Another Man's Dame

alex whitmer said:
By loose definition! I still say it's a chick magnet.
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I love you car....take me for a ride!

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:beer:
 
:beer:Cheers for telling a short and sweet but still complete narrative.

I dig the vibe I get from the twisted world(s) you tell tale of.


***SPOILER ALERT***
Favorite Line:
"Of all the decade, in all the centuries, in all the world, she transported into mine."
(As this world's greatest Casablanca fan, I especially appreciated the homage)
 
Nice job Alex. Solid construction and formatting (as expected).

Swift read (always a good sign).

Some more tension would have been nice - but you nailed the theme/genre perfectly. The voice over really helped capture this (especially in the intro).

Using fricken in the start kind of surprised me.
 
Absolutely charming Alex, I found it delightfuly and amusing - and sexy too!

It was an excellent homage and you combined it with a science fiction setting also - very effectively (goodness knows I would have balked attempting that!)

The dialogue was yummy and and overall an excellent piece. Well done!
 
You have such a good style, and you always feel in command of the script. Perhaps why I find it a little disappointing. I definitely smile at the house dropping image at the end, but I feel it sums up the whole thing a little: the rules of the world are arbitrary, and for that reason I don't really connect to it. I feel it drifts past me without hooking me on anything.

You're a good writer, so I hope you'll forgive my saying that.

And the only two queries I have:

'If her story was square, we didn't have much time' just confused me, it seems like the world is set up so that they can time travel however they please, maybe I'm wrong, it just made me beg the question.

And I don't quite understand 'another man's dame'. Whatever the analogy I can't make it fit with the fact it's a two dame gig... Unless it's ironic, in which case it's a misfire imo.
 
Lovely to read and the setting is brilliant. Though that might be the problem for me though. It hides that there seems to be too little story.

A few queries:
1. I don't get what she hires him for, unless it's to drive to the granary because she seems to know where to go.

2. I also kept worrying about the canary in the snowy weather. Doesn't it get cold? I know very little about canaries and even less about snow so my worry could be unnecessary. Does she use the canary to find the Isetta?

3. The spanking kinda threw me out of the story (I didn't mind too much). But that's me being a guy and I find it hard to read that part objectively. It did seem crude though, compared to the rest of the script. (Did I say I didn't mind?)

4. The house falling also threw me a bit the first time I read it. I would have something smaller arrive at another point in the script to foreshadow it. Though after rereading I saw how the narrator foreshadowed the house, I thought maybe something visual would be better.

Great writing, characters and environment, but I still feel the story is a touch thin even though I enjoyed reading it very much. You could write ingredients on rice cake packets and I'd probably still love reading it.
 
There were some really nice moments in this script, and I liked the idea, but some of it really didn't make any sense to me.

I don't understand why she had to go back to 1942 to get a man to take her back to where she came from. Also, if he was a 1942 man, how come he was so unsurprised with all the "time refugees"?

Also, when she hands him the photograph, he says "nice bit of skirt". Surely he wouldn't describe a car like that. I get that it was written this way in order to disguise the fact she was looking for her car, but it doesn't really make sense to me.

I really don't understand the spanking bit. It seemed unnecessary, and very un-noir. They seemed like perfectly formed 40's characters until that point. If it was meant to be some kind of non monetary payment for whatever it was he did for her, then maybe a lingering kiss would have worked better.

I think the concept could have done with a little more explaining to me, because some of it got me quite confused.

However - I love your dialogue! Reminds me of the dialogue in my entry, we must watch the same noir's! And I liked the twist. One of the few short script twists I didn't guess until it happened. I also liked the house appearing - it made me laugh, and reminded me of the Wizard of Oz (one of my favourite films):thumbup:
 
ghalied said:
Lovely to read and the setting is brilliant. Though that might be the problem for me though. It hides that there seems to be too little story.

A few queries:
1. I don't get what she hires him for, unless it's to drive to the granary because she seems to know where to go.

2. I also kept worrying about the canary in the snowy weather. Doesn't it get cold? I know very little about canaries and even less about snow so my worry could be unnecessary. Does she use the canary to find the Isetta?

