nitramlehcar
Well-known member
It's said that knowing a demon's name gives one power to control it...or in other cases, speaking it's name gives the demon more power itself. Depends on the demon, I guess.
"Entitled" - jamiejay
- Thread starter jamiejay
- Start date
It's said that knowing a demon's name gives one power to control it...or in other cases, speaking it's name gives the demon more power itself. Depends on the demon, I guess.
Jamie, really liked your take on this age old story. I didnt feel there was any great impacting moment, but the story didnt really need more than what it was IMO. And we all know at the end the goblin isnt done, which I very much liked.
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alex whitmer
Veteran
This is a light-hearted fest with opportunities to grow as writers. Misunderstanding are a natural part of life, so don't let it fester into something bigger. Can the poop, please. It serves zero purpose ...
Now this ...
I did not comment on the font because I have had the same conversion problems. Seems adobe gets a bug up it's arse from time to time and you're stuck with what you get. But yeah, some fests would reject it based soley on font (they keep your money, though).
I think your style can be developed into a unique 'writer's voice'. I see you said 'if I ever try script writing again ...' Well, hopefully you will, and find that writers voice that is all yours. I thought yours stood out in style. Just needs some format tweaking.
alex
Now this ...
I did not comment on the font because I have had the same conversion problems. Seems adobe gets a bug up it's arse from time to time and you're stuck with what you get. But yeah, some fests would reject it based soley on font (they keep your money, though).
I think your style can be developed into a unique 'writer's voice'. I see you said 'if I ever try script writing again ...' Well, hopefully you will, and find that writers voice that is all yours. I thought yours stood out in style. Just needs some format tweaking.
alex
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jamiejay
Well-known member
Thanks alex. Not sure I will ever try writing a script again for a fest, or even writing a script... but I will always keep writing. 
I looked up those authors, by the way. Thanks for recommending them.
(I was just going to say, "thanks for turning me on to them", but I'm sure someone would have said, "don't say turning me on"...
I looked up those authors, by the way. Thanks for recommending them.
(I was just going to say, "thanks for turning me on to them", but I'm sure someone would have said, "don't say turning me on"...
jasonthewho
Veteran
Great story! I had forgotten much of the original fairy tale, but after reading your description I'm impressed how well your prequel ties in.
My one complaint is that you wrote camera movements. These should only be in a shooting script, or if you are planning on directing. Taking them out would also tighten things up.
Here's an example:
You could write:
An oily gray liquid boils in a cauldron. A GOBLIN holds a small bloody blob of fleshy matter above the cauldron.
One other thing. What's the title mean? I'm not sure what it has to do with the story.
I'm amazed this is your first screenplay. Great work, and you really should consider writing more of them.
My one complaint is that you wrote camera movements. These should only be in a shooting script, or if you are planning on directing. Taking them out would also tighten things up.
Here's an example:
Close up of a boiling, oily gray liquid in a cauldron. Pull out and we see a GOBLIN holding a small, bloody blob of fleshy
matter.You could write:
An oily gray liquid boils in a cauldron. A GOBLIN holds a small bloody blob of fleshy matter above the cauldron.
One other thing. What's the title mean? I'm not sure what it has to do with the story.
I'm amazed this is your first screenplay. Great work, and you really should consider writing more of them.
MrKilloran
Well-known member
Nice job expanding on a classic fairy-tale, you made it flow well with the original.
jamiejay
Well-known member
Jason-
Thanks for reading! I completely agree with the shot directions. I really should have read a few more scripts and paid attention to verb tense, how scenes are described, etc. before trying to take on my own.
The title is mostly related to the fairy tale. It was supposed to refer to how the goblin feels entitled to her love for all he has done for her, and later to how he feels entitled to the child she promised him for spinning the gold. It was also a play on words because entitled can mean named, and she has to figure out his name. It probably was more subtle than I thought.
I will most likely expand the script to make the part about her not knowing his name more relevant. I was thinking knowing a goblin's name should give you power over it in some way. Then the title should make more sense.
Thanks again.
Thanks for reading! I completely agree with the shot directions. I really should have read a few more scripts and paid attention to verb tense, how scenes are described, etc. before trying to take on my own.
The title is mostly related to the fairy tale. It was supposed to refer to how the goblin feels entitled to her love for all he has done for her, and later to how he feels entitled to the child she promised him for spinning the gold. It was also a play on words because entitled can mean named, and she has to figure out his name. It probably was more subtle than I thought.
