"Death Of The Red Mask" - a comic book short film...

arhartman

arhartman

Well-known member
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJI8tPJAV9M
http://www.myspace.com/theredmaskfilm
http://www.youtube.com/austinrhartman

This is the tale of an aged an retired super villain from the golden age of comics who relinquishes his life story to a young girl that can breathe underwater. From the good to the bad points in his life, this dark-comdey explores the virtues of what it means to have power, and what it means to be a super hero and villain.

Written and directed by
Austin hartman

Inspired by Animal Man #7 by
Grant Morrison
Published by DC COMICS

Cinematography by
Jeremy Royce

Starring
Tom Hughes, Claire Hartman, Joe Petersen
& Jeffery K. Meyers

executive producers
lynn and steve bridges
peter hartman

costumes by
scarlet kellum

Original music by
Peter Wallner

Ending Song by
Ash Reiter

© 2009 exit pictures

DEATH OF THE RED MASK

e-mail @:
arhartman@gmail.com

links:
http://www.exitpictures.org/ (production company)
http://www.myspace.com/newbengalspice (peter wallner)
http://www.myspace.com/drunkenboat (ash reiter)
 
Great concept, but sorry to say, it was poorly executed. Now hopefully this doesn't get you discouraged.

Anyways, let's break it down, see where the problems are.

Writing: Now personally, I think they key problem is the script. Narratively it didn't come together. We watch as a man explains his life story, and it all comes in flashbacks. We've seen this before, so why doesn't it work here? Structure is problematic, but that's more editing. I think the key problem is the main question... who is he?

Basically, why am I watching this? What do I want to find out? Almost immediately we find out everything about him, he's a retired super villain and old beyond his prime, but seems to be a good guy (which is a bit strange in itself). So why should we stick around and listen to his life story? It's about mystery, questions that need to be answered, this is what helps to hold a story together. I just wasn't feeling it.

Now the flashbacks were fun, and interesting. Love the bear. But thinking of films that are told through flashbacks, normally the flashbacks help feed a curiosity that the writer helped to establish.

Dialogue: The dialogue was just too much. Everything was too wordy, and he was just talking way too much, which slowed down the piece dramatically (and he wasn't really a good actor and didn't know his lines perfectly, which didn't help). Tighten up your dialogue, the sentences, the repeats, only say what needs to be said.

Also it just didn't feel natural. Dialogue is one of the most difficult parts of writing, so don't worry about it, just keep working on it, read up on it.

Editing: Now editing wise, the beginning worked very well. I actually thought this was going to be a top notch film because of the interesting intro. But then it kind of fell apart. You should have cut out so much of the speaking. Honestly, the pace was very slow and I found myself zoning in and out often. Also I still got the jist of it, so I didn't miss much by doing so. This ten minute film could have been 3-5 minutes easily. Part of filmmaking is learning to cut out things you've labored over without looking back, or thinking twice.

I gotta ask though... what was with the news report? It felt out of place. He was talking about his dog for a good amount of time, then we cut to some, sorry to say, but terrible looking news show, that mentions this guy then astro girl (which I thought she had something to do with the story, but didn't). Then he continues about something else unrelated. Felt like a mistake, like you put it in there without realizing it...

Acting: Now honestly, this is one of the many things that hurt your piece. Now whether it's directing, or acting that contributed to the poor performances, doesn't matter. The performances were lacking greatly. Felt like a high school project where everyone is reading a script being held up by a friend behind the camera. Plus because of the slow and heavy dialogue, and because they didn't know their lines, it slowed everything down.

Camera Work: Not the worst, but nothing great. Very basic stuff. Some zooms that didn't look that great (like the funeral), and some compositions weren't the best, but nothing to complain about. Best shot was the dolly at the begining intro. It worked beautifully with the title. However the news report on the other hand was just really ugly. Don't use white background like that... ever. Negative space, like large white backgrounds, have to be used properly. Just doesn't work for that (plus the white border really didn't help).

Music: First song was beautiful, worked well and set a mood. Honestly I loved the intro. But afterwards, the music was seriously lacking, and didn't help the piece.

