why they just didn't get the people out of line to go into the "transporters, so had to go back and figure out where I'd gone wrong.) Seems a bit of a fire code problem. ;)

Second, is this a one-way-only facility, outbound? No incoming traffic? I guess it kind of has to be for the story, because any arriving passengers would notice that single entrance/exit sealed and possibly start a panic, but it seems a waste of space to have an entirely separate "gigantic room" as an arrival terminal.

I think I just hit on the crucial element of what I'm trying to say--it just seems there's a few too many things that are the way they are just for the sake of the story. And Lord knows we've all done that, I'm sure somebody could go to either of my entries and justifiably raise the same critique; these just stuck out to me in this script.

Overall, though, you've got a great concept, lots of great moments (finding the card, of course, and I was just struck by the idea of the technician giving his "I got it!" speech to absolutely nobody, since all the cops are presumably chasing Jon into the station : ), and a solid story; and I enjoyed the read.
 
Thanks for reading and commenting Captain Pierce. I appreciate it.
I don't think its just "you". Because you bring up some good points and I have two solid answers and one never occurred to me to include in the script at all.

These were mostly lost to space limitations with the 6 pages. I hacked away a lot of stuff mostly in the race to the PTS and with the cops at the PTS.

I originally had more about all the entrances being in lock down(and other stuff about the situation) and more discussion between the Captain and Andersen.
At one point I whittled it down to Andersen just saying all the entrances are in lockdown and then whittled that down to "its in lockdown" to encompass that and everything else (including an alarm system inside the Wayport station).

At the end of this script I was pulling my hair out (its growing back in nicely), because one or two words in the wrong place was pushing me into page seven. So I went back continuously and cut stuff out or condensed it down to its simplest form.

I always imagined that the there was a seprate room for incoming. Though I admit it never occurred to me to address it at all in the script.

When the Tech shouts out its meant to appear simultaneously as Jon rushes down the tube, so there would still be cops in the room, though enroute to the wayport tube. (but I see how it might be unclear)

Captain Tenor is still in the room, he wouldn't run anywhere.
I lost some personal description and mannerisms on him as well. I really had him coming across as an arrogant preening peacock, but that got whittled down to "slick and overly groomed " and a few dismissive hand waves.

Hope that answers your questions suitably and thanks again for taking the time to read and get me feedback. Damn! Maybe a few strategically placed giant handguns would have won you over ;)
 
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A few notes on the script.

A lot of stuff about the Wayport Station got hacked.
The main reason this room is so hard to get into, is that all the PTS buildings double as bomb shelters. Thats why the doors can be sealed and the building is built the way it is. It's meant to be impregnable, they just never thought it would be used against them.

911 actually influenced my idea for the story. The transport system, the bomb shelter, were things we built, but it never occurred to us that they could be used against us. Like commercial airplanes.

What was never in any version of the script is why we have bomb shelters. I was envisioning a new cold war in the future. The other super power being China of course. Paranoia is at an all time high about bombs and communism. History repeats itself.

I had this as a backstory in my head, but never wrote it. I knew I'd never have enough room to go into any of that.

More backstory that never made it to the page.

The Freedom Militia, a terrorist group in our own backyard. Well organized and financed (possibly by other countries?)and completely radical. They are fed up with being overly governed, freedoms taken away and big brother. Big brother is listening and watching everything all the time.

Its only gotten worse with the rise of China and communism. The government is more paranoid than ever and todays Patriot Act is small potatos compared to the new Safe America Act. We are seeing communist witch hunts again led by certain government officials.

Okay enough rambling. Thanks to all for the constructive feedback I've received in the scriptfest. Its a great learning experience.
 
conlanforever said:
At the end of this script I was pulling my hair out (its growing back in nicely), because one or two words in the wrong place was pushing me into page seven.
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I hear you--I had the same thing on my first idea, except that in my case it was page 8. :D It gradually dawned on me that maybe this was not the right piece for this fest... In your case I can understand going for it, though.

The stuff I mentioned didn't create huge deal-breaking plot holes for me as I was reading, it was more the kind of thing you thought back on later. "Well, wait a minute--what about..."

I always imagined that the there was a seprate room for incoming. Though I admit it never occurred to me to address it at all in the script.
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My assumption that they would be combined is probably just due to waaaaaaaaaay too many Star Trek episodes where the one transporter pad does it all. :) (Although it does also follow from any sort of train/subway/bus station analogy--the outgoing people take the place of the people who have just come in.) Really, when I stop and think about it, separate arrival and departure "pads" makes sense for a public transport application of this technology, to minimize the chance of somebody being in the way when the incoming traffic materializes.

Anyway, easily fixed in a script not limited by the page count, by showing both buildings with simple sign that points left for arrivals and right for departures. :)

When the Tech shouts out its meant to appear simultaneously as Jon rushes down the tube, so there would still be cops in the room, though enroute to the wayport tube. (but I see how it might be unclear)
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I was the one who was unclear there--I knew that you hadn't written it that way, it was more of an idea that came to me as I was typing the post.

Maybe a few strategically placed giant handguns would have won you over ;)
Click to expand...

Can you just imagine the feedback on that? "Why does it matter how large Captain Tenor's handgun is? He never even uses it!" :D
 
I think everyone has pretty much covered the "questions" and thoughts.

What I want to say is what a great script idea. I was right there on the street watching the blue flashes and the people falling.
 
Have you seen The Happening? I'm not really recommending it, but it also features people falling from the skies, but for a very different reason.

This was a great story idea, and very well executed. Lots of good comments have been made in this thread already, but I do have a few minor things.

One is that the pacing is so great most of the time that I feel like the scene when Jon arrives in the control room throws it off. The script feels like it's about to climax then it stops dead in its tracks for a page. Maybe all the scene needs is some extra urgency.

I also found the title, though highly appropriate and with a double meaning, to not really grab me. It made me think the movie was going to be a lot more mundane than it was.

Anyways, this was an excellent script. I love your set-ups/pay-offs, and your great visual images. Good job!
 
Noel thanks again, I'm happy to hear that the images were that vivid for you.

Jason, thanks for the comments. When I was writing it or rather condensing it. I actually felt the same way as far as the page when Jon gets to the Station. That the brakes were applied a bit, I think if I could have been able to spread that exposition stuff out a little it might have helped a bit. But I kind of had to hit it all at once. Which I think quite a few people had the space problem.

A title didn't really jump out at me for this script, like on my first two scripts that I wrote. But then I'm talking to the "titlemeister" that came up with titles like "The Five Worst Days of Bartholomew Saxton" and "Grimples and the Golden Scroll" :thumbsup:

Thanks again for reading , the feedback and the kind words. Its much appreciated.
 
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