Dead Men

krestofre

krestofre

Knight of the Holy Order
Throwing my hat into this ring.

Dead Men

When a recently deceased man runs instead of going into the afterlife, a preternatural being pursues him and discovers what he's really chasing.
 
Thanks. This post has been delayed several weeks as I've tweaked that one blasted sentence! Still, good practice I guess. :)
 
krestofre, this was an interesting take on the grim reaper story. I like how you seamlessly set up the "rules" of the universe through the staging and description. Your addition of humor to the gim proceedings was a good choice and brought some texture to the Dead Man. "Looks like you've been a good girl" and "Sorry about that one, buddy." were my favorites. It shows that he does this day in and day out, and often has to humor himself in order to stay "sane".

Introducing Daniel into the story definitely helped with the exposition, as he was essentially a stand-in for "the audience". My only problem with this section was the fact that Daniel seemed to accept that he was dead, but kept trying to talk to the waitress. It seemed like you wanted to use the "Stop ignoring me" gag, but couldn't really justify it in the context of the story.

Another minor complaint is the fact that Daniel's girlfriend died the same day he did. This is fine, but the fact that she died from a totally unrelated slip in the shower didn't really work for me. Firstly, not many young people die from slips in the shower. Usually only elderly people do. Secondly, it may have worked better from a storytelling perspective to have the deaths be more tightly coupled. I think it would have worked better if her death was a suicide in response to his death. That way, you'd have a red light (instead of a blue one) when the fingers snapped and Daniel's decision to follow her into the tunnel would have resonated more. As it stands, the ending doesn't seem to work for me.

Very creative ideas with a lot of good execution. Just a few sticking points here and there. Looking forward to seeing more from you. Good job.
 
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mentatDUKE said:
My only problem with this section was the fact that Daniel seemed to accept that he was dead, but kept trying to talk to the waitress. It seemed like you wanted to use the "Stop ignoring me" gag, but couldn't really justify it in the context of the story.
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Interesting comment. It was actually the "Where's my wallet?" "With your body." dialog that I struggled to get into the script, but your point is well taken. I was so enamoured with the "With your body." line that I probably didn't vet that portion of the script as well as I should have and came up with some contrivances to get it in there. I'm not entirely sure that it doesn't work, but you make a valid point and one that I'm going to spend some more time pondering.

Daniel's decision to follow her into the tunnel would have resonated more. As it stands, the ending doesn't seem to work for me.
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I see where you're coming from. My thought process was that this is the Dead Man's story, not Daniel's. Daniel doesn't really change during the course of the story, as you pointed out, being dead doesn't even really phase him from a personality or character stand point. Instead it's the Dead Man that actually grows and at the end of the script sees hope for the first time in a long time. That is what was really important to me, so the fact that what happens between Daniel and his girlfriend at the moment of death is really inconsequential and why it happens off screen. You get it from the setup of the story, but we stay on the Dead Man leading up to, during, and after the climax to maximize the effect on him as a character.

So that's my justification for how things play out. As far as the cause of death, well, the suicide thing is a little over done in my opinion, and coincidences don't bother me as a writer or viewer. I've seen coincidences in my own life that I wouldn't believe in a million years if they were in a movie, so I guess I've built up a stronger suspension of disbelief. :)

Thanks so much for taking the time to read the script and post your comments. I can't express how valuable the feedback is.
 
Good stuff. Nice take on an OLD idea. And good characters. So far, I am impressed with a lot of these, and wonder why so many DVXUser fest films have such bad writing if we have so many decent writers here...anyway.

I think if had any suggestions, I would illustrate the two in one light idea in action, instead of having him describe it. I know it works fine describing it, but I thought it would be nice to take the new guy through one job first and then have the subject come up.

Also, as far as the girlfriend goes, I hear what you're saying about coincidence and I am right there with you. The problem is, it feels like the characters are doing what the writer wants them to do instead of what they want to do.