The ending: Now what was that all about!? My god this is morbid. You set a fun light hearted mood, with silly characters like a bear and Dr. Tame, and a little girl in the middle of it all, then she says goodbye and he drowns himself!?! Didn't fit at all. It just really didn't work. Felt like you needed a way to end it and decided upon that.

Overall: Like I said good concept, and it had a great intro, but you gotta work on putting things together narratively. Structure, pacing, dialogue, acting, these are things that need to be worked on. Also give us something to keep us watching, especially if you're going on for 10 minutes. Remember, don't be afraid to cut out half your movie.

Hopefully you take this with a good heart. I'm just trying to help, even if it seems like I'm just ripping apart your piece. Be sure to keep improving.
 
Jon Starr said:
Great concept, but sorry to say, it was poorly executed. Now hopefully this doesn't get you discouraged.

Anyways, let's break it down, see where the problems are.

Writing: Now personally, I think they key problem is the script. Narratively it didn't come together. We watch as a man explains his life story, and it all comes in flashbacks. We've seen this before, so why doesn't it work here? Structure is problematic, but that's more editing. I think the key problem is the main question... who is he?

Basically, why am I watching this? What do I want to find out? Almost immediately we find out everything about him, he's a retired super villain and old beyond his prime, but seems to be a good guy (which is a bit strange in itself). So why should we stick around and listen to his life story? It's about mystery, questions that need to be answered, this is what helps to hold a story together. I just wasn't feeling it.

Now the flashbacks were fun, and interesting. Love the bear. But thinking of films that are told through flashbacks, normally the flashbacks help feed a curiosity that the writer helped to establish.

Dialogue: The dialogue was just too much. Everything was too wordy, and he was just talking way too much, which slowed down the piece dramatically (and he wasn't really a good actor and didn't know his lines perfectly, which didn't help). Tighten up your dialogue, the sentences, the repeats, only say what needs to be said.

Also it just didn't feel natural. Dialogue is one of the most difficult parts of writing, so don't worry about it, just keep working on it, read up on it.

Editing: Now editing wise, the beginning worked very well. I actually thought this was going to be a top notch film because of the interesting intro. But then it kind of fell apart. You should have cut out so much of the speaking. Honestly, the pace was very slow and I found myself zoning in and out often. Also I still got the jist of it, so I didn't miss much by doing so. This ten minute film could have been 3-5 minutes easily. Part of filmmaking is learning to cut out things you've labored over without looking back, or thinking twice.

I gotta ask though... what was with the news report? It felt out of place. He was talking about his dog for a good amount of time, then we cut to some, sorry to say, but terrible looking news show, that mentions this guy then astro girl (which I thought she had something to do with the story, but didn't). Then he continues about something else unrelated. Felt like a mistake, like you put it in there without realizing it...

Acting: Now honestly, this is one of the many things that hurt your piece. Now whether it's directing, or acting that contributed to the poor performances, doesn't matter. The performances were lacking greatly. Felt like a high school project where everyone is reading a script being held up by a friend behind the camera. Plus because of the slow and heavy dialogue, and because they didn't know their lines, it slowed everything down.

Camera Work: Not the worst, but nothing great. Very basic stuff. Some zooms that didn't look that great (like the funeral), and some compositions weren't the best, but nothing to complain about. Best shot was the dolly at the begining intro. It worked beautifully with the title. However the news report on the other hand was just really ugly. Don't use white background like that... ever. Negative space, like large white backgrounds, have to be used properly. Just doesn't work for that (plus the white border really didn't help).

Music: First song was beautiful, worked well and set a mood. Honestly I loved the intro. But afterwards, the music was seriously lacking, and didn't help the piece.

The ending: Now what was that all about!? My god this is morbid. You set a fun light hearted mood, with silly characters like a bear and Dr. Tame, and a little girl in the middle of it all, then she says goodbye and he drowns himself!?! Didn't fit at all. It just really didn't work. Felt like you needed a way to end it and decided upon that.

