Cheers Susanne, really appreciate you reading it and commenting. Also very glad you enjoyed it.
Candy - Noel Evans
- Thread starter Noel Evans
- Start date
GrizzlyGuy
Active member
Good script and story. I liked how you jumped right into the shoot-em-up action in the first scene.
Like the other commenters, I was a little surprised that she left her brother behind in the apartment. I expected her to come bursting back in through the door of the bathroom and gun down the thugs (or something like that).
The ending was great, I just wish it wasn't so sad. Was hoping that one of them would make it out alive. :crybaby:
One minor nit: I doubt that a .44 Magnum would fit inside a Toyota's glove box. That's a real big handgun. Then again, Candy probably knew that and had modified her glove box accordingly. :happy:
Like the other commenters, I was a little surprised that she left her brother behind in the apartment. I expected her to come bursting back in through the door of the bathroom and gun down the thugs (or something like that).
The ending was great, I just wish it wasn't so sad. Was hoping that one of them would make it out alive. :crybaby:
One minor nit: I doubt that a .44 Magnum would fit inside a Toyota's glove box. That's a real big handgun. Then again, Candy probably knew that and had modified her glove box accordingly. :happy:
Horncastle
Well-known member
Good story, well written. My main comments have already been made by others (leaving the brother and everyone being killed off at the end). I really liked the dream sequence, it was well put across and set up the whole situation very well. One little correction, in case you're going to show it to others: it should be "dining chair" (pages 2 & 4). Well done, I enjoyed it.
Jason
Jason
Couple of comments on the END in regards to them both dying, so Ill throw my rationale out there.
At an early age Candy's parents are both killed, her brother put into a vegetive state and she witnessed it all and then Vincenzzo does god only knows to her - all from my dream sequence.
Candy would have spent a life post that event in turmoil - well thankfully I cant imagine what her life would be like. Her brother is no longer the brother she knew, but he's all she's got - he is her world.
So when she kills Vincenzzo, but her brother is lying there dead but smiling - because a vegetive person doesnt smile, at this moment Candy sees this peace within her brother causing her to pause, this gives the sniper enough time to take her down. And when we see, as death takes her, she too finds the same thing as her brother.
She's exacted her revenge, her tasks are fulfilled. In death, theres no more pain.
I wrote this to be a complete story.
At an early age Candy's parents are both killed, her brother put into a vegetive state and she witnessed it all and then Vincenzzo does god only knows to her - all from my dream sequence.
Candy would have spent a life post that event in turmoil - well thankfully I cant imagine what her life would be like. Her brother is no longer the brother she knew, but he's all she's got - he is her world.
So when she kills Vincenzzo, but her brother is lying there dead but smiling - because a vegetive person doesnt smile, at this moment Candy sees this peace within her brother causing her to pause, this gives the sniper enough time to take her down. And when we see, as death takes her, she too finds the same thing as her brother.
She's exacted her revenge, her tasks are fulfilled. In death, theres no more pain.
I wrote this to be a complete story.
CallaghanFilms
Veteran
I caught that with your ending - and thought it quite the fulfilling close.
It reminded me of an A.I. ending (which ain't a bad thing to say the least).
Horncastle
Well-known member
Yes, it makes sense - I can see the rationale in that.
One other little detail I forgot to mention earlier: the Italian name is normally spelt "Vincenzo" with one "z". I actually looked up Vincenzzo (2 z's) on Google and I see it does exist but it's seems much rarer and generally a last name. I don't know if you spelt it with two for a particular reason, but as someone who lived in Italy many years, the difference did hit me so i thought I'd let you know.
Jason
jamiejay
Well-known member
I like a good revenge plot... especially with a kick-ass female. The brother-sister relationship established a much-needed softer side to Candy and supported her motivations. I think the ending provided a sense of closure. You could tell that she was satisfied and that she had accomplished her goal and now her entire family would be reunited again. Good work. 
themightyshrub
Active member
I really really loved this script. Unlike a lot of the others, it was a complete story, and I loved the ending, as it bought everything to a close perfectly.
