SHORT: Clocked Out - New Short

F

fcrabbath

Well-known member
Hey guys, been a while but I've got a few exciting details! First i've got several new films on the way and this is the first one of the list titled CLOCKED OUT.
It's about a secret division in police departments who find people from the future (non-educational reasons) who take advantage of lotteries, stocks etc. This was a fun 48 hour project and hope you all enjoy it!
More films will be released by next week, so look out for those. I'll be creating a production thread for my first feature on here soon too.

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12 Minutes
Viewer discretion is advised.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3kSkCiTXaQ

SCREENSHOT
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(Shot on one 5D Mark II, edited on Premiere, After effects)

BEHIND THE SCENES
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Also if you missed it, DISCONNECTED intro (Full film on my channel) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENXSPZONDK8
And the trailer for AS I AM to be released next week. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rc4dEghW_0w
LIGHT OF EDEN trailer http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmwJyZQs1b8

Main Channel : http://www.youtube.com/fcrabbath
Join our facebook page too! http://www.facebook.com/fcrabbathcreations
 
1/3 of the way through:

Man, she calls out "frankie" a lot. It's kinda annoying... dunno if this is a character trait or it's meant to emphasize the fact that she knows this guy (which we got right from the get go), but I really hope she doesn't keep doing that.

And the way she got caught was really uncreative and even a bit silly. She didn't see him coming? Did she assume he left or something? She knew he wasn't there... first thing I'd think is 'he's trying to flank me!" She seems smarter than that, especially if she's some devious 'time criminal.' Not to mention she was trying to stall him for what? So she could exchange more frankie comments and stand there crouched doing nothing?

Also I'm really not sure if this is meant to be a comedy, or drama? Has the style of a Drama, but it's a bit silly... not feeling that it works right now.

2/3:

Okay, she died, finally! Thank god. Don't have to hear 'hey frankie, you know me, look at the way we always do this and that!' Also if she got captured, and she implied that they always do this, why hasn't she been killed before? Or am I missing some time paradox thing?

Also if 'it's the law' then why haven't 'courts been invented yet'? Wouldn't law and courts come at the same time... It's just weird writing and delivery.

So now everyone know him? They just keep calling him frank or Frankie... it's really annoying by this point. No one calls their friends (or enemies) by their names every two seconds. Yes this is film and the name needs to be said so the audience knows who he is, and so we get the association they have, but it's a bit much.

Ending:

It was interesting enough. But the so-so acting, the strange lines and delivery didn't let it get to it's potential. The only decent actor was really the kid in the blue shirt. He brought comedy to the script, made me laugh once or twice. The main actor was a bit too over the top.

I'm all for mystery in films, but what I didn't know about what was going on actually got me a bit peeved. They die all the time? What were they doing? Why were they there? Who are the guys they're killing? Who are these "time cops"? When are these time cops from? Too many questions, not enough satisfied answers. It just felt too complex to be a short piece.

Also the constant name calling, and the attempted comedy mix into the drama really didn't do it for me.

On a technical level it was well done. Some grading choices I didn't like (such as the overexposed yellow bathroom), but it's your thing I guess.
 
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Yep, I'll take it. LOL! I liked it. I like all of your stuff though. Your films always have high production value and excellent cinematography. The quality looked great and if you put this together in 48 hours, that's amazing. There were several shots that I really liked. The shot of the main guy in the store when you had a rack focus from him to the lady in the aisle and back to him was nice. Subtle, but nice. I also really liked the closing shot of him walking to the van. Great work there. Things to improve on IMO would be the sound design. I may have to go and listen again, but the gunshot sounds were okay, but they could be better. If they were, I feel like it would add a little punch. Also, there were a couple of places where a quicker cut may have worked better. When they enter the hotel room seemed a little off. Maybe cut a frame out before the guy kicks the door to give him pushing himself in the room more impact and maybe start the shot from inside the hotel a few frames earlier so we can see the impact of the door on the guy and then see him fall. The other thing that the quicker cuts would serve would be the acting. It was really good in spots, but there were times where it wasn't so great. It was believable enough, but not on the level of everything else in the short I think. If you get some really stellar actors in your films, the sky will be the limit. Again, I really liked it. Good story and I did actually think the lead was the best actor overall. Nice work. Keep them coming and I'll for sure be watching!
 
very well done. Especially for a 48 hr film fest. I know how difficult it is to do a fest like that. lots of pressure on every end. congrats
 
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