Michael Anthony Horrigan
More Cowbell Pictures
No problem. It's a really strong script and I had to nitpick to find anything wrong with it. Well done!
Mike
Dead Men
- Thread starter krestofre
- Start date
Mike
Krestofre,
My one comment is that I'd like to have Daniel know that his girlfriend was going to die, but that he discovers that she is so despondent that she plans to kill herself.
Him having that advance knowledge introduces a lot of possible themes. Can Daniel somehow cross the line to prevent this - and what we all believe to be the consequences of same?
Might our matter-of-fact narrator (antagonist?) finally do away with the rules to go above and beyond the pattern of his own destiny to help someone else?
You have a nice, easy and spartan writing style. I only wish more features that I read were written with that same sensibility.
CONSIDER
e
My one comment is that I'd like to have Daniel know that his girlfriend was going to die, but that he discovers that she is so despondent that she plans to kill herself.
Him having that advance knowledge introduces a lot of possible themes. Can Daniel somehow cross the line to prevent this - and what we all believe to be the consequences of same?
Might our matter-of-fact narrator (antagonist?) finally do away with the rules to go above and beyond the pattern of his own destiny to help someone else?
You have a nice, easy and spartan writing style. I only wish more features that I read were written with that same sensibility.
CONSIDER
e
krestofre
Knight of the Holy Order
That angle I like. I could get behind that idea and do a lot with it. Good suggestion!
Thanks a lot for the compliment. That really means a lot to me.
aegriffin
Member
Geez, this is an excellent script and the suggestions have been really good as well.
Hmmm, perhaps consider the idea of Daniel and his girlfirend's deaths somehow interconnect in another dramatic generating way. I don't feel it has to be a negetive suicide thing as that could lend itself to far too much melodrama - unless that is something you would like to pursue.
It could be something as simple as leading the audience in this way:
Where is my wallet?
With your body.
Cut to: the house/apartment Daniel and his girlfriend share. Daniel is dead in the basement from an apparent Carbon Monoxide leak in the water heater.
Now the girlfriend comes home and she is slowly being poisoned by the same incident unaware that Daniel's body is in the basement. It raises the stakes timewise and you could potentially couch the idea of Daniel confronting Dead Man as to what would happen if two people used the same tunnel of light in the heated exchange as we watch her overcome by the gas.
Not only does it side step the heaven/hell allusion that is obvious to the audience but has to be explained to Daniel but this would also serve to get you out of the exposition that is explaining the purpose of that list and why peoples names are on it as a device to move the story forward.
And please forgive the sloppiness of offering a snap "rewrite." I just didn't know a better way to convey the suggestion in an easier manner.
Nice pace and easy read. Looking forward to more!
Hmmm, perhaps consider the idea of Daniel and his girlfirend's deaths somehow interconnect in another dramatic generating way. I don't feel it has to be a negetive suicide thing as that could lend itself to far too much melodrama - unless that is something you would like to pursue.
It could be something as simple as leading the audience in this way:
Where is my wallet?
With your body.
Cut to: the house/apartment Daniel and his girlfriend share. Daniel is dead in the basement from an apparent Carbon Monoxide leak in the water heater.
Now the girlfriend comes home and she is slowly being poisoned by the same incident unaware that Daniel's body is in the basement. It raises the stakes timewise and you could potentially couch the idea of Daniel confronting Dead Man as to what would happen if two people used the same tunnel of light in the heated exchange as we watch her overcome by the gas.
Not only does it side step the heaven/hell allusion that is obvious to the audience but has to be explained to Daniel but this would also serve to get you out of the exposition that is explaining the purpose of that list and why peoples names are on it as a device to move the story forward.
And please forgive the sloppiness of offering a snap "rewrite." I just didn't know a better way to convey the suggestion in an easier manner.
Nice pace and easy read. Looking forward to more!
krestofre
Knight of the Holy Order
No apologies necessary Griffin. That's definitely an interesting idea, and would make for a dramatic addition to the script. I like how well you thought it out and am honored that you'd spend so much time thinking about my script.
I keep running this suggestion over and over in my head and I'm not sure how it would affect the overall point of the script. I think I'd have to write it out and look at it on paper to be sure one way or another.
Thanks again for the suggestion!
I keep running this suggestion over and over in my head and I'm not sure how it would affect the overall point of the script. I think I'd have to write it out and look at it on paper to be sure one way or another.
Thanks again for the suggestion!
Thanks for your feedback on my scripts krestofre, sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you, but I appreciate it.
