jasonthewho
Veteran
Grimples and the Golden Scroll
Written by Jason Johnson-Spinos
Written by Jason Johnson-Spinos
Grimples and the Golden Scroll
- Thread starter jasonthewho
- Start date
alex whitmer
Veteran
Do you sit up late at night and think of the most unusual titles possible?
The title alone demands a read.
a
www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com
The title alone demands a read.
a
www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com
Last edited:
jasonthewho
Veteran
Considering I work the night shift, but spend much of that time thinking about filmmaking, that's fairly accurate.
Glad the title enticed you!
Russell Moore
Well-known member
Love the title and the poster, I've really liked what I've read/seen of yours so far, so I'm looking forward to the read.
You're becoming a regular titlemeister
You're becoming a regular titlemeister
jasonthewho
Veteran
Let's get this party started!
krestofre
Knight of the Holy Order
I really, really, really like Grimples' motivation. The words he says to the king are really powerful for how simple they are. This is an imaginative tale that is screaming for a longer treatment. The more that Grimples has to go through to achieve his goal, the more powerful his actions become.
****Spoiler****
The only problem I had with the script is when the King stops the marksmen from shooting because they might hit the competitors. Given the circumstances I think the assumption from the character would be that Grimples is attempting to assasinate the King. I think the King would assume this as well and wouldn't stop someone from saving his life. At the very end we get an indication that this is a very benevolent King, so maybe he would decide that he's going to risk himself to save innocent people, but at that moment in the script we're not aware of that and it feels a little strange.
****Spoiler****
The only problem I had with the script is when the King stops the marksmen from shooting because they might hit the competitors. Given the circumstances I think the assumption from the character would be that Grimples is attempting to assasinate the King. I think the King would assume this as well and wouldn't stop someone from saving his life. At the very end we get an indication that this is a very benevolent King, so maybe he would decide that he's going to risk himself to save innocent people, but at that moment in the script we're not aware of that and it feels a little strange.
alex whitmer
Veteran
I have to mirror Chris' points about the King and the situation at hand. Had me reading it twice to see if I missed something.
What's not to like about Grimples? All the while I was reading I kept seeing an older and rehabilitated Gollum.
The whole falling rope bridge thing is ooooold! With the fun little world you created, I think you could have found something more original, or at least less traveled.
I think this would technically fall under fantacy, but you certainly pulled off the 'your character makes a mistake' requirement very well.
Very fun read. Enjoyed my moment with Grimples.
Alex
What's not to like about Grimples? All the while I was reading I kept seeing an older and rehabilitated Gollum.
The whole falling rope bridge thing is ooooold! With the fun little world you created, I think you could have found something more original, or at least less traveled.
I think this would technically fall under fantacy, but you certainly pulled off the 'your character makes a mistake' requirement very well.
Very fun read. Enjoyed my moment with Grimples.
Alex
krestofre
Knight of the Holy Order
I thought that too, but decided not to judge it because I thought the addition of the sea creature was fairly interesting. Still, if two people have the same thought while reading a script, it probably means something.
jasonthewho
Veteran
Thanks for the comments Chris and Alex!
Yeah, the rope bridge thing is old, but I'd prefer to call it a classic. Like Chris said, I tried to spin it a little bit with the sea monster, and I do like having fairy tale elements that are immediately recognizable. That said, I definitely could have been more creative.
In regards to this being a fantasy Alex, I was just going off what the rules state.
Genre: Science fiction (This is broad, you can encompass fantasy or more twilight zone elements.)
Yeah, the rope bridge thing is old, but I'd prefer to call it a classic.
Like Chris said, I tried to spin it a little bit with the sea monster, and I do like having fairy tale elements that are immediately recognizable. That said, I definitely could have been more creative.In regards to this being a fantasy Alex, I was just going off what the rules state.
Genre: Science fiction (This is broad, you can encompass fantasy or more twilight zone elements.)
Mark Harris
Pain in the ass
Ha ha, I will come back to comment later Jason, but I wanted to say: "You'd better not let Hudson catch you with this script in a Sci-Fi contest!"
MiataFilmSomething
Well-known member
Good story to read, but I had to read it a few times to really get what was going on. Of course, I'm probably just slower than the average bear.