And a simple way around it is, why is this his first? Why not have him settle into the job for a while and then she dies like 10 years later? Have it like No Exit where time on Earth goes by faster than time for these guys. Give some opportunities for nice visuals too. Seems to me that would get what you want and silence any critiques on that subject. What do you think?
 
First of all, thanks for calling me a decent writer. That means a lot to me.

Secondly, your suggestions are strong ones. I really like the idea of letting time pass between Daniel's death and his girlfriend's death. That strengthens the impact of the scene simply because she's had to live without him, then there's longing from both ends. And you're right, that it solves all of the problems in one simple swoop. I wish I'd thought of it. :)

Point well taken on the diner scene as well. Show them don't tell them. I have to repeat that to myself constantly while writing a script. I don't know about you, but the first draft of my scripts are nothing but long soliloquies that I mercilessly tear to shreds on the first rewrite. Practically all of that exposition could be rewritten as action which would make for a stronger script.

Thanks for the suggestions and time, Mark.
 
I really liked the concept and the overall story though I think Daniel's portion kind of hurt the overall script. Mark Harris' idea is a great one. It allows the story to grow and gives it more depth. I think you have something that you can flesh out here a bit further.

Format and writing wise I thought it was ok though in some portions the tone seemed off. The story and dialog had a lighter tone but for some reason I was expecting something darker. I think the first few sentences with the heartbeat and death clock set a dark mode but the dialog countered that. It made it awkwards at times.
 
I like the new take on the grim reaper scenario. I really liked the character (Dead Man) you created.
When I read it, the coincidence of her dying didn't bother me, but the way she did. I just didn't really buy it, anything is possible, but for anyone(especially someone young) to actually slip in a tub and break their neck. I think it takes quite a bit to break a neck. Maybe if she died some other way.
But really, I feel like I'm nitpicking, because it really wasn't that big a deal for me and I don't have any real criticism. I thought it was solid throughout.

I agree with the idea stated above about letting some time pass, that would certainly add depth to it.

Overall I thought this was an excellent and well executed script.
 
I agree with Mark's suggestion of showing Daniel and his girlfriend going through together. That way, all you need is the Dead Man to say "Son of a *****" as his last line before walking away.

And I don't really have a problem with Daniel trying to get the waitress' attention, he hasn't been dead long at this point, so it would take some getting used to.

"With your body" is a great line. :)

The overall tone of the piece reminded me a little of the old Showtime show "Dead Like Me." Which is a good thing, cause I liked that show. :D It's definitely different enough in the specifics that it doesn't come across like you're trying to rip that off or anything.

All in all, a good script that I enjoyed reading.
 
I think so far this is my favorite, so far. I like your organized, simple style and clean style of writing.

I had to laugh when the Dead Man actually whistled to round them up. Very funny.

One type, page 2, through not thought the crowd.

I like the light and the different colors you used as a way to get them to go to heaven or hell. Very clever.

I really really liked the opening scene with Shanna. You did that well.

Good job and good luck.
 
Thanks for the continued feedback.

Captain: I had never heard of Dead Like Me until you mentioned it. I'm glad to hear that I'm not ripping it off, and now I'll have to check it out. :)

Detached: Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad you liked the script.
 
I really enjoyed this. You write excellent dialogue!

Some of my gripes have already been covered. The timing and the way his GF died. Not only that but in a way that would be considered a freak accident right after he becomes a "Dead Man".

I'm also not sure that I've ever heard of a Paramedic pronouncing someone dead on the scene. Usually they will work on them (CPR) in the ambulance and they will get announced at the hospital. It's different when they arrive and they get covered up and no work is done. This is not the case here though.

Still, I loved the idea. Very interesting story.

Mike
 
Christopher:

I really liked this script, and it's clear to me that you can write.

One description that hit me as particularly strong was the phrase "t-boned."

Lots of subtle humor, like the pain in the Dead Man's side, and "Sorry about that one, buddy."