There's just one thing I picked up on that hasn't been mentioned so far in this thread. At the end, I was REALLY confused about who Frank was. I then re-read it, and realised that he was both the man at the beginning, and the man who shot her mother in the flashback. Makes perfect sense, except that at no point in the script is his name actually mentioned in any dialogue, until the end. I think this is what caught me out a little, and if this was produced, I think it would confuse viewers even more - they can't see the character names on the script. It's a small gripe, but it might be worth putting his name in some dialogue in the flashback, just to make it clear that this is the man Vinchenzzo is talking about at the end.
To be honest, that was my only criticism, and it's pretty small. Definitely one of the best in the fest
There's just one thing I picked up on that hasn't been mentioned so far in this thread. At the end, I was REALLY confused about who Frank was. I then re-read it, and realised that he was both the man at the beginning, and the man who shot her mother in the flashback. Makes perfect sense, except that at no point in the script is his name actually mentioned in any dialogue, until the end. I think this is what caught me out a little, and if this was produced, I think it would confuse viewers even more - they can't see the character names on the script. It's a small gripe, but it might be worth putting his name in some dialogue in the flashback, just to make it clear that this is the man Vinchenzzo is talking about at the end.
To be honest, that was my only criticism, and it's pretty small. Definitely one of the best in the fest
alex whitmer
Veteran
Review of Candy
This …
mysterious eyes and hair
*Mysterious hair?
This …
The apartment is warm and cozy. It consists of a
living/bedroom room with a kitchenette attached and the
bathroom off to the side
*Also know as studio apartment. You can save all that explanation.
INT. STUDIO APARTMENT – NIGHT
Warm and cozy. The bathroom door is open. Candy fixes her hair. James, 26 …………
This …
Candy’s 26 year old brother
*How do we know it’s her brother? She could be babysitting.
This …
… further down the street
*Some authorities (like the Associated Press) insist on “farther” to refer to physical distance and on “further” to refer to an extent of time or degree, but others treat the two words as interchangeable except for insisting on “further” for “in addition,” and “moreover.” You’ll always be safe in making the distinction; some people get really testy about this.
This explanation courtesy of this fantastic site …
http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/errors.html#errors
Page 2
Both Italians.
*I’d mention that when you first intro them.
Actually …
In the kitchenette are two THUGS. Both about thirty and both dressed in black suits like clichés from a gangster movie. One sits on a chair at the table and sips coffee. He’s a thin man adorned with gold. The other sits on the edge of the table. He strums on a guitar. He’s overweight and has a moustache. A pistol rests on the table beside him. Both Italians.
*… can be trimmed to something like this …
In the kitchenette, two clichés left over from a gangster film: THIN THUG, 30s, Italian and dressed in a black suit and adorned in gold, sits at the table and sips coffee. LARGE THUG, 30s, Italian and also in a black suit, sits on the table’s edge and strums a guitar. A pistol rests on the table between them.
*69 words down to 59!
*Introduce your characters the way they will be referred to in the character heading and by other characters.
*Lastly, break the chunk of text up …
In the kitchenette, two clichés left over from a gangster film: THIN THUG, 30s, Italian and dressed in a black suit and adorned in gold, sits at the table and sips coffee.
LARGE THUG, 30s, Italian and also in a black suit, sits on the table’s edge and strums a guitar. A pistol rests on the table between them.
Like that. Makes it far more edible.
Page 3
Thin Thug eyes catch something
*Need a possessive here. Thin Thug’s eyes …
This …
He taps his partner
*I assume you mean Thin Thug?
This …
and points to her
*So the ‘something’ was Candy. Say Candy so it’s clear.
… and points to Candy.
Bottom of page four is one big block of text. Shoot for three lines, four max, five if you just gotta.
Page 5
manhole in the ceiling
*Manhole? In an apartment? Maybe skylight.
