Ed Reck
- Thread starter REHov520
- Start date
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Sounds like a blast!
Rustom Irani
Active member
This sounds like a great monster/creature flick with campiness to boot. Can't wait to read it.
Chris_Keaton
ScriptFEST Mod
Hah, Loved this little family tale. I can see you weren't intending for this to be shot. But even if this was a cartoon it would still have a ghoulish effect. Heck this reminds me a short in 'Heavy Metal'. Good Job!
DarkElastic
Well-known member
I enjoyed the read REHov,
Spoilers below:
I liked the whole situation and the innocent being given immense power. Without the knowledge of rules I could totally believe he would do what he did.
Some the dialogue when Lars comes home needs a little work for me. I know time played a factor in this, but i am more than positive that the car crash would still hurt and take her a bit of time to recover enough to move to her husband's side.
Good stuff mate, well done.
Spoilers below:
I liked the whole situation and the innocent being given immense power. Without the knowledge of rules I could totally believe he would do what he did.
Some the dialogue when Lars comes home needs a little work for me. I know time played a factor in this, but i am more than positive that the car crash would still hurt and take her a bit of time to recover enough to move to her husband's side.
Good stuff mate, well done.
MrKilloran
Well-known member
I liked it, has an Oedipus quality to it.
The pacing felt off, the first half of the script is a little slow. Also the mother seems to show no concern what-so-ever that her child is covered in this green liquid, just cuts to that night when her husband gets home. I think family dynamics are there but could be explored in greater detail.
You wrote the climax well, simple glimpses of the child and the car crash, it was exciting. Also, it makes the father a bit more dastardly. He's so quick to shoot, not even a brief moment of compassion or restraint.
The pacing felt off, the first half of the script is a little slow. Also the mother seems to show no concern what-so-ever that her child is covered in this green liquid, just cuts to that night when her husband gets home. I think family dynamics are there but could be explored in greater detail.
You wrote the climax well, simple glimpses of the child and the car crash, it was exciting. Also, it makes the father a bit more dastardly. He's so quick to shoot, not even a brief moment of compassion or restraint.
I really enjoyed that image, a baby taking simple pleasure in its mother and the mutilation of the father, that's twisted but kind of great at the same time.
arroway
Well-known member
After reading "toxic waste" and "tomato garden" I immediately thought there would be a tomato monster...
I like the exchange between mother and father over Ed's quietness.
It was "all over" her kid! LOL This would be a great place for a joke. "Yeah, it was all over...The News. It was just dripping...all over the news."
Perfect opportunity for a "first steps" gag here. One of the parents could be like "WHAT THE F*CK?" and the other one could be like "Oh honey, his first steps! Get the camera! He's walking!"
lol
Very nice writing.
IMO, that seems like too much action to pack into three lines.
Seems to end prematurely.
All in all, I thought it was great! A monster baby is a great idea. I didn't like that it spoke however, I think that took something away from it. I also thought it would have been cool if you had done something with breast feeding. How is a ten month old baby going to eat? It's still going to want to breast feed. Seeing as how sick and depraved this script already is why not just go for broke and have the giant baby breast-feed-rape it's own mother, perhaps crushing her in the process? Oedipus complex gone exponentially wrong...
I like the exchange between mother and father over Ed's quietness.
It was "all over" her kid! LOL This would be a great place for a joke. "Yeah, it was all over...The News. It was just dripping...all over the news."
Perfect opportunity for a "first steps" gag here. One of the parents could be like "WHAT THE F*CK?" and the other one could be like "Oh honey, his first steps! Get the camera! He's walking!"
lol
Very nice writing.
IMO, that seems like too much action to pack into three lines.
Seems to end prematurely.