Overall: Like I said good concept, and it had a great intro, but you gotta work on putting things together narratively. Structure, pacing, dialogue, acting, these are things that need to be worked on. Also give us something to keep us watching, especially if you're going on for 10 minutes. Remember, don't be afraid to cut out half your movie.

Hopefully you take this with a good heart. I'm just trying to help, even if it seems like I'm just ripping apart your piece. Be sure to keep improving.
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Jon Starr pretty much nailed it here, so I'll try not to rehash what he said in my own words. The concept was very interesting, and honestly, was the only reason I watched the whole thing. But, the dialog was clunky, and the actors stumbling over their lines really draw you out of the story. Also, some of your cuts/shots were too long. When The Red Mask first rolls up to the pool took forever. Perhaps if there were some music driving it, it wouldn't have been so off putting. And then after he starts talking to the girl, some of the cuts were too long, and could have used some variations. I.E. from 2:29-2:45 is one static wide shot. Too long for me.

First, I'm thinking, "Oh neat, touch of death." Then, I'm bored with this 15 second long, uninteresting shot. Keeping things static like this makes them seem like they are taking longer than they really are. The dialog needed to be concise. Couple long shots with clunky dialog, and we've got some trouble.

Enough of the critiquing. I will say that I, too, loved the intro. It was really cool. And I loved the dolly, and underwater shots. Plus, your concept was super cool too. If you've got some time, and hopefully enough coverage, you could probably take this back to the editing room and make it 10x better just by cutting some bits, or re-editing.

I've got a prime example of this in my sig. If you watch the Vincent "trailer", you can see how it sort of drags. I wish we had done more J cuts and L cuts. If we could have trimmed another minute out of the "trailer" it would be, in my opinion, much better. Unfortunately, it's the video with the highest amount of hits we've got at the moment. So, we can't really take it down and re-edit it. Hindsight is always 20/20.

Again, lots of potential, and some pretty cools shots. With some more practice, you could probably do some really good things.

Hope I wasn't too harsh. Best of luck to you. :beer:
 
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I got to say that I couldn't agree more. To both of you.
This project for me, was something entirely new in regards to the production. During the making of the movie, I incorporated a lot of new elements, i.e. hiring actors, costume designer, investors, etc, etc. And while I've made a lot of movies before, I felt with this project I spread myself a little thin. Now, while I hope I don't sound defensive, I do got to say that the script is a lot different than the final product, which is a terrible bummer, but I had to cut so much out due to the actors inability to do anything. One day we are doing a read through and both actors say they memorized their lines, and the next day they say that they forgot them?!?! Either way, the script is a lot stronger then the movie lets on and was in two screenplay competitions and faired quite well.
Overall, I love and hate this movie. I love it because I love to make movies, and also I love comic books. But I hate it because it ruined a strong script, and cool concept. Either way, I've made a lot of movies, and this is definitely one of the weirdest productions for me - ever!
Anywho, thanks for the feedback, and thanks for watching.
 
I was confused, because the production quality really varied. You had the intro, which looked great, and then that newscast??
I definitely think you have something hear if you spend some time chopping it down and working on the sound. If you're tired of it now, at least revisit it later.
 
arhartman said:
I got to say that I couldn't agree more. To both of you.
This project for me, was something entirely new in regards to the production. During the making of the movie, I incorporated a lot of new elements, i.e. hiring actors, costume designer, investors, etc, etc. And while I've made a lot of movies before, I felt with this project I spread myself a little thin. Now, while I hope I don't sound defensive, I do got to say that the script is a lot different than the final product, which is a terrible bummer, but I had to cut so much out due to the actors inability to do anything. One day we are doing a read through and both actors say they memorized their lines, and the next day they say that they forgot them?!?! Either way, the script is a lot stronger then the movie lets on and was in two screenplay competitions and faired quite well.
Overall, I love and hate this movie. I love it because I love to make movies, and also I love comic books. But I hate it because it ruined a strong script, and cool concept. Either way, I've made a lot of movies, and this is definitely one of the weirdest productions for me - ever!
Anywho, thanks for the feedback, and thanks for watching.
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Glad you agree. Too bad it lost it's initial idea from script to production. It's fine to explain it to us, especially if there are circumstances that ruined the film, just as long as you realize what you yourself can do better next time. It all comes down to you, your vision, and how you approach it. If you have a bad shoot, sometimes it means a re-shoot with new actors, new script, etc. (depends how attached to the project you are).