I will most likely expand the script to make the part about her not knowing his name more relevant. I was thinking knowing a goblin's name should give you power over it in some way. Then the title should make more sense.
Thanks again.
alex whitmer
Veteran
Script review
Script review
Review, page 1
Opens with scene numbers. Ixnay those.
The very first words of the action is a camera direction. You can ‘inspire’ this shot by drawing detailed attention to it, like this …
An oily, gray liquid bubbles and festers.
As there is nothing to reference, such as a cauldron, the camera will be by default on the liquid.
Then, instead of the second camera direction – pull out – maybe have something splash into the liquid, and now the audience knows someone or something is there.
From that hint, you can now intro your goblin.
I remember you said something about this cat was Muriel’s. How do we know that?
This …
CHILDREN are laughing and playing in the yard
ING verbs. Also, you already mentioned we are in a yard, so need to repeat it.
It isn’t really necessary to cap ‘children’ since they don’t seem to really affect the scene other than the background. ‘Girls’ is acceptable since they will have ‘camera time’.
This …
A young GOBLIN
Is this the same Goblin? Are we doing a back-in-time thing here?
It isn’t 100% clear, but I assume Muriel is among the three girls, and I assume that’s the ‘golden-haired’ one.
If so, say something like ‘Three girls huddle together and whisper. One of them is MURIEL, (age) golden hair. She walks over to Goblin …
This …
MURIEL
(with a look back at friends)
What are you holding?
That parenthetical action is a no no. They are called ‘wrylies’ in the biz, and should be used a little as possible, especially for actual action.
Okay, now I see it was a flashback. You need some kind of indicator, like FLASHBACK, and END FLASHBACK to make it clear to the reader when it starts and stops. ‘cut back to’ buried in the action block is easily missed.
This …
blue masked lovebird
Should be blue-masked loverbird.
This …
He reaches into a bird cage where a blue masked lovebird
is guarding her eggs. He takes out two …
Here we have all pronouns. Add Goblin’s name somewhere.
This …
4. EXT. COUNTRY ROAD OUTSIDE THE MILLER'S COTTAGE- DAY
You have not introduced the Miller’s Cottage yet, so this is a hard thing to reference in my mind.
Also, your margin goes off kilter here.
This …
A GROUP OF CHILDREN of varying ages are laughing and walking
down the road. One of the girls is carrying a basket of eggs and some
of the children have eggs in their hands. They pass the Miller's place
and stop in front of a small hovel. An older BOY, the leader, steps
forward and calls out.
A few issues …
First, no need for the cap into of the group. Kill the ing verbs.
You have Miller’s place, and small hovel. What is their relation or proximity to each other? I assume they are close enough to the road for the children to throw eggs.
The BOY who is ‘the leader’. Don’t really need that distinction here, it doesn’t really do anything. Basically he’s just the one most eager to show off.
Don’t do this …
(The children laugh)
to be continued
Script review
Review, page 1
Opens with scene numbers. Ixnay those.
The very first words of the action is a camera direction. You can ‘inspire’ this shot by drawing detailed attention to it, like this …
An oily, gray liquid bubbles and festers.
As there is nothing to reference, such as a cauldron, the camera will be by default on the liquid.
Then, instead of the second camera direction – pull out – maybe have something splash into the liquid, and now the audience knows someone or something is there.
From that hint, you can now intro your goblin.
I remember you said something about this cat was Muriel’s. How do we know that?
This …
CHILDREN are laughing and playing in the yard
ING verbs. Also, you already mentioned we are in a yard, so need to repeat it.
It isn’t really necessary to cap ‘children’ since they don’t seem to really affect the scene other than the background. ‘Girls’ is acceptable since they will have ‘camera time’.
This …
A young GOBLIN
Is this the same Goblin? Are we doing a back-in-time thing here?
It isn’t 100% clear, but I assume Muriel is among the three girls, and I assume that’s the ‘golden-haired’ one.
If so, say something like ‘Three girls huddle together and whisper. One of them is MURIEL, (age) golden hair. She walks over to Goblin …
This …
MURIEL
(with a look back at friends)
What are you holding?
That parenthetical action is a no no. They are called ‘wrylies’ in the biz, and should be used a little as possible, especially for actual action.
Okay, now I see it was a flashback. You need some kind of indicator, like FLASHBACK, and END FLASHBACK to make it clear to the reader when it starts and stops. ‘cut back to’ buried in the action block is easily missed.