All in all, I thought it was great! A monster baby is a great idea. I didn't like that it spoke however, I think that took something away from it. I also thought it would have been cool if you had done something with breast feeding. How is a ten month old baby going to eat? It's still going to want to breast feed. Seeing as how sick and depraved this script already is why not just go for broke and have the giant baby breast-feed-rape it's own mother, perhaps crushing her in the process? Oedipus complex gone exponentially wrong...
kennethhurd
Well-known member
This was a fun read! I loved the scene where Janice and Lars are talking and Ed's hands start to grow. To me, it seemed to have a Return of the Living Dead feel to it, which I really liked! I did feel like you could improve upon some of the dialogue and I would have liked to seen Janice's reaction to Ed being covered in the ooze. It also felt like you had more of a back story for Lars and he was trying to be redeemed at the very end.
Great job on the script! I'd love to see it once shot.
Great job on the script! I'd love to see it once shot.
Captain Pierce
Veteran
So, this is what you get if you take Sophocles and a DVD box set of 1950's atomic monster movies and throw them in a blender. And I mean that as a compliment. 
This was a fun read. My only real criticism would be along the same lines as what MrKilloran and arroway have said; not only do we not see any concern from Janice about Ed being in the ooze, but I really didn't get why Janice wasn't saying anything to Lars about Ed being in the ooze. All we get is the line about it not being safe for Ed there. But you have some great descriptions in the script that really help set the scene.
This was a fun read. My only real criticism would be along the same lines as what MrKilloran and arroway have said; not only do we not see any concern from Janice about Ed being in the ooze, but I really didn't get why Janice wasn't saying anything to Lars about Ed being in the ooze. All we get is the line about it not being safe for Ed there. But you have some great descriptions in the script that really help set the scene.
REHov520
Well-known member
thanks for the feedback, guys. yeah, i realize it's a bit strange that we don't see the mother's reaction to her baby in the slime, but i wanted to do it that way because i felt like there was too much of her screaming and freaking out and i wanted to trim down on it. also i thought it'd be funny to be on the baby in the pool and then just hard cut to the opening credits.
as far as her not telling her husband, she feels guilty about it and wants to keep it a secret. i realize now though i could've done a better job of communicating this, making her seem more nervous and guilty or something, because she is hiding something.
as far as her not telling her husband, she feels guilty about it and wants to keep it a secret. i realize now though i could've done a better job of communicating this, making her seem more nervous and guilty or something, because she is hiding something.
Rustom Irani
Active member
The first Monster script that pays homage to all things gigantic and "Kong" with an Oedipus complex thrown in.
Baby Ed shouldn't speak. Takes away from the ominous tone and I suddenly imagine Rick Moranis and "Honey I blew Up the Kid"! A darker version with death and destruction but that unbelievability factor just the same.
a) He speaks. I can understand him turning into a monster is unbelievable anyway, but within the confines of the genre the speech resulting from increase in physical size due to nuclear ooze doesn't make sense.
b)Moreover his dialog sounds like HAL from 2001. Very staccato and Robotic.
Your descriptions are quite lovely and poetic at times with enough cues to the production designer and actors. At other times I feel it is overkill.
These are just examples. While the former doesn't add much to plot as the dialog already implies this, the latter bestows a predator like instinct which again reinforces my opinion about the nuclear ooze enhancing his intelligence.
Yet he drools and wails like a baby?
The pacing is great. The action taut. The dramatic peaks well written.
A quick once-over to polish certain bits, supply some back-story about Ed, what Janice does besides being a mom and their total isolation from any other people will do wonders for this story.
Good job!
Baby Ed shouldn't speak. Takes away from the ominous tone and I suddenly imagine Rick Moranis and "Honey I blew Up the Kid"! A darker version with death and destruction but that unbelievability factor just the same.
a) He speaks. I can understand him turning into a monster is unbelievable anyway, but within the confines of the genre the speech resulting from increase in physical size due to nuclear ooze doesn't make sense.
b)Moreover his dialog sounds like HAL from 2001. Very staccato and Robotic.
Your descriptions are quite lovely and poetic at times with enough cues to the production designer and actors. At other times I feel it is overkill.
