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Barry_Green
Moderator
Nice surprise. Liked it a lot.
Hawk Teflon
Veteran
As always, if you haven't seen this short yet, please stop reading this post as there are SPOILERS throughout.
What I liked: I loved the beginning. We were thrown in without the character explaining it to someone on a phone or anything, and it was clear what was happening. Your actors did very well throughout, too. Your sound throughout sounded good to me as well. I really liked the "jump" audio used when the ghost (?) appeared, and the reveal at the end. No complaints on any of the main components from me (lighting / audio / acting / etc).
What I didn't like as much: Suddenly we're thrown into war (1:45) and it didn't feel like the light comedy I was watching seconds ago. I understand the trauma of war, but it was a bit jarring, and going back to humor afterward was weird for me. I think it could have been shorter, too. I was starting to feel just a little long right before the trip to the door at the end.
Question: Does DVX cereal make a "clunk" when you pour it?
What I liked: I loved the beginning. We were thrown in without the character explaining it to someone on a phone or anything, and it was clear what was happening. Your actors did very well throughout, too. Your sound throughout sounded good to me as well. I really liked the "jump" audio used when the ghost (?) appeared, and the reveal at the end. No complaints on any of the main components from me (lighting / audio / acting / etc).
What I didn't like as much: Suddenly we're thrown into war (1:45) and it didn't feel like the light comedy I was watching seconds ago. I understand the trauma of war, but it was a bit jarring, and going back to humor afterward was weird for me. I think it could have been shorter, too. I was starting to feel just a little long right before the trip to the door at the end.
Question: Does DVX cereal make a "clunk" when you pour it?
AJ, I'll admit this sounds initially absurd to me -- but I have more than enough respect for you as a filmmaker to try it! Certainly gets me thinking. I never thought this film moved too slowly, or lingered on anything too long -- if anything, I was afraid that it went boom!boom!boom! a little too fast and people wouldn't be able to keep up with the narrative. Either way, really interesting feedback and very helpful moving forward. Thanks!
Thanks Barry!! Very excited to hear positive feedback from you
AJ Brooks
Well-known member
Something I say sounds absurd? Never! 
Imposing an arbitrary limitation, such as saying you'll make a 2 min. version, is a fun creative endeavor. It will seem ridiculous at first because you'll still be holding on to the original story that you told in the full version. But that is the idea, that you are telling a new and different story, and often in creating the short version that is all "wrong" because you had to cut all those "essential" scenes, you'll see how little you actually need.
I once had a 12 minute cut of a mockumentary (which was funny and worked great) and I had to cut it down to 3 minutes for the contest requirements. At first I felt like I was losing all my best scenes by doing this, but after I finished and compared the shorter to the longer version, it was night and day. The longer version wasn't even funny anymore compared to the 3 min.
That film won the contest it was in, btw.
Imposing an arbitrary limitation, such as saying you'll make a 2 min. version, is a fun creative endeavor. It will seem ridiculous at first because you'll still be holding on to the original story that you told in the full version. But that is the idea, that you are telling a new and different story, and often in creating the short version that is all "wrong" because you had to cut all those "essential" scenes, you'll see how little you actually need.
I once had a 12 minute cut of a mockumentary (which was funny and worked great) and I had to cut it down to 3 minutes for the contest requirements. At first I felt like I was losing all my best scenes by doing this, but after I finished and compared the shorter to the longer version, it was night and day. The longer version wasn't even funny anymore compared to the 3 min.
That film won the contest it was in, btw.
bluemanrocks
Member
Just found this picture. This is from our very, very first meeting regarding this fest: a bunch of very rough ideas (the one we eventually went with is barely even referenced on here) sketched out in some terribly messy handwriting on no less than the back of a paper place-mat from the restaurant we met at... looking back at this is totally wild, so I thought I'd share!!
Attachments
EJBinSD
Member
I have to say that I think it takes a special film to capture elements of a serious issue surrounding war, humor, and a love story successfully...and this is one of the films.
I was at first a little concerned at the direction it was going to take given the current political climate with the "over before you know it" line. Started to take me out of it but ultimately the composition of the rest of the film overpowered that initial concern.
Considering I struggled with this aspect on the film I worked on I would love to know what you used in dialogue capture as I really enjoyed this aspect of the film.