I really like the way you did this. First of all, you didn't make him the typical "death" or "grim reaper" in a hood with a syth. He even kinda makes fun of those, which brings me to the next thing I like. The way you made the Dead man so non chalant and almost annoyed was a perfect touch for me it made the script. Great dialouge and sarcasm.
My suggestian on the ending is to give it some time between Daniel's death and his girl's. Show him trying out the new "death" job or something. Then for the bathroom scene right after the blue light shoots out of the door have th dead man just look in and the entire room is empty with the shower running, and that's when he say's....son of a *****...in a laughing/jelouse way. To do this though you have to put more emphasis on the convorsation about "2 people through one tunnel" to make it obvious of what he did. But I like how you close it all out with the dead man walking down the sidewalk, it shows that even though he just saw first-hand that 2 people can go through one tunnel, he follows the rules and his job is what he does.
I really like the way you did this. First of all, you didn't make him the typical "death" or "grim reaper" in a hood with a syth. He even kinda makes fun of those, which brings me to the next thing I like. The way you made the Dead man so non chalant and almost annoyed was a perfect touch for me it made the script. Great dialouge and sarcasm.
My suggestian on the ending is to give it some time between Daniel's death and his girl's. Show him trying out the new "death" job or something. Then for the bathroom scene right after the blue light shoots out of the door have th dead man just look in and the entire room is empty with the shower running, and that's when he say's....son of a *****...in a laughing/jelouse way. To do this though you have to put more emphasis on the convorsation about "2 people through one tunnel" to make it obvious of what he did. But I like how you close it all out with the dead man walking down the sidewalk, it shows that even though he just saw first-hand that 2 people can go through one tunnel, he follows the rules and his job is what he does.
alex whitmer
Veteran
Page 3
BODIES are strung around
Maybe you mea ‘strewn’ . They aren’t christmas lights!!
This …
Finally a red shaft of
light appears.
DEAD MAN (cont’d)
Sorry about that one, buddy. Make
the best of it.
Very funny stuff.
More good stuff this …
Daniel turns and runs.
DEAD MAN (cont’d)
I hate it when they run.
This …
He bolts after Daniel and they chase each other through the
city.
Do they chase each other, or is this a one-way puruit?
Page 5
The Dead Man passes a slip of paper over to Daniel. He
unwraps it and it has various names written on it.
Pronoun confusion.
Page 6
This bit feels a little too expositional and out of tune with other dialogue.
DEAD MAN
Yes. We get a new list every
morning. We make sure we’re there
at the point of death, and we send
them home.
The waitress bit is funny.
Page 10
This …
DEAD MAN
Two people going through the same
tunnel? Son of a *****.
I’d simplify …
DEAD MAN
So it can be done!
I think the audience will realize Daniel went through with his girlfriend. Leave it open whether Dead Man will do the same.
Alex
www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com
www.guerro.wordpress.com
.
BODIES are strung around
Maybe you mea ‘strewn’ . They aren’t christmas lights!!
This …
Finally a red shaft of
light appears.
DEAD MAN (cont’d)
Sorry about that one, buddy. Make
the best of it.
Very funny stuff.
More good stuff this …
Daniel turns and runs.
DEAD MAN (cont’d)
I hate it when they run.
This …
He bolts after Daniel and they chase each other through the
city.
Do they chase each other, or is this a one-way puruit?
Page 5
The Dead Man passes a slip of paper over to Daniel. He
unwraps it and it has various names written on it.
Pronoun confusion.
Page 6
This bit feels a little too expositional and out of tune with other dialogue.
DEAD MAN
Yes. We get a new list every
morning. We make sure we’re there
at the point of death, and we send
them home.
The waitress bit is funny.
Page 10
This …
DEAD MAN
Two people going through the same
tunnel? Son of a *****.
I’d simplify …
DEAD MAN
So it can be done!
I think the audience will realize Daniel went through with his girlfriend. Leave it open whether Dead Man will do the same.
Alex
www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com
www.guerro.wordpress.com
.
Krestofre,
I really dig this script. The concept is great, and the writing is pretty tight. There were a couple instances where you insert camera specific actions for your characters, and that interrupts the flow you establish. (Dead man walking into frame, etc)
The diner scene has some clunky dialogue. For example, Daniel's line: "So what's this? A list of everyone who is going to die today?" I'm not sure if you do this but I find it helps to read out dialogue after I've written it. You can catch those clunky phrases when you have trouble acting them out.
Again, Daniel repeats that clunky line: "This is a list of everyone whose going to die today, isn't it?" I would just cut this line out or change it, no new information is learned.
You can trim down the dead man's line: "We get a new list every morning.." It plays as too expositional. It doesn't match the humor and flavor we've seen earlier.