I thought the diner scene was well-done and interesting because the Dead Man doesn't bother to try to explain to Daniel that the waitress can't see/hear him, he just kind of ignores it and continues on with his conversation as if he's seen this kind of thing a million times before and that it will eventually dawn on Daniel that he's invisible.

The ending is where I run into a problem. I'm not really buying the "two people in one light" premise. If it was explained a little more thoroughly what the problem with that is, besides "it's not allowed, then maybe. But I think I have an ending that would work even better, if I might be allowed to indulge myself here. How about Daniel goes to collect her, but when the light appears, it's red. In order to go with her, he must accept the eternity of pain and suffering of hell that's she's in for, but he does so because his love for her is so strong.

Thanks for sharing this entry, it's one of my favorites of the fest so far.
 
Michael Anthony Horrigan said:
I'm also not sure that I've ever heard of a Paramedic pronouncing someone dead on the scene. Usually they will work on them (CPR) in the ambulance and they will get announced at the hospital. It's different when they arrive and they get covered up and no work is done. This is not the case here though.
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Good tip. Thanks.

johnlabonney said:
How about Daniel goes to collect her, but when the light appears, it's red. In order to go with her, he must accept the eternity of pain and suffering of hell that's she's in for, but he does so because his love for her is so strong.
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Thanks for the feedback John. I haven't figured this one out yet, but my resistance to this kind of ending is that it takes too much of the spotlight off of the Dead Man. As I said earlier this is very much his story, not Daniel's, so doing something like this seems to put more of the structure of the script on Daniel's shoulders. It's the Dead Man's attitude that has to change for the script to work for me. Don't think I'm just disregarding your suggestion though, I'm chewing on all of this feedback to figure out how to make the next rewrite extra strong. Thanks again.
 
krestofre said:
...but my resistance to this kind of ending is that it takes too much of the spotlight off of the Dead Man. As I said earlier this is very much his story, not Daniel's, so doing something like this seems to put more of the structure of the script on Daniel's shoulders. It's the Dead Man's attitude that has to change for the script to work for me.
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You're right, this ending does make the story more about Daniel. After this comment I went back and reread the ending, and perhaps I'm just thick, but I don't see how Dead Man changes or grows. Two people go through the same tunnel, so does that mean there's a potential escape for Dead Man, a way out of this purgatory? It doesn't come off that strong to me.
 
Yeah, you got it. The Dead Man has these rules that he's followed for who knows how long, and when they're challenged he refused to carry on with the conversation. But there's enough curiosity still inside the Dead Man that he lets Daniel send his girlfriend off alone, knowing full well what Daniel is probably thinking. And then when the world doesn't end, or Daniel doesn't get thrown back to earth, or what have you then maybe there's a chance that the Dead Man has hope. The truth is that he doesn't know if it worked out for Daniel, and neither do we, but for the first time in his existence, the Dead Man is thinking about what is possible.

If that's not very strong, then maybe that's something I need to work on too. And in that case, by still running my mouth off in this post I may be making the script look weaker. :)
 
We know from his conversation that two going through together is not allowed, something bad will happen. It's at that moment that I'm expecting to find out what that bad thing is later in the story and how one of them overcomes the obstacle. Obviously Dead Man knows (or thinks he knows) what horrible thing will happen. So when nothing happens, it's kind of anti-climactic.

As far as I'm concerned you're not running your mouth off. We wrote these scripts and put them up here so we could talk about them, didn't we? So let's talk about 'em.
 
I see what you're saying and how you got there. My thought while writing it was that the Dead Man says two people can't go through at the same time merely because it's a rule. Kind of like a little kid following a rule only because it's a rule and not understanding the consequences. Simply following to follow. But from his reaction I can see why it would seem that he's opposed to two people going through at the same time because of something that he's aware of that he's not sharing vs. something that he simply hadn't thought about.

More stuff to think about now. :)
 
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