Desperate Times

J

justinormsby

Member
LOGLINE:

The line between good and evil blurs when an ordinary man, caught in an extrodinary situation, is forced to do whatever it takes to protect his family.



Hey all, learned of this website via a short for Betrayal Fest I'm acting in. This will be my first script submission. Script is now finished and sent off for comments. Poster to follow shortly.

Thanks everybody for providing a great website to study film.


POSTER DONE! Really simple, but it works I think. Sorry, didn't know how to embed poster in the thread so I attached it.
_____________

Feb 23rd

- Sent script out for comments, several comments have come back, considering their suggestions now. Have a local film maker interested in shooting the script, but would like to see it place well here first.

Cheers!

=Justin=
 

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Compelling line mate.

The poster was 600w X 800h at 72.
But I think there are poster specs in the FilmFest rules.
It talks about the standard size.
 
Alright...hypothetically speaking...what does one do if he has a good script, but, despite repeated efforts, one has proven to be incapable of making a decent poster? How does the poster factor into the contest?
 
Is the quality of the poster taken into consideration when judging the script? I mean, I could always pay to have one done, but I don't really want to do that unless it's going to have a significant impact on my entry.
 
Justin, I just found you. I look forward to reading your script. If you email me a synopsis I could rough draft you a poster, I'm not a whiz at it but I do have photoshop.
 
Hi Justin, just read your script.

*Spoilers*

Good story, fast paced. We are thrown straight into the action. The ending is a nice cliff hanger.

I thought this sentence was redundant - 'after a few seconds Tom becomes convinced that's she's not going to scream' - you need to visually show us this.

You should go to a flashback of his argument with his wife to show us. It would be far more interesting to see their emotions.

A general point that is always said in these Fests, you just need to tell the story and not plan all the shots. It reads a lot better for others that way. Also, get rid of the page continued, they are annoying.

Overall, a good story. You just need to work on showing and not overly describing. You had plenty of room to turn the background dialogue into a flash. Well done.
 
Ok, I'm going to review this as I read. Don't get mad I could've just said 'nice script'.

Pg 1
- What type of old buiding? Brownstone, Factory, Hospital, Hut?
- Do we need the parenthetical (frantic)? The dialog tells us this just fine. Good job by the way.
- You don't have to describe every action. What's he going to do after the call ends? Throw it in the river? If so I would write that, but hanging up and putting it in his pocket is taking up space. This block should be two blocks anyway, first we focus on him, next block we focus on the chick.
- Lose the camera directions. I know you may be filming this yourself, but we have to read it and maybe a producer or two. So make the story first once you have funding then make it a shooting script.
- lose the Continueds they are old school and just make your script look cluttered.
- Again, what's she going to do? Jump through the window Duke's of Hazard style? Just write 'Vaness gets into her car'.
Pg 2
- Don't tell us 'she's not going to scream' show us how Tom thinks this. Show him relax or something. Wait, she really wasn't going to scream? I was about to commend you on some properly place obstacles to your hero's goal. She should scream, doesn't need to lead to anything, just adds soem tension.
- Try to lose 'ing' words. They come off passive and less intersting than there alternatives.
- 'So serious' line just doesn't ring true to me. I guess because she really has no idea what's happening to this guy yet.
Pg 4
- Holy crap that lady just opened up. She did this to a kidnapper, she must be a horrible person to talk to when she knows you. Maybe this could be cut a little.
Pg 5
- I would mention some misteps in her get away, unless she's a pro at this.
Pg 6
- You got action in my parenthetical. The officer's actions needs to be an action block.

What? That's it. It's over? It was just getting good. How could he of done anything in that time. Was he just suppose to get somewhere or get something and return it. Why his family. I'm not buying it now. You don't kidnap a family with out a purpose. Like maybe this guys a defense contractor with access to what they want or (like what has happened a few time) he's a bank manager and is the only person who can open the vault in the morning.

Overall good job.
 
Hey Justin - just finished reading your script. Enjoyed the story. Was surprised by the ending - definitely left me wondering. No other comments from me - I'm still too new at this to know what I'm even doing.
 
Hi Justin,

Just read your story.

I was waiting and waiting to see what he was looking for - what was it he was looking for? I haven't missed it, have I?

On p3 Tom says "said some horrible thing" that sends me wondering why. I missed the visuals there, maybe you could show them arguing.

on p5 I find it hard to buy into Vanessa slamming on gas and not stopping. She just met the guy.

Overall you build up suspense good, I think, and got me curious.
 
Justin, I liked the writing style and the dialog was good as well, the ending didn't work for me. With the rules being the way they are its tough to tell a complete story. I liked it though and a very good entry. One of the better ones I've read so far.
 
Guys I REALLY appreciate the comments. They're exactly what I need. I've just started to get into the script writing thing and even now some of the things you are suggesting seem so much more obvious to me than they did when I wrote the original story!

Couple points just for clarity.

1) The entire script was built off the idea of making the MacGuffin important and then have the story end so abruptly that nobody ever realizes what it was. In many ways I understand that this can be frustrating, but as a viewer I'd almost rather leave a film with a feeling of frustration than a feeling of "oh yeah, that was obvious."

2) TOTALLY agree that there needs to be some back story behind the kidnapping. Where I struggled with this is putting the main character into this situation without making him culpable for it. I felt like if I gave the kidnappers any reason to kidnap his family, then the main character would seem somewhat responsible and I was trying to avoid that. When writing, the main conflict to me was between the good person the main character was, and the actions he needed to do to protect his family. DEFINITELY needs a re-think and I appreciate the comments in this regard.

3) Flashback is an absolute must...will defniitely be included in the re-write.

4) Sorry for the descriptive language and calling the camera shots. I write that up as being (basically) complete ignorant of the process. Definitely will change all of that in the re-write. If I would have done less of this, I would have had more room to develop the story!

5) Apologize for the "continued"s. Honestly, my script writing software does that automatically, and I'm not sure if I can turn that off...but I'm certainly going to try!

Thanks again guys! Really enjoyed everything I've read. Keep 'um coming...this is the only way I'm going to get better!

CHEERS!

=Justin=
 
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