Covenant

hey lawriejaffa, good to see you back. i'm excited to read your script. sounds interesting :)

jamie
 
Hey guys thanks! Yep - well i definately ended up going down a slightly darker road with this one than i attempted - almost surreal (psuedo apocalypse now with muskets thing) going on here so look forward to seeing how it plays!

I'm also really excited about reading all your guys scripts too, ive always enjoyed westerns in particular the nihilistic/grim spaghetti western takes (not precluding some great modern american westerns too) ala Unforgiven etc.

So Mr.Killoran, Jamie and Rod cheers mon amie - just wondering now when these badboys become available to read ;)
 
"Aye ya yankee gits 'ere's me hopin' that yer ready fer a brawl wae loadsa bloods n' guts an evil poodles in this auld n' bloody tale o' auld kirk warfare"

Thankfully er my actual script dialogue isn't in Scots you'll be glad to know!
 
So, as promised, I read yours first. I was pleased overall with the flow of the story, and the very pronounced and crafted dialpgue of the piece. I felt you find the perfect blend of action to dialogue, which is a rare find, but a joyous treat.

Without giving anything away, my only qualm is with the premise of the story. I'm not sure if it's my Americanized brain talking, but I just didn't see the Western in this. To a degree, it had some Western styling, but overall it felt more like a what it was, a Scottish period piece.

The "punishment" of the priest was very harsh, but very real. I dug that. No hiding the brutality of war. No need to. I never saw this punishment coming, so it really catches the reader to see a torture method so original (save Hector's fate in Troy).

While I will admit openly that I DID NOT SEE MEL GIBSON in any of this, it was a hellishly good read. I may deduct a star for the whole, not-feeling-western bit, but that's still a 9/10. :)
 
Hey man, just read this. And I'm 99% sure you'll take the highest death toll.

Anywho, I really liked the story. You've definitely got a knowledge of this time period and the events taking place within. Your script had some sheer brutality which is always fun.

Also, the Melville character was a ton of fun to read. I liked how you gave him a whole lot of depth. Even referencing back to his childhood and what led him to be so sadistic. Here's this depraved man who tortures priests and 40 of his men get blown to bits but it's not until his poodle gets it that he breaks down - that's awesome.

I also liked the line "It would shock a normal child, but in this age
nothing can." That really gave me a good idea of what's really going on in that time and place.

The only thing that threw me off was at, at the beginning, it seemed a little bit confusing. Later on, I understood what was going on completely, but at the beginning I felt a bit overwhelmed (I guess that's the right term). But, who knows, that could be because I read this at 3 AM and I'm just tired haha. But that was the only drawback for me to an otherwise impressive tale.
 
Rock on bro's thanks for the reads! Yep Rod, this film would be a western in the style of Django Kills, Django and the political/spaghetti westerns like Fistful of Dynamite etc etc. You just gotta remember the horses - epic landscapes (highlands) that i would use for the er haggis western! If I end up making it hehe! (ya never know hehe) I'm, tempted to have a go (maybe as a haggis western) as a low budget feature depending on what comes of revisions etc!

Thanks Tim! Yep Melville is basically me really - muhahah - now i need to get reading!
 
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I thoroughly enjoyed reading your script Lawrie.

This, as promised, is full of death and the story you couldn't say is a happy one, but it is a very good story non the less. It is brutal but correct, in times like these you would expect killings like these for the good of a religion, history holds the scars.
As stated above, The Mellville character is excellent and dark, I also found the suffering of the Preacher and his struggle through blindness and deafness well crafted.
My only negativity would be towards the ending, I find it very sudden. The climate is great, death, explosions, pierced animals and a murderous child, but I just want to see a little bit more, understand a little bit more, about Dysart, about the people and about this war.

Other than that mate, an excellent historic script. Well done.
 
Awee thank you mon amie :)

Yep well the interesting thing about your criticism for wanting more historical information (or closure really) is how it will play i think to American readers and if they feel thats necessary (me and you having lived in Scotland for years have a different expectation perhaps?)

The suddeness is in the in the ilke of such endings as Fistful of Dynamite, (though i prefer the new restored ending to that film ;) and Come and See etc.

Its about the futility of religious warfare (and the perversity, absurdity of it - and how it shall make murderers of our children etc and so on.) But the script (and film i see in my head) is very stylised (in the vain of an 17th century Apocalypse Now) you know? Rather than say a 'The Patriot or Braveheart' style film - with historical footnotes.

Point being, that the story can be taken and placed onto any current civil/or war and it has relevance (rather than being the story of say the community of Dysart in particular!)

But I am really keen to see how it plays ;) Oh and regarding spaghetti westerns - my er ennio morricone bit in it would be the stand off between our priest and Melville (with the martial band playing the actual music!) - i'd string that out for 2 mins probably in film land hehe!

So ill get onto your script in a mo my friend thank you !
 
Haggis Western. I like that.

This script is brutal. It's written in such a way that I feel the pain of the characters and hate Melville along with everyone else.

I am torn on one thing. Melville's "When I was a naughty boy" dialog seems a little unmotivated. His character stikes me as the kind of person who would have already had that conversation with his dog, perhaps many times before. Placing it in front of the burning building is the only thing that took me out of the script. I'm not even sure it's necessary to know this about the character. If this were a feature length, then yes, I think we'd want to know, but as a short its like one detail too much. If that makes sense. My two cents anyway.

Really well done.
 
Brutality has never been so much fun and I enjoyed reading it.

You did a good job of describing the horrors of war. The torture of the Preacher was horrible, but believable.

The Melville character is ridiculously entertaining, I loved that guy and his poodle.(and I don't even like poodles)

I liked the overall premise of the story and the setting.

