Desperate Times

I really want to know what the object was! :) But why did he not have his own car? I could have used more information and action. It is a good idea for a story though. I liked it. :)
 
Compelling intro! You got me. Fast read and action. Check out the active voice if you want to speed it up even more. I love the mystery, build and then the ha ha you'll never know. Those are the best freaking endings. Bravo.
 
a flashback would certainly give the story more dimension as most of it takes place through dialogue. you have a good start here. definitely had me wondering what it was he was supposed to find... out of curiosity, did you even have anything in mind, or was it always an unknown mystery even to you? good suspense. :)
 
Wow!! I started reading the first page and before I knew it, I was done!

Loved the script.. the ending was unexpected lol good job drawing me in
 
Glad you liked it. It's getting a major overhaul after the contest. The comments I've gotten here have given me some good ideas! Keep em coming guys!
 
I would lose the Continued on the end of pages, along with the Apotheosis Productions and Desperation - they just distract.

The dialog on page 3, 4 and 5 are a bit long, write it differently and reduce the running time.

I would avoid any mention of camera.

Finally, enjoyed the story. But think it needs more dept. Try and flesh it out more and see where it goes as 10-15 minute piece. Your set-up is top shelf, now just concentrate on the rest and a little tidy up and it will be even better.

Enjoyed it. Thanks.
 
The contined's I'm not sure if I can control...my script writing software does that. I'm going to see if I can turn it off. As for depth, definitely coming on the re-write. Planning on a longer script with more detail

Thanks for the comments!
 
hello..

(notes as i read)

scene one: dialog is a little on-the-nose, but effective in quickly setting up a conflict.

scene two: again, maybe a little too on-the-nose for me, but i guess TOM is getting right to the point with VANESSA.

TOM's huge chunk of dialog about having a bad day and arguing with his wife is awkward.. way too much info on what happened before he found the phone and the pic.

SERIES OF SHOTS kinda took me out of it for a second.

i don't really get it.. i mean i know what happened, but it just doesn't work for me. TOM dies and doesn't even save his family in the process.
 
Just wanted to say thanks again to everybody that read my script and offered advice. It's already being re-written as a 20 minute movie. Script for West Fest is done....look for that thread to pop up soon!

Thanks again!

=Justin=
 
a thread for the scripts or for the films? i finished my script for that as well.... i had written a western for the western script fest, but that wasn't really do-able... so i wrote a new one. i even have the film-makers, actors, and location... i have never entered film fest, so i'm excited.
 
This was a short and fast read.
No nonsenses straight into the action. I like that.
It has a nice frantic atmosphere.
I'm really curious to know what the macguffin is, maybe too curious. It could do with some big hints for the reader's satisfaction.
The script spans little time so I didn't find it very believable that the kidnapped woman tells him those very personal things at page 4 already.
I'm ok with that bad ending, but again it could use some more time.

Overall it could do with some more room to breathe, but there is enough to like. I'm curious to that 20 minute script :)
 
I think everyone else pretty much covered my thoughts on the script, but I'll re-cap a few.

Definitely lose the title and continueds on every page. They waste space and distract from the story.

While few scripts are error free in the writing department, you want to try and eliminate as many mistakes as possible. There are some commas and periods missing. When you don't have commas in certain places, sometimes the words run together and become very difficult to comprehend.

Try not to have a whole page or more of nothing but dialogue. In cases where you feel every line in lengthy dialogue scenes is needed, use little actions to break up the lengthy speeches. Film is visual, so you want to give the audience something to watch while people are having long coversations.

There was a solid frantic nature to the story, which is great, but it felt too rushed. I think some dialogue could be removed with more actions added and it could have gone the entire page limit to benefit from more story. We still don't really understand why people were threatening Tom's family. As someone suggested, a flashback or two could help.

Vanessa, as someone mentioned, tells too much personal info to a man she just met who has hijacked her car. That doesn't mean she can't say anything, but there needs to be a better conversation between them to bring out the details, if you feel they are necessary.

All of these things can be fixed easily. Overall, nice job!
 
Thanks for the comments. I agree whole-heartedly with everything said. I'll admit that I think the story I had in my head was much larger than maybe should have been attempted with the short page limit. I'm hoping that I can make things seem a little more realistic in the rewrite.

The only thing that really confuses me concerns action lines. I had another script submitted at moviepoet.com and I got hammered for describing to many actions and writing overly detailed environmental descriptions. At this point I'm having some difficulty determining what to include and what is either implied or unnecessary.
 
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