"From H.264 to Eternity" -- narrative short -- ADVICE DESPERATELY NEEDED!!!

T

ThisHideousReplica

Active member
Hi all,

This is a short (about 4 min.), scripted narrative I spent an embarrassing amount of time on...

http://vimeo.com/20985696

I really need some straight talk on how it could have been better. Definitely interested in hearing about technical mistakes, but what I really want feedback on is the storytelling, use of film syntax/language etc. etc.

I have a pretty thick skin, and am interested in making better videos, not in feeding my delusions, so be honest.

PLEASE RESPOND AND THANKS IN ADVANCE!!!
 
Ok so here are things that I thougth you could work on or things that bugged me (please keep in mind I am in no way a professional but this is just my personal taste)

some of the pans in the beginning stutter a little, not quite smooth, or speed and slow down

I did not like the cuts around :30 where he is drying his hair. In fact for a second I thought the video had skipped ahead. Since the towel is over his head I feel like there is no visual anchor so all we see is this blue color move a little bit but nothing in the background. I think it would have been better to have the camera in 3 positions rather than the talent. I get lost visually I guess

Is audio a bit off when he first sits down to unbox camera around :57?

So far I have liked the colors you have either gotten straight from the camera or created in post, however the shot at 1:09 just seems really dull to me

around 1:34 you switch from the audio to the "thought" audio or narration audio. I would consider taking out the line "what the hell is this" or just giving a little space between that and the narration as it is a bit abrupt

positive note at this point, you have some very smooth pans when he is watching tv and a little before, I think a slider would be good to insert here but im assuming you didn't have one, still the pans worked really well

I'm not quite sure I understood the story, specifically pertaining to the ending and the flashes to the cityscape.

All in all I think it looked nice and you did a good job, but since you were asking for constructive criticism I got really nitpicky with it :) Again, these are just my opinion and I think it was well done....hope that helps
 
Thetvirus, THANK YOU for the amazing feedback, completely what I was hoping for. Really impressed by your eye, you nailed a lot of the issues I was wrestling with, as well as giving me new stuff to consider--

*inconsistent panning: good note--I must admit I didn't anticipate this as an issue, but since the story starts with several pans could be a turn-off?
*audio IS off at :57--tail slated it, but the sd card ran out, simple goof. (pluraleyes probably next video purchase)
*dull shot 1:09--busted. That was a re-shoot I just couldn't get to match with original shots
*good point about audio drop-in at 1:34...felt weird about that moment but couldn't pinpoint what it was

BUT THE BIGGEST TAKEAWAY for me--it seems the story didn't really go anywhere for you--it just flopped around. Is there any direction you would have pushed it towards? Anything you would have done to strengthen a sense of narrative purpose? (keeping in mind this was always meant to be an EXTREMELY modest one-hander)

Thanks again. Would love other opinions too!
 
I think story-wise the main problem I had is that in the beginning, through opening the camera it seemed to be aiming for being funny. The duct tape shower, the music for sure, and how his place is messy because he has been contemplating getting a dslr, explaining changing his shirt, and of course there being no body in his box.

However, after opening the box it seems to grasp at a completely different feel. He is depressed, watched tv all day and just ate. Then we get to the cityscape thing and the crowd noise and he looks like he is now deep in thought, but it is completely unrelated to the camera at all. I still don't know the correlation with the cityscape and what message that is intending to send, nor do I understand drilling the vice down and putting the rock in it.

Not understanding the meaning of the story could be completely my fault, maybe I'm not picking up on something.

BUT the differing moods and the fact that it seems to really switch focus after he hears that noise (which is unexplained or unimportant) is something that I don't think is simply me not being able to figure it out.

Hope that helps!
 
Without getting too picky here - I enjoyed it overall, the ambient audio work really made it more immersive for me. However the end is my only problem. It stuck out like a sore thumb and I don't understand what was being done? But before that, it had me sucked in!
 
Thanks for the input! A shift in tone from the first half to the second was definitely something I was aiming for--looks like its not working so well in this instance. Maybe something more gradual? I didn't want it jarring and zany.

One thing for sure, I wish I put more effort into finding good music for the start--what's there is too obvious and pushes the entire thing too far in one direction imo.
 
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