Grimples is a good character, and it's fun to follow him on his adventures because he's a likeable character. I didn't mind the bridge scene too much; think of it as a classic tribute to old school fantasy tales.
I also like the character of the king. He makes Grimples's efforts worthwhile to Grimples himself.
Fun read!
Grimples is a good character, and it's fun to follow him on his adventures because he's a likeable character. I didn't mind the bridge scene too much; think of it as a classic tribute to old school fantasy tales.
I also like the character of the king. He makes Grimples's efforts worthwhile to Grimples himself.
Fun read!
Russell Moore
Well-known member
I love Grimples. Where can I get my action figure?
I like this genre and I really liked this script. You created a great character with Grimples, I admit the rope bridge thing has been done, but nevertheless I was kept in suspense and thought you did a good job of conveying the action. The sea creature was a nice touch.
I liked the showdown at the end. Grimples words though few carry a lot of impact.
I liked the world you created here and would like to see more of it.
Well done.
I like this genre and I really liked this script. You created a great character with Grimples, I admit the rope bridge thing has been done, but nevertheless I was kept in suspense and thought you did a good job of conveying the action. The sea creature was a nice touch.
I liked the showdown at the end. Grimples words though few carry a lot of impact.
I liked the world you created here and would like to see more of it.
Well done.
jasonthewho
Veteran
Thanks guys!
MiataFilmSomething, I doubt you're stupid. What parts did you find confusing? I'd love to know so that I could write them more clearly.
MiataFilmSomething, I doubt you're stupid. What parts did you find confusing? I'd love to know so that I could write them more clearly.
pauly_the_hitman
Veteran
I enjoyed it reminded my of something my kids would read but I love that kind of stuff. Good job.
Pauly
Pauly
jasonthewho
Veteran
Thanks Pauly!
Captain Pierce
Veteran
Fun read, you create an interesting world.
One minor nitpick: on page 5, the King jumps off the platform twice. I presume the first one is "correct," since he has to be off the platform for the cylinder to roll to his feet.
One minor nitpick: on page 5, the King jumps off the platform twice.
I presume the first one is "correct," since he has to be off the platform for the cylinder to roll to his feet.
jasonthewho
Veteran
Thanks for catching that Captain Pierce!
jamiejay
Well-known member
I'm happy to see I wasn't alone in writing a fairy tale style fantasy
I LOVE fairy tales, and I think you definitely did the genre justice. Likable and intriguing protagonist, very visual character and scene descriptions, unique creatures, interesting and fast-paced action sequence ... I liked it all.
Grimples was a mix of Gollum, Shrek, and Dobby in my mind. I was really captivated by him. The action scene played out like a fantasy video game as I read, and I imagined Grimples trying to save the princess... I was close.
I did have a very minor issue with the description of the ball weapon device as "volleyball-sized". Though I realize you wouldn't hear those words on film and it was just your way to get us to picture the device, it did feel out-of-place considering the setting. But I really liked the weapon and how it was used.
As for the bridge problem... I think it's been adequately addressed, but I would have liked to see Grimples encounter a few more dangerous situations along the way. Maybe have to battle a monster or two in the woods?
I didn't have a problem with the king stopping the guards because I think it did show that he was a kind king.
With space leftover, I sort of wish there was a way to develop Zinklen's character a little more... show how sinister he was so that Grimples is that much more heroic in the end. Did the jewel in Zinklen's face have any significance? I liked the visual, but I thought maybe it meant something.
All in all, great storytelling!
I LOVE fairy tales, and I think you definitely did the genre justice. Likable and intriguing protagonist, very visual character and scene descriptions, unique creatures, interesting and fast-paced action sequence ... I liked it all.
Grimples was a mix of Gollum, Shrek, and Dobby in my mind. I was really captivated by him. The action scene played out like a fantasy video game as I read, and I imagined Grimples trying to save the princess... I was close.
I did have a very minor issue with the description of the ball weapon device as "volleyball-sized". Though I realize you wouldn't hear those words on film and it was just your way to get us to picture the device, it did feel out-of-place considering the setting. But I really liked the weapon and how it was used.