This …
blue masked lovebird
Should be blue-masked loverbird.
This …
He reaches into a bird cage where a blue masked lovebird
is guarding her eggs. He takes out two …
Here we have all pronouns. Add Goblin’s name somewhere.
This …
4. EXT. COUNTRY ROAD OUTSIDE THE MILLER'S COTTAGE- DAY
You have not introduced the Miller’s Cottage yet, so this is a hard thing to reference in my mind.
Also, your margin goes off kilter here.
This …
A GROUP OF CHILDREN of varying ages are laughing and walking
down the road. One of the girls is carrying a basket of eggs and some
of the children have eggs in their hands. They pass the Miller's place
and stop in front of a small hovel. An older BOY, the leader, steps
forward and calls out.
A few issues …
First, no need for the cap into of the group. Kill the ing verbs.
You have Miller’s place, and small hovel. What is their relation or proximity to each other? I assume they are close enough to the road for the children to throw eggs.
The BOY who is ‘the leader’. Don’t really need that distinction here, it doesn’t really do anything. Basically he’s just the one most eager to show off.
Don’t do this …
(The children laugh)
to be continued
jamiejay
Well-known member
First, thanks for taking the time to do this. I appreciate it.
Here, just like with the flawed potion, I wanted it to be subtle. In the flashback that follows the goblin gives her the cat. I wanted to include her not being able to find her cat later on, but that will have to wait until the rewrite when I have more space.
Did not know that (obviously). How would you include subtle body movements that accompany dialogue and impact meaning? Should it be an entire separate action? That feels disjointed.
As an adjective, I would certainly agree, but it is actually the name of a variety of lovebird. I was trying to be more visually specific, but I think "blue lovebird" would probably have sufficed.
Would "A Miller's Cottage" work to make it less specific and more introductory?
stupid pdf converter...
Ok. I get why background groups wouldn't need capitalized. Thought it was just any character in a scene at all, but now it makes sense.
I definitely could have been more clear about the proximity. Maybe something like-
They pass the Miller's place
and stop in front of a small hovel that is just across the road.
As for the leader, I wanted some distinction for him since he is the only boy who does any speaking. I didn't want the speaking BOY to seem like any random kid from the group. It's important to me that he stands out seeing as it was his hens, he pushed Muriel, and he ends up crippled.
Here, just like with the flawed potion, I wanted it to be subtle. In the flashback that follows the goblin gives her the cat. I wanted to include her not being able to find her cat later on, but that will have to wait until the rewrite when I have more space.
Did not know that (obviously). How would you include subtle body movements that accompany dialogue and impact meaning? Should it be an entire separate action? That feels disjointed.
As an adjective, I would certainly agree, but it is actually the name of a variety of lovebird. I was trying to be more visually specific, but I think "blue lovebird" would probably have sufficed.
Would "A Miller's Cottage" work to make it less specific and more introductory?
stupid pdf converter...
Ok. I get why background groups wouldn't need capitalized. Thought it was just any character in a scene at all, but now it makes sense.
I definitely could have been more clear about the proximity. Maybe something like-
They pass the Miller's place
and stop in front of a small hovel that is just across the road.
As for the leader, I wanted some distinction for him since he is the only boy who does any speaking. I didn't want the speaking BOY to seem like any random kid from the group. It's important to me that he stands out seeing as it was his hens, he pushed Muriel, and he ends up crippled.
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alex whitmer
Veteran
It should be a separate action. Parenthetical action can get missed.
MURIEL
(with a look back at friends)
What are you holding?
She glances back at her friends.
MURIEL
What are you holding?
It costs you a line, but the action won't get lost.
Birds and animals with a double names always gets hyphenated, as it technically is an adjective, like the duck-billed platypus, or a ring-necked dove.
No, what I mean is we have never seen this place, and have no idea who Miller is. Miller is both an occupation and a name.
I think you could even have the Goblin peek out the window as he is making his 'soup', and we see the cottage, and maybe even he says something in his chant. Anything so when the egg-tossing kids come along, we have a frame of referance.
I fee your pain.
It's often reserved only for characters with speaking parts, but I like to use it for non-speaking characters as well if there is some action or camera time that somehow effects the story.
So, the Goblin's hovel and the Miller's place are across the road from each other?