So hold on, you paid the actors? As in they're professionals? Cause honestly, they really didn't seem like it. I thought you got people you knew.
 
Jon Starr said:
So hold on, you paid the actors? As in they're professionals? Cause honestly, they really didn't seem like it. I thought you got people you knew.
Click to expand...

No, I didn't pay them, nor are they professionals. The budget was spent on costume designers, materials, props... basically everything BUT the actors.

Oh well, I've definitely learned so much form this experience of dealing with a film that has a larger budget, and crew, and the focus it demands from me to each person and thing, and that I need to stay on top of all of the aforementioned aspect of the film.

Any-who, since I've finished this I've written another script and almost done with two more that I am really proud of. The thing is, I've made films that I've written, and I've made a film that someone else has written, but I've never just handed off a script to have someone else make it.

Do you guys have any suggestions for a good place to find directors looking for scripts?
 
First off, there were actually a couple of poolside shots that I enjoyed. But no amount of acting or sophisticated editing could have saved this script. You defended it saying somethings had to be cut -- cutting is not what damaged the script, it was the dialog. This was awful, awful, wretched writing. Period. Whoever wrote this should not ever write dialog again. This person cannot be taught or resoned with. They obviously aren't a writer so they should stop pretending to be one. Tell this person to not write anything ever again concerning any dialog of any kind in any format.

Beyond that, the concept is cute. The costumes were silly. And why was the main character so obese and then the older guy is a more normal weight? It felt like "We only have a fat guy to play this role." And I know you say you hired professionals, but holy mother of Christmas that old guy couldnt deliver one of these horribly written lines to save his life! How the heck is the little girl delivering her lines just fine and yet this guy acts like he's reading stereo instructions? Next time you see an actor struggling like this, give them some leeway in the script, let them approach it in a more method, naturalistic way. Anyone can act (my friggin 4 year old nephew can act). It's just a matter of either casting the right person or conforming the character to meld with the actor you've chosen (I'm speaking on the low budget side of things where you can't always afford the best actors).

Overall, again, I like some of the shots. I really, truly did. Everything else, with the exception of the little girl and a few of the cuts, this did not impress. And if you're the director, whatever failed - be it costume design, sound or acting - you're the one responsible. Everything is your fault -- so next time make every moment, every nuance count, right?

Good luck!!!
 
Chamber005 said:
First off, there were actually a couple of poolside shots that I enjoyed. But no amount of acting or sophisticated editing could have saved this script. You defended it saying somethings had to be cut -- cutting is not what damaged the script, it was the dialog. This was awful, awful, wretched writing. Period. Whoever wrote this should not ever write dialog again. This person cannot be taught or resoned with. They obviously aren't a writer so they should stop pretending to be one. Tell this person to not write anything ever again concerning any dialog of any kind in any format.

Beyond that, the concept is cute. The costumes were silly. And why was the main character so obese and then the older guy is a more normal weight? It felt like "We only have a fat guy to play this role." And I know you say you hired professionals, but holy mother of Christmas that old guy couldnt deliver one of these horribly written lines to save his life! How the heck is the little girl delivering her lines just fine and yet this guy acts like he's reading stereo instructions? Next time you see an actor struggling like this, give them some leeway in the script, let them approach it in a more method, naturalistic way. Anyone can act (my friggin 4 year old nephew can act). It's just a matter of either casting the right person or conforming the character to meld with the actor you've chosen (I'm speaking on the low budget side of things where you can't always afford the best actors).

Overall, again, I like some of the shots. I really, truly did. Everything else, with the exception of the little girl and a few of the cuts, this did not impress. And if you're the director, whatever failed - be it costume design, sound or acting - you're the one responsible. Everything is your fault -- so next time make every moment, every nuance count, right?

