I...Win

Russell Moore

Russell Moore

Well-known member
I...Win (My Pain is Your Pain)

Identical twins share a connection that takes sibling rivalry to the next level.







I may enter with "My Pain is Your Pain" as the title. Still undecided.
 
Last edited:
Good to hear the title is well received, now I'm probably going to change it :grin:

Logline added....Poster to come(hopefully) I have no ideas for it yet. Not to mention I have yet to start writing the script, but I have worked out a basic outline in my head.
 
Strong concept.

My initial thought for a title was... "Win:Win". Has a sense of both being the same.

I love the basis for this, lots to play with. Do they know each other that well? Are they the same? Can they predict? Do they want the same thing, eg girl?

Interested to read this one.

All the best.
 
Okay...being the master procrastinator that I am....I am about 90% done with my first very rough draft and...now I have to go to work. Will finish when I get home. Let it set for a day and then rewrite. Let my wife (my toughest critic) read it and then rewrite it again.

Not sure if this is going to turn out to be horror or just weird. :)
 
Last edited:
I'll back your ballerina coming of age story (terrifying) if you back my uplifting returned-veteran-finds-new-age-religion-and-cures-cancer-with-love-beams rom-com (the horror). :)

Weird is a kind of horror isn't it?

Or just put these in your title :zombie_smiley::zombie_smiley: I....Win :zombie_smiley::zombie_smiley:
 
Egg Born Son said:
I'll back your ballerina coming of age story (terrifying) if you back my uplifting returned-veteran-finds-new-age-religion-and-cures-cancer-with-love-beams rom-com (the horror). :)

Weird is a kind of horror isn't it?

Or just put these in your title :zombie_smiley::zombie_smiley: I....Win :zombie_smiley::zombie_smiley:
Click to expand...



lol....how did you know?!
 
I was unsure about the title, but it has received positive feedback...thanks.

First really rough draft done (had to work overtime the last couple days), but on to the rewrite. It's at 9 pages now, should be easy enough to chop down to 6 pages...just in case some twisted demented film maker would actually want to bring it to life.
 
Well that was creepy. And not just the ending, but genuinely creepy throughout.

You know how to write a script and I could find no flaw in the mechanics of it. Instead of a critique so to speak I'll tell you what I would have liked to see more of.

I'd like the relationship with Mae established more. I didn't feel that there was enough there for me to feel an emotional connection to her when she was being attacked, or a catharsis as Nathan does what he does.

I'd also like the relationship between the brothers and parents established more. The visual concept of each having half of the picture of their parents is great. I'd love you to expound on that more. I know the riding crop scene was geared towards doing that, but I would have liked more manifestations of this broken relationship.

Overall, nicely done.
 
Sucks to be a twin, hey?

Your writing style seems a little laboured somehow on this one but not in any way I can define. It reads easily and on the whole there's not much you could do to reduce the descriptions. Maybe I'm just tired. Or maybe it's just the page formatting, artificially inflating the text per page compared to standard. Actually I think that's it. It seems like there's a lot of words on the page because there is. Hmm, what have I achieved here? I really need to go to bed!

I think I can say with fair certainty that this is the first story where someone has Bobbit-ed someone else through this particular self-sacrifice! The particular grimy-ness of this story would be incredible fun to bring to the screen. It put me in mind of the first act of a film called 'Bad Boy Bubby', one of the most intense film experiences I have had in a please-let-me-out-of-the-theatre sense (in a good way, an unpleasant experience delivered by a true artist, crucial to setting up the awesome experience of the rest of the film).

I'm pretty sure I've seen this twin-story a couple of times before in Twilight Zone/X-files type shows but you definitely put your own spin on it. It hasn't been a competition in the ones I've seen and the extra element of the twins taking separately after their parents is inspired. The self-loathing and the subtle way you shed light on their parents and that lasting impact on them took a simple idea to the next level and added depth. Extending even to the age of Mae, a mother substitute?

Some unnecessary CONT'Ds and CONTINUOUS but no harm no foul. I didn't see any that weren't implied in the body of the work.

Character development almost to the point of character study, in 10 pages no less. Mae's attitude to Nick on first meeting was very telling. Many scenes pointed not only to current events but also hinted tantalisingly to events the past without spelling them out.

So my main complaint would simply be the page layout. It's crazy that a deviant formatting can make a difference but it seems it does. As far as requirements met: Horror, definitely creepy, brought to mind a number of films in terms of atmosphere, half of them horror, the other half the real horror of domestic abuse. Two locations and low requirements in terms of production and fx. Nice one.


EDIT: I concur with Chris about Mae but feel differently about the parents. The possibilities opened up by the ambiguity are legion. To nail them down to something specific won't compete with the viewers interpretation. You've opened the door, let people see what the want on the other side of it.


Sorry Chris, yours is the only one I've got left and I just don't think I can get to it tonight. Not without doing you a disservice. I've noted which ones I've reviewed tired and will re-read them to make sure I've been fair. I won't be submitting scores til I've read them all.
 
krestofre said:
Well that was creepy. And not just the ending, but genuinely creepy throughout.
Click to expand...

