Grimples and the Golden Scroll

Thanks for the great feedback jamiejay and Nektonic!

In terms of the "volleyball" description, I agree that it seems odd. I just had the thought of "coconut." Does that work better?

jamiejay, the red jewel does not hold any special significance yet, but it would be interesting if it did. If I ever do a longer version of Grimples I will keep that in mind. My main reason for the jewel was to give a strong visual reference to make Zinklen stand out from the other creatures of his species.

It should indeed be "peek" Nektonic. I meant for the story to take place in an entirely fictional world. I never thought that the audience might be mislead by the two suns, but I can see how it might lead them to expect a different kind of story. Does anyone else have a thought on this issue?
 
I went back and looked at the script and I think one of the reasons the volleyball reference may have taken a reader out of the story might be as simple as adjusting the description slightly.

Here is how it is in the script. I can see when reading you might get the image of a rope with a volleyball on the end of it for a split second.

Attached to the end of
the rope is a volleyball sized metal ball.​


Maybe just reversing the description would get rid of that. Something like this.​

Attached to the end of the rope is a metal ball about the size of a volleyball.​

The first image you get in your head is a metal ball.

The two red suns lead me to believe that you had created your own world. Nice visual by the way. But I made no assumptions after that as to what I'd be seeing. So it wasn't a problem for me personally.
 
Personally, I'd like to see more fantasy done that isn't supposed to be happening in some secret part of Earth's prehistory. :) Two red suns is good by me. :D
 
Great story. I loved Grimples as a character and would be interested in a longer version of this quest or even a back story to him.

For this story, I had a slight problem with the 1 line dialog blocks. They kind of became repetitive early on, i.e. Grimples name starting of a sentence two or three lines in a row. It broke up the natural flowing of reading the story.

I also echo the King comment about him not wanting to hurt other people. I didn't take it as him being a kind King it just felt like it didn't fit cause at that point I had assumed Grimples was going to stop him or his group. Maybe revising that bit to show him in a kinder light prior would make it more believable.

Other than that I felt this was a strong script with a lot of potential for follow-up.
 
This was non stop action from start to finish. I really liked the ride.

One thing for me though, is Grimples seemed a constant victim of circumstance which drove him, obviously made sense with the killing of the bird, but when he is saved by Warfulk, the wolf bird seems to know where to go without getting any direction and then it seems pure circumstance he is brought down where he needed to be.
 
I see what you're saying Noel. I think a short scene where Grimples is clearly steering or directing Warfulk would probably help.
 
jasonthewho said:
I see what you're saying Noel. I think a short scene where Grimples is clearly steering or directing Warfulk would probably help.
Click to expand...

I think, and Ive said it before. Fitting everything into six pages is very tough.

Really would like the next one to be ten personally :P
 
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