Covenant

Ha ha! Hollywood poodle-carrying wo(man) meets an old East/Western.. Did they really have muskets back then?

I liked your bad guy character. He was a fun b@stard, and you definitely went all the way with the violence. Eeewhh. Some of the imagry made me want to hurl, (and that was a good thing btw).

A very satisfying ending.

I think you could still trim a little fat off this script. I feel like it's dangerous territory to explain how characters are feeling, versus showing it somehow, and in most cases here, it was pretty obvious anyway. Also, I think those choices are better left to the director and actors... sometimes.

You have a unique style that could be misinterpreted unless the reader is familiar with you and all the of the "uniqueness" you embody.

It was an engaging read, and had good focus even though there were many characters. Awards to you for grossing me out to the core, while delivering a great payoff.
 
Did they really have muskets back then?
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Hehe ya daftie - the answer is a resounding yes! Boom Puff! Thanks for the unique comment its definately an attribute of mine (that im helpless to suppress haha)! I wasn't aware i'd spent too much text describing how characters felt though? At least in the introspective non visual form?! Though its true root and tested advice for us all to recall when scriptwriting. As a producer im in a slightly unique position of usually writing for our own productions (though i dont want to do that all the time) and it would be great to have someone produce one of my short scripts hehe!

NJPage (Thaank you) very much hehe your cheque is in the post!!! Im really glad you enjoyed it guys! It wouldn't be a spaghetti or Haggis western without some perversion!
 
I quite enjoyed this! Getting to know your 'style' from previous posts and reviews helped me to appreciate this script even more. I love this time period, location and everything that comes with it.

You have a talent for in-depth description. I could really see the Preacher…and Melville, well, let me just say he’s easy to hate (and I was glad to see you gave him exactly what he deserved). All in all, a fine short.

That said…and I’m no writer, I felt the ending was totally predictable. I would have liked to been lead down the path, shown the water, but when I went to drink…an alligator lurches out and bites my head off.

Now please excuse me… I suddenly have an intense craving for a tongue sandwich & a steaming bowl of ‘Manly Water’ (Goat’s head soup)…with a side of haggis. FREEDOM!!!
 
Substitute Townsfolk being hounded by ranchers; with Covenants and Royalists.

You've done a clever bit of originality to the genre. Great job there.

Love gore, when it is totally motivated. People in War are sick SOB's and those semi Medievel dudes were like kooky for Torture time.

I'm not familiar with your script-writing but something tells me that you've deliberately chosen to throw caution to the windmills as it were, and stick to a style of narration many would Tsk! Tsk! over.

Heck, you might be producing it for all I care. Does it affect pacing and flow as a reader?

Well, honestly, some bits do. Especially the opening which I totally picture as scrolling text or better yet the wee Lassie doin' the openin' V.O. That'd be awesome.

The pacing and scene transitions seem rather quick. No surprise there. But your characters kept me at it. Which is always a good thing.

Great characters. Excellent motivation and epic story. Expand this! This right now is again at least 30 pages, if not more.

All the best. Appreciate the comments for "Patch-up Kid"!!!
 
Lawrie, theres some minor stuff in there not worth mentioning. A line of dialogue here an over description there.

Heres how I felt about it in summation. I would love to watch this on the big screen.
 
I would love to watch this on the big screen.
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Thats the kindest compliment I could recieve - thank you very much for saying that Noel :) It just depends, if there was marketability in a violent genre historical western style film set in Scotland - that i could produce and put out on the hpx500 - and folk were up for it then i would definately consider developing it further because its a fascinating subject to write about. Its also so surreal to take that and transplant it into a european film perspective of american history (ie italian directors vision of the wild west lol)

It was a pleasure Rustom to comment on your script it was really enjoyable! Its a funny time period this as its in between medieval and 'the patriot' its an era of pikeman and muskets. (Think Oliver Cromwell, English civil war) thats the era. Puritans etc.)

Yep if i expand this then who is really the most interesting character - well its Melville I guess, but he's obviously not the lead - that would be the preacher. But i guess he's a villain we'd want some decent screen time with as he went about being camp and evil (in own principled version of er holy war!)
 
Hi again Lawrie! I submitted my feedback on your script earlier. Good to see you are recieving such rave reviews. Yup - or should I say - Aye - Covenant is in my 'fistful of favourites'...
 


Yep you can check out the thumbnail hehe - this is what i was wearing while giving feedback to everyone elses scripts! YeeeHAH!
 
LMAO when I clicked on your pic, this is how it showed on image shack.

You on the left as well ? :P

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lol exactly! I call it the indy filmmaker diet! (Others call it starvation!)

Muahhaahah screw it ill put up a direct link - thought i was being reaaal smart using a forum pic button thing but NOooooo

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But i got a feeeeeeling its too big - and my ass is about to get 'mod'ified - have mercy Isaaac! Meeercy! That's me playing bandit#2 (in everyone's script!)
 
Lawrie, what a superb treat, I loved your Haggis-Western.

Melville is despicable, just so twisted and sadistic... and a lover of cute dogs. The fact that you made him so evil but then he has that small touch of humanity, that one thing he really, actually cares for added some great depth to his character. It also makes him quite memorable.

It's all quite dark. The violence and brutality is top-notch.
It would shock a normal child, but in this age nothing can.
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that line really holds a lot of weight towards the violent acts happening to these people, gives it a farther reach.

You were not kidding about the grand scenes in your script either, that finale was something else!

