End of the Line

[MrKilloran]

conlanforever & TimCollins - glad you liked the action and the reversal worked for you. Thanks for reading and enjoyed the ride.

MarkC - The "rape" moment does try to give him humanity but I really need to make it happen at a less ridiculous time, right now its in the middle of the gunfight! As for the hanging, Pike is just sort of ruthless and a little sadistic too, that'd be why he was hanging O'Mally and not just shooting him. I need to expand and spread out the flashbacks a little more, show Pike basically burning O'Mally's home-town to the ground and the reasons for it BUT... I didn't do that so my bad.

Kmaia & Chris Keaton - Happy to entertain, thanks for reading it and the kind words in your reviews.

 

[Tim Joy]

Well... I followed it all the way through. It sure was action-packed! I was hoping for a comedy from you, a la Losers in Excess. Maybe next time.

I felt the downfall was in its predictability and the slightly stale dialog. The montage moment really threw me for a loop too.

To be more constructive, I think you could improve upon giving your audience less, both in your dialog and your story. Maybe create a little more intrigue so that we need to use our imagination more, and that will keep us engaged.

Your descriptions were fairly well written, except for a couple odd things that I couldn't figure out what you meant, but the dialog was always On the Nose.

Keep at it. You're skills are definitely improving.

 

[MrKilloran]

Well... I followed it all the way through. It sure was action-packed! I was hoping for a comedy from you, a la Losers in Excess. Maybe next time.

I can see it now.... "MrKilloran presents How the West was Undone"
Next time...Maybe, we'll see

To be more constructive, I think you could improve upon giving your audience less, both in your dialog and your story. Maybe create a little more intrigue so that we need to use our imagination more, and that will keep us engaged.

That's my fault, I was really sort of stretching it... writing the night before is not a good way to do things. I wish I had had more time but thems the breaks I spose. No excuse. I hear you though, don't be so obvious and try to create a more engaging narrative that the audience can play around with.

Keep at it. You're skills are definitely improving.

Thanks for your review I'll be sure to work on it.:beer:

 

[lawriejaffa]

I think it was good that you didn't do a comedy MrKilloran, (my audio review im sure really encouraged you in that path hahaha but it was just an opinion!) J/k you can do comedy just fine im sure but its good to stretch your wings!

I think it would be a worthwhile exercise to keep editing this (even if it might not be getting shot exactly lol - just to incorporate the feedback etc, as that can only help you become an even greater genius in time for Quest fest !

 

[MrKilloran]

I think it was good that you didn't do a comedy MrKilloran, (my audio review im sure really encouraged you in that path hahaha but it was just an opinion!) J/k you can do comedy just fine im sure but its good to stretch your wings!

I think it would be a worthwhile exercise to keep editing this (even if it might not be getting shot exactly lol - just to incorporate the feedback etc, as that can only help you become an even greater genius in time for Quest fest !

Your audio review inspired me to try harder if anything :grin:

A Western Comedy hadn't even crossed my mind, (until yeehaanow said something and then BOOM! it hit me) truth be told I'm not the biggest fan of that combination. A comedy may have been fun but the Leone fan in me wanted to try my hand at something more on the serious side.

Practice most certainly gives rise to improvement :thumbsup:

 

[Rustom Irani]

Do you really need the flashback?

For this short which is fantastically paced, it serves as a digression and adds a tad bit of implausibility with a man being able to survive after being shot below his right eye. Shrapnel, ricochet? Perhaps. Gunshot? No no! A brief moment that took me out.

Other than that you have a great set-up and two well rounded characters in Pancho and O'Mally.

Would have loved a scene where Pancho tackles the two shotgun toting vault protectors...but hey, you can only show so much in ten pages.

Thanks for the comments on "The Patch-up Kid."

All the best.

 

[Sarah Daly]

Hey - I liked this! Especialy how you switched who the good guys were or at least blurred the lines. Very clever and genuinely surprising.

You really got your head inside the genre and set the tone very well.

My main problem was that until the twist, it was a little too straightforward - there was no question asked and not enough at stake, but still, well written with strong characters. As others said, it just needs a bit of a trim and you're there!

Good job!

 

[MrKilloran]

Rustom Irani -

Do you really need the flashback?

Yes, I just need to expand and spread it out for it to be more effective.

