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kennethhurd

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Synopsis:
After recently going through a rough breakup, Andy moves into a new apartment where the previous tenants have left everything, including an old television set. Andy soon discovers that something is not quite right with his new TV. The people on the screen seem to be reaching out to him, communicating with him, and pleading for his help.


I'm currently in pre-production for this short, which will be my submission for MonsterFest. This is my first scriptfest, so I hope you guys enjoy the script, as well as the short film for the fest. I look forward to reading your comments as well as your scripts. Thanks!
 
Interesting vibe. Not what I would call a monster flick.


Spoiler alert...............








I was thinking the demon thing would kill her in Andy's house, so he would find her body on the way home and then be busted for murder. I guess the story could go on. Good Job.
 
Very nice script Kenneth,

Spoilers below:




I like stories ob objects being demonic. One of the best to me is Christine. This seems mix of that film and Poltergeist. I liked the characters. I think we should have more of a clue as to what has happened between them, something subtle so we can make our own minds up. I also think you could have a little more at the end. I do like the ending, but it feels like it needs something...

Overall though, a good script. Well done.
 
Enjoyable, you don't need the voiceover in the bathroom, the flashback is just as effective w/o it. Although their past seems incomplete, I'm not positive what happened between them and could have used more just to round out the story.

I like how, even if unintentionally, the story seems like a commentary on television stealing the souls of our society as well as Sarah's eyes being gouged out. She lost them to the TV. TV is a demon. It certainly might not be subtle but it works well.
 
I liked the script, not a monster script, definitely a horror script. The fact of it not fitting the genre does hurt it a bit in my mind, that told, it was a good read. Some of the TV vs. Real World stuff was a bit unclear, but on the same token, I thought you bounced around pretty well. You could clear things up with "ON TV" more clear marks, but then would worry about those marks appearing hokey. I'd just say play around with that part a bit for future.

Whole thing seems like a really interesting short film, the story was cool and dark, it could come across as a bit staged, and I definitely would like to see how it looks produced. Thanks for submitting.
 
The TV-Demon concept itself seems interesting but the immersion in the story was lost because of lax execution.
Andy approaches and sees that it is Sarah.
Preacher (on TV): Can I get an Amen?
Andy sees Sarah and is horrified by what he sees.
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Stuff like that shouldn't survive the first revision.
Not only is "sees" and "walks" used perhaps a hundred times in the script but everything just kinda happens in front of the passive protagonist as if he's in a dark ride at Disneyland. He just sees stuff, walks towards stuff. There is no reaction, decision or distinct behavior that would make me care for him or his wife. It feels very bland.
 
This is a nice script; while I would agree with some of the other commenters that some of the description is a little clunky (I had to read the second scene twice to get clear on what was going on, I got the impression at first that Andy and Sarah were both there watching the video), I think overall it works.

As to the comments about it being more of a horror movie than a monster movie--technically that would be correct, but technically it does show a monster, which is the requirement of both this ScriptFest and the MonsterFest, so my opinion is that it qualifies for both. (Of course, my opinion means exactly jack squat in official forum business. :D )

Okay, I don't usually do spoiler warnings in these threads, because I figure people have read the script, but I'm going to respond to one thing particularly from an earlier comment and since I'm laying out my interpretation of the script I don't want to color anyone else's read of it, so read the script and then come back.

SPOILER WARNING:

DarkElastic said:
I think we should have more of a clue as to what has happened between them, something subtle so we can make our own minds up.
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I thought actually there were several clues with varying degrees of subtlety. It seems fairly obvious that these two have just broken up; the flashback where Andy wonders why he didn't get a say, because "it" was half his, leads me to think that Sarah was pregnant and decided on her own to get an abortion. (I put "it" in quotes there because I think it's kind of an insensitive way to refer to an unborn child; I don't argue that there a lot of guys in that situation who would use exactly that term :), but I would have liked to have seen a reaction to it. OTOH, if Sarah is really as callous to the child as she seems, and you want Andy to be the sympathetic character, I think you need to bring that out in what he says.)

If I'm right about the abortion thing, BTW, I would liked to have seen the Demon Preacher tied in somehow to the aborted fetus.

END SPOILERS

One final comment that I didn't feel the need to bury in the spoiler section is that it might be nice to see the Preacher earlier on, at least briefly, as things first start to get weird.

Despite all this nitpicking, though, I did like the script. :) It'll be interesting to see what you can do with the filmed version.
 
Captain Pierce said:
I thought actually there were several clues with varying degrees of subtlety. It seems fairly obvious that these two have just broken up; the flashback where Andy wonders why he didn't get a say, because "it" was half his, leads me to think that Sarah was pregnant and decided on her own to get an abortion. (I put "it" in quotes there because I think it's kind of an insensitive way to refer to an unborn child; I don't argue that there a lot of guys in that situation who would use exactly that term :), but I would have liked to have seen a reaction to it. OTOH, if Sarah is really as callous to the child as she seems, and you want Andy to be the sympathetic character, I think you need to bring that out in what he says.)
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Yes I agree Captain, I totally missed that dialogue, which is terrible of me and I retract the comment... I disagree that there were several clues of varying degrees, though.
 
Fun read, with a sort of creep-show/twilight zone vibe going on.

I wouldn't mention camera movements (but I get the impression you plan to film this yourself, so you're the boss) and would have divided up the description paragraphs. But again if you plan to both write and direct, your don't have to worry about someone reading and winging.

I would try and use his name in one or two of the action lines, rather than a constant he, his etc - always try to avoid anything that effects the flow of the read and stands out enough to distract the reader.