Just clean up the diner dialogue, if it drags too much cut it down and get out of that scene sooner.
Agreed about the shower slip, doesn't feel authentic, or rather it sticks out.
However, the shower scene is well written and I like it. I'm not sure what to replace it with but the scene was touching. I would take out those "hold for a beat" indicators and just explain what Daniel does in that moment. The "beat holds" take me out of the read.
Good work, it's a solid read.
I really dig this script. The concept is great, and the writing is pretty tight. There were a couple instances where you insert camera specific actions for your characters, and that interrupts the flow you establish. (Dead man walking into frame, etc)
The diner scene has some clunky dialogue. For example, Daniel's line: "So what's this? A list of everyone who is going to die today?" I'm not sure if you do this but I find it helps to read out dialogue after I've written it. You can catch those clunky phrases when you have trouble acting them out.
Again, Daniel repeats that clunky line: "This is a list of everyone whose going to die today, isn't it?" I would just cut this line out or change it, no new information is learned.
You can trim down the dead man's line: "We get a new list every morning.." It plays as too expositional. It doesn't match the humor and flavor we've seen earlier.
Just clean up the diner dialogue, if it drags too much cut it down and get out of that scene sooner.
Agreed about the shower slip, doesn't feel authentic, or rather it sticks out.
However, the shower scene is well written and I like it. I'm not sure what to replace it with but the scene was touching. I would take out those "hold for a beat" indicators and just explain what Daniel does in that moment. The "beat holds" take me out of the read.
Good work, it's a solid read.
krestofre
Knight of the Holy Order
Thanks Isaac.
I learned scriptwriting years ago, so it's been hard for me to let got of a lot of the technicals. I always want to put "CUT TO:"s and "HOLD for a BEAT" in there. But I'm trying. Letting your script flow is the order of the day.
And I agree about the diner scene. I always read the dialog out loud while I'm writing, and you're right, it helps an incredible amount. I think I probably just decided the diner scene was locked in an done before it really was.
All of the critiques and comments have been great and will definitely drive the rewrite of the script.
I'm glad you found the shower scene touching. I worked and worked on that and tried desperatley not to make it sexual, but rather romantic in a way.
I learned scriptwriting years ago, so it's been hard for me to let got of a lot of the technicals. I always want to put "CUT TO:"s and "HOLD for a BEAT" in there. But I'm trying. Letting your script flow is the order of the day.
And I agree about the diner scene. I always read the dialog out loud while I'm writing, and you're right, it helps an incredible amount. I think I probably just decided the diner scene was locked in an done before it really was.
All of the critiques and comments have been great and will definitely drive the rewrite of the script.
I'm glad you found the shower scene touching. I worked and worked on that and tried desperatley not to make it sexual, but rather romantic in a way.
I really enjoyed this read. Solid writing along with some good character development for the "Dead Man". A good idea as well. I also felt the shower scene to be touching when Daniel and the Man are talking about how she is going to die, it hits a spot. I loved the diner scene as well, that can be a funny moment. Maybe you can add The Dead Man cursing at the waitress if u want to go with more comedic. Good job.
jasonthewho
Veteran
Really good script. Very easy to read and some enjoyable dialogue. I only have a couple of comments that haven't already been said.
Why does the Dead Man say "Why the hell did you run?" when he knows why he ran? Since the Dead Man ran for the same reason, you think he would put two and two together.
Also, "Every single damn time I send one of you through." Shouldn't it be, "one of THEM through"? Or "Every single damn time I send someone through." After all, Daniel doesn't go through.
Great work!
Why does the Dead Man say "Why the hell did you run?" when he knows why he ran? Since the Dead Man ran for the same reason, you think he would put two and two together.
Also, "Every single damn time I send one of you through." Shouldn't it be, "one of THEM through"? Or "Every single damn time I send someone through." After all, Daniel doesn't go through.
Great work!
krestofre
Knight of the Holy Order
Maybe an unclear point, so thanks for pointing it out. The deciding factor between what makes a "Dead Man" is whether they know what to do at the time of death or not. For example someone who dies might know that they need to seek out a Dead Man, but they might also know that they ate babies for breakfast and their eternal reward isn't something they're looking forward to so they would try to run from it. Therefore the Dead Man's question is an appropriate one because he's not sure which category Daniel falls into. People could also run because they just don't want to accept that they're dead. One thing I try to do in every script I write is have very specific rules for the universe I'm playing in. I've probably got every "afterlife" rule that governs the universe of the Dead Men mapped out. Not all of those rules come out in the script, and, in my opinon, they don't have to.