For this short which is fantastically paced, it serves as a digression and adds a tad bit of implausibility with a man being able to survive after being shot below his right eye. Shrapnel, ricochet? Perhaps. Gunshot? No no!

I wouldn't say its impossible but maybe it would work better if he was grazed or maimed horribly?

Would have loved a scene where Pancho tackles the two shotgun toting vault protectors...but hey, you can only show so much in ten pages.

Ten pages is tight but I should have considered that going in. When I get some time I'll go back through and expand a little, that scene could be very fun indeed.

Thanks for the comments on "The Patch-up Kid."

My pleasure, I certainly enjoyed it.

Sarah Daly -

You really got your head inside the genre and set the tone very well.

Thank you very much

My main problem was that until the twist, it was a little too straightforward - there was no question asked and not enough at stake, but still, well written with strong characters. As others said, it just needs a bit of a trim and you're there!

I'll be sure to work on it, expand where necessary and if all goes well I'll have a much more solid script in the end. Thanks for reading and taking the time to review.

 

[seansshack]

A fine example of how to write action scenes. I would never have considered using BANG to describe gunshots before this, but I might now.

Let down by a bit of spit and polish - makes it read a bit rushed. Give it another draft and you'll have a winning short.

 

[jamiejay]

i liked this one. it was very well done.

i don't mind the rape scene or the flashback. in fact, i think the flashback worked well to show the back story behind these two characters. i love how the lawman is the bad guy and the outlaw is the nicer one... defending a lady's honor and all

i think blaine has a point about the flashback, though, and maybe it would have worked a little better if the mom was the one being hanged unjustly... if the bullet grazed pike or entered at an angle, i don't think it's too inconceivable that he would have lived... i liked it.

also, i liked pancho. i just wish there was more concerning his relationship to o'mally. i got a sense that they didn't fully trust each other... but, then, they seemed to depend a lot on one another. it was a great dynamic that i thought could be developed a bit more.

good script

 

[MrKilloran]

seansshack - Thanks for the feedback, I'll work on polishing it up.

jamiejay - Glad you liked it, I think the flashback would work if expanded on to show why the child was going to be hanged. But Blaine's got the gear's turning in my head and I'm thinking about it. As for Pancho and O'Mally, yeah a little more back & forth between them would be nice to have and bring out some great depth to both their characters. :beer:

 

[leepback]

I got a little lost in the action sequences.

Action isn't quite my bag as you probably noticed since you have read my script (thank you). I also have trouble if there's more than say three characters involved in these shootouts and where they're all positioned. I suppose that's taken care of with a visual reference if this was ever produced.

I really had trouble grasping the implications of the following phrase.
"opposite sides of the car, parallels to one another"

Should that be "sides" or "ends" of the car.

"Sides" seeems rather close quarters to my way of thinking unless railway carriages have been downsized in the last few decades.

Thanks for the read and good luck in the rankings.

BTW: where do I find your (and the other) Lossfest films (are only the finalist available)

 

[MrKilloran]

I really had trouble grasping the implications of the following phrase.
"opposite sides of the car, parallels to one another"

Should that be "sides" or "ends" of the car.

"Sides" seeems rather close quarters to my way of thinking unless railway carriages have been downsized in the last few decades.

Damn, yes that is supposed to say opposite "ends" of the car. My mistake. Good eye. :beer:

BTW: where do I find your (and the other) Lossfest films (are only the finalist available)

As for Lossfest, I believe you can find all of the entries here: http://www.dvxfest.com/lossfest/round1.php

 

[leepback]

Thanks for the heads up on the lossfest link......I'm crap at finding things on these forums.

 

[arroway]

nice sparse writing style. this is what a script should look like. quite refreshing after some of the more description-heavy entries. everything was simple and easy to understand.

"O’Mally looks up from beneath the brim of his hat, sand
sticking to the sweat and stubble of his face"

nice detail.

"PIKE
I’d follow you to hell just to make
sure you were dead.
Pike"

nice line.

"2) Pike slowly stretches his fingers over the ammo-rounds on
his belt, touching each and every one methodically."

cool detail

"The woman runs up behind Pike and steals his gun and shoots
the noose, releasing O’Mally"

that stretches believability a bit...

i liked this a lot. definitely wins the "most action" award in the fest. i like how the bad guys are really the kind of good guys and the good guy is really the bad guy. it was a fun read. if you win the lottery, you should produce it. ;-)