Breakfast at Epiphany's

Yeah, I am trimming, tweaking, etc. on mine. Kind of bummed I was not able to get some actors together to read it before...
 
Not quite getting the '242 Vince is back'. Should be run for cover or offer up some fresh-brewed repartee?

a

ww.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com


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I am not thrilled with the premise. But I thought the characters brought life to it, and drew me in. I thought they, their dialog and actions were well written.

I understand what's going on, but not 100% sure the actions in the script add up to it.

I have a couple of questions the answers to which, might help:

When you say: "Bogart Woman," what does that mean? A woman who looks like Humphrey Bogart? Anne Bogart? A woman who takes your doobage? I might have taken it as a woman like those in a Bogart movie, like Bacall, but then you also had "30's woman," and a woman from a Bogart movie WOULD be a 30's woman. So I was confused by that.

Also, NASA SCOUT. Maybe I cannot let go of the realities to get it, but "NASA SCOUTS" or the people who seek candidates for the astronaut program, seek them almost exclusively from military pilots, usually highly decorated. Not random 20-yr old guys.

I guess maybe I would have bought it more if the "Bogart woman" was not a "NASA SCOUT," but just another person there to nudge him toward his own epiphany. OR, I might have bought it if he was some kind of pilot who was bored with his gig and could not muster the omph to dream about why he became a pilot in the first place. But a fuzzy bum in his 20's...I dunno, just don't buy it.

Or am I just not getting what's going on?

On a technical note, I think I would have had him try the door the first time, BEFORE the umbrella guy tells him he can't leave.
 
Best so far I've read. Had proper format, good dialogue, although Chang sounded like a southerner at times. A bit pretentious but otherwise excellent.
 
I may have to reread it. I thought he was an astronaut who lost oxygen momentarily and got sucked into this weird dream sequence at a cafe then had an epiphany.
 
It was a little bizarre but not in a bad way.
I did find that the ending was a bit odd though.

Still, I could visualize the story quite well thanks to your descriptions.
Nice work.
 
I like quirky and this had plenty of it. I liked the character descriptions, short but to the point. I got a real feel for them. I love this "a sod-buster smile" and this one...

CHANG THE BARTENDER, Asian, 50s, a haggard bare-knuckle
fighter who’s obviously never won

Your description of the setting paints a vivid picture as well. The dialogue sounded very authentic and I specifically like the conversation between John and Abner.
The only downside for me, I didn't get the ending at first. I went back and read the last two pages again before I got it, maybe I'm just slow.
Overall, I really enjoyed it.​


 
In the style of a very good critique I've recently read:

PAGE 1
"A Bogart-looking WOMAN"
Is this Bogart, Humphrey, or the shape-shifting closet creatures in Harry Potter? I don't fully understand the reference, and it conflicts with:
"A 30'S WOMAN"
who is from the same time period as Humphrey. Were these adjectives chosen to describe two different women and keep them similar, yet distinct? That's what I'm leaning towards now...
This...
"Prices subject to Chang"
I laughed.

PAGE 2
This...
"Chang melts from shadow, approaches Abner"
along with this from page 1
"CHANG THE BARTENDER... steps out of the shadow" and "He steps back into shadow"
Nothing to do with anything really, but does Chang have a "false start" epiphany when he serves drinks, or is it because following Chang around with a shadow would be too difficult to do on film, or something else?

PAGE 3
No need for comments, really. Clear, concise language that fully describes what is going on. Realistic, well-written dialog. Excellent.

PAGE 4
This...
"like a dog chasin' its own tail. He eventually gets hold." and "Not all dogs have tails"
Does the ugly dog have a tail?
More well-written action, another solid page.

PAGE 5
Was there a reason for John to try the door after he was told it wouldn't open? I completely understand the lack of trust John has for Abner, but I wonder if it would be a stronger action for John to try the door first.

PAGE 6
"the dancers head for the door"
Were they dancing in the background since page 4? Or did they disappear back into shadow after their leotards turned white? You don't explain that.

PAGE 7
"JOHN: Makin' a mistake don't make you a dumb ass
ABNER: Depends on the outcome."
Love it.
"... or build skyscrapers, or -- fly to the moon..."
Nice foreshadowing. Didn't catch that on the first read through.

PAGE 9 (as page 8 has the same comments as page 3)
"Day turns to night"
I thought the room was poorly lit, excluding the epiphonians. How can we tell?
Didn't really understand the purpose of Abner chasing Enigma, but it was a cute way to let her escape the bar and added another scene of pursuit.

PAGE 10
"Let's show them suits how a ramblin' man and his dog do outer space"
Cheesy, but good explanation of both their epiphanies
The last 2 lines of dialogue I don't care for, but they create a strong sense of closure. I really don't know what to do there.
"Bogart Woman's coat has NASA SCOUT embroidered on the back"
Wouldn't we have seen this already, or does she never have her back to the camera? Might be good to have her put on her coat at this point, so that dilemma won't exist.

Overall, it felt like a stageplay to me. One location, really snappy dialogue, good characters. If filmed well, I think it would be a great screenplay too. Sorry if my comments seem kinda nitpicky, there wasn't much that needed help. Based on sheer writing, it's spectacular. It gets cheesy at the end, but for what it's worth I didn't have a problem with that. It starts going into that cheese slide after Abner slams the pickle crock on John's head, so if you wanted to revamp then end, I'd start with that action.

Great work! I'm curious to know how much time went into this script, and how you got this idea. Best of luck to you!
 
Terrific script! Well written descriptions, memorable dialogue, oddball characters, and an ending I didn't see coming (in a good way). I think the only danger it runs is coming off as too quirky, quirky-for-quirk's-sake. Some of the background action almost fits into this category, but it does have a payoff in John's "Delusion of Picasso and meaningless Beat poetry" line. It also helps build this bar as its own little world where not everything has to make sense. Sure, there are no scouts for NASA, but that's an easy suspension-of-disbelief to make after witnessing ballet dancers and a future volleyball star.

The length is also just right. I like these kinds of stories a lot better when they're short.
 
LouiseG said:
I'm curious to know how much time went into this script, and how you got this idea.
Click to expand...

I really appreciate the read and comments. All great points.


I guess I put a good three weeks into it, with a few long days tweaking and retweaking (is that a word?).

The idea? Well, I wanted something that showed a multi-layered approach to pursuit, from the physical chase to other, more obscure edeavors such as the pursuit of happiness, truth, cash payments, and a cold beer.

The bar sorta represents that goals can be found in the most unexpected of places, and among the most unexpected people.

In a nutshell.

alex

www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com
 
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