Ghost Town

Break up those action blocks, they are quite lengthy and would benefit from it - would help the flow of the story when reading.

Great setting, I enjoyed that you brought it to a Ghost town.
It had a good mixture of Creepy, horror and humor. Maybe a few more clues though, scattered about for the twist, not enough to figure it out but enough to make us go "oh!"

Good work!
 
Action blocks are too long here. Break them up into smaller paragraphs, as it makes it easier to read - but I bet this happened because of the 10 page limit. Gave me problems also and I over ran the limit, which forced to go back and write all the action a different way, rather than squeeze them in.

Also I don't like the use of caps in dialogue - especially when it's an entire block. Might be better to just use (Shouts). But a matter of style I guess.

Nice mix of genres here. Kept me interested and stood out from the bunch, when in a fest this is a good thing as you can get fatigued having written and then reading the same genre stories.

Didn't really like the ending. No that it doesn't work. But on first read I found myself saying "what" and had to read again. Not that the plot is complex, I think it's just not as clear as it could be (because of how it is written) - but early morning here,so maybe it's a lack of coffee thing :)

Good job.
 
Thanks for reading, guys.

Yeah, those pesky action lines. I don't normally write huge blocks like that but when it was time to condense it I just didn't want to part with the action. (I get attached to what I've written)

And stupid me, this is my first scriptfest so I had no idea the limit was 10 pages MINUS the cover page so I kinda screwed myself there :zombie_smiley:

Thanks for the feedback!
 
Hi Tim. just been reading through your script for the second time - in the light of all above feedback. Well, I really liked the ghost/western storyline and the script is good - I didn't find it confusing, not even on first read. I wrote 'first impression' comments - 'a wee (scottish) bit long windy, but v. good and neat CLEAR ending.
On re-read, I'm noticing that Robert isn't killed, but runs off to the desert... where presumably he'll die from the heat/thirst... thus allowing for 12 resident ghosts to be released??? You could have made something clearer there or perhaps I've got it wrong.
Anyway, enjoyed it loads!
 
I liked the concept, but I found it difficult to make it through this script. The dialog seemed too on-the-nose and the long descriptions weighed me down. Some of the sentences are redundant within themselves.
Maybe it was a little too much story packed in there? I don't know. I found it hard to be engaged in it. I think you could take a red pen to this and make a good script out of it. Think like a murderer. :)
 
Thanks for reading, yeehaanow. Sorry you found it difficult to make it through.

In hindsight, I probably did try to pack a little much into 10 pages. Granted, it's my first time ever writing one this short and I'm used to thinking bigger.

As far as the dialogue I was a little unsure of it myself. I have done a couple horror shorts in the past but I've never written a western or supernatural script so it was a learning experience in two different respects.

If you get a chance could you point out to me a couple of sentences that were redundant?

Thanks for feedback!
 
horror/western is really my favorite genre. i like the premise of this a lot. i think the execution could use a few more drafts. the beginning is tense and suspenseful, the idea that they have to kill each other for one of them to live is intriguing, but the ending really didn't work for me. the father ghost thing seemed to come out of nowhere. i don't like that the ghosts can physically harm the people. i'd prefer they only have the ability to keep them confined to the town. i think it would be more visually cool if the two guys had to duel in the main thoroughfare with all the ghosts of past duelers watching and the main ghost "refereeing" with a pocket watch or something. and then maybe they both draw but don't fire. neither wants to kill the other. maybe they decide to test the ghost's power to keep them confined to the town and figure out the ghosts are bluffing, they have no such power and are able to leave?

i think this premise has a lot of potential.

The townspeople have locked themselves inside
of their homes in fear of the two dangerous criminals.

John Ray and Robert keep riding into the wide-open desert
and eventually see a sleepy looking town in the distance.
Click to expand...

i think there needs to be a mini sub between these two blocks. even something as simple as "LATER" or "EXT. DESERT". the way it reads now, it's like they leave town then immediately come upon another town.

they get off their horses in front of a saloon. They tie up the
horses and head toward the saloon doors.
Click to expand...

there were a lot of instances like this that i think could be easily condensed and save you some space. you don't need to describe every step, simply saying "they tether their horses outside a saloon and approach the bat wing doors" implies that they dismounted without actually having to say it.

