Aranaea's Revenge

xxrotinivol2

xxrotinivol2

Active member
ARANAEA'S REVENGE

Logline: She spews spiders and deadly venom. He kidnaps and dresses up little doggies. This is a puppy that won't end pretty.
 
It seemed totally odd to me.


Spoiler alert...





Not sure what the spiders and dogs had to do with one another. It almost seemed like you created the dog dude (very Wild Bill, from Silence of the Lambs to me) as a human monster, but then the rules changed so you dropped in another monster. Your logline/pitch made me think we you were going to deal with the dog dude as a kidnapper who nabs what he thinks is a victim, but turns out to be a monster. Good showing.
 
The poodle sits alone in the corn, abandoned, sad, confused.
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It's at this point for me that the protagonist becomes irreconcilably unsympathetic. I hope that's your intention. I hope you have a grisly, gruesome death in store for him.

ARANAEA, eyes red, towers over GEORGE ST. CLAIR, her stiletto
heel poking him in his sternum.
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So Aranaea is a human female with red eyes? I'm a little lost here.

Hundreds of beakers with multi-colored liquid are smoking,
bubbling, and popping.
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Nice.

Black Recluse
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Should be "brown".

St. Clair is in his seventies,
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It seems strange to mention this two action blocks after he's introduced (and we still don't know how old Aranaea is).

GORDON
A pleasure as always.
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Gordon's voice doesn't seem very consistent at times. He can sound mentally challenged one page and then aristocratically prim and proper the next.

I liked the idea of this -- an animal torturer getting his just-desserts. I was glad he died in a terrible fashion and I liked the little zinger ending and the idea of a bestiality-pedophile is suitably disgusting but I found the majority of the story incomprehensible.
 
Hi xx, thanks for the read.

I really liked some areas of this script, like the two main characters, Gordon and Aranaea, both complex and interesting. The spiders, the dogs all good things in theis script.
But, I got a little confused through it. She kills her creator, for no apparent reason, which makes her monsterous, but then goes around saving dogs??? She listens to her creator to kill this guy, like a monster superhero. And then she gets a text message to kill some other dog mistreater... Who sends it???

Overall, an interesting read, but could do with some work to make the morives of characters less confusing.
 
It was a good concept and Gordon is certainly sinister, a great creep.

I'm confused though. What did Aranaea want revenge for? Why did she kill her creator? What was with the spiders? Why is she stopping people who do bad things to dogs? The script creates a lot of questions and I just don't think I understood enough of what was going on, I need a bit more details in motives and plot details.
 
Thanks for all your comments. Wanted to keep Aranaea's motives a mystery: she is a force of nature, her part-human, part-spider thing naturally has her pissed off that her non-human counterparts are being abused.
 
This was a fun and entertaining little script. I hope you're planning on shooting it. I'd love to see how it turns out.
 
So, here's the silliest nitpick of the whole Fest: A '72 Cutlass would have been made by Oldsmobile. Chevy's version was the Monte Carlo. :)

I am not 100% a disciple of the currently popular theory that a script shouldn't contain any information, under any circumstances, that the audience doesn't already know. However, I would say that describing a character we've only just met as "wearing what she always wears" is a little odd.

You have a lot of problems with homonyms. Aranaea would pull a vial of lotion from her cleavage, not a "vile." The poison she produces earlier would presumably be from the bowels of hell, not the "biles."

I can understand your explanation that, as some sort of human/spider hybrid, she might have a certain sensitivity to animal abuse (although why would a spider be pissed off about dogs?). That doesn't quite explain the V.O. from her creator about Gordon, or who sends her the text at the end.

On the plus side, Gordon is definitely a "pet-a-phile," and on some level I don't care about motivation as long as he dies horribly. :)
 
Techincal - the first few action paragraphs could have been said with less words, get to the point quicker.

...in a manner of disgusting wrench... I am not sure what this is doing inside a parenthetical?

I don't think a poodle can saunter.

Your next set of action paragraphs and the lavatory again are overdone, keep it simple and to the point.

Why is goo always green? Why? Why? Why?

Going straight to content: I got really confused, there was so much description like prose and so much going on that I couldn't get a clear story or a visual story in my head. I don't know what spiders had to do with the dogs?

I don't understand much of the story how he survived the first attack or was that an attack?

I dunno, I think this was one that had too many things going on at once without a clear definition of motive or understanding of the situation.
 
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