Another Man's Dame

I was mentioning to someone in PM about perception a couple of days ago. Seems theres a few here that thought the spanking fit (me included) and others that didnt. Not saying either side is right or wrong, just noting.
 
themightyshrub said:
There were some really nice moments in this script, and I liked the idea, but some of it really didn't make any sense to me.

I don't understand why she had to go back to 1942 to get a man to take her back to where she came from. Also, if he was a 1942 man, how come he was so unsurprised with all the "time refugees"?

Also, when she hands him the photograph, he says "nice bit of skirt". Surely he wouldn't describe a car like that. I get that it was written this way in order to disguise the fact she was looking for her car, but it doesn't really make sense to me.

I really don't understand the spanking bit. It seemed unnecessary, and very un-noir. They seemed like perfectly formed 40's characters until that point. If it was meant to be some kind of non monetary payment for whatever it was he did for her, then maybe a lingering kiss would have worked better.

I think the concept could have done with a little more explaining to me, because some of it got me quite confused.

However - I love your dialogue! Reminds me of the dialogue in my entry, we must watch the same noir's! And I liked the twist. One of the few short script twists I didn't guess until it happened. I also liked the house appearing - it made me laugh, and reminded me of the Wizard of Oz (one of my favourite films):thumbup:
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Thank you for the read, Heather.

She got to '42 by accident and didn't know how to get back to 2030 to rescue the car. She's from 2050 something or other. Truman mentioned 'a lot of time refugees' so he was used to it.

I used the fem referance for the car because so many peole give their cars feminine names.

She traded a spanking for the detective's time. She got to '42 with just a sad story, no cash. Somehow the spanking seemed more in tune with the sexuall undertones of noir.

Yeah, I love the old gumshoe stuff, and yes I did think of Oz when writing the final scene. Also one of my faves, but man it's been years since I have seen it.

I can tell a lot of details are fuzzy. I was trying to compress this to 6 pages instead of using all ten alotted. Rats!

aw
 
MiataFilmSomething said:
I really like the concept of not just time jumping, but the fact that so many people are doing it. The possibilities are endless. You've created a great world to play in.

Loved the initial opening scene with the hiring of Truman, great visual writing, I felt like I was in the office with them.

The second half kinda fell out for me though. I thought the spank and the end result just didn't make a lot of sense, and some element seemed to be missing that was in the first half.

Overall though, solid writing and a great concept.
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Appreciate the read.

I did struggle more with the second half. The opening came really easy, but then it got tougher. I will revisit after the fest and clean it up.

Thank you for the comments, glad enjoyed it regardless of a few shortcomings.

Alex
 
Redcloak said:
Hey Alex, I'm going to stick you on it though, since it's also the title!

I see that there's the other guy that gambles away the Isetta... But if the Isetta is actually the 'Dame' (confusing!) then isn't it belonging to a woman and not 'Another man'?
And if the 'Dame' in question is Kassandra, then again who is 'Another man' if she also is in love with a dame. I know it screws with the quote 'another man's gain' but it got me in a twist, since it should be 'One man's loss is another dame's dame' and I had to reread some just to see if there wasn't another man in there somewhere that I'd missed.

Maybe I'm being real dense on it, for which I apologise. Like, it's the most minor point I guess, but since it was the title I assumed there was significance in it, and as you come across like a very intelligent writer I was trying to work out how I was being so stupid not to see it...
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Hmm, definitley some mix up here.

A man - we don't really know his relationship to Kassandra - bet away her Isetta. The 'other Dame' is the Isetta. Not as psycopathic as Chritine, but some of us love out cars more than we love other people. Kassandra's car was her 'girl'.

Kassandra killed the guy for losing her car. His loss. Now Kassandra is 'on the market', and thus the title. Maybe it settled on it too fast.

I thank you for the kind comments and inquiry.

alex
 
GrizzlyGuy said:
Nice job Alex, very creative. It was a great quick read and the story was paced well. I had some of the same questions as gahlied when I first read it. Now that I've read your answers, I like the story even more!
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Thanks Griz,

I enjoyed writing it, but can see there are some details that need a seeing to.

I'm glad you liked the story.

Alex
 
conlanforever said:
Quick fun read. Paced well. You always create an interesting world. I liked the characters and the old school dialogue. You really nailed the feel of the genre.

The twist at the end, I didn't see it coming , but it felt a little familiar. Not sure why, maybe I was expecting more. I was fine with the spanking and I really liked the house dropping out of the sky.
Your stuff is always superbly written. Nice job .
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Much thanks, Conlan.