Unless he has a sign that says leader, we don't really know what his role is. I'm sure just by his action we get he is the leader - or, he could be the one carrying the eggs, and when they get to the hovel, he passes them out. Then he says somthing, and it is clear in our mind he is the leader.
alex
jamiejay
Well-known member
it's pretty freaky that you suggest having the goblin look out the window.... in my original script, i started with the goblin looking up the potion in the book, hearing laughter outside, looking out the window to see muriel and edgar, and then saying an incantation. seriously. i am at work or i would have copy-pasted the scene.
as for the lovebird, i understand how hyphens work, but no official site for lovebirds that i found when i did the research had it written with a hyphen. in doing a little more research, i believe i know why. it is actually just the blue variety of a black-masked lovebird, which is simply refered to as a blue masked lovebird. "blue-masked" would imply that the mask was blue, but it's black.
still feel the separate action loses some of the intended meaning. i know it may be a small thing, but i really wanted her to be glancing back at friends as she is speaking... and i think "she glances back at her friends as she speaks" would be awkward... but i will be sure to be more careful about that in the future. i know for a fact i used parenthetical action later on that definitely was just wrong.
the hovel and the miller's cottage... it's kind of like on little house on the prairie; across the road is still pretty damn far away. just trying to find a way to explain it as simply as possible. i think it was pretty clear already, as the children pass the cottage and stop outside of the hovel, but i was trying to be as clear as i could be to avoid any confusion.
i think saying "the leader" helps people to fully understand this character in as few words as possible... however, i think you are right that i have described his actions in a way that it would most likely be obvious to all.
i really appreciate the line-by-line because i am new to script writing and i can tell you have it down. i'm a fast learner and i can see my other formatting errors like the ones already mentioned, so, to save you time, if you just want to let me know of any new formatting mistakes, that would be fine.
i agree with you that writing scripts is taking the best of both short stories and poetry. do you ever let people read your poetry?
thanks again...
jj
as for the lovebird, i understand how hyphens work, but no official site for lovebirds that i found when i did the research had it written with a hyphen. in doing a little more research, i believe i know why. it is actually just the blue variety of a black-masked lovebird, which is simply refered to as a blue masked lovebird. "blue-masked" would imply that the mask was blue, but it's black.
still feel the separate action loses some of the intended meaning. i know it may be a small thing, but i really wanted her to be glancing back at friends as she is speaking... and i think "she glances back at her friends as she speaks" would be awkward... but i will be sure to be more careful about that in the future. i know for a fact i used parenthetical action later on that definitely was just wrong.
the hovel and the miller's cottage... it's kind of like on little house on the prairie; across the road is still pretty damn far away. just trying to find a way to explain it as simply as possible. i think it was pretty clear already, as the children pass the cottage and stop outside of the hovel, but i was trying to be as clear as i could be to avoid any confusion.
i think saying "the leader" helps people to fully understand this character in as few words as possible... however, i think you are right that i have described his actions in a way that it would most likely be obvious to all.
i really appreciate the line-by-line because i am new to script writing and i can tell you have it down. i'm a fast learner and i can see my other formatting errors like the ones already mentioned, so, to save you time, if you just want to let me know of any new formatting mistakes, that would be fine.
i agree with you that writing scripts is taking the best of both short stories and poetry. do you ever let people read your poetry?
thanks again...
jj
alex whitmer
Veteran
Page 2
This ...
She hurls an egg at the cottage ...
Should be hovel.
This ...
cottage
This makes me think these two places are like right next to each other.
This ...
INT. GOBLIN'S HOVEL- NIGHT
and ...
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD OUTSIDE THE MILLER'S COTTAGE- EVENING
Did a whole day pass between these events? We went from night to evening. And a 'more mature' Muriel is introduced. Are we talking years here?
Another pet peeve is this ...
begins dancing
The whole 'begins' thing is kinda strange to me. Just say she takes his arm and dances in the road.
I get that Muriel is a little coniving - plans to marry the King so she can livin in a castle? Her motives are not really clear.
This ...
She hurls an egg at the cottage ...
Should be hovel.
This ...
MURIEL comes running out of her
cottage
This makes me think these two places are like right next to each other.
This ...
INT. GOBLIN'S HOVEL- NIGHT
and ...
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD OUTSIDE THE MILLER'S COTTAGE- EVENING
Did a whole day pass between these events? We went from night to evening. And a 'more mature' Muriel is introduced. Are we talking years here?
Another pet peeve is this ...
begins dancing
The whole 'begins' thing is kinda strange to me. Just say she takes his arm and dances in the road.
