Copperhead
- Thread starter NJPage
- Start date
TimCollins
Well-known member
Snakes... great idea:thumbup:
Russell Moore
Well-known member
Sounds like an interesting mix.
lawriejaffa
Veteran
Hey there - yeah this will be interesting 
and ooh wonder when their online!?
and ooh wonder when their online!?Hi Tim, thanks for the thumbsup on snakes - all this a bit new to me - script writing AND forums that is!!! Good Luck
Hi Arroway... perhaps I should have left the ol' serpent handling to you! I'm sat here in bonnie Scotland where we fight our battles out using live haggis... Good Luck
Hi Conlan... this will be my first (and possibly last) script... he-he... that is called a 'gallows laugh' by the way! Good Luck
Hi Arroway... perhaps I should have left the ol' serpent handling to you! I'm sat here in bonnie Scotland where we fight our battles out using live haggis... Good Luck
Hi Conlan... this will be my first (and possibly last) script... he-he... that is called a 'gallows laugh' by the way! Good Luck
DarkElastic
Well-known member
Hi NJPage, glad you got your script in and I hope you kept your script away from the prying Scottish eyes of your youth!!!
DarkElastic
Well-known member
I enjoyed your script NJPage.
I thought your dialogue was very well written and the script as a whole is very well written. I had to read it twice to read gage who everyone was, but it was a good story, spreading across ten years, with some good characters. The snakes kick arse!
I suppose my only critism would be that it doesn't feel very western, just the small part between Raef and Willard.
Overall, it was a good script. Well done.
I thought your dialogue was very well written and the script as a whole is very well written. I had to read it twice to read gage who everyone was, but it was a good story, spreading across ten years, with some good characters. The snakes kick arse!
I suppose my only critism would be that it doesn't feel very western, just the small part between Raef and Willard.
Overall, it was a good script. Well done.
krestofre
Knight of the Holy Order
Very unique story. I certainly never expected anything like this from the fest, but the way people use the theme of the fest to tell their own tales is something I really like about these competitions.
In the spirit of all of us trying to improve our craft, your sluglines need some work. Example:
It seems to me you're mixing action with slug.
There are also some extraneous detail in the script that bogs it down a little. One example: On the second page you wrote:
Whereas it's nice prose, this really doesn't add anything to a script. The audience watching the movie isn't going to be able to smell anything other than popcorn. As a result it kind of muddles the script, albeit subtly. Removing extra stuff like this makes for a tighter script and easier to read.
In the spirit of all of us trying to improve our craft, your sluglines need some work. Example:
should be something like
It seems to me you're mixing action with slug.
There are also some extraneous detail in the script that bogs it down a little. One example: On the second page you wrote:
Whereas it's nice prose, this really doesn't add anything to a script. The audience watching the movie isn't going to be able to smell anything other than popcorn. As a result it kind of muddles the script, albeit subtly. Removing extra stuff like this makes for a tighter script and easier to read.
lawriejaffa
Veteran
Well here is my feedback!
I thought this was a very interesting dramatic narrative with a lot of depth and a fascinatintg subject matter. Snakes are themselves fascinating and so are the religious practices of those Christians (with a particular association to the West too Imagine.)
The tension is palpable during the snake service and it retains a creepy atmosphere (with our snake loving expert Raef.)
My only criticism would be that I sometimes got a little confused over the revenge of the sons and fathers, and wonder perhaps if that could be made clearer?
In any regards a bold debut as I understand this is your very first short film script!
I thought this was a very interesting dramatic narrative with a lot of depth and a fascinatintg subject matter. Snakes are themselves fascinating and so are the religious practices of those Christians (with a particular association to the West too Imagine.)
The tension is palpable during the snake service and it retains a creepy atmosphere (with our snake loving expert Raef.)
My only criticism would be that I sometimes got a little confused over the revenge of the sons and fathers, and wonder perhaps if that could be made clearer?
In any regards a bold debut as I understand this is your very first short film script!
Sarah Daly
Well-known member
Wow - is this really your first script? That's both incredibly impressive and terriblly depressing; there's no hope for me!
So, yes I really liked this. The writing is fantastic - you set a sinister tone with your clever naming and attention to detail. The snake is a great device, reinforces your theme and adds a palpable sense of danger.
The story is dark and epic but handled confidently and with great style.
One niggle, although it may just be me...but I didn't quite get the war back story? Then, I have had a very long day of mind draining work so that's probably more of a reflection on me than you. Didn't stop me enjoying this very much though!
