Daddy the Explorer

jasonthewho

jasonthewho

Veteran
Daddy the Explorer

by Jason Johnson-Spinos


Logline: When a little girl wonders about her absent father, her mother makes up a tall-tale of the man she lost.

DaddyTheExplorerPoster-1.jpg
 
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Back to the strange land of Texas. Well welcome to the party. It looks like we may have a good turn out this time.
 
It's a drama, obviously, since that's the required genre... but it has a little comedy interspersed, which I think every drama can benefit from. Maybe not LOL worthy, but some moments of levity.
 
I know it's 'drama'. I was wondering, not even really asking, if it was more on the lighthearted side or dark side of 'drama'. The poster and log gave me the feel it might be a dramedy. Which would be cool. So rare people attempt the funny around here. I know I'm not going there! I'm admittedly a comedy chicken. Wait that didn't come off right... ;p

Good luck to ya!
 
To be honest, I rarely think about genre when I write. I'm not even sure I know how to write to genre. On second thought, I'm not even sure I know how to write. And yet I try. I guess that's what we all do...
 
Really?... I do. I write specific genres and budgets all the time. Sometimes they do crossover into multiple areas though, which is what you want. Mass appeal is always nice.
Currently have a horror, a thriller and a kids project on my plate. You don't want to mix those. Especially the horror and the kids! ;p

I don't even know how to speak let alone write. With you 100 on that one. I'll let you guys be the judge.
 
****Don't read reviews until you've read the script.

Notes:
- Do we get an age for Rich?
- You don't need the CONTINUEDS anymore.
- Give us a fade out.

This was a nice story. Glad to see you're using your New York experience for some good. If you were able to act out the imaginary dad alongside the read dad it would be a great, but sad, kids story. Good Job.
 
**SPOILERS

1 - Might break up that action block.
1 - How old is Rich?
1- Consistency. You've got no ages, written number ages and numeric ages. Go with one method to help make it easy for us to process your info. I like the numeral method you've got going on.
2 - AJ is a girl. Let us know if she is or isn't visually. Totally cool to trick us.
6 - That's a big action block. Maybe break it up.

Smooth to read. I love the crossover visuals metaphors. Really special story. The end really brought it all together. Could work as an animated short also or live action and anime, etc.
 
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Thanks guys for the good technical feedback. Always appreciated. And I'm glad you both enjoyed it. I just downloaded your scripts and will probably get to them and your feedback tomorrow.
 
Age and gender, please.

Nice script with terrific visuals. Liked the mother's story versus reality. Great job.
 
I think it's very original to write the story this way. Somewhat funny to read about his "adventures" and see what he's doing - I mean funny in a super cool way:)
And he doesn't knock - as much as I'd want him too, I must agree that it's a better ending than a happy ending would be... Very touching.

Poor kid.

I think that could be expanded - we know little about the father. --just a suggestion, in case if you ever need to write longer drama piece:)
 
***SPOILERS***
OK Jason, here we go.
NICE opening, that's a great visual. Maybe tighten up the description of what is happening with his eyelids just a little.
I like how this is playing out with the mother's description of the adventures and the worn out Rich. I especially liked the mermaid part.
Are there ice bars in NYC? Well I guess they have everything in NYC. When I hear ice bar I think of those hotels with a bar they carve out of actual ice in Canada and Sweden every winter. Maybe that's something different.
Action blocks over 4 lines are poo-poo'd (I'm not entirely sure who does this poo-poo'ing but they seem important :cheesy:) so you might want to tighten or break up a few of those.

Oh man, the ending, you nailed it. The adventurous man who never sleeps and never stops can't bring himself to press that button. Very touching and sad. This was a really original and unique work. Well done.
 
I give script criticism by the line as I read.

Jason,
Pg 2 **Love the switch from AJ to Amanda Jean when the mom is mad - very realistic dialogue so far.
Since when does AJ call you daddy? **I'm confused - why would a kid call their grandpa Dad? Abrupt ending to the call. Why did he call?
Pg 3 **Since daddy is a name shouldn't it be capitalized?
In a submarine - **Cool!
Pg 4 **great visuals with woman.
Pg 6 reaches for the buzzer? **At his own home or are they divorced?
The light goes out. **I loved the story up to here, but this was too abrupt an ending to me. The identification of the conflict was left unaddressed. Was this a normal nightly thing and his wife is angry? Anything would have worked. After the mom rises from the bed she could have muttered "Asshole." That would be one scenario. Were they divorced? The husband could have a reaction to the light going out realizing he went home rather than to his apartment. BTW - the explanation to calling her grandpa Daddy was not explained.
Loved, loved this short. Well done.
 
This was well written and very descriptive. I'd like to get a sense of how long Rich has been missing from AJ's life. So probably at least 4 years? If so, why does he feel the urge to come back and what is his motives for leaving? Also, it took a bit too long to get where you needed to be, I think if you got to the bedtime story faster you'd have more time to fill in the other questions or maybe those could be answered in those early scenes...my opinion.

The parallels between the VO and the scene are great, I like that a lot. Great job.
 
This is a great story; I'd like to see this short film!

I would say you could even make it shorter if you wanted; for instance it could start with the girl in bed and the mother about to read her a story, but the girl stops her and asks her to tell her about her dad.

Perfect story, and a very visual script.
 
Thanks everyone who commented for all the comments and suggestions. I'll definitely take everyone's thoughts into account when revising.
 
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