I get that Muriel is a little coniving - plans to marry the King so she can livin in a castle? Her motives are not really clear.
jamiejay
Well-known member
cottage definitely should have been hovel. oops.
the two homes are within sight of each other. short of saying something like "50 yards away", not sure how specific i would need to be.
the goblin is making his potion in his hovel at night... everything else (until the dinner scene) is a flashback. should have used flashback/end flashback...
more mature... could be more specific for sure... teenage.
begins is awkward. still trying to add directions and make it sound "scriptish". ick.
she's not coniving at all. very trusting, a bit naive, and somewhat self-centered. her hopes to marry the king are equivalent to a girl wanting to marry orlando bloom. she's polite to the goblin. only turns on him after she drinks the potion.
the two homes are within sight of each other. short of saying something like "50 yards away", not sure how specific i would need to be.
the goblin is making his potion in his hovel at night... everything else (until the dinner scene) is a flashback. should have used flashback/end flashback...
more mature... could be more specific for sure... teenage.
begins is awkward. still trying to add directions and make it sound "scriptish". ick.
she's not coniving at all. very trusting, a bit naive, and somewhat self-centered. her hopes to marry the king are equivalent to a girl wanting to marry orlando bloom. she's polite to the goblin. only turns on him after she drinks the potion.
alex whitmer
Veteran
Page 3
This ...
(Stops dancing, sighing)
Mix the verb tenses, (stops dancing, sighs)
One action follows the other. This reads like she was sighing while dancing, and stops both. Besides, it's harder to say two ING verbs together.
This ...
One long, run.on sentance. Break that up with periods or commas.
Also, Muriel heads inside, but there is no change of slug.
Seems odd nobody else would notice the table has been set. The Miller didn't see anything? Where is Mrs. Miller?
This ...
Cut back to GOBLIN reading his book of spells.
Not sure if this is just a scene cut, or we are moving ahead or back in history. Either way, don't use it without some frame of reference.
This ...
EXT. WOODS - NOON
These kinds of time-specific slugs are uneeded UNLESS it plays some vital role in the way things unfold. DAY or NIGHT let a production company cost out a film easily. You can hint at the time in other ways, like 'The morning sun illuminas the house', but the slug reads only DAY.
This ...
Muriel and Edgar are walking together.
Guess I don't need to mention the ING.
This ...
and, you know... it did.
I don't remember it raining when we were with them yesterday.
Or did we move a few years, and not just one day?
Okay, here's my answer ...
having to lift a finger in months?
Hmm. Feels kind of far away. Maybe better clues where we are in the history of this. The Goblin has obviously been at this for years.
This ...
He holds up a red rose cameo broach and she grabs it.
should be Muriel grabs it to avoid the pronoun confusion.
This explains why mom isn't around.
This ...
Cut to Edgar and Muriel coming out of woods ...
Really try to avoid this cut to stuff.
This ...
(Stops dancing, sighing)
Mix the verb tenses, (stops dancing, sighs)
One action follows the other. This reads like she was sighing while dancing, and stops both. Besides, it's harder to say two ING verbs together.
This ...
Edgar leaves and Muriel walks around the house and is confused to find the MULE already eating. She shrugs her shoulders and heads inside to to find dinner already laid out on the table. Her mouth hangs open.
One long, run.on sentance. Break that up with periods or commas.
Also, Muriel heads inside, but there is no change of slug.
Seems odd nobody else would notice the table has been set. The Miller didn't see anything? Where is Mrs. Miller?
This ...
Cut back to GOBLIN reading his book of spells.
Not sure if this is just a scene cut, or we are moving ahead or back in history. Either way, don't use it without some frame of reference.
This ...
EXT. WOODS - NOON
These kinds of time-specific slugs are uneeded UNLESS it plays some vital role in the way things unfold. DAY or NIGHT let a production company cost out a film easily. You can hint at the time in other ways, like 'The morning sun illuminas the house', but the slug reads only DAY.
This ...
Muriel and Edgar are walking together.
Guess I don't need to mention the ING.
This ...
MURIEL
I feel almost charmed, Edgar. Why,
it seems I simply have to wish for
something to make it happen. Just
yesterday I was thinking how dreary it
was outside and I wished for the
sun to shine and the rain to stop,
I feel almost charmed, Edgar. Why,
it seems I simply have to wish for
something to make it happen. Just
yesterday I was thinking how dreary it
was outside and I wished for the
sun to shine and the rain to stop,
and, you know... it did.
