Bastards with Badges and a Devil's Dying Deed

I'm with everyone when it comes to the title, the longer is the better.

This was very good. You do have elegant writing, your descriptions were the best I've read so far. I loved your characters, they were all really realistic. And your dialogue flowed really well. I agree that the supernatural gun was a little unnecessary, the saddle idea would have worked much better with the rest of the script, but that's a minor problem. I loved the rest of it. Great job.
 
I thought this was a good story. There were some things about it that bugged, though. I have to agree with those that have written about the ghost and the gun. Let's not have the ghost physically interact with him. My other problem is the age of the girl. This is a problem for production. It's a hard sell with the concerns of pedophilia. I think the story would be just as strong if you made the girl older, mid-to-late teens. She could be played by a young looking adult. This isn't really a prudish concern as much as it is a selling concern. People are going to be very uneasy watching the subject as it is...even though nothing is shown.

I know the actions of the posse with the girl were central to the plot but I found myself chuckling. Here is a posse in hot pursuit but not going to pass up the opportunity to "get some."

I liked your writing style and it was a good read.
 
Yeah I think I'll echoe those sentiments - of course you want to be gritty and hard hitting but social norms are different and they can take a point (while historically accurate for such a monster) might prove a 'distraction' to your story!

Sexual child abuse is not the distraction you want lol - not if the purpose bedind your heroes redemption is the rescuing of a young woman ;)

Likewise with the pistol as it kind of comfirms the supernatural prescence, where as leaving it otherwise lets the whole thing become a lot more psychological!
 
Hi there! Mmmm you write so well. But, there seems to be lotsa stuff about this 'real gun' in supernatural setting going on . Can I help? One way around it might be to leave out one villain playing dead - suddenly popping up his head to shoot the girl as Rider is on the point of death. Rider then sees the 'gun' actually real in his hand (hitherto only a shadowy ghostly outline) and plugs the baddy with a r-e-a-l bullet. One smacky-pop and he's dead, and you've solved the real/supernatural gun dilemma. NO you say!!! Mutter... mutter...
 
thanks for your thoughts guys.

i agree about the gun and i like some of the corrective suggestions mentioned. three or four lines of revision shouldn't be that difficult of a fix.

i also like the idea that he only thinks he has a second gun and realizes too late that he's only killed 6 of the 12. not sure how that would end though.

i respectfully disagree about the girl being too young. a mid to late teenage prostitute was nothing out of the ordinary in the 1800s. i think the main character really needs something extra despicable to cause him to set aside his selfishness. as for alienating or distracting the audience, "watchmen" and "gone baby gone" (to name a few recent examples) dealt with similar subject matter in a more graphic and gruesome way so i think i'm okay on that front...

however, trying to find a young native american actress whose parents would allow her to be in this? well, wish me luck, lol.

:Drogar-BigGrin(DBG)
 
arroway,

I've only read three scripts, but so far this is hands down the front runner. Really enjoyed the story and was engaged from start to finish. The descriptive writing style definitely helped me visualize exactly what you have in mind (something I need to work on).

Personally I didn't have a problem with the age of the girl or the gun from the ghost. Establishing early in the story that he was talking to a ghost allowed me to accept that he could receive a gun from him, especially since he didn't hand it to him which led be to believe the ghost was abiding by some rule of the dead-undead relationship. Since ghosts clearly don't exist in real life, but do in this story I quickly accepted that and the new rules in the world of this story.

I really don't have anything negative to say. Good job.
 
I loved this story. I really did! I agree as everyone else about the supernatural thing, but I agree with you about the age of the girl.

I felt perhaps it was a bit overwritten at the first page. I just felt it started a bit slow.

Also, and I`ve said this about other flashbacks, (Im not a fan of flashbacks :P) but I felt it was unnessecery. I think it would be cool if you didn`t see that he left his friend, because I agree that it was the right thing for him to do, and it doesn`t really make him a bad person.
If you just leave the dialogue and cut the flashback, we will wonder what happened, and I like to think for myself when I watch films. Not get everything jammed down my throat (not that that`s what happens here)

But all in all I think this is one of the best scripts I`ve read so far! Great job!
 
YEah! I was totally drawn into this world you created. I could see the whole thing in my mind, and the writing always kept me engaged, eager for the next line.
The ending is not really a surprise, but it feels so good, especially after everything we go through with the rider and the girl. There's a wish they he do the "right thing" and it pays off. I'll definitely be reading this one again.
Superb!
 
I liked the harsh, realism of this story. You're descriptions are good and the action is written well.

I think the age of the girl works well for this story as far as the outrage of the abuse, I've got no problem there. My only nitpick with the age is the job she does to fix the rider up, thats some serious first aid for an eleven year old girl, even given that she may have done it to herself once.

I thought the two main characters were well developed and I was interested to see what was going to happen to them. The dialogue was well written between the two of them.

I enjoyed his monlogue before he begins the gunfight with the posse, but on the other hand its seems a little out of place for his character. He never struck me as a long winded guy.