My only other comment is that I wish the credits would have lasted a little longer, but the 6 minute limit is the 6 minute limit.
I was at first a little concerned at the direction it was going to take given the current political climate with the "over before you know it" line. Started to take me out of it but ultimately the composition of the rest of the film overpowered that initial concern.
Considering I struggled with this aspect on the film I worked on I would love to know what you used in dialogue capture as I really enjoyed this aspect of the film.
My only other comment is that I wish the credits would have lasted a little longer, but the 6 minute limit is the 6 minute limit.
bluemanrocks
Member
Thanks so much EJ, I'll leave that dialogue capture bit to zucked as he handled that portion of the film making. As to the rest...
The "over before you know it" bit gave us some trouble as to how to properly go into the war flashes so I understand that comment, but I'm glad to hear that the film overcame that!! The credits were for sure a VERY last minute addition; we barely made even the adjusted submission deadline. Had we had more time I would've liked to have had the credits be a little longer as you said and on top of that I'd have swapped them with the cereal-eating bit that currently ends the film (making said bit a post-credit easter egg shenanigan rather than the ending scene). Alas, we can't always get what we want.
Thanks all for the continued feedback!!
The "over before you know it" bit gave us some trouble as to how to properly go into the war flashes so I understand that comment, but I'm glad to hear that the film overcame that!! The credits were for sure a VERY last minute addition; we barely made even the adjusted submission deadline. Had we had more time I would've liked to have had the credits be a little longer as you said and on top of that I'd have swapped them with the cereal-eating bit that currently ends the film (making said bit a post-credit easter egg shenanigan rather than the ending scene). Alas, we can't always get what we want.
Thanks all for the continued feedback!!
Zach Olson
Active member
Nice work. I loved seeing a few comedies in a fest that would give to a serious note. The music was great and totally fit the mood of the film. The sink sound was too early both times and made me wonder what was up until it got to that cut of the video. Loved the fact that he is college age, up at the crack of noon, eating cereal, and still wearing his PJs. Totally felt like I knew this guy. Good camerawork/angles. Great draft form but the form on the clipboard... =) I was totally into the feel of the film until he goes to war. I was ok with the old film and the old dialog/voice over the top. What I didn't like was that it got really serious and broke the feel when the boy loses his fellow soldier. It may have played off better if more of the war was shown and it was goofier. When we return to the house and his friend has died my mind was off thinking about how terrible war can be and other serious movies where people die. This distracted me through to the end. Your film was 6:10. I think it could have been done in half the time. The second half showing him getting freaked out by the dead soldier went WAY too long. We got it the first time. Give your audience some credit, please! I did like how it mirrored his routine from the beginning and I loved how you tied the girl coming over and eating cereal with him in at the end. This totally fit. Nice work!
I think this is the only piece I havent commented on. Not sure how I missed it after I watched so, watched it again for this purpose.
A genuinely funny piece. The evidence of that in the writing shone through in your leads performance.
Not sure it was intentional, but whilst I liked the war montage - I saw moments of what I personally interpreted as drama which momentarily threw me as I was in a comedic spot. Was that intentional? Just a curious thought as if you look at it from another angle, if so, means that whilst you did a comedy you managed to humanise the small war component. Which in itself is of interest as to how the short is structured.
The PTSD ghosts were alarming in a good way. I did get a little tired of that loud piano going BAM after the first few.
Good job.
A genuinely funny piece. The evidence of that in the writing shone through in your leads performance.
Not sure it was intentional, but whilst I liked the war montage - I saw moments of what I personally interpreted as drama which momentarily threw me as I was in a comedic spot. Was that intentional? Just a curious thought as if you look at it from another angle, if so, means that whilst you did a comedy you managed to humanise the small war component. Which in itself is of interest as to how the short is structured.
The PTSD ghosts were alarming in a good way. I did get a little tired of that loud piano going BAM after the first few.
Good job.
Charli
cool little "title"
Most people don't get certified mail often, so I didn't buy that too much. Loved the music throughout. LOVED the archives inter-cut, gave that part a whole new mood and I would have liked that to have lasted just a tad longer.
Many soldiers suffer from PTSD so this was a really unusual and out of the box twist to it. I thought it was a "smart" film. LOVED the ending. Totally unexpected.