As for the bridge problem... I think it's been adequately addressed, but I would have liked to see Grimples encounter a few more dangerous situations along the way. Maybe have to battle a monster or two in the woods?
I didn't have a problem with the king stopping the guards because I think it did show that he was a kind king.
With space leftover, I sort of wish there was a way to develop Zinklen's character a little more... show how sinister he was so that Grimples is that much more heroic in the end. Did the jewel in Zinklen's face have any significance? I liked the visual, but I thought maybe it meant something.
All in all, great storytelling!
Nektonic
Veteran
SPOILERS
I had a lot of fun reading about the (final) adventure of Grimples. Poor little guy. One the bright side, there are always prequels.
I think you described the world well using an economy of words. Good job on that as it kept the story moving. I didn't have any problem with the rope bridge that others mentioned. Yes it's been done a lot in the past but if done well, which I think you did, it works. Not every little detail has to be insanely original.
I liked the plot. The decision to not reveal what the Golden Scroll says was an interesting choice. I think it gives the reader some extra motivation to see if the story actually reveals what was written on the scroll. In relation to this though, it would have been nice to actually reveal the exact words at the end of the script when the king reads it. I liked the end with the king and the death of Grimples. I did feel that it was a little rushed. This may be due to the 6 page limit, as I too had a similar problem with the pacing of my script's ending as well.
The use of "volleyball" to describe the size of the metal ball of spikes did jar me out of the fictitious time period a little. Maybe you could use "the size of an average man's head", as that would be similar in size to a volleyball.
This was a good script with a nice take on the fantasy genre. It was nice to let the troll-like character be the hero as they are usually faceless villains that the human hero hacks apart with a sword. You painted a vivid picture of the world that Grimples lives in. I think that you would be able to expand this beyond 6 pages and let Grimples go through more obstacles to get to the castle. Maybe he could first meet Warfulk on this particular quest, both becoming allies to save the kingdom. If you kept the same level of quality and adventure I bet you could turn this into a feature length script.
Also, I had one minor question. The first line of description reads: Two red suns peak (should be peek shouldn't it?) over the edge of enormous trees that enclose the rich green field. Are these two red suns there to imply that this is another planet or are you adding it just for effect? I ask because this story seems to be squarely in the FANTASY genre, not SCI-FI. I think it works as that and to be on another planet just muddies the concept because then the audience might think that there will be a spaceship or some other high technology popping up somewhere.
I had a lot of fun reading about the (final) adventure of Grimples. Poor little guy. One the bright side, there are always prequels.
I think you described the world well using an economy of words. Good job on that as it kept the story moving. I didn't have any problem with the rope bridge that others mentioned. Yes it's been done a lot in the past but if done well, which I think you did, it works. Not every little detail has to be insanely original.
I liked the plot. The decision to not reveal what the Golden Scroll says was an interesting choice. I think it gives the reader some extra motivation to see if the story actually reveals what was written on the scroll. In relation to this though, it would have been nice to actually reveal the exact words at the end of the script when the king reads it. I liked the end with the king and the death of Grimples. I did feel that it was a little rushed. This may be due to the 6 page limit, as I too had a similar problem with the pacing of my script's ending as well.
The use of "volleyball" to describe the size of the metal ball of spikes did jar me out of the fictitious time period a little. Maybe you could use "the size of an average man's head", as that would be similar in size to a volleyball.
This was a good script with a nice take on the fantasy genre. It was nice to let the troll-like character be the hero as they are usually faceless villains that the human hero hacks apart with a sword. You painted a vivid picture of the world that Grimples lives in. I think that you would be able to expand this beyond 6 pages and let Grimples go through more obstacles to get to the castle. Maybe he could first meet Warfulk on this particular quest, both becoming allies to save the kingdom. If you kept the same level of quality and adventure I bet you could turn this into a feature length script.
Also, I had one minor question. The first line of description reads: Two red suns peak (should be peek shouldn't it?) over the edge of enormous trees that enclose the rich green field. Are these two red suns there to imply that this is another planet or are you adding it just for effect? I ask because this story seems to be squarely in the FANTASY genre, not SCI-FI. I think it works as that and to be on another planet just muddies the concept because then the audience might think that there will be a spaceship or some other high technology popping up somewhere.