Alive by Sarah Daly

Since we're disingh out marks here sunk, I think out of 10, i'd give your 'review' a 2 ;) .. i'll happily elaborate upon that alongside with feedback for this script and others so :) Don't worry folks im here to join the fest's feedback squad!
 
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Dear Sunk99, I'm sorry to hear that your poetic license has been rebuked but I've still got mine. :p

I apologise too that Final Draft, the world's most popular screenwriting program has formatted my script in a way that displeases you.

Stars can't look? Nawww! Clouds can't wander either but that didn't stop Wordsworth.

Re: 'It's dark how can we see anything?' Has nobody ever seen a scene in a movie where it's supposed to be pitch black where it actually IS pitch black?! Movie darkness is not the same as actual darkness. The audience has accepted this for many years and will for many more.

Perhaps you missed the fact that she is immortal? She doesn't die. That is the second plot point - that is the resolution. If you missed that then I understand how you didn't see it was a complete story but I wonder how you managed to miss that? Perhaps I was too subtle and should have hammered the point home with a blunter instrument. The arc is in our understanding of her situation - in how it is revealed that she will be buried forever, and that there is a fate even worse than death. It's supposed to make you think about your own fear of mortality, which I assume most humans, being human have, and perhaps make you reconsider whether you'd truly like to live forever. But I guess thinking about such grand ideas isn't everyone's bag.

And can I just ask - WHY are scriptwriters such b*stards to each other? We should be helping each other not hammering each other over the head with egotistical pedantry and petty one-up-man-ship. Directors don't give