I recommend that you tighten this a bit. Rework the battle/archives scenes a bit better, then toss it out to some film festivals. I think it has a shot in placing in the top of them. Smart story. Well told. I ENJOYED it. Made me laugh. I don't think a 2 minute film would do this justice. Tighten it and it should go far.
Good job. Smart!!!!
Many soldiers suffer from PTSD so this was a really unusual and out of the box twist to it. I thought it was a "smart" film. LOVED the ending. Totally unexpected.
I recommend that you tighten this a bit. Rework the battle/archives scenes a bit better, then toss it out to some film festivals. I think it has a shot in placing in the top of them. Smart story. Well told. I ENJOYED it. Made me laugh. I don't think a 2 minute film would do this justice. Tighten it and it should go far.
Good job. Smart!!!!
bluemanrocks
Member
Thanks to all for the reviews -- tightening is a good way of putting what I think we're missing as well. Glad that those who liked the humor of it did so, and as to the intermixing of the drama with the comedy I'd call it intentional but probably in need of tweaking and rethinking in areas to smooth out the mood of the piece.
lawriejaffa
Veteran
Right this is an interesting film - that has a promising concept that other filmmakers could learn from imo - especially those with artistic pretention.
1) PTSD
2) Original and Disturbing depiction of PTSD
3) Wrapped in a comedy.
Those ingredients could buy you an indie film playing at Telluride hehe.
But its a difficult balancing act (and at the risk of offence, DVXFESTs are not often the best venue for these kinds of complex divisive ideas.)
I think you get a lot right with this, but where it goes wrong (i think it does) critically. It is with the extent and manner of your comedy - these ideas work as a black comedy with a kind of circumstantial comedic aspect (as in how his tragic remember... tragic loss of his friend, affects his daily life.) I also like the irony of before and after (and in this context the music actually works but...)
While you had it right with the ingredients - the direction seems to imo... lack a confidence in your own idea. The hamminess of the performances - the over the top aspects were not... required to make this funny or for it to work. It could have been closer to the bone, more black, and still be amusing and disquietly disturbing.
By having this kind of Adam Sandler esque characterisation you are LOSING the power of your concept and giving it away to a kind of short term/insecure agitated gain - like the ott nervousness of your actor, it seems to be reflected too in aspects of the films edit and delivery.
The VERY SAME script, and SAME CAST AND GEAR hehe, but with a different direction of your actors, (strip it back) and less obvious comedic ironic music - something more real, would have made this piece a strong contender, not just for its few (uneasy laughs) but for its tragic aspects.
This is a much more ambitious war film than the token, that it fails to deliver (in comparison to the token) is something you can rectify by following your original convictions harder imo!
(Yes im aware i make a terrible number of assumptions in this feedback, apolagies for that
1) PTSD
2) Original and Disturbing depiction of PTSD
3) Wrapped in a comedy.
Those ingredients could buy you an indie film playing at Telluride hehe.
But its a difficult balancing act (and at the risk of offence, DVXFESTs are not often the best venue for these kinds of complex divisive ideas.)
I think you get a lot right with this, but where it goes wrong (i think it does) critically. It is with the extent and manner of your comedy - these ideas work as a black comedy with a kind of circumstantial comedic aspect (as in how his tragic remember... tragic loss of his friend, affects his daily life.) I also like the irony of before and after (and in this context the music actually works but...)
While you had it right with the ingredients - the direction seems to imo... lack a confidence in your own idea. The hamminess of the performances - the over the top aspects were not... required to make this funny or for it to work. It could have been closer to the bone, more black, and still be amusing and disquietly disturbing.
By having this kind of Adam Sandler esque characterisation you are LOSING the power of your concept and giving it away to a kind of short term/insecure agitated gain - like the ott nervousness of your actor, it seems to be reflected too in aspects of the films edit and delivery.
The VERY SAME script, and SAME CAST AND GEAR hehe, but with a different direction of your actors, (strip it back) and less obvious comedic ironic music - something more real, would have made this piece a strong contender, not just for its few (uneasy laughs) but for its tragic aspects.
This is a much more ambitious war film than the token, that it fails to deliver (in comparison to the token) is something you can rectify by following your original convictions harder imo!
(Yes im aware i make a terrible number of assumptions in this feedback, apolagies for that