Excellent, I was definitely going for the creepy vibe.

krestofre said:
I'd like the relationship with Mae established more. I didn't feel that there was enough there for me to feel an emotional connection to her when she was being attacked, or a catharsis as Nathan does what he does.
Click to expand...

Point taken...I actually had a few scenes involving Mae in mind, but wanted to try and make it a 6 page script, but didn't make it anyway, so I kinda of wish I had included them.

krestofre said:
I'd also like the relationship between the brothers and parents established more. The visual concept of each having half of the picture of their parents is great. I'd love you to expound on that more. I know the riding crop scene was geared towards doing that, but I would have liked more manifestations of this broken relationship.

Overall, nicely done.
Click to expand...

I felt pretty happy with what I had as far as the child/parent relationship. I really wanted to spell a little bit out and leave some to the readers interpretation. But it sounds like you picked up several things that I was going for.

Thank you.

I appreciate you taking the time to give me feedback.
 
Sucks to be a twin, hey?
Click to expand...

lol, yeah...part of this was roughly inspired by my nieces (really,really,really roughly) They are identical twins and have very different personalities and they can love each other and be the closest of friends one second and then just rip each other apart emotionally the next second and then they're sticking up for one another the next second....it goes beyond any sibling relationship I've ever seen.

It reads easily and on the whole there's not much you could do to reduce the descriptions. Maybe I'm just tired. Or maybe it's just the page formatting, artificially inflating the text per page compared to standard. Actually I think that's it. It seems like there's a lot of words on the page because there is.
Click to expand...

Someone (it may have been Keaton) mentioned my page format before in another scriptfest. I just use the basic screenwriting format that comes with "Movie Magic Screenwriter", maybe I need to look at it and see if I can customize it.

It put me in mind of the first act of a film called 'Bad Boy Bubby', one of the most intense film experiences I have had in a please-let-me-out-of-the-theatre sense (in a good way, an unpleasant experience delivered by a true artist, crucial to setting up the awesome experience of the rest of the film).
Click to expand...

Okay, now I have to look this up and see what you're talking about :)

The self-loathing and the subtle way you shed light on their parents and that lasting impact on them took a simple idea to the next level and added depth. Extending even to the age of Mae, a mother substitute?
Click to expand...

Character development almost to the point of character study, in 10 pages no less. Mae's attitude to Nick on first meeting was very telling. Many scenes pointed not only to current events but also hinted tantalisingly to events the past without spelling them out.
Click to expand...

The possibilities opened up by the ambiguity are legion. To nail them down to something specific won't compete with the viewers interpretation. You've opened the door, let people see what the want on the other side of it.
Click to expand...

Excellent...all of the above makes me feel like I accomplished much of what I was going for, feels good to see that a lot of it came through. I definitely wanted to leave portions of it open to the readers interpretation. Thank you.

As far as my writing seeming a bit labored, I think I was having a bit of trouble deciding how I wanted to write the descriptive scenes of violence. I wanted to actually write a violent script without actually showing any of the violence. I was hoping to clearly imply the violence through the other twins reactions, rather than actually show the actual violent acts. My writing may appear a bit labored in these scenes, because I labored at it and was a bit uncertain (perhaps this showed in my writing) of how to write it clearly so it was obvious what was happening, even though you weren't seeing it. (jeez, this paragraph seems a bit labored)

Thanks for thoughtful critique, it is appreciated and helpful.
 
The twins names both start with "N". It's hard to keep track of who's who, especially when Nick's pain affects Nathan and vice versa.

The flogging is creepy. The twins relationship takes an ominous turn.

Oh damn. That is graphic. Nice ending. You went for the jugular and didn't hold back. You also didn't say "I...Win" in the end. Wasn't expecting that.

I like Nathan's prissy demeanor. Everything prim and perfect. It provides a nice contrast against Nick.
 
Comments as read-

Pg 2 ***Twin 30 year olds. Tough on finding actors. I see by the top/bottom margins this is actually longer than 9 pages.

Pg 3 as if it smells of mothballs. ***novelistic, how shown?
The boxer short - riding crop scene I don't follow. Okay I see it is explained seconds later on film in the next scene. BTW - the use of the f-bomb. What function other than limiting your audience.

Pg 6 ***Way too much dialogue for my liking. This is pg six. I think it would have been better compressed to two so far.

Pg 7 Nick presses a hand over the face in the mirror. ***This needs a better description I think to tell us what is happening. Why did he drop the lighter? Is his hand to hide the face? Is his brother watching through the mirror? Is he in pain? - like his brother is getting him back?

Love Mae *** why is the 30 year old out with a 50 year old?

Pg 10 So he cuts off his penis to get back at his brother? Tough to fathom. You show his crotch with the statement "His crotch the source." Nudes actors on a horror short would be tough to find I think. So why does Nick die before Nathan?

Overall - Sorry, I'm not so sure I like this. I know it's horror, but the blood and gore are a bit much for me. The story itself, one twin feels what happens to the other, of course has been done before.
It's not scary. So I'm confused who is the audience? Again, not my genre. You definitely have an imagination. :)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top