"Contact"

This ...

A military Ford GWS Jeep drives down a road adjacent to the​
identical barracks of the base.

This reads like the barracks are identical to the jeep. Maybe you mean 'rows of cookie-cutter baracks' or something like that.

Great dialogue this ...

WISE​

I’m riddled with anticipation

This ...

enters a room filled with light

I thought the room was poorly lit. Or is the General full of light?

This ...

HARRY
I’m ... I’m scared.​


Wise reaches into his coat pocket (reaches into whose pocket? His own?)​

WISE
Have a cigarette, calm your nerves​

He lights the cigarettes (who lights it)​

HARRY​
Thank you, Professor

Keep it clear who is doing what.

This ...

bustling with scientists around machines​

running tests

Who or what is running the tests? Scientists or machines?

This ...

investigative and intrigued smirk

No idea what that looks like.

This ...

The people part to each side to let Wise through

Only Wise? What about the General and Harry?

This ...

We found it off the coast a​

Delaware

Typo.

This ...

lanky with knives and tubes protruding​


Are these part of the creature, or from the autopsy? You follow this with ...

tentacle like arms and long slender fingers

... so I assume the knives and tubes are aloso part of the creature.

This ...

Words and images flash through his mind​

What words? What images? what am I missing here?

This ...

GENERAL​

Are you O.K?

Pretty dry responce after what just happened. It's not Wise stubbed his toe here.

So far you refer to the 'creature' as him, it, creature, alien and extraterrestial. Pick one and stick with it.

This ...

The General leaves

So, the rest of the people are coming to pieces, but the General simple leaves?

This ...

WISE
(intrigued)​

An interesting development

Pretty funny, in a Sherlock Holmes kinda way.

Lot of missing puntuation throughout.

This ...

The alien frees itself from the restraints and kills many of​

the nearby scientists

How? Not fair, I want to know. Also, you call the scientists and peopl, but I assume it's the same characters?

The whole jeep, woods, finding A-Harry happened too fast, and we never really saw them catch up to A-H. Just started taking, and A-H hjappen to be there.

I think you really need to be clear on who is doing what and when. I had to put two and two together far too often, and as a reader, that's not my job.

STORY

I really enjoyed the dialogue, though at times it felt contivewd, but in all it really worked, and you sorta created two worlds in one, where one is chaos, and the other this ubiquitous calm. Very effective.

Years a go I used to know this guy, who no matter the emergency at hand, never got excited, and never changed his tone. He was the kinda guy that would calmly inform a neighbor their house was in flames, then go about his business like nothing was unusual. Do dee do dee do. Wise reminded me of him to a tee.

I think the mistake element was well handled, but I would have liked to have seen it played out more, and maybe rework the melodrama of the Alien's speech.

We never got to know Harry, so losing him meant pretty much nothing.

Definately picked up on a Jone influence there as well, but more of a Sherlock than anything.

Anyways, enjoyed the read.





 
The description of the alien's body

alex whitmer said:
This ...

lanky with knives and tubes protruding​

Are these part of the creature, or from the autopsy? You follow this with ...

tentacle like arms and long slender fingers

... so I assume the knives and tubes are also part of the creature
Click to expand...
That was my fault, I went back and noticed how disorganized that was. Wish I had figured it out sooner.

I would have loved to go into more detail about Harry, the death of the scientists, and the chase but there just didn't seem to be enough space when it came to cutting down the script. In a longer version these facts would be padded out and more detail put in.

I appreciate your advice, thanks, and glad you picked up on some of the subtleties. I'll be sure to work on the mistakes and grammar in the future.:dankk2:
 
Hey MrKilloran-
I was hoping you could answer the questions I had. They were small things, but I would like to see what your thoughts were on those two points. Thanks :)
 
jamiejay said:
You did a good job. Nice writing. I also thought of Indiana Jones and MIB while reading this.

Few minor questions: How did the General know that "Harry" was really the alien? And, if Wise understood everything that was going on, why did he have to ask "why us?".

But those are VERY minor things and they didn't impact my enjoyment of the script. Just after-thoughts. :)
Click to expand...

Those were jamiejay's questions.


A lot of people have written some good criticism, especially Alex, so I'll just mention one more thing myself.

The line "This is the extraterrestrial." seems like more explanation than is needed. Maybe he just says "Here it is." or, even more preferable, nothing.

Beyond that, there's a lot of good stuff in this story. Good characters, circumstances, action sequences. Could be an exciting short, or possibly feature if that's where you want to go with it.

It surprises me that everyone is reminded of MIB. For me, the thing it is closest to is the scene in Independence Day where the alien is behind the glass and takes control of the scientist's body.
 
Sorry about that,

jamiejay said:
Few minor questions: How did the General know that "Harry" was really the alien? And, if Wise understood everything that was going on, why did he have to ask "why us?".
Click to expand...

Question 1: Assume. Alex had a point about having to put two and two together, this is one of those moments where it just sorta happens. I was writing it to be campy and it just seemed like one of those things where the character's know plot points. But to be fair the General doesn't say its "Harry," he could just see a figure running into the woods, assume its the alien, and know where its going. Understandably some exposition between the General and Wise could clear all this up.

Question 2: My thoughts were that while Wise may know everything, he doesn't understand all this knowledge running around in his head. All he's doing is making sense of it all. Like if you found a bag of puzzle pieces, with the exact number of pieces written on the side, and have to put it together with no idea what its supposed to look like.

Hope that helps clear up some things.
 
Last edited:
jasonthewho said:
The line "This is the extraterrestrial." seems like more explanation than is needed. Maybe he just says "Here it is." or, even more preferable, nothing.
Click to expand...

I see what you're saying, by saying nothing it could actually allow for a more visual reveal of the alien and at the same time create more interest into what it could be.
 
Its great all of you got the homage 50's feel of the story, I was really trying to get that across in my writing. I know at times it came off as campy but I feel thats what made a lot of the old stuff feel so classic sometimes. I really want to flesh this out into a bigger story, work on some characters (The General and Harry) as well as introduce some new ones, and up the ante so to speak with certain elements of the story. When I get a chance I'll get to work on a re-write and fix up some of the problems within but for now thanks for all your comments, support, and suggestions, I'll take them to heart.
 
I actually got more of an "Independence Day" feel with the alien...but anyway...the script was a lot of fun to read...didn't understand the gasoline canister leaking in a medical facility...but that could just be that my image of the room was different than your intent. Overall, a very action filled/sci filled script...really great!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top