You certainly have a knack for descriptive language, each scene is so visceral and richly detailed I saw everything laid out before me. Really marvelous work. Alba Go Bragh :beer:
 
Hey bro cheers man glad you liked it - I love a good villain hehe but you always have to give them an angle - an edge - and a bit of charisma. Being a bit theatrical mines always end up having some peculiar 'camp' to them!
 
notes as i read the script:

hey, this aint no western! where's the cowboys and indians! no whiskey either! haha sorry, just kidding. i'll keep reading now...

very good writing so far. ambitious start from what i can tell. the first description block reads like it might work as a slate before the story (film) actually begins...

well this just got violent, huh? now i'm really hooked.

really violent...

...really, really violent with the hacking of the ears.

still good writing here. i'm on page six and it's flowing nicely.

MELVILLE whispering to the poodle (as the town burns) is just sick.

80-ft tall wooden cross. wow. like a Trojan Horse perhaps?

MELVILLE brought a band with him? this guy is nuts.

ha! i knew it. ooh, and the girl got him in the end.

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great script, Lawrie. i wish the girl would've rescued the poodle! but seriously, i think your writing is very well developed and your storytelling is much more intriguing (to ma at least) than last fest. well done.
 
Sorry Lawrie, a fun well written romp but I just couldn't feel the westerness in it.

Maybe a hypocritical comment coming from somebody basing theirs in modern day Australia.
 
Funny you should mention Australia!!

It's a bit more of a push than say an Australian western but it fits nonetheless. This story is western by content rather than its setting. And your characters are also universal in nature. It could just as easily have worked in the American West...with minor changes, so I love the fact that you took a genre and gave it a new twist.
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That was feedback from papa bear Blaine hehe and is kinda where I stand myself. You see there is no 'haggis western' made - so in terms of style you can't read this script and think of another movie. But by content its all there...

But was that the be-all and end all of your feedback!!! lol - a 'fun romp' - which bit - the mutilation of a priest? the religious inspired genocide? the execution of a child - what the heck do you do for fun on weekends? hehe ;)

Slightly blithe feedback leepback... ;) but thanks for reading!
 
Nah...I don't really buy you as Bandit #2. Bandit #3 perhaps, but never Bandit #2.

Ah...you sick fiend. I just had to give this another read and I believe I enjoyed it even more the second time.

On this read I was especially struck by the scene when the Preacher sings (sans tongue ofc) and Melville strikes the band to play along. This is really a great visual.

I also came to the conclusion, that Melville needs to suffer a bit more. On the first read I liked it ending with the girl bashing him with a rock. However on the second read, I was really more aware of the numerous atrocities that Melville brings upon these people.

So now I think his demise could be a bit more brutal. Maybe the townspeople , led by the Blacksmith, could tear him apart with their barehands. They could surround him while he's grieving over his dead Poodle. I could see Melville surrounded by villagers spouting rhetoric right to the end.

Or maybe they could really mangle him up and then the little girl could bash him in the head. I'm not really sure, but just after a second read it seems Melville should suffer a bit more. Besides it'd fit right in with the rest of the brutality.:Drogar-Evil(DBG):

That said, this is one of my favorites, nice to see someone write characters more screwed up then my own. hehe
 
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lawriejaffa said:
Slightly blithe feedback leepback... ;) but thanks for reading!
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I was a bit rushed at the time but am not really a man of many words anyway unless I feel I know what I'm talking about and wont come off as some jackass.

Quite frankly I didn't even know the meaning of "blithe" so had to look it up.
If words were weapons I'd only be armed with a deringer.
I don't consider myself a writer or even well read!

For this reason I don't often feel that I have the right to critique scripts to the level that some others can. More often I'll just reply regarding some plot point which as an audience member I feel qualified to mention. As for formating I have no idea other than what I have seen in this bunch of scripts.

I's been some time and many scripts since I last looked at yours and to tell the truth I can still remember most of it reasonably vividly. Now the fact that it stands out could be because it's really good or alternately it's so bad it's memorable. Obviously it's not laughably bad. I think the thing that stands out for me are the characters and the way you have painted them. Not sure about the ending with the big cross and this has been bought up by others already.

As some background have a look at my WESTFEST script via my sig and you will notice that my writing is tradesman like rather than that of a true writer. I didn't make the deadline because I only became aware of this comp afterwards but after reading some felt I had to join in the fun in some small but insignificant way. It's the first script I have ever written down. I think that my "terse writing style"(Blaine) might be to some advantage as a lot of the scripts I've looked at forget they are scripts rather than books and tend to get a bit flowery with images that aren't actually going to play out on screen. (this isn't aimed at yours btw.)

Now - back to that westerness.

I'm sorry, it probably ticks all the boxes and I wasn't talking dsq or anything, I just didn't feel it and think, perhaps unfairly, you will be marked down by some for this reason. You cant argue with me on this level as it's a feeling. It's like (about ten years ago) when we were having a referendum on becoming a republic which I was passionately for. My colleague was against it and we were having a rational debate going over the political and legal ramifications etc. He eventually felling a little embarrased said he liked the Queen and that was why he wanted the status quo to remain. Argument over, how could I argue about what he liked regardless of my feelings?

Anyway hope I've cast off my "blitheness" a little and I'm sure you will do well in the rankings. I'm still getting through some more scripts at present. The good thing is that due to this website and this fest I have been inspired to write down some of my ideas into this style of formating. It's great as it forces you to actually structure your story rather than have some basic plotline sitting out there unresolved.

Cheers
 
Its okay to express your feelings mon amie, its just that you might expect some challenge if your comments are short abstract criticisms.

I'm sorry but your feedback is just going to have to improve Leepback :P (you know im yanking your chain eh? hehe its all good)
 
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