"Dreams for the Both of Us" by Tom Anderson and Mike Manning

Solid read. One of the lines just tapped into my rated R type sense of humor - "
moz-screenshot.jpg
lick it, love it, ladies" addressing a group of prostitutes. Dialog all round is very good and seemed to really suit the genre/theme.

Wasn't too sure of the reason for the tank? unless I missed read/understood it wrong.

It read/felt a little Sin City to me - which is a compliment. Saw the same visual style as I read it.

Ending felt a little unfinished or cut short. I was reading and it just ended. Not sure if that is what you intended.

Not much to add as very little wrong or needs improving (in my opinion).
 
That was a fun read! Nice break from all the detective stories. The visuals were great, this story would look stunning on film.

The dialog struck me as a cleverly and deliberately written battle of cliches. "Curiosity killed the cat" was immediately trumped by "cat and mouse kinda game". They just kept coming with "lookin a gift horse in the mouth", "glutton for punishment", etc. I loved that, very pulpish and entertaining. Added some humor to all the virile violence.

Hopefully you guys can pull this one off for LossFest! :thumbup:
 
seansshack said:
Solid read. One of the lines just tapped into my rated R type sense of humor - "
moz-screenshot.jpg
lick it, love it, ladies" addressing a group of prostitutes. Dialog all round is very good and seemed to really suit the genre/theme.

Wasn't too sure of the reason for the tank? unless I missed read/understood it wrong.

It read/felt a little Sin City to me - which is a compliment. Saw the same visual style as I read it.

Ending felt a little unfinished or cut short. I was reading and it just ended. Not sure if that is what you intended.

Not much to add as very little wrong or needs improving (in my opinion).
Click to expand...

Hey thanks!

Yeah the tank is just a quirky character trait... a bit of a Blue Velvet rip off..

I'm sure the script could benefit from another draft, I agree that the ending needs a little more punch.

Thanks for reading!

GrizzlyGuy said:
That was a fun read! Nice break from all the detective stories. The visuals were great, this story would look stunning on film.

The dialog struck me as a cleverly and deliberately written battle of cliches. "Curiosity killed the cat" was immediately trumped by "cat and mouse kinda game". They just kept coming with "lookin a gift horse in the mouth", "glutton for punishment", etc. I loved that, very pulpish and entertaining. Added some humor to all the virile violence.

Hopefully you guys can pull this one off for LossFest! :thumbup:
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Haha thanks! Yeah I specifically wanted to avoid cops and detectives in this one.

I'm glad you liked all the clichéd dialogue... I think your the first to specifically comment on that.

I would love to shoot this film for LossFest, but it doesn't look like I can scrounge up the funding to get it going...
 
Mike really liked this one and agree was happy to have a break from the Detective pieces.

I just read above comment you made about the tank. But for me there are a couple of times I wonder about it and his ability to carry out the action, e.g Morett #%$^ Candy against.... I was wondering how a tank man could actually get the job done.

INT. LIBRARY - LAST NIGHT. Word wise we can get that, but on screen, there needs to be a SUPER to show it.

I loved all the action sequences and the very character based dialogue.

In the end Im not sure I get this Moretti guy though. His late wife was a hooker that had sex with her killer. And he himself had a romp with Candy - I guess these actions make me think, does he even care ? (based on action with Candy) and then Why would he care (based on the info Ortiz gives him) and surely he would have known what kind of woman his late wife was. But that's just how I perceive it.

This one scored high for me.
 
Hey Noel.. yeah his dependence on the tank isn't meant to be handicap related... more like narcotics related...

As for Moretti himself... I can't really answer your questions, cuz frankly, I don't know! Haha... I just think it's funny. Seriously, what kind of guy do you have to be to do the things Moretti does? So many of his actions seem contradictory... I just love how driven he is... even if it doesn't really make sense.

Thanks for reading!
 
I loved your characters, really full of flaws, and everyone just had fantastic lines!

My only criticism is that the story seemed super linear to me. Guy wants revenge for his wife, guy has no trouble finding her killer, they have a bit of a shoot out, guy wins. Perhaps it might have worked nicer if he encountered a bit more trouble on the way, although I do appreciate that that's kinda hard to do in ten pages.

Really loved the image of a guy being kicked by prostitutes eating ice cream. Original, and incredibly funny!
 
What can I say? I'm a sucker for structure..

Though I don't think adding more obstacles for him to face would do anything to make the film less linear... and I do have a number of flashbacks in the film as well... Perhaps (instead of being too linear) you found the film to be too straightforward? I'll admit, it's not very dense (especially compared to something like A Work of Art!), but I think that's the beauty of it! Simple... straight to the point... and FUN!

Thanks for reading/commenting!
 
This was a very visual script, probably the most visual in the fest. I had a bit of a problem following the dialog at the beginning, Moretti and Candy seemed to be talking at cross purposes, but that may actually be fine and realistic. I did miss though that the dead woman was his wife till I read it here, though it was pretty obvious when I went back to the script again. I liked the dialog much better once Moretti and Ortiz meet up and from then on. I'm afraid that as soon as I read about the tank, "No Country for Old Men" jumped into my mind - it was such a strong element in that film that it's difficult to avoid. I think this was a very good script and would make a great short with strong visuals, but despite you calling it straightforward I did feel it took a bit of reading.
Jason
 
i like the flawed characters and the humorous elements... ice cream, prostitutes, revenge, the dessert, and oxygen tanks add up to a very colorful script.

