Jon's Fall

On a day when the city's sky is filled with screams, a man races against time to save his family and will discover that one small mistake may have great consequences.
 
Ah good Captain Pierce, I had to put in a bulk order this time around. I really wanted guns ablazing, but when the first draft came in at ten pages I had to cut out four pages of giant handguns ;)
You probably won't even recognize that its my script.

Thanks Preston, I hope you enjoy the read! I lived in Tampa for 14 years, just moved back to Michigan a few years ago.
 
Thanks Judgement.

I hope the story plays out well after I hacked it down 4 1/2 pages.

I couldn't get a poster designed the way I liked it.

So I'll just call this a "Script Grab" :cheesy:
 

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The suspence in this script is through the roof! Excellent pacing. The visual of the blue flashes is stellar and the reveal of what's happening is really clever.

****SPOILERS****

The only question I have about the script is if Jon really was behind the disaster, why would he spend so much time talking to the detectives? I'd think his priority would be to blitz past them in an effort to save his family, not stop and chat.

Aside from that, this is a very good script.
 
Krestofre, I wanted to keep the suspense ratcheted up a bit, so I'm glad to hear it came across.

I actually cut and/or condensed a lot of the stuff after Jon gets to the Station where law enforcement confronts him to get to the 6 page limit..
But the main reason he can't go after his family immediately is because the door has been locked down and the cops have to cut through the hinges. Maybe this fact lost some clarity in condensation.

Thanks for reading and the kind words and comments..
 
Great job, I loved every second of this script ... cool visuals, a nice style of writing, it definitely had me wanting a few more pages to keep the story going.
 
Very good script. A neat idea.

Pros: I loved the suspense and the concept. You made excellent use of the time allowed, and it had a great beginning and ending. I also liked the concept of the frogs in Magnolia, only with people:)

Cons: For some reason, I just couldn't believe that people would not have seen what was going on sooner. It shouldn't have taken that long for people to figure out that with the blue flashes in the sky, it's the same as the PTS, and #1- to avoid it, and #2, the guards could have gone up and blocked the tubes and not allowed people to go through them.

Overall though, great story, suspense, and emotion.
 
Thanks for reading MFS.

My intention was that the Wayport would actually be locked down and communications and control would be cut off.
So no one could enter or leave and the thousands of people that were already in the Wayport would be unaware of what was going on outside.
So once the wayport was actually locked down, no new passengers could get in even if they wanted to and you're right they wouldn't want to anyway.

I appreciate the comments.
 
Good story that shows you have a strong imagination and great use of visuals. with the first person falling I had to read it again, as it kind of took me by surprise (which means it should make for a great moment/scene if filmed).

I needed more as I feel this would make a great 10-15 minute short as it is I felt we need more background/story. But for six pages, you crammed in a lot.

Well done and best of luck with it.
 
IT'S RAINING MEN...HALLELUJAH! (oooh..that should be playing on the truck radio)

I really enjoyed this story. It actually upset me a bit reading it, which is good, I think. I especially liked the last moment in the portal smiling at Jon. Eerie. Perfect title too!
 
Sean - If you were surprised than I accomplished my purpose, glad to hear it. Thank you for the kind words.

Rachael - Raining men lol. I'm glad you liked it and I'm happy to hear the script evoked a response from you, even if it was being upset ;)
Thanks for taking the time to comment, I appreciate it.
 
Love this ...

Painfully peaceful ELEVATOR MUSIC

You get an extra star for that one.

A small issue with this ...

A BODY plummets from the sky and CRASHES into the bed of the​

truck

Wouldn't that render the truck close to useless

This ...

My God, you sayin' if I don't get​

coffee.

Are these typos


Story


I think you handled the urgency really well.

A most excellent story. Sad how the karma had to work out, but that's life.

Great touch with the card, added a personal depth, and left you MC with something that will haunt him.

Didn't he know about the camera

Really, really enoyed this piece. Nice original concept.

alex


 
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Alex

I appreciate the kind words.

I admit I had a small issue with the truck/falling body incident. This is how I justified it to myself. If the truck's bed is up in the air when the body hits it, this would help slow the momentum and lessen the impact when the truck hits the ground. In the future trucks will have greatly improved construction and suspension.
Most important of all(but the least justifiable), I thought it was cool and wanted to keep it in the script :)

The next issue, no those are not typos. But my attempt at realistic dialogue. I'm still working on it.

Jon did know about the camera and the "octopus" code was supposed to corrupt the security video. Which it did to a certain degree, but the tech was able to recover a lot of it, even though the picture was still in bad shape.

I'm glad you liked the card. I put it in on my last draft. I thought the story needed a little more emotional punch.

Thanks for taking the time for a thorough critique, I appreciate it.

I had a very lengthy review from you on my Scriptfest 1 script. I had a lot of ING and tense problems. I also had a few issues with writing action "the way you want to see it unfold on screen" and some other tech issues. I copied it and pasted it into a word document and referenced it while I was writing this script. So thanks for that as well.
 
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