*Okay, so the ‘loving sister’ left her defenceless brother with the thugs?
This …
CANDY
(V.O.)
Gotta rest. Gotta get my head
right.
(V.O.) belongs to the right of the character heading.
Page 6
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - LATE AFTERNOON
I take it this is the flashback. Use FLASHBACK to start the scene/sequences.
This …
The parents look and smile at each other.
Stick to names. Let the action/dialogue show us who they are.
Page 9
Her right side falls
*Only her right side? Weird.
Page 10
James on the edge of the driveway, arms by his side. In his
right hand, the 44. His eyes look out somewhere into the
night.
*What? How did he get the 44? Vincenzzo released it. Nothing about him tossing it.
This …
A bullet flies past her head.
No bullets fired while she was running? Where was this sniper when James was getting the 44? You mentioned a man in silhouette. Man is he fired!
Well, a sad story, but touching and well told. Some inconsistencies that set all this up. I still don’t get why Candy left her brother behind other than some trauma she simply couldn’t shake and it messed with her reason and logic.
But I am guessing she got her revenge, and that’s what she came for.
Nice story. Thanks for sharing it.
a
This …
mysterious eyes and hair
*Mysterious hair?
This …
The apartment is warm and cozy. It consists of a
living/bedroom room with a kitchenette attached and the
bathroom off to the side
*Also know as studio apartment. You can save all that explanation.
INT. STUDIO APARTMENT – NIGHT
Warm and cozy. The bathroom door is open. Candy fixes her hair. James, 26 …………
This …
Candy’s 26 year old brother
*How do we know it’s her brother? She could be babysitting.
This …
… further down the street
*Some authorities (like the Associated Press) insist on “farther” to refer to physical distance and on “further” to refer to an extent of time or degree, but others treat the two words as interchangeable except for insisting on “further” for “in addition,” and “moreover.” You’ll always be safe in making the distinction; some people get really testy about this.
This explanation courtesy of this fantastic site …
http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/errors.html#errors
Page 2
Both Italians.
*I’d mention that when you first intro them.
Actually …
In the kitchenette are two THUGS. Both about thirty and both dressed in black suits like clichés from a gangster movie. One sits on a chair at the table and sips coffee. He’s a thin man adorned with gold. The other sits on the edge of the table. He strums on a guitar. He’s overweight and has a moustache. A pistol rests on the table beside him. Both Italians.
*… can be trimmed to something like this …
In the kitchenette, two clichés left over from a gangster film: THIN THUG, 30s, Italian and dressed in a black suit and adorned in gold, sits at the table and sips coffee. LARGE THUG, 30s, Italian and also in a black suit, sits on the table’s edge and strums a guitar. A pistol rests on the table between them.
*69 words down to 59!
*Introduce your characters the way they will be referred to in the character heading and by other characters.
*Lastly, break the chunk of text up …
In the kitchenette, two clichés left over from a gangster film: THIN THUG, 30s, Italian and dressed in a black suit and adorned in gold, sits at the table and sips coffee.
LARGE THUG, 30s, Italian and also in a black suit, sits on the table’s edge and strums a guitar. A pistol rests on the table between them.
Like that. Makes it far more edible.
Page 3
Thin Thug eyes catch something
*Need a possessive here. Thin Thug’s eyes …
This …
He taps his partner
*I assume you mean Thin Thug?
This …
and points to her
*So the ‘something’ was Candy. Say Candy so it’s clear.
… and points to Candy.
Bottom of page four is one big block of text. Shoot for three lines, four max, five if you just gotta.
Page 5
manhole in the ceiling
*Manhole? In an apartment? Maybe skylight.
*Okay, so the ‘loving sister’ left her defenceless brother with the thugs?
This …
CANDY
(V.O.)
Gotta rest. Gotta get my head
right.
(V.O.) belongs to the right of the character heading.
