Is This Confusing?

[brownpaperbagproductions]

There's some choices in here I'm not sure about, I won't say what they are because I want people to go in as unbiased as possible, so watch it then if anyone mentions it I know it's a problem.

http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=20497356


Again, like our other videos, it's for myspace/youtube so don't get snooty over visual crispness, though I have to say I'm rather happy with the way this one turned out.

 

[wald0]

"Is this confusing?" In a word: yes. I think I understand what you're going for here, and it's almost working. I find it very difficult to put into words what it is that you're trying to do, so bear with me.

The first reveal for the creepy character is when he makes the comment about beating someone into a pulp. This changes the conversation from one that sounds like he's arguing with his girlfriend into one I'd expect the serial killer from "Silence of the Lambs" to be having.

Then when the elevator stops and lights start to flicker, we see him get uncomfortably close with the protagonist. This doesn't make sense in the context you've created, though. I mean, sure, he's playing the creepy mass murderer or whatever who has severe emotional problems that would lead him to cuddling with a stranger, but there is nothing before this to even hint that this guy would do this. Maybe have him give him an odd look while still on the phone, maybe have him size him up and lick his lips, have him wink or something.

Lastly, where is this going? Short films do not cater to the idea of "the audience decides the outcome" very well, in my opinion. Even without changing the ending, there needs to be more story here, so that if you DO decide to let the audience decide the outcome, they at least have a narrative map already lined out. As it is, this is all we have:

Guy A gets on elevator with Guy B who is on phone. Guy B says some violent things on the phone, scares Guy A. Elevator stops and Guy B hugs Guy A while humming.

Why does Guy B hug Guy A? Because he's creepy? If there is another reason, please let me know, as "because he's creepy" may seem to give the character depth, but it doesn't give the character a spine, if that makes sense.

 

[brownpaperbagproductions]

Well, we're going for Guy B hugs Guy A because he's scared but is covering it up by being macho/scary. We assume he is probably an abusive guy physically though not to the degree he claims over the phone. It's also why he hums but tries to make it creepy to cover it up.

I'm not sure where this can go to be honest, the thing I thought would be confusing is what I tried to hint at as a cycle-ular ending; because if you notice the humming in the beginning/end is from guy A to suggest that this might be a memory of guy B, along with the long dissolves to give a more dream like feel.

 

[wald0]

Well, we're going for Guy B hugs Guy A because he's scared but is covering it up by being macho/scary. We assume he is probably an abusive guy physically though not to the degree he claims over the phone. It's also why he hums but tries to make it creepy to cover it up.

I'm not sure where this can go to be honest, the thing I thought would be confusing is what I tried to hint at as a cycle-ular ending; because if you notice the humming in the beginning/end is from guy A to suggest that this might be a memory of guy B, along with the long dissolves to give a more dream like feel.

Wow. Ok. Well, I think this is a really great idea, but it's just not coming through right now. He needs to react more clearly to the elevator jamming up, and I think he could afford to put some more hatred into his telephone conversation (just don't tell him this, as this is a result direction).

The whole dream/memory thing... honestly I think you should forget about that. Otherwise it becomes a little too much for such a short piece, and the whole "it was just a dream" thing is second only to the "our main character wakes up at the beginning" on the list of short film cliches.

If you'd like, I can put a little more thought into what exactly I would suggest you do and email it to you.