Maybe the house is familiar from Oz?

Kind comments, and glad you enjoyed it.

a
 
lawriejaffa said:
Oh yeah the spanking is the best bit (ok i need to get out more) it was sexy and added the slightest hint of pastiche/tongue in cheek to the whole thing! As does the adorable little car ;)
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I wanted something sexy, like old noir hinted at but rarely carried through. It had to have a sense of that ambiguous sultryness with out feeling 'dirty'.

Somehow spanking seemed right. I thought it would be fun to write the 'negotiaion' but having it come out of the blue felt better (that's what she said)!

Thank you again for the read.

a
 
jamiejay said:
i thought you would concoct a new and intriguing world and you didn't disappoint.

your writing style, voice, dialogue, and mood are always spot on.

i definitely didn't expect the twist and i, too, was wondering if maybe i missed something concerning the spanking. i will need to read it through again.

very unique idea to do a futuristic piece in the 40's noir style.

glad you entered. :)
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Hey Jamie,

Certainly appreciate your read and comments!

It's funny, the future thing just kinda 'transported' itself into the script. It started out quite different, and that little element seemd to clinch the story for me.

I am waaaay behind on reciprocating due to a mega-busy weekend, but will get to it by Monday. Can't wait to read yours. Lot of very positive comments.

a
 
alex whitmer said:
I used the fem referance for the car because so many peole give their cars feminine names.
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I get how some people call their cars by feminine names, but surely if he doesn't even think it counts as a car, would his first response really be to call it a nice piece of skirt? I know I'm being quite picky here, but it really seems like an odd line to me.

Don't take any of this the wrong way though, I really enjoyed the script - good read!
 
Alex, this script is a lot of fun. Some great comedic moments, like the trash can catching fire. It's all very noir, over the top, and entertaining.

I had trouble figuring out all the time period confusion at the beginning. Since she's in old fashioned clothes, it seems like she's from the past. And then it says he has to drive her back to 2030 which makes it sound like they're coming from even further in the future. And we don't know when he's from until we flash back.

I guess I just think we need some more clarity right at the front. Superimposed title cards for 2030 and 1942 might help for such a time specific story.

Good work, as always.
 
Hey Alex,

Good dialog. The story was quite creative for noir. It took me awhile to get exactly what was going on, but after reading twice it became more clear. It feels like a piece of a larger story. That is my only negative toward the script as a short.
 
Congratulations on taking on the most challenging storyline in the fest. Of course, as winner of the last one that's the way it should be. :D

The descriptions and dialogue were great. Unfortunately though there were a few little things that really stuck out. They've been covered by others, but I'll add my comments on two of them: the "nice piece of skirt" to describe the car - I know that Truman might well have referred to a car as a she or given it a female name, but in this case I think it was going a bit far and sounded forced. It sounded like a comment that was needed for the plot (to keep the reader thinking that Kassandra had a female lover) rather than natural dialogue. The spanking -

alex whitmer said:
I wanted something sexy, like old noir hinted at but rarely carried through. It had to have a sense of that ambiguous sultryness with out feeling 'dirty'.
Click to expand...

I'm not sure it's wrong in itself, but I don't think it came across well. It was just a bit too coy. I think that if you want to leave it, you should grab it a little more by the neck and shake it (if that makes any sense).

Final point - I loved the house falling at the end. It made me laugh and really put the finishing touch to the whole tone of the script.
Jason
 
Brandon Rice said:
Hey Alex,

Good dialog. The story was quite creative for noir. It took me awhile to get exactly what was going on, but after reading twice it became more clear. It feels like a piece of a larger story. That is my only negative toward the script as a short.
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Thanks Brandon,

I think I need to really clear up the times stuff. I was trying to avoid 'super' for the dates, but maybe it might help.

Glad you enjoyed it,

aw
 
Horncastle said:
Congratulations on taking on the most challenging storyline in the fest. Of course, as winner of the last one that's the way it should be. :D

The descriptions and dialogue were great. Unfortunately though there were a few little things that really stuck out. They've been covered by others, but I'll add my comments on two of them: the "nice piece of skirt" to describe the car - I know that Truman might well have referred to a car as a she or given it a female name, but in this case I think it was going a bit far and sounded forced. It sounded like a comment that was needed for the plot (to keep the reader thinking that Kassandra had a female lover) rather than natural dialogue. The spanking -



I'm not sure it's wrong in itself, but I don't think it came across well. It was just a bit too coy. I think that if you want to leave it, you should grab it a little more by the neck and shake it (if that makes any sense).