Page 6
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - LATE AFTERNOON
I take it this is the flashback. Use FLASHBACK to start the scene/sequences.
This …
The parents look and smile at each other.
Stick to names. Let the action/dialogue show us who they are.
Page 9
Her right side falls
*Only her right side? Weird.
Page 10
James on the edge of the driveway, arms by his side. In his
right hand, the 44. His eyes look out somewhere into the
night.
*What? How did he get the 44? Vincenzzo released it. Nothing about him tossing it.
This …
A bullet flies past her head.
No bullets fired while she was running? Where was this sniper when James was getting the 44? You mentioned a man in silhouette. Man is he fired!
Well, a sad story, but touching and well told. Some inconsistencies that set all this up. I still don’t get why Candy left her brother behind other than some trauma she simply couldn’t shake and it messed with her reason and logic.
But I am guessing she got her revenge, and that’s what she came for.
Nice story. Thanks for sharing it.
a
Nektonic
Veteran
Noel, I really enjoyed Candy. This script was action packed. That Candy, she really knows how to kick some. I was wondering if her last name was Kane? Maybe Candace Kane, and Candy for her street name.
Revenge stories are hard because they've been done so many times but if you can put an original stamp and style on the basic formula, then you will connect with a wide audience. I think you did that with this story.
My only suggestion would be to give this some breathing room in terms of some of the pacing. At times it felt a little to fast paced. Then again maybe I'm just getting old. You got everything in in 10 pages and maybe that is some of the reason. So I wouldn't dock points for that.
Also, it would be nice to have a little more development of the father/mayor's antagonistic relationship with the crime bosses. I understood what you were going for and what the crime bosses motivations were. Even though it is not the main plot, it would be nice to see that backstory developed a little bit more because it is interesting.
And this is just a suggestion. When Candy goes to take out the crime boss, instead of just driving up and getting out of her car to shoot the two goons; I think it would be neat and more believable if she speed towards them with her Toyota. The thugs maybe get off a few rounds before she plows into them with the car, maybe then smashing into the side of the mafioso's mansion or going through the front gate. Then she could get out and shoot up the place. So maybe pump some more action into the finale if you decide to expand the length of this.
A solid adrenaline pumping read. Very visual and would be great to see produced. I see this as being very vivid and colorful for some reason, but still with some grittiness and darkness as well.
Revenge stories are hard because they've been done so many times but if you can put an original stamp and style on the basic formula, then you will connect with a wide audience. I think you did that with this story.
My only suggestion would be to give this some breathing room in terms of some of the pacing. At times it felt a little to fast paced. Then again maybe I'm just getting old. You got everything in in 10 pages and maybe that is some of the reason. So I wouldn't dock points for that.
Also, it would be nice to have a little more development of the father/mayor's antagonistic relationship with the crime bosses. I understood what you were going for and what the crime bosses motivations were. Even though it is not the main plot, it would be nice to see that backstory developed a little bit more because it is interesting.
And this is just a suggestion. When Candy goes to take out the crime boss, instead of just driving up and getting out of her car to shoot the two goons; I think it would be neat and more believable if she speed towards them with her Toyota. The thugs maybe get off a few rounds before she plows into them with the car, maybe then smashing into the side of the mafioso's mansion or going through the front gate. Then she could get out and shoot up the place. So maybe pump some more action into the finale if you decide to expand the length of this.
A solid adrenaline pumping read. Very visual and would be great to see produced. I see this as being very vivid and colorful for some reason, but still with some grittiness and darkness as well.
Last edited:
pauly_the_hitman
Veteran
Great story I was drawn in immediately and loved the relational closeness that Candy had with James. Good job.
Pauly
Pauly
Dragging up old threads. Ill be looking to all this solid advice and feedback should the next fest be revengefest. Candy straight up for me would be the perfect candidate. Ive never shot a piece like this - and its time to get serious on the narrative side of life. Not that I dont like what I shoot in my day job, but thats not why I got into this.