I don't remember it raining when we were with them yesterday.
Or did we move a few years, and not just one day?
Okay, here's my answer ...
But how do you explain my not
having to lift a finger in months?
Hmm. Feels kind of far away. Maybe better clues where we are in the history of this. The Goblin has obviously been at this for years.
This ...
He holds up a red rose cameo broach and she grabs it.
should be Muriel grabs it to avoid the pronoun confusion.
This explains why mom isn't around.
Why, yes! It was my mother's.
Where ever did you find it?This ...
Cut to Edgar and Muriel coming out of woods ...
Really try to avoid this cut to stuff.
jamiejay
Well-known member
as for the verb tenses and the run-on sentence, it's a good thing writers have editors. i seriously hate going through the revision and editing process and i tend to avoid it at all costs. i really respect writers like f. scott fitzgerald who take years to write a book, revising over and over until it is absolutely perfect, with every word and comma and hyphen just where they want it to be. and they don't do it to be grammatically correct, but so that it looks perfectly on the page and it has the exact intended meaning and the rhythm of the words are just so. i aspire to have that type of pain-staking attention to detail.... right now, while i have always over-analyzed every little thing (your comments and my comments included), the one thing i hate to over-analyze at length is my own work. it can suck the fun out of it.
not sure if you read my last two responses. i answered the time issue. "flashback" instead of "cut back to" would clear that up i think. no, the goblin hasn't been making the potion for years. now i wonder if anyone else was confused about the flashbacks. no one seemed to be confused, but maybe they just didn't say anything. ..
some of the comments you have seem to suggest i have to reveal an explanation for everything right up front, yet i have never read a story (or script, though i have admittedly read very few) that explains everything before it is revealed in the context of the plot. that would be very boring. sometimes things are obvious or, at least, easily imagined by the reader. i think it would be unnecessary and a little obnoxious to explain why no one noticed the set table (for your benefit, i will tell you that the set table did not appear until muriel was about to go set it). other times, it is okay if the reader doesn't exactly know everything right away (i.e. her mother being dead or the fact that it is months later as they walk through the woods). if these types of explanations are supposed to be in a script, it would ruin script-writing and script-reading for me, so i really hope that's not what you are saying....
i have kind of the same issue with the pronouns, though i do realize how important it would be in script-writing to be clear about who is doing what. but i've always hated the overuse of names in a story. it becomes like dick and jane. i find a lot of writers do this, especially in kids' books (which i read way too many of as a teacher). in this instance, i don't think it would be overusing her name, so changing "she" to "muriel" is fine, but muriel is the only "she" there. is it a requirement of scripts for use of names in every sentence? just want to be perfectly clear for the future.
slugs from ext. to int. and no more "cut to"- check. those types of formatting critiques are very helpful. i appreciate it.
:dankk2:
jj
not sure if you read my last two responses. i answered the time issue. "flashback" instead of "cut back to" would clear that up i think. no, the goblin hasn't been making the potion for years. now i wonder if anyone else was confused about the flashbacks. no one seemed to be confused, but maybe they just didn't say anything. ..
some of the comments you have seem to suggest i have to reveal an explanation for everything right up front, yet i have never read a story (or script, though i have admittedly read very few) that explains everything before it is revealed in the context of the plot. that would be very boring. sometimes things are obvious or, at least, easily imagined by the reader. i think it would be unnecessary and a little obnoxious to explain why no one noticed the set table (for your benefit, i will tell you that the set table did not appear until muriel was about to go set it). other times, it is okay if the reader doesn't exactly know everything right away (i.e. her mother being dead or the fact that it is months later as they walk through the woods). if these types of explanations are supposed to be in a script, it would ruin script-writing and script-reading for me, so i really hope that's not what you are saying....
i have kind of the same issue with the pronouns, though i do realize how important it would be in script-writing to be clear about who is doing what. but i've always hated the overuse of names in a story. it becomes like dick and jane. i find a lot of writers do this, especially in kids' books (which i read way too many of as a teacher). in this instance, i don't think it would be overusing her name, so changing "she" to "muriel" is fine, but muriel is the only "she" there. is it a requirement of scripts for use of names in every sentence? just want to be perfectly clear for the future.
slugs from ext. to int. and no more "cut to"- check. those types of formatting critiques are very helpful. i appreciate it.
:dankk2:
jj