Final point - I loved the house falling at the end. It made me laugh and really put the finishing touch to the whole tone of the script.
Jason
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I definately need to rework the 'hell of a skirt' line. Maybe 'quite a looker' or something like that, still hiding she's trying to find her beloved car.

I first toyed with truman turning Kassndra over his knee and really spanking her, like you say, grab the scene by the neck. I might go that route.

Thank you for reading!

How are things in Berlin thses days? There is an actress there reading this for possible production. We'll see if it pans out.

aw
 
jasonthewho said:
Alex, this script is a lot of fun. Some great comedic moments, like the trash can catching fire. It's all very noir, over the top, and entertaining.

I had trouble figuring out all the time period confusion at the beginning. Since she's in old fashioned clothes, it seems like she's from the past. And then it says he has to drive her back to 2030 which makes it sound like they're coming from even further in the future. And we don't know when he's from until we flash back.

I guess I just think we need some more clarity right at the front. Superimposed title cards for 2030 and 1942 might help for such a time specific story.

Good work, as always.
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Thanks for the read, Jason

Fir sure I need to fix the whole time/dates thing. She's from 2050-ish tryin to go back to rescue her car (I need to changer her age, doesn't add up), and she went too far. I see where it's getty all catywumpus.

Glad you enjoyed it.

aw
 
hey Alex...

i just read your script for the third time, so a lot of my initial thoughts are long gone.. but that's ok, because they've been covered here in the thread already.

i really like the premise for your story - time-travel as commonplace (well, almost). people getting all turned around and ending up centuries off from where they're trying to go is funny! there are sooo many story possibilities for this idea. and then you throw cars, houses and other belongings into the mix and you get, well, big stuff falling from the sky. awesome. ok, i'm rambling a bit...

your writing style (as i hoped/expected) is enjoyable to read. i know you take pride in how a script looks and sounds, and it shows. i do wish you would have used more of your remaining pages (i think you were 6 out of 10?). no biggie though.

you mentioned the original idea was much different - with no time-travel/future stuff.. (if you don't mind) what did you have in mind? i'm just curious; not tryin' to get you to throw out story ideas for us to gobble up.

trash can on fire was funny, as was the spanking and the canary. a lot of (Kassandra's) character in just those three elements...

overall, i really enjoyed "Another Man's Dame", and i'm anxious to read your next entry. cheers! :beer:
 
A few confusing parts (already noted), but it still seemed to make sense in its own quirky way. The dialogue was the best. Very visual writing, as usual. Great read, Alex.
 
Hi Alex,

I had to read your script twice and also to speak with Jason about it to understand it. Once I get it, I found it is a very nice story. You visualized very well the characters, so I could perfectly imagine them. I also like the dialogs - not only the quality, also the quantity. The story gave me the atmosphere to be in one of this old films from the 50's, mixed up with details which are not from the 50's, which made the story intriguing. I have a little bit the idea, that you like the work of Woody Allen!? :)
The only thing is, that the story was a little confusing for me (maybe my English isn't enough), so I couldn't really follow it and thought that maybe there was to much to interpret in it. Above all, very enjoyable. :thumbup:

Susanne :bath:

PS: How did you find the idea to use an 'Isetta'?
 
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Susanne G. said:
Hi Alex,

I had to read your script twice and also to speak with Jason about it to understand it. Once I get it, I found it is a very nice story. You visualized very well the characters, so I could perfectly imagine them. I also like the dialogs - not only the quality, also the quantity. The story gave me the atmosphere to be in one of this old films from the 50's, mixed up with details which are not from the 50's, which made the story intriguing. I have a little bit the idea, that you like the work of Woody Allen!? :)
The only thing is, that the story was a little confusing for me (maybe my English isn't enough), so I couldn't really follow it and thought that maybe there was to much to interpret in it. Above all, very enjoyable. :thumbup:

Susanne :bath:

PS: How did you find the idea to use an 'Isetta'?
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Hi Susanne,

Thank you for the read. Good comments.

If all goes well, this will film in Berlin!! Working those details now!

The Isetta is my favorite little car in the world. I was struggling with this script and the idea really came out of nowhere. In the original draft, Annabel was a woman, but it felt so cliché, and I was about to toss the thing when Isetta just popped into my head, and there is the not so elegant truth!!!

alex
 
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