First Short - - Need Feedback

i think using really familiar music with words under dialogue takes away from it... my first thing would be that this whole short is talking heads... the camera work doesn't tell us the story it just records it... stylistically i like the camerawork to tell more than the dialogue. the story is extreme which was good, but too much talking not enough action... definitely a great start though, visual storytelling is so key though, so i'd say build on that, sound could use work it sounds like their voices are reverberating of the walls, that distances the audience... point the boom at their chests, but i suspect you don't have a boom

also when you switch angle vary shot size too, the conversation at the beginning got old because the images didn't change
 
I heard the story back in the 80's so it was a really cliche' story line for me. I guess I just don't understand the motivation behind making the piece. If you have people who want to act and the time, equipment and locations, why not write something more interesting, thought-provoking?
I understand we all have the right to make any kind of film we want. (obvious exceptions omitted)
But why focus on crass, vulgarity, ugliness? No, I don't think we should all start making happy sappy films, but why the focus on such an ugly thing?
Rant finished.
Constructive comment. If you didn't have time to carefully finish the script, you shouldn't have made the film. It matters not how great the beginning and the middle are if the ending is weak. Take your time next time and write a better story.
 
I spent three of the fourteen weeks on the script. I was in a preproduction class headed by a Columbia (i didn't go there) professor and novel writer. I don't want to be a writer and I don't claim to be one. I would rather be a cameraman or a cinematographer or more accurately a mograph designer. In comparison to the others I was competing with in the class, my story/short was light years ahead, so maybe that's why my story didn't get torn apart then. I had a few people who are in directing and scriptwriting read the script and I never heard anything so negative.
 
yea i noticed the framing as well, a little to much head room, i thought the first bar scene was a little long, and i think the setup was a little sketchy, did u break 180 rule?
 
The dialogue b/w the female bartender and the guys seemed very acted and not that realistic.

I agree with other posts in this thread. Needs work.
 
As a cinematographer, you've done a good job with this piece that might be greatly benefitted by a few simple additions. First, adding to what directinglegend mentioned about feeling disconnected from the film and from the characters, it seems to me that it would be terribly important to add closeups to this film. While your lead characters are despicable creatures who should earn the scorn of the audience, the closeup allows the audience to see the character's true nature; if they are still showing their prejudice in the closeup, the audience knows those characters are truly hateable. Second, as far as the "second target" character, you could create more empathy for him by following him in closeups to the bathroom, showing maybe how genuinely excited he is to have the boys over and underlining his innocence; without fully establishing his character, he seems a sort of cardboard cutout thrown in for the sake of justice, more of a deus ex machina than he necessarily needs to be. Finally, as far as the end shot, the angle might be from below, from your lead characters looking up at the "second target;" from above, it makes a strange voyeuristic feel that almost makes the audence expect there's another party watching the event or something coming thereafter to motivate that camera angle; from below, it underlines that the main characters have been defeated and emphasizes the "second target's" superiority. (even if his performance isn't geared toward superiority; maybe you emphasize the moral disparity between the gay man and the main characters by having the gay man feel immediately guilty for doing the right thing-- the shot from below would be perfect to show such a conflict.)

Just thinking.
 
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