Good luck!!!
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Hup! I just read some of your responses and realized that YOU wrote this script...

:::sigh:::

That makes things much more complicated then, doesn't it?

But hey, honesty is what I think folks are looking for on these boards, so we'll save all the candy toppings for the ice cream, yeah?

Bad, bad, bad dialog, sir. And no matter what anyone tells you it cannot be mended. A person is born with an ear for dialog the way they are born with an ear for music. If you're tone deaf you will never NOT be tone deaf. You can rehearse and pretend and imitate, but you will never hear music the way a Dr. Suzuki did, ya see?

Now, just because you can't WRITE good music doesn't mean you can't PLAY it. Heck, you may, as a violinist have a great CONCEPT for a piece of music, an arrangement -- but as a tone deaf violinist you should know not to try and write the piece yourself.

So this is what I advise you do: Take your fun, cute or quirky CONCEPTS, write your script, and then GIVE IT TO SOMEONE ELSE! You need someone to come in and write the dialog for you. There are tons of cats on this board who I'm sure would be more than willing to contribute an edit or two to your script, especially if they know you're going to actually shoot it! That gives them cred, ya know?

If you continue to write the dialog yourself, I promise you will never ever get anywhere with your films, which would be a terrible shame because you obviously have the passion. There are plenty of talented writers itching to co-write things that they know will be produced. Go get them!

That's my (amended) advice.
 
Well dialogue is one of the toughest, if not THE toughest aspect of writing for any writer. It's funny, dialogue is so important, yet the story and everything else is far more important than dialogue.

To get at least decent dialogue try to look up people like Karl Iglesias, just read one of his books "writing for emotional impact" and it helped my dialogue a lot, made it tighter, faster, more natural, etc... I'm not saying it'll make you a great dialogue writer. Just like Chamber says, some people have it, some people don't. There are a lot of professional writers that don't have an ear for dialogue, and they often co-write, or they hire a script doctor to fix up their dialogue.

Then there's not only dialogue, but writing dialogue for the characters, taking into account pacing, tone, slang, beats, etc. and THEN you have to think about writing the dialogue for the actor, because sometimes that actor just doesn't sound natural or right saying that one line...

It's tough to say the least. Not all of us are Quentin Tarantino. He's been brought on to specifically write dialogue scenes for movies.
 
Disregard all that advice above, it's worthless.

Problem #1 - the concept is too weak. What you should have done, is to exploit the potential that's already there. This little movie already almost works, by accident. It is quite fun, if you take it to be real camp. And that's what you should have done. Add a big dose of John Waters. The biggest problem is not your dialogue, it's your tone. I listened to the ramblings of the old guy as if it's in a John Waters movie, and it almost works. First, cut down on the speeches. Too long (at least by 50%). Next, fix the tone - make it camp (in content), but acted straight. A lot of the stuff was nice - the bar scene when he turns into an alcoholic, the funeral - but you needed to camp it up a bit. The actor is not great, but you could have made it work: think of those parodies of 50's TV ads, with the earnest tone promoting absurd things. Also, the old guy should have totally saved the little girl from a lurking pedo, and only then given his life story.

So, what you need to focus on is story, and tone. You almost got it. Now take it to the next level. Getting good performances from amateur actors is always a challenge, but you gotta adapt to what you have - and in this case, the old guy could totally play it straight, but you shoot it for camp - it would work (it almost works like that as it is).

Also, the ending is stupid. And the last song is barf-worthy - change that this second.

Shooting style - sir, you need more set-ups. More angles. It's too static. Get in close - that also works when he's saying something insane and you get to watch him, then pull back to something else for contrast or payoff. As it's shot, it's dullsville... except the beginning with the title sequence up until he started moving in his wheelchair - that was nicely done.

Bottom line: a lot of potential. But you need a bit more spring in your step - don't be so pedestrian. The audience wants to be entertained. You gotta pull out all the stops here.
 
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