Death By Cop

Anthony Todaro

Anthony Todaro

Well-known member
picture9va.jpg


When the going gets tough, the tough get going.


READ THIS ONE, NOT THE ONE ON DVX: http://bit.ly/qq2c1G​
 
Last edited:
Child slave labor! ouch.
I guess you don't realize KhamIsk that on top of the extensive time he spent on the poster he spent hours searching through cheesy sayings to get that log line.
:violent5:
 
Chris_Keaton said:
Child slave labor! ouch.
I guess you don't realize KhamIsk that on top of the extensive time he spent on the poster he spent hours searching through cheesy sayings to get that log line.
:violent5:
Click to expand...

:nads:mad:Chris- At least I don't have the word "FATHER" in my title... Pass the Velveta!
The sad truth is I'm jealous of both of your posters and trying to make up for it with lots of smileys. :badputer:
 
Last edited:
Your script sucks!

*** Don't read reviews until you've read the screenplay.

Seriously this was awesome! Really. I felt for this guy and most of it was with just the visuals.
 
Last edited:
Actually there is a major 'auto' error in the thing. I'm a dumbass.
I uploaded the wrong version.. Remind me never to write sober again.

The noun 'bill' as in utility 'bill' has been replaced by 'Joe' or 'Joes'.
 
Anthony Todaro said:
Actually there is a major 'auto' error in the thing. I'm a dumbass.
I uploaded the wrong version.. Remind me never to write sober again.

The noun 'bill' as in utility 'bill' has been replaced by 'Joe' or 'Joes'.
Click to expand...

That's hilarious. I can't wait to read how that plays out. I promise not to take points off :cheesy: lol
I heard that once some newspaper had a similar problem and ended up having African American cars in the classifieds instead of black ones. So it could be worse, you see!
 
This is really atmospheric as all of your stuff. Really nice job with it - slow poignant build-up to a devastating ending.

Unfortunately I read the first draft - noticed the Joes right away. It sticks out beautifully! I'll go through the new version, see if I spot any typos.
 
I read the correct version.
Page 3 - that should be Sheila's Mom (V.O.) not Sheila.
Some folks think using (Cont'd) is passe. Doesn't really bother me.

MAJOR SPOILER! MAJOR SPOILER! MAJOR SPOILER! MAJOR SPOILER!





I think the last line: BOOM, BOOM, BOOM- The police announce as they bust in from outside. - reads a little odd, as if the cops are yelling Boom rather than gunning down Joe.

Nice little script, but very depressing. Might be a little long, we get the family's problems early on. I'm not sure the insurance company would buy it, but it's a short script and there's only so much you can do. On screen it would have a lot of impact. Good job.
 
Anthony,

I give script criticism by the line as I read.



Pg 1 he and his wife's bedroom. **I stumbled reading - grammar.
**Uniform multiple instances in this action with odd capitalization
CUT TO BLACK **usually used at story end. Used in this manner it is directing.
INT. TOY STORE **I'm a bit lost why this scene is shown. Hopefully it is revealed later.
Pg 2 **Love the cell phone scene.
Pg 3 How's three-ish sound? **This should be SHEILA'S MOM (V.O.) not SHEILA.
the phone drops put of her hands **grammar
Pg 7 **Loved the ending and it explained the opening flashback.
One addition I might suggest is to show him cutting off the orange tip on the gun.
Might also do a quick flashback to the mailbox after revealing the last checkbook entry.
Might I also recommend a title change that doesn't give away the ending.
Great story - well written.
 
Most of the formatting/grammar notes seem to have been given, but I was thrown by the wife seeming to be introduced three times, as WOMAN, WIFE, and SHEILA. I thought maybe they were different women, and this was some weird polygamist short film. It seems like she should just be introduced as SHEILA in the first picture's description, and then referred to by Sheila from then on.

I thought this was a strong piece. Lots of great visual storytelling, especially in the toy store. The out-of-sequence structure seemed a bit arbitrary at times, as in the random unnecessary scene of him pulling into the toy store.

The pills scene in the bathroom was particularly strong. Nice details. It felt realistic and moving.

There was too much crying for me overall. In such a short piece, I think it will lose impact with emotion overload.

This definitely could be a very powerful short film.
 
***SPOILERS***
Hi Anthony, here we go. Making notes as I read.
"Him" = him... or himself would probably be better (pg1)
I'm assuming WOMAN and WIFE are the same person? You should introduce her and give her a name the first time even if it is just a picture.
Hmmm why all these toys and the trips to the toy store... and no kid so far??? :( Please don't tell me...
They are crying so I guess the kid is dead... but why doesn't the grandmother know?
Now the kid is in the hallway... color me confused...
Oh man, that's a dramatic ending... I did not see that coming.
I would have liked to have seen some interaction with him and the kid... after all, he was planning to off himself, I would think that he would want to spend some time with her first. But then again, I guess he values money and physical goods (toys) more than his own presence in her life so that kind of explains that. The ending is especially sad because I don't think the insurance will pay because when they find out what he did they will call it a suicide... the wife could sue the city for the cops shooting him, I guess, though that would probably be hard to win as well. Bummer.
Overall, this is well-written and you create a powerful sense of uneasiness. Nice job!

PS Anthony, I have Todaro's in my family, in Italy. Do any of your family happen to be from Sicily near Agrigento?
 
Thanks for the feedback everyone.


@KhamIsk I'll take atmospheric thanks. Nothing worse than a chatty script that doesn't create feel.

@taylormade Can you believe it's based on a few true stories? It's hard to beleive but totally true. BOOM BOOM You got something against John Lee Hooker man? ;p

@Sunk99 - The orange tip... Lol. I had a shot of it broken off in the trash can. I pulled it in the rewrite. I guess it's going back in... Thanks for the compliments, BTW.

@jasonthewho - I'll consider trimming the crying. Implied crying IS so much cooler. Muchas gracias amigo.

@BasilSunshine - It's hard to believe, but this actually happened. Thanks for the compliments. Todaro's are like Jones's in Sicily. I wouldn't doubt we share some garlic infested chromosome. Pisan...
 
Throw another shrimp on the barbie. Why Brit-speak? Are you wearing a London Fog coat right now? Jollly good then.
Thanks for the review, I forgot to thank you because you were all the way back on page 1.

Nutter... I think of Nutter Butters when I read that. Nom.
 
Not sure how I feel about this one. Starting with the preview of the last scene first, you always have to keep that in mind when you read. So I kept thinking about the gun in his hand, is he going to shoot his wife or himself? So after seeing the couple's relationship wasn't ever in question the life insurance became a little predictable. You did get me with a little misdirection with the toy gun and the cops.

The scenes in the toy store was the same scene just running parallel to everything else?

Great job overall.
Good job overall.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top