Well done.
 
ok I thought this was a fun and erie ride. I do agree with some of the other comments about some confusion on who is watching what's on tv. But I really did enjoy this script. It would be really fun to make. Great job.
 
I left a note about this in the viewing thread...

For some weird reason your script won't open up in Adobe and it gives me an error. I'd love to be able to read it and vote on it.
 
Your opening slugs aren't specific enough with their location and threw me off slightly coz' INT. APARTMENT without a specific room like LIVING ROOM, BEDROOM etc. in the slug made me think that the second scene is taking place in the same location.

You could mention, whose apartment it is.

Also the first scene is technically a flash forward or if construed as being in the present the subsequent scenes are probably flashback. Then you could mention this in your slugs.

he hears somthing coming from the living room.
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This doesn't sound right. Let him hear some noise from the living room.

The descriptions of the woman (Sarah) on the TV as she is being tortured by the knife, needs to be much clearer, as to why Andy takes his time in recognizing her. Is she in shadow? Does she have a gag? Does her hair cover her face? You could use these points to describe the initial vagueness of who she is.

The TV dialing the phone is a good reveal, but description lines like "he sounds tired" and the caller id clue are too much on the nose exposition. Needs more trimming.

Don't go from Sarah receiving the call to her in Andy's home. Too quick a transition. A better and more dramatic moment can be created if she drives off and Andy drives in and parks in her spot.
Then you can go to the apartment.

The APARTMENT slugs again threw me off quite a bit.

See, I'd like it if impaled Sarah isn't in the room when Andy notices the horror on TV. Or have him see her and the knives and then let the TV come on.

I like the TV as monster and the backstory about their relationship. This needs a good once over to make it more concise.

All the best!
 
Why can't I copy and paste anything out of your PDF? Annoying.

Great monster! Very inventive.

Didn't like the bible quote the Preacher spoke at the end. When it comes to films, there couldn't possibly be a more overused one than that.

Like some of the other entries I didn't understand what the monster and the two characters had in common. Why was it attacking them? What does the apparent abortion they had together and their break up have to do with a TV demon?

Great concept. Great monster.
 
That's for the feedback everyone. It's all really helpful! I apologize for the confusing parts of the script. After writing it, I started focusing my attention to the production end and only decided to submit the script the day of for some extra feedback. It's nice to receive criticism from those who aren't already associated with the project and can truly be constructive.

As for the monster's relationship to the characters, there really isn't one. When Andy moved into his new place, the TV was left behind from the previous tenants. I would assume that something bad had happened to them as well, but I didn't feel that it was important to this story.

I wanted Andy and Sarah to have a somewhat separate story line than them coming together just to fight the demon. So I wrote in the failed relationship with a flashback scene of a previous argument. I wanted the monster aspects to be somewhat of a backdrop.

I was afraid that this wouldn't be considered monster enough for MonsterFest, so I made sure to run the plot by the mods first. The response I received was that as long as we see the monster, even if it's on the TV screen, it would count.

Thank you all for your feedback. It's been very helpful. I started shooting the "On TV" stuff this past weekend and next weekend I'm going to shoot the remainder of the script. This feedback has definitely helped me to clean up a few things before next weekend's shoot. So far, it's been a really fun shoot and I hope you guys enjoy the film when it's complete.
 
Technical - I imagine we are in the 'living room' of this apartment? Place that in the masterslug heading.

...we dolly out... - uh, no, instead, use something more like, "we pull back to reveal..."

...obviously very much in love... - show, don't tell.

All cap - CELL PHONE.

... there is silence on the other end... There can't be silence if someone is talking to Andy. Just keep to what Andy is saying and that's fine. You don't have to explain we can't hear the conversation.

When he flips open his cell phone, you should reveal to us that the caller is SARAH at that point. Close up on cell phone.

Ext Sarah's Driveway - you have this in reverse. The conversation is taking place INSIDE THE CAR so you need to put that masterslug first, then when Sarah gets out of the car, you are in her driveway.

The cut from night to him brushing his teeth threw me off. I'd like him to look at himself in the mirror and 'recall' what happened earlier.

... the TV turned on itself... Simplify by just stating the TV is on even though he turned it off earlier.

Makes no sense that he didn't recognize Sarah right way unless her hair covered her face, or the angle was off.

Telephone conversation should be an INTERCUT so we read both conversations at it is happening.

Content - confusing. So that whole thing with Sarah never happened, just a deception? Why did she actually poke her eyes out? How was she forced to do this?

I think this story would have been better if SARAH had been the twist and had killed Andy. That she was the monster instead. The Preacher Demon at the end almost seemed like an 'extra' character just to add a monster.

You had me to a point but then lost me. Good job in finishing on time.
 
Charli said:
Good job in finishing on time.
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lololol

(I'm morbidly relieved I'm not the only one who got this comment)

Today's word of the day appears to be..."asteism".

By the way Kenneth, I forgot to mention this earlier...Good job on the comma placement. And the periods at the end of your sentences? Fantastic effort there. And I LOVE the way you put a space between all the words, give yourself a pat on the back for that one...

:grin:
 
Can I please borrow your Demon TV, Kenneth? Also, does it have a remote?

I need to it support a few sound effects in my script.
 
arroway said:
lololol

And I LOVE the way you put a space between all the words, give yourself a pat on the back for that one...

:grin:
Click to expand...

Took me 3 drafts before I figured out the spacebar option!! :beer:

Rustom Irani said:
Can I please borrow your Demon TV, Kenneth? Also, does it have a remote?

I need to it support a few sound effects in my script.
Click to expand...

Absolutely! Though there's no remote. It's currently at the bottom of an ice covered lake.
 
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