OUTLAW GHOST
(cocks his shotgun and smiles)
Then I kill the both of ya.
Click to expand...

i thought it "wasn't that easy"...
 
Hey man, thanks for reading.

I agree about the sluglines they were kindof all over the place and I'm making a point in my other writing to make sure I keep up with those accurately.

Also, you're right about not having to show every step of the way. After reading all of these in the fest I've seen how to condense action concisely which will help alot on future projects.

arroway said:
i thought it "wasn't that easy"...
Click to expand...

If the Outlaw Ghost killed them, their spirits wouldn't be trapped to the town. He's just given Robert the chance to save himself and kill his partner and is threatening to kill them both if he doesn't do it. It's just an ultimatum. Either one of them betrays the other and gets to walk away or neither of them walk away.
 
You'll probably get a lot of critiques for the long descriptions so I won't mention those again. :)

This reminded me of "Maverick" especially the end with him calling the Outlaw Ghost "Pa."

The problem with multiple genres is that you can either have more of one or the other and tip the scales a bit in favor of one over the other.

Horrow demands its own pace and Westerns are nuanced towards a wait, watch, act and end premise.

I believe you wrote the horror sequences quite well. The phonograph sequence was excellently paced.

While the setting is Western you have an extremely quick bank robbery, which is inconsequential, true, but the transition to the ghost town in that scene was overkill.

Pace it out. Break their jounrey. Use your scripting tools. That seuence begs for a montage. Imagine the fun a DP or director'd have to imagine the shots across the plains as they, rode, night turns to day and night again, theu share the loot, tend the horses, then roll into a ghost town. Ooh! Now we are talking. And you'll have added elements of a Western much more in detail.

Nice story. Great characters. The dialog's were adequate, but a bit on the nose.

I liked it but with a re-write this will be extremely good.

Thanks for your thoughts on "Patch-up Kid."

All the best.
 
i really liked the start of this and the idea of a ghost town where all gunslingers are condemned to go when they die. i was even suspecting a sixth sense sort of ending where it turns out that they had really been killed in their last gun fight. of course, that's been done more than once now, but it would have been kind of cool.

your description was good and i could visualize it clearly. you had a lot of action, but, as already mentioned, it could have been broken up. i was hoping you would keep it a horror. the dead horses really grabbed my attention and i loved it. i wanted more terror and gore. ;)

the ending, while not confusing to me at all, just seemed a little bit of a let down after such a great start. i agree with conlan that there may have been a way to fix it just by hinting at it sooner.

nice job :)
 
Thanks for reading Rustom and Jamie!

Rustom - Thank you for the compliment on the pacing of the phonograph scene. I agree the cut from the bank robbery to the ghost town was a little sudden. At first I had a smoother transition there but I cut it down - mostly because I didn't know we could have ten pages PLUS the title page. So I cheated myself out of a page but at least I know for next time.

Jamie - I agree in hindsight some more terror and gore would've been fun. I originally set out for a gory horror piece but it slowly evolved into more of a thriller than a horror. I see now the problem with the ending and it helps me as I am currently working on other projects with twist endings so I will be sure to place some subtle clues throughout.

I appreciate the feedback!!
 
Hey!

Yeah I liked this a lot - others have probably said the action paragraphs should be shorter - you were I'm sure just trying to make it fit within the limit but I think you could achieve this by just cutting down the length of the sentences or leaving some out.

As for the story though - very original, very atmospheric - a different tone to the rest of the entries which was cool.

And yes, I didn't get the end I must admit, but your idea was right, you just need to get it across to us a bit more clearly. You could simply have the ghost's son go back for the money at the end to remind us - I'd sorta forgotten about it.

But the single twist when we simply think Robert is crazy works very well on its own. Better maybe.

Overall, an interesting read, great concept and cool genre mixing! Good job!
 
Well, I am a little late in getting my comments out and it looks like everyone else did a wonderful job of telling you what did or didn't work. For me, I thought this was an interesting read and very original. No complaints at all. I think it is one of my favorites.
 
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