I'm writing the beginning pages of a romance/thriller....What are people's thoughts?

L

luke_Miller

New member
I'm beginning to write (and will direct) a romance/thriller that's set in 1865 and that's centered around two people - Christopher Collins and Thisbe Riverton and how they both suffer the wrath of a horrific voodoo curse placed upon them by Thisbe's family in an act of their rage over Thisbe and Christopher being together. I've only written fourteen pages so far but it would help to get people's thoughts on it. I have attached it here:

View attachment Untitled.pdf
 
Now my reply button is working! lol


Anyway yes this is a script for a project I plan to direct/fund myself as an independent filmmaker.
 
The reason I asked is because a pro reader would normally be impressed by the prose contained in the directions.

You don't need to spend time polishing it for yourself.

As to action scenes - have you ever seen "Stalingrad"?
 
DLD said:
The reason I asked is because a pro reader would normally be impressed by the prose contained in the directions.

You don't need to spend time polishing it for yourself.

As to action scenes - have you ever seen "Stalingrad"?
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"A pro reader would normally be impressed by the prose contained in the directions.".....Ok so I'm a little thick right now, is that a - good thing or a compliment?

and no, I have never seen Stalingrad.
 
luke_Miller said:
"A pro reader would normally be impressed by the prose contained in the directions.".....Ok so I'm a little thick right now, is that a - good thing or a compliment? ...
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Sorry, not a compliment.

A paid Hollywood action screenwriter usually offers a top notch prose as his description of the scenes and action. At least, at the very beginning.

This is the opening of the "Blade Runner" by Hampton Fancher and David Webb Peoples.

FADE IN:

EXT. HADES - DUSK

We are MOVING TOWARD the Tyrell Corporation across a
vast plain of industrialization, menacing shapes on the
horizon, stacks belching flames five hundred feet into
the sky the color of cigar ash. The CAMERA MOVES INTO
a window in the large pyramid-shaped building. A man
is sitting at a table. Another man enters the room and
sits down. The following scene is reflected in the eye
until HOLDEN is seated.


INT. TYRELL CORPORATION INTERROGATION ROOM - DUSK

The eye is magnified and deeply revealed. Flecks of
green and yellow in a field of milky blue. Icy fila-
ments surround the undulating center.

The eye is brown in a tiny screen. On the metallic
surface below, the words VOIGHT-KAMPFF are finely
etched. There's a touch-light panel across the top
and on the side of the screen, a dial that registers
fluctuation of the iris.

The instrument is no bigger than a music box and sits
on a table between two men. The man talking is big,
looks like an overstuffed kid. LEON it says on his
breast pocket. He's dressed in a warehouseman's uni-
form and his pudgy hands are folded expectantly in his
lap. Despite the obvious heat, he looks very cool.

The man facing him is lean, hollow-cheeked, and dressed
in grey. Detached and efficient, he looks like a cop
or an accountant. His name is Holden and he's all
business, except for the sweat on his face.

The room is large and humid. Rows of salvaged junk
are stacked neatly against the walls. Two large FANS
WHIRR above their heads.
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See now I thought it was supposed to be much the opposite, leaving out anything camera/shot-related and keeping it strictly dialogue and bare bones descriptions (just enough for clarity). Maybe it depends on who wrote the script (i.e someone hired to write a script for specific project vs some rando trying to sell a script he wrote on his own).
 
Josh Bass said:
See now I thought it was supposed to be much the opposite, leaving out anything camera/shot-related and keeping it strictly dialogue and bare bones descriptions (just enough for clarity). Maybe it depends on who wrote the script (i.e someone hired to write a script for specific project vs some rando trying to sell a script he wrote on his own).
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I'm totally with you. I write my own scripts so I include all the camera movements/angles that I'm going to shoot as a reference, since I'm the one that's going to be shooting it anyway. I call it my "shooting script". But everywhere I've read about script writing, and the critiques I've seen ppl giving other ppl on their scripts, ppl that have camera angles, compositions, shot types, etc in their scripts ALWAYS get the worst feedback. I've read more than enough times where ppl say leave out any shot types and/or camera shot information out of your script because that's the directors job to come up with that; unless it very vital to the script.
 
I think that's the key though. . .in the post with that exerpt it says "a paid Hollywood screenwriter". So I'm assuming if someone's like "Hey! Write us a script for Spiderman 63", that's when you use that style.
 
What would you like to get feedback on? You didn't say. Practicalities of shooting this? How good the idea is? How good the execution of the idea is? How viable it is as subject matter these days? And so on. As an example, to take the last question: this is going to be highly political - interracial romance set right after the Civil War - are you in a position to do that... I can't say much more about that, because we have a rule on dvxuser of not discussing politics, but roughly, this might get a different reception, depending on your own background, sorry - it may be OK to tackle it, or it may be very, very risky.
 
Ugh youre being steered wrong here. :(

get a book called "your screenplay sucks" there's a section thats called "physical writing" that explains this. Its worth the whole price of the book.

and yes, it matters.

writing correctly (tight)( will help you learn to think clearly and starkly in terms of (just) sounds and pictures.

-------------------------------


EXT. BATTLEFIELD - DAY

ARMED CONFEDERATE SOLDIERS scramble across a battlefield, DUCKING TRACES OF GUNFIRE and DODGING EXPLOSIONS.

A GENERAL leads the charge, pointing a bayonet.

CONFEDERATE GENERAL

MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!
 
Josh Bass said:
See now I thought it was supposed to be much the opposite, leaving out anything camera/shot-related and keeping it strictly dialogue and bare bones descriptions (just enough for clarity). Maybe it depends on who wrote the script (i.e someone hired to write a script for specific project vs some rando trying to sell a script he wrote on his own).
Click to expand...

In "Blade Runner", the opening is integral to the story arc and is borrowed from the original by Dick. In the quoted excerpt, Fancher and Webb Peoples are setting up the mood of the narrative. But, for non-war action scenes from recent flicks, I found the "Oblivion" fairly well done (the full script should still be on IMSDB, though I haven't checked that site in a long while).
 
There's a difference between a script written by someone hired to do so, and a spec script, and one you write for yourself. Most of us are not in the same career situation as Shane Black or Tarantino or someone being paid to adapt a property.

The general advice to keep description short and terse and avoid "novelistic" passages probably applies to most peoples situation. There are so many benefits to it, but personally I feel it helps your writing. Immensely. It teaches you to think about THE MOST ESSENTIAL THING that describes the scene or action or character or whatever. If you shoot your own scripts, it helps your filmmaking in general.

Most of us will never be lucky enough to have a big studio head read our spec, but when you send your script out for advice from friends, or a forum like this, people will be much much more apt to read it if is tightly written. When I send my scripts out to friends or anyone else, they read them and tend to enjoy reading them, because they are EASY and FAST to read- the tight writing creates the experience of "seeing the movie" in their heads as they read, which is what, ideally, reading a script does.

Also:

The book "Writing Movies" by Gotham Writing Workshop teaches it well, also.

Learn to do it, you'll be better off.
 
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