You didn't get overly sentimental in the end and it really wrapped the story up nicely.
This was a really good piece of writing and I enjoyed it from beginning to end.
 
I liked this one alot. But what happened to the title?? It's comeuppance now?

Anyway, the story of Alaqua is very real in it's brutality. You really make the reader feel for her from the first moment you meet her.

I do like the character of the Rider. But I do agree that a little more could've been done to make him seem like a guy with a truly bad past who actually feels emotion for the first time in his life when he sees what happens to Alaqua. The way I read it he seems like a decent guy who just went down the wrong path. And making him seem worse would make the ending stronger where he tells Alaqua to avoid men like him.

It was a good read though and I dug the ending, especially the "Sprinkling sugar on a turd don't make it a cake" line. I like how he had a chance to ride away clean but would rather sacrafice his life to do something good rather than keep on living being bad. That was meaningful.

Good job man!
 
thanks for the thoughts, guys. i appreciate it.

i think i agree that the rider should be painted a little bit more evil. maybe he shoots his partner so he doesn't have to split the money from the bank heist? or what if he alludes to a history of being a scalp hunter? that was probably the most despicable bit of business a man could have gotten into in the old west...
 
I loved this, definately is one of my favs now. You really set a tone and mood in only two pages. Great stuff.

I think the bad guy is bad enough, no need for us to completely hate him. Oh, and if the girl is any less than 15 you would have a problem, but I think 16 is young enough to defend and still not be creepy.

Good Job.
 
The opening on this one had me glued to the script. It really sucks you into the action right away and it never lost my attention. I think this was a great example of the perfect blend of the descriptive yet short action blocks. Outside of agreeing that girl's age is very disturbing for what she is going through this story would show up on film really well. I liked the gun from a ghost part but that type of twist is totally my thing so I can see where others might not agree. I guess you can sort of find a compromise on it and have the ghost point out an ammunition depot or something but I really like it the way it is.
 
This was a great, well paced Western. Would make Elmore Leonard proud.

I'd have preferred for Alaqua to be slightly older but the bleakness of the fictional reality will and does strike the audience hard, so it works in your favor.

Love the fact that you let the violence occur off screen. And the two monologues are just right.

The Face-off/shoot-out is something I'd want to witness like the one in "Unforgiven" and I wish you had room for it.

My favorite so far. True to form and genre.

All the ebst.
 
Its gritty, its bleak, and its a damn good western.

Please though don't use "we see" it ruins the flow of the story when you directly reference the audience,
we can see he wears a beard white with age, his face showing a webwork of wrinkles befitting a man with half a century behind him.
Click to expand...

Maybe instead try "the firelight reveals..." or "he wears a beard white with age, prominent in the firelight..."

I was enamored with this all the way through, its some great work. :thumbsup:
 
notes as i read:

good start; nice description of the landscape and the RIDER.

wow he has quick hands, especially for someone who's weak and bloody. to catch a diamondback mid-strike is awesome, because i thought he was a gone-er for sure.

SEBASTIAN is beating a little girl... violent but intriguing. but who is he? all we get is "(30's)".

he's cooking the snake - nice! also, he now looks like Clint E. to me, haha.

he looks back at the knife and realizes... what? she's getting him whiskey for the wound? might consider leaving that word out. idk.

a DEAD MAN? what's going on?

ok, a ghost. got it.

i like how the Rider keeps saying "well goddamnit." it's his catchphrase, i guess.

TECH POINT: you don't need a new scene heading (EXT. DESERT HORIZON - NIGHT) when the Rider screams in pain. skip that and just let the action flow.

"excavated bullets" - nice.

not a good day for the little girl.

the ghost had a gun!? ok, why not... :)

"well goddamnit." haha awesome.

11-on-one odds... this is going to be good.

-------

wow, nice script; i enjoyed reading it. the title is cool, but it gave away the ending. no big deal there, but just my opinion.

EDIT: looks like you changed the title.. i really like "Comeuppance".
 
well goddamnit... it's one of my favorites in the fest. loved it. very poetic writing, by the way... great alliteration, assonance, and rhythm. it made it nice to read and it counteracted the gritty mood of the story perfectly. nothing i would have changed at all. ;)

jamie
 
I have to agree with the few that that suggested the girl might be too young. Granted this sort of thing would have happened, and still is today, and even to much younger girls, but I think your portrayal of it was a bit graphic. I think you could be a bit more suggestive rather than demostrative as the sounds coming from the sex act are a bit unecsssary and heading into a dangerous area.

This seems a bit unusual as I'm not overly prudish but it did worry me as peodophelia is such a social no-no and I did think it might ruin any aspirations you had with the life of this otherwise well written script.

I know you already disagreed with this sentiment but I need to give an honest appraisal.
 
"graphic" audio? kind of seems like an oxymoron...

thank you for your thoughts regardless. definitely something to ponder.
 
arroway said:
"graphic" audio? kind of seems like an oxymoron...
Click to expand...

ha ha you're right. you seem to get my drift though.

cheers - I'll be keeping an eye out to see how well your script does regardless of my feelings it's fairly well told!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top