These are just examples. While the former doesn't add much to plot as the dialog already implies this, the latter bestows a predator like instinct which again reinforces my opinion about the nuclear ooze enhancing his intelligence.
Yet he drools and wails like a baby?
The pacing is great. The action taut. The dramatic peaks well written.
A quick once-over to polish certain bits, supply some back-story about Ed, what Janice does besides being a mom and their total isolation from any other people will do wonders for this story.
Good job!
seansshack
Well-known member
Fun read. Well written and flowed well.
The descriptions would do with some breaking up into paragraphs of individual shots. They read like they are crammed together to fit the six pages.
example:
Lars steps out of the bathroom, freshly showered. Janice is
on her feet, scrambling eggs. Lars walks past and kisses her
on the cheek. The corners of her lips curve into a barely
perceptible smile. He continues to Ed’s crib and taps the
bars affectionately.
Would flow a lot better (especially in the readers mind as).
Lars steps out of the bathroom, freshly showered.
Janice is on her feet, scrambling eggs.
Lars walks past and kisses her on the cheek. The corners of her lips curve into a barely perceptible smile.
He continues to Ed’s crib and taps the bars affectionately.
More space but you mind breaks up the "shots".
Rather than spell out the spill in dialog, I would have used a newscast (on radio in background). But this is all choice.
Good job.
The descriptions would do with some breaking up into paragraphs of individual shots. They read like they are crammed together to fit the six pages.
example:
Lars steps out of the bathroom, freshly showered. Janice is
on her feet, scrambling eggs. Lars walks past and kisses her
on the cheek. The corners of her lips curve into a barely
perceptible smile. He continues to Ed’s crib and taps the
bars affectionately.
Would flow a lot better (especially in the readers mind as).
Lars steps out of the bathroom, freshly showered.
Janice is on her feet, scrambling eggs.
Lars walks past and kisses her on the cheek. The corners of her lips curve into a barely perceptible smile.
He continues to Ed’s crib and taps the bars affectionately.
More space but you mind breaks up the "shots".
Rather than spell out the spill in dialog, I would have used a newscast (on radio in background). But this is all choice.
Good job.
Charli
cool little "title"
Technical - First line, "An ominous nuclear power plant...." - ugh. How is it "omnious?' Show me don't tell me.
"Ed" sounds awfully mature name for a child. I keep thinking of an ol' man.
..."her tomato garden has been torn up" -- try stronger verbs.
Break up your action paragraphs for a quicker read.
Content - regardless of mutant babies, a mother's love will always come first for her child, seriously, she'd try to find another way, child was only 10 months old.
Not to call for help or to escape but to go after the mutant child I'm not sure is believable. If my son attacked his dad, I'd call for help, Sheriff, Cops, Local Forest Rangers. That part didn't seem believable to me either. Also, the tomatoes, grass, anything the water touched, which would INCLUDE the mother's hand, would have mutated. Have you ever held a water hose and not gotten wet?
All in all in happened too fast, the mutation and action so much so that I couldn't get invested in the characters, but nice to see you kept the child's bond with its mother.
"Ed" sounds awfully mature name for a child. I keep thinking of an ol' man.
..."her tomato garden has been torn up" -- try stronger verbs.
Break up your action paragraphs for a quicker read.
Content - regardless of mutant babies, a mother's love will always come first for her child, seriously, she'd try to find another way, child was only 10 months old.
Not to call for help or to escape but to go after the mutant child I'm not sure is believable. If my son attacked his dad, I'd call for help, Sheriff, Cops, Local Forest Rangers. That part didn't seem believable to me either. Also, the tomatoes, grass, anything the water touched, which would INCLUDE the mother's hand, would have mutated. Have you ever held a water hose and not gotten wet?
All in all in happened too fast, the mutation and action so much so that I couldn't get invested in the characters, but nice to see you kept the child's bond with its mother.
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