I actually did wrestle with that line, and stuck with "you" because it made the dialog more personal between the Dead Man and Daniel.
Thanks for the feedback!
Christopher, you’ve had some great feedback already. Here’s what came into my mind after I read your script and before I read any of the feedback:
A simple story with an emotional core, well done. It was easy to read, easy to see.
You set up the “single file” rule nicely; and it was pretty funny to see dead people have to get into a line.
I liked the idea that if you don’t believe in heaven or hell, it’s good to be a runner; also resonates at the end when Daniel makes a choice.
I liked the fact that Daniel was less concerned about his own death than his girlfriend’s (and/or the opportunity to be with her eternally).
It could also be interesting if Daniel stays a runner, and knows he’s going to, but unselfishly helps his girlfriend find the light so that she gets to where she needs to go, peacefully. That would be an unconditional act of love. Not necessarily your story, but another possible direction.
A couple of things you might consider to make the read of your script a little more intriguing…
There are times when I think you spell things out for the reader, when you don’t need to, we’ll get it.
I’d change “death rattle” just to “rattle”; I don’t know what a “death rattle” is, it stops me for a moment; I’ll get the mystery of the rattle the second time I hear it.
Similarly, I’d rename the character of the Dead Man. It telegraphs who he is; I’ll get it when he talks with Shanna.
Also, I think your title telegraphs too much. I’d try for something evocative, but less on the nose.
The last related note, is that there are a couple of times when I feel the Dead Man adds explanation to his dialogue lines when he doesn’t need to. Examples:
We’d better get going. The
next one on the list will be dying
soon.
I think you’re fine with just
We’d better get going.
Also
Two people going through the same
tunnel? Son of a *****.
I’m fine with just
Son of a *****.
We’ve seen the “two people going through” thought as he hesitates opening the bathroom door. I don’t think you need to re-communicate this.
These are niggly little points. All in all I think you’ve written an economic, powerful little story.
I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but one of my favorite movies is “Truly, Madly, Deeply”. It’s a really beautiful movie, and your script made me think of it.
Best,
- Jeff (“Charlie and Claire”)
P.S. Now that I’ve read through the feedback, I’m taken by your assertion that this is Dead Man’s story. Yes, he has a choice to make, and we see him make it when he walks away from the bathroom door. If it’s all about this choice, I could even bear him walking away from the door before we see what color light emanates from below it. That doesn’t matter, what matters is that he let Daniel go to possibly break the rules.
Of course I’m still intrigued by Daniel’s story and the strong choice that he makes at the end. I’m not sure that you have to sacrifice one for the other. Maybe Dead Man turns away from the door, and we’re sure that he hasn’t seen whatever color light emanates from it. We the audience still don’t know whether Daniel has gone any where in that light, but it doesn’t matter because what matters is that Dead Man let Daniel make a choice to go or not. I’m fine with you leaving Daniel’s story open ended, if you want to focus on Dead Man’s decision.
A simple story with an emotional core, well done. It was easy to read, easy to see.
You set up the “single file” rule nicely; and it was pretty funny to see dead people have to get into a line.
I liked the idea that if you don’t believe in heaven or hell, it’s good to be a runner; also resonates at the end when Daniel makes a choice.
I liked the fact that Daniel was less concerned about his own death than his girlfriend’s (and/or the opportunity to be with her eternally).
It could also be interesting if Daniel stays a runner, and knows he’s going to, but unselfishly helps his girlfriend find the light so that she gets to where she needs to go, peacefully. That would be an unconditional act of love. Not necessarily your story, but another possible direction.
A couple of things you might consider to make the read of your script a little more intriguing…
There are times when I think you spell things out for the reader, when you don’t need to, we’ll get it.
I’d change “death rattle” just to “rattle”; I don’t know what a “death rattle” is, it stops me for a moment; I’ll get the mystery of the rattle the second time I hear it.
Similarly, I’d rename the character of the Dead Man. It telegraphs who he is; I’ll get it when he talks with Shanna.
Also, I think your title telegraphs too much. I’d try for something evocative, but less on the nose.
The last related note, is that there are a couple of times when I feel the Dead Man adds explanation to his dialogue lines when he doesn’t need to. Examples:
We’d better get going. The
next one on the list will be dying
soon.
I think you’re fine with just
We’d better get going.
Also
Two people going through the same
tunnel? Son of a *****.
I’m fine with just
Son of a *****.
We’ve seen the “two people going through” thought as he hesitates opening the bathroom door. I don’t think you need to re-communicate this.
These are niggly little points. All in all I think you’ve written an economic, powerful little story.
I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but one of my favorite movies is “Truly, Madly, Deeply”. It’s a really beautiful movie, and your script made me think of it.