3. The spanking kinda threw me out of the story (I didn't mind too much). But that's me being a guy and I find it hard to read that part objectively. It did seem crude though, compared to the rest of the script. (Did I say I didn't mind?)

4. The house falling also threw me a bit the first time I read it. I would have something smaller arrive at another point in the script to foreshadow it. Though after rereading I saw how the narrator foreshadowed the house, I thought maybe something visual would be better.

Great writing, characters and environment, but I still feel the story is a touch thin even though I enjoyed reading it very much. You could write ingredients on rice cake packets and I'd probably still love reading it.
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1. Well the idea is she's kinda turned around, ends up in '42 instead of 2030. She's not sure how to get back. I tried to reinforce that notion with her reappearing and then vanishing again in another direction.

2. Canary is just there for personality fluff. Yeah, probobly wouldn't survive the cold.

3. She got to '42 with just a sad story. No cash. They worked out a deal!

4. I thought that might need more of a set up.

Really appreciate the read!

a
 
Redcloak said:
You have such a good style, and you always feel in command of the script. Perhaps why I find it a little disappointing. I definitely smile at the house dropping image at the end, but I feel it sums up the whole thing a little: the rules of the world are arbitrary, and for that reason I don't really connect to it. I feel it drifts past me without hooking me on anything.

You're a good writer, so I hope you'll forgive my saying that.

And the only two queries I have:

'If her story was square, we didn't have much time' just confused me, it seems like the world is set up so that they can time travel however they please, maybe I'm wrong, it just made me beg the question.

And I don't quite understand 'another man's dame'. Whatever the analogy I can't make it fit with the fact it's a two dame gig... Unless it's ironic, in which case it's a misfire imo.
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Good point on first query. I am trying to think of a really good excuse!

Truman makes a referance to 'the mug who bet away her buggy', which was to supposed to allude to a significant other that gambles awy her Isetta. So she killed him. and now she available.

Thank you reading and commenting. Great points.

aw
 
I really like the concept of not just time jumping, but the fact that so many people are doing it. The possibilities are endless. You've created a great world to play in.

Loved the initial opening scene with the hiring of Truman, great visual writing, I felt like I was in the office with them.

The second half kinda fell out for me though. I thought the spank and the end result just didn't make a lot of sense, and some element seemed to be missing that was in the first half.

Overall though, solid writing and a great concept.
 
Hey Alex, I'm going to stick you on it though, since it's also the title!

I see that there's the other guy that gambles away the Isetta... But if the Isetta is actually the 'Dame' (confusing!) then isn't it belonging to a woman and not 'Another man'?
And if the 'Dame' in question is Kassandra, then again who is 'Another man' if she also is in love with a dame. I know it screws with the quote 'another man's gain' but it got me in a twist, since it should be 'One man's loss is another dame's dame' and I had to reread some just to see if there wasn't another man in there somewhere that I'd missed.

Maybe I'm being real dense on it, for which I apologise. Like, it's the most minor point I guess, but since it was the title I assumed there was significance in it, and as you come across like a very intelligent writer I was trying to work out how I was being so stupid not to see it...
 
Nice job Alex, very creative. It was a great quick read and the story was paced well. I had some of the same questions as gahlied when I first read it. Now that I've read your answers, I like the story even more!
 
Quick fun read. Paced well. You always create an interesting world. I liked the characters and the old school dialogue. You really nailed the feel of the genre.

The twist at the end, I didn't see it coming , but it felt a little familiar. Not sure why, maybe I was expecting more. I was fine with the spanking and I really liked the house dropping out of the sky.
Your stuff is always superbly written. Nice job .
 
Oh yeah the spanking is the best bit (ok i need to get out more) it was sexy and added the slightest hint of pastiche/tongue in cheek to the whole thing! As does the adorable little car ;)
 
i thought you would concoct a new and intriguing world and you didn't disappoint.

your writing style, voice, dialogue, and mood are always spot on.

i definitely didn't expect the twist and i, too, was wondering if maybe i missed something concerning the spanking. i will need to read it through again.

very unique idea to do a futuristic piece in the 40's noir style.

glad you entered. :)
 
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