A bit hard to believe that they could build an 80 foot cross that would support 40 men, even overnight and why not just shoot the preacher off the top?
But this is really an afterthought, because at the time of reading it I was just along for the ride and enjoying the visual that it created.

I like the fact that the girl got to off Melville.

I had a lot of fun reading this script. Bloody good work!

Just a technical aside. In the beginning, when you set it up, would that be a voice over or superimposed?
 
Hey guys cheers for the comments :)

krestofre - you may be right about that - but its just such a cute bit of self indulgence (and it is self indulgence we both know that) to pay too much attention to the minds of our characters that most amuse us. Your right actually in thinking its something he probably says to his poodle a lot (he does! The same disturbing stories ... over and over and over hehe compulsively so!)

It would be more appropriate as a feature which id love to produce this into depending er...

Conlan thanks and yes your quite right abot the wooden cross - it is quite absurd (we're stretching it a bit there.) Yep why not shoot him - its this idea Melville has that he can't kill him (that he says earlier) -because he's a minister (but oh u know, chopping off bits and bops is just fiiiine hehe)

And to think the poor Poodle didn't even get his name mentioned, (i had it down as Delabonte Gateau).
 
@lawriejaffa

i liked your script. here's some things i want to point out.

things like this:
They have made their covenant
directly with God. (Produces
document) Already the people of
Edinburgh have sworn to this
‘National Covenent’ a pledge to
resist the Crown!
Click to expand...
shouldn't they look like this?
They have made their covenant
directly with God.
(Produces document)
Already the people of
Edinburgh have sworn to this
‘National Covenent’ a pledge to
resist the Crown!
Click to expand...
not a big deal really, i am just personally curious regarding that.

i liked how melville talked to his dog, not like sweet talk but actually talk, i think that was a good method in showing more of the character. not to mention it's funny lol.

i think you should've ended it differently. by that i mean, when i was reading and visualing this, i just picture the young girl smashing melville's head in, then roll credits after. i would've added something to show that something happens after, like, "...his skull cracking like a crumpled eggshell. the young girl hastely runs off into the woods." just an example, not necessarily that obviously but something like that. unless of course your point to make was that it ends right after she smashes his head in, in which case what you did was perfect because that's what i visualized.

also, i liked the tongue ripping out scene. awesome violence/realism. violence. vioolennnce.

overall i liked it. good job :thumbup:
 
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Everything I could have said has already been stated by my fellow reviewers. I loved your dialogue and characters. I agree the the beginning was slightly confusing, but after a few more pages it makes a lot more sense. Your brutality was very real, and yet a bit Hollywood-ish at the same time, which I enjoyed immensely! Overall I really liked it, I hope to see more from you in future Fest's.
 
Cheers guys, the difficulty im toying with is could i make a haggis western, and what is the visual culture one would use to express this script into a film that would not be percieved as a braveheart/patriot type of thing. I keep going on but my big inspiration would be films like Come and See, Django/Django Kills and Fistful of Dynamite (and the romance of sergioleonne and ennio morricone in general) obviously we make films in our own style anyway but i could i draw my genuine inspiration from them and make it work if this was ever produced? Thats what im wondering - any opinions on that gents (and cheers i know im rabbiting on in my thread :P I will pester all of you guys repeatedly in your own threads hehe

- Your script correction sounds right to me nouou i'll remember to structure actions like that properly.
 
Lawrie. I came to this not knowing what to expect. I've made a point of not reading the threads before reading the scripts. (I have read some of the comments before writing this though.) I think you did a great job of turning a Scottish story into a western. It's a bit more of a push than say an Australian western but it fits nonetheless. This story is western by content rather than its setting. And your characters are also universal in nature. It could just as easily have worked in the American West...with minor changes, so I love the fact that you took a genre and gave it a new twist.

Now, to the story. You did a very good job of letting me know who the leads in this story were. I cared about the preacher (white hat) and that he wanted to keep and protect St. Serf's Cross. No idea what the significance of it is, but in this case, it doesn't matter. It could have been anything that Melville (black hat) wanted bad enough to kill for. And man, did he kill. This did, indeed, have a Spaghetti Western feel to it...I'll accept the term Haggis Western.

I believe that someone thought your minister deaf, but he only had his ears cut off. He could still hear, which he needed to be able to do to have his dialogue with the blacksmith.

It wasn't until after I had finished that questions about the structure the towns' people had built arose. I really don't have a problem with that, though. It was quite easy to "go with it."

I also like that you went to the trouble to give us a crumb of Melville's past. It didn't make me want to like him, but it gave me an insight into what might be driving his insanity.

The ending fit well within the confines of the world you created. I had no problem believing the little girl finished Melville off. It was also important that you made sure to keep the preacher driving the action up to the point of his ultimate demise.

This is a very well written script which I could see being produced as is. BUT, I can also see the whole framework being expanded into a feature. When broken down to its bare essentials, this is a classic western story, the struggle of good vs. bad.

Kudos on a very good entry. :thumbsup::thumbsup:

btw, would it kill you to put a time of day in your Scene Headings? :beer::beer:
EXT. DYSART - DAY
 
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Oh yeah... lol scene headings to denote the day lol I should do that - im still learning some of the script structure / writings (doh lol) yes indeed! I will do it Blaine good sir!

Thanks for the review- im kinda toying with the idea of developing it further with a feature in mind, though i wrote this day before deadline (an idea gripped me) as i was really struggling (and had corporate commission deadlines booh) But the fun element of this perverse tale is making me think about it further hehe. As there is no haggis western on the market yet!
 
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