Best,
- Jeff (“Charlie and Claire”)
P.S. Now that I’ve read through the feedback, I’m taken by your assertion that this is Dead Man’s story. Yes, he has a choice to make, and we see him make it when he walks away from the bathroom door. If it’s all about this choice, I could even bear him walking away from the door before we see what color light emanates from below it. That doesn’t matter, what matters is that he let Daniel go to possibly break the rules.
Of course I’m still intrigued by Daniel’s story and the strong choice that he makes at the end. I’m not sure that you have to sacrifice one for the other. Maybe Dead Man turns away from the door, and we’re sure that he hasn’t seen whatever color light emanates from it. We the audience still don’t know whether Daniel has gone any where in that light, but it doesn’t matter because what matters is that Dead Man let Daniel make a choice to go or not. I’m fine with you leaving Daniel’s story open ended, if you want to focus on Dead Man’s decision.
krestofre
Knight of the Holy Order
Thanks for the feedback, Jeff.
My intention all along was that it's the Dead Man's story, but you're not the first one to be swept up in Daniel's side of things, so elaborating on both sides is something I'm strongly considering for a rewrite.
I have seen Truly, Madly, Deeply. I always appreciated Minghella's work and for my script to even cause you to think of one of his films is quite a compliment. Thank you.
My intention all along was that it's the Dead Man's story, but you're not the first one to be swept up in Daniel's side of things, so elaborating on both sides is something I'm strongly considering for a rewrite.
I have seen Truly, Madly, Deeply. I always appreciated Minghella's work and for my script to even cause you to think of one of his films is quite a compliment. Thank you.
Hi Chris. Wanted to read yours first and comment as you did for me.
First off, I liked the story. I liked the dead man character a lot. Very clear character composition.
Im not sure what a death rattle is, so I was thinking something like a rattle snake sound - just came to me. So if its not maybe need to clarify.
These people have this inate thought when they die. Look for the dead man and go through. In the crowd everyone does. But before that Shannas line of dialogue didnt add anything for me, I felt a little wow how nonchalant if she really does care. As I said though just my feeling.
And then we come to Daniel. My thought also was he can try cover up his gf is going to die? Id be devastated especially in whilst coming to terms with my own death. Daniels side story I thought was a good one, but his character seems less obvious.
And last to be picky - I noticed nonchalant misspelled as nonchallant.
Mate I really enjoyed it. Literally I was hungry to se what happens on the next page before I got to it. Great job!
First off, I liked the story. I liked the dead man character a lot. Very clear character composition.
Im not sure what a death rattle is, so I was thinking something like a rattle snake sound - just came to me. So if its not maybe need to clarify.
These people have this inate thought when they die. Look for the dead man and go through. In the crowd everyone does. But before that Shannas line of dialogue didnt add anything for me, I felt a little wow how nonchalant if she really does care. As I said though just my feeling.
And then we come to Daniel. My thought also was he can try cover up his gf is going to die? Id be devastated especially in whilst coming to terms with my own death. Daniels side story I thought was a good one, but his character seems less obvious.
And last to be picky - I noticed nonchalant misspelled as nonchallant.
Mate I really enjoyed it. Literally I was hungry to se what happens on the next page before I got to it. Great job!
krestofre
Knight of the Holy Order
Death Rattle: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_rattle Kind of spooky. It was the key that drove this script in the sense that the first scene in my head was literally the first scene of the script. That sound with the accompanying voice over. And then I had to figure out what that meant and why someone would be so in tune with it.
Thanks for the comments. I think it's interesting that you're the first person to comment on Daniel's emtional response to the death of his girlfriend. It is somewhat of a strange reaction for him to have. My thought process is that Daniel is a guy that's very much in control of his life, and he doesn't let people in on what he's thinking until it suits him. I did not overtly make that clear in the script, but by his actions I think that I established his behavior enough that he acts plausibly throughout ... or at least throughout enough that it took four pages of replies before someone said, "Hey, wait a minute!"
I appreciate your kind words and am glad that you enjoyed the script.
Thanks for the comments. I think it's interesting that you're the first person to comment on Daniel's emtional response to the death of his girlfriend. It is somewhat of a strange reaction for him to have. My thought process is that Daniel is a guy that's very much in control of his life, and he doesn't let people in on what he's thinking until it suits him. I did not overtly make that clear in the script, but by his actions I think that I established his behavior enough that he acts plausibly throughout ... or at least throughout enough that it took four pages of replies before someone said, "Hey, wait a minute!"
I appreciate your kind words and am glad that you enjoyed the script.