i wasn't too keen on some of the word-choices. "ostensibly" means apparently or obviously... is that what you meant? i thought maybe you were trying to say "exaggeratedly" or something along those lines. ?? that's really not a big deal though.

also, i don't care for cliches. of course, this just my personal preference, but i love movies with really memorable and unique lines. plus, i'm not sure all of the cliches actually fit properly with what the characters were trying to say. but maybe that was intentional. misused cliches can be humorous.

overall, this script doesn't take itself too seriously, which i like, and there is a lot of action. thanks for the entertainment. :beer:
 
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Horncastle said:
This was a very visual script, probably the most visual in the fest. I had a bit of a problem following the dialog at the beginning, Moretti and Candy seemed to be talking at cross purposes, but that may actually be fine and realistic. I did miss though that the dead woman was his wife till I read it here, though it was pretty obvious when I went back to the script again. I liked the dialog much better once Moretti and Ortiz meet up and from then on. I'm afraid that as soon as I read about the tank, "No Country for Old Men" jumped into my mind - it was such a strong element in that film that it's difficult to avoid. I think this was a very good script and would make a great short with strong visuals, but despite you calling it straightforward I did feel it took a bit of reading.
Jason
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jamiejay said:
i like the flawed characters and the humorous elements... ice cream, prostitutes, revenge, the dessert, and oxygen tanks add up to a very colorful script.

i wasn't too keen on some of the word-choices. "ostensibly" means apparently or obviously... is that what you meant? i thought maybe you were trying to stay "exaggeratedly" or something along those lines. ?? that's really not a big deal though.

also, i don't care for cliches. of course, this just my personal preference, but i love movies with really memorable and unique lines. plus, i'm not sure all of the cliches actually fit properly with what the characters were trying to say. but maybe that was intentional. misused cliches can be humorous.

overall, this script doesn't take itself too seriously, which i like, and there is a lot of action. thanks for the entertainment. :beer:
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:smiley_up these are the last two comments from the previous page (just so you don't have to click back)... for the most part, these were my feelings after reading "DREAMS FOR THE BOTH OF US".

there were a few odd adverbs here and there (and i admit- i didn't know what ostensibly meant until the previous comment), but the story as a whole was entertaining.

i knew it was his wife, so that part of the plot wasn't confusing to me, and i did get the Anton Chigurh (NO COUNTRY) vibe from the air tank.

overall: nice, cool setting and characters, with enough strange behavior and action/violence to keep it interesting.
 
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Hey Thanks for reading... The full definition of "Ostensibly" is apparently or purportedly, but perhaps not actually. So when it reads, "Candy ostensibly chews gum," it's saying that she's chewing her gum with the intention of letting Morreti know she's chewing it... not necessarily because she enjoys chewing it. In other words, she's trying to act casual and seem disinterested...when really, she's setting him up for a trap - but being a little too obvious about it.
 
Nice straight forward action piece. You write the action really well. Liked the odds and ends, ice cream, the tank (nice homage)

As you said, Moretti's action are contradictory and don't always make the best sense...that's probably pretty realistic I think.

Good entertaining piece of writing.
 
after reading all of the scripts, i just want to say that your story definitely stands out for originality. very sin city. :)
 
You created a detailed and grimy world of sleaze. I wouldn't want to live there, but I loved being able to take a peek inside.

This was well written. The descriptions were visual and flowed nicely.

The characters, while hard to root for because they are so sleazy, still worked for me. I like that you didn't try to sugar coat things.

There are a few blocks of description that could be spaced out a bit, especially since you only used 7 pages out of the 10. Another thing I noticed was that the text seemed a bit fuzzy. It was still pretty easy to read, but would be better if it was cleaner and clear.

The dream sequence was cool. I would love to see what that would look like on film (or digital).

I'll never be able to get these images out of my mind whenever I eat ice cream again.
 
Review for Dreams for the both of us

I’d break that opening action block up. Gives your reader that ‘warning, daunting task ahead’ feeling right off the bat.

Your script is protected, so I can’t copy and paste examples :(

You have the pole dancing action in parenthesis. Curious.

What kind of tank is under the table? Oxygen?

Nice dichotomy of action – fondling and threatening. Classic! Great antagonism.

Bottom of page one …

Not sure I’d go so graphic with the action language in a script. Save that for dialogue. Maybe bangs?

‘Cat and mouse kind of game’ – great come back!

Oxygen tanks are not normally on a dolly. They are outfitted with their own wheels.

Page 3

Braces the door knob? Not sure what you mean.

Instead of RANDOM PROSTITUTE, use PROSTITUTE #1, #2, etc.

Where did Candy suddenly get a fire extinguisher?

Page 4

I assume the desert scene is a flashback?

Love the idea of the sofa in the middle of nowhere (one word, not two, unless you are making an emphatic form)

How do we know Shondra is the ex?

Page 5

Moretti had to move lightening quick to lift his tank and hit Ortiz before Ortiz could fire a shot.



Bottom of 5 – more action in parenthesis.

Page 6

Where did Moretti get this strength? Is he faking the whole oxygen thing?

How can he run across the bar and hit Ortiz in the face while being shot at?

Lot of Awe going on here.

What? Pulling the tank behind him? He had it all this time?

Okay, well, some pretty unbelievable athletics here. It’s a clean revenge story kinda lost in some absurd - albeit fun - action. Not sure if that is meant tongue-in-cheek or not.

Like the idea of the man with a tank and the prostitute, and think some great stories can continue to come out of it.


Maybe make Moretti a little more human in his abilities, and I think this is a sharp concept.


Very fun read.


aw

 
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