Great effort! If this is your first script I can't wait to see what you do next
So, yes I really liked this. The writing is fantastic - you set a sinister tone with your clever naming and attention to detail. The snake is a great device, reinforces your theme and adds a palpable sense of danger.
The story is dark and epic but handled confidently and with great style.
One niggle, although it may just be me...but I didn't quite get the war back story? Then, I have had a very long day of mind draining work so that's probably more of a reflection on me than you. Didn't stop me enjoying this very much though!
Great effort! If this is your first script I can't wait to see what you do next
Sarah, thanks for the feed-back! Yes, this is the first time I've written a script ever and am trying to get the hang of Final Draft software . Was talked into entering by my son -'Mother', he said, 'enter!' So I did. I' m an ol' fashioned gal (60 next year) and more into writing wee cosy short stories he-he... But - now bitten by the scabby script snake - I fear I'll turn into the script writing... Mummy from HELL!!!
ps. ...also very slow at typing... yawn... only got through about one third feedbacks yet...
ps. ...also very slow at typing... yawn... only got through about one third feedbacks yet...
Sarah Daly
Well-known member
Well good on you dear! You're a natural! Ah - short stories - that explains the lovely language! There's a tendency when people move to scriptwriting from prose to over-describe things, but you've obviously thought about the medium and adapted wonderfully!
I'll have to persuade my mother to get on the bandwagon too so to speak She's 60 next year too oddly enough!
Anyway yes, keep up the good scripting!!!
I'll have to persuade my mother to get on the bandwagon too so to speak
She's 60 next year too oddly enough! Anyway yes, keep up the good scripting!!!
Russell Moore
Well-known member
Hey NJ...You kept me glued to the page throughout. Its obvious that you are a very good writer. You're descriptions are done very well.
There were some minor technical issues with the slugs. But krestofre addressed this for the most part. One more note. When writing a slug, after EXT./INT. is the location, listed from general to specific and then after that the time.
Remember that you have to be able to show what is going on, thats part of the fun challenge of screen writing. Like this, a great piece of writing.
I was captivated by your writing, but for a script it doesn't really work. Because you're writing for a visual medium and there is no way to show this on film (except for the piss and that might be enough to get the point across)
Unless it was a flashback.
I hope this is not taken negatively, because I really did enjoy the story.
Great first effort!
There were some minor technical issues with the slugs. But krestofre addressed this for the most part. One more note. When writing a slug, after EXT./INT. is the location, listed from general to specific and then after that the time.
Remember that you have to be able to show what is going on, thats part of the fun challenge of screen writing. Like this, a great piece of writing.
Brother Garth feels a terror out-with the norm in his
previous experience of snake-handlers. His thoughts fall
back to the memory of that day, before the shells burst
around them. He and Hayward had clung to each other in fear
before the end of that day... made up surely, although
later going their separate ways. So, why was piss running
down his leg now in a steady stream - he couldn’t stop
it... couldn’t even try.
previous experience of snake-handlers. His thoughts fall
back to the memory of that day, before the shells burst
around them. He and Hayward had clung to each other in fear
before the end of that day... made up surely, although
later going their separate ways. So, why was piss running
down his leg now in a steady stream - he couldn’t stop
it... couldn’t even try.
I was captivated by your writing, but for a script it doesn't really work. Because you're writing for a visual medium and there is no way to show this on film (except for the piss and that might be enough to get the point across)
Unless it was a flashback.
I hope this is not taken negatively, because I really did enjoy the story.
Great first effort!
chris f
Veteran
NJPage,
The good: Enjoyed the description of the church service and could feel the tension in the room when the pastors were going to handle the snakes, I was genuinely interested in what was going to happen next.
The constructive criticism: I'll echo the reminder of only writing what can be seen on screen. Also, I was confused at times regarding who was who, who did what, and why each person was out to kill the other. I imagine it makes perfect sense in your mind, but I think the script would benefit from either clearer descriptions or less character/time jumps. Also, I don't quite understand why the kid was so attracted to snakes.
The good: Enjoyed the description of the church service and could feel the tension in the room when the pastors were going to handle the snakes, I was genuinely interested in what was going to happen next.
The constructive criticism: I'll echo the reminder of only writing what can be seen on screen. Also, I was confused at times regarding who was who, who did what, and why each person was out to kill the other. I imagine it makes perfect sense in your mind, but I think the script would benefit from either clearer descriptions or less character/time jumps. Also, I don't quite understand why the kid was so attracted to snakes.
Tormod
Active member
I also was a bit confused at points, but I`ll read it again before I vote! But yeah you have to write what we see, but for a first script this understandable!
I love the church scene. I really picture the whole scene in my head and that is through your great writing!
A really good first try and I`ll get back to you after I`ve read it again!
I love the church scene. I really picture the whole scene in my head and that is through your great writing!
A really good first try and I`ll get back to you after I`ve read it again!
TimCollins
Well-known member
This was enjoyable and definitely unique!
It started off a tad bit confusing for me at points. I was kinda wondering where it was going from the plains, to the war flashback, to the church. But it definitely came together for me in the end especially when the dialogue between Raef and Willard started on page 4.
The story certainly had depth which was great and fun to read. I was looking forward to a story with snakes and you certainly provided that!
Just a couple of minor details... I noticed a couple of things like this...
Other than that (and the minor slugline issues) your writing was great! Can't believe that's your first screenplay - impressive. (You should see my first screenplay - HORRENDOUS!) You must have done some other types of writing before?
Oh and also, just a minor, minor detail... you could have benefited from a title page!
Overall it was an enjoyable story and you did a good job!
It started off a tad bit confusing for me at points. I was kinda wondering where it was going from the plains, to the war flashback, to the church. But it definitely came together for me in the end especially when the dialogue between Raef and Willard started on page 4.
The story certainly had depth which was great and fun to read. I was looking forward to a story with snakes and you certainly provided that!
Just a couple of minor details... I noticed a couple of things like this...
I think it would flow better for the parentheses to be under the character names rather than next to them. I'm not sure if it's an either/or thing but that's what I've seen in the past.
Other than that (and the minor slugline issues) your writing was great! Can't believe that's your first screenplay - impressive. (You should see my first screenplay - HORRENDOUS!) You must have done some other types of writing before?
Oh and also, just a minor, minor detail... you could have benefited from a title page!
Overall it was an enjoyable story and you did a good job!
Last edited:
Blaine
Mr. Hollywood
You're a writer. And for a first script, this is pretty good. I had no problem following what was happening and if was nice seeing a somewhat contemporary western.
I'll probably be reiterating what others have said but here it is anyway.
Looks like you're using Final Draft, so when you do your direction (i.e. PUZZLED) use the parenthetical and it will place it in parentheses below the character's name. The same would be true for parentheticals within the dialogue.
Show, don't tell. Screenwriting is for a visual medium. Anything that can't be shown on the screen doesn't belong in the screenplay. We can't see what a character is thinking or feeling unless you show it to us through his action(s).
I thought there was quite a bit of exposition in the dialogue between Raef and Willard. Again, this felt like you were telling us the story rather than showing it. That's one of the biggest differences between the short story and short screenplay. The screenplay is entirely dependent upon what we can see. The dialogue in the final scene got to feeling like talking heads because of the length of the chunks of dialogue and again the exposition.
I don't know if you read the dialogue aloud after you've written it or not, but if you do you'll be able to determine what seems too long or not. Your dialogue tends to feel more novelistic. Better yet, if you can get someone you feel comfortable with to read it with you can get a better feel for the flow of the dialogue.
I think you'll adapt quickly to the screenplay format. You certainly have writing skills, now it's just a matter of learning the differences required by the arena you're writing in.
Good job.
I'll probably be reiterating what others have said but here it is anyway.
Looks like you're using Final Draft, so when you do your direction (i.e. PUZZLED) use the parenthetical and it will place it in parentheses below the character's name. The same would be true for parentheticals within the dialogue.
Show, don't tell. Screenwriting is for a visual medium. Anything that can't be shown on the screen doesn't belong in the screenplay. We can't see what a character is thinking or feeling unless you show it to us through his action(s).
I thought there was quite a bit of exposition in the dialogue between Raef and Willard. Again, this felt like you were telling us the story rather than showing it. That's one of the biggest differences between the short story and short screenplay. The screenplay is entirely dependent upon what we can see. The dialogue in the final scene got to feeling like talking heads because of the length of the chunks of dialogue and again the exposition.
I don't know if you read the dialogue aloud after you've written it or not, but if you do you'll be able to determine what seems too long or not. Your dialogue tends to feel more novelistic. Better yet, if you can get someone you feel comfortable with to read it with you can get a better feel for the flow of the dialogue.
I think you'll adapt quickly to the screenplay format. You certainly have writing skills, now it's just a matter of learning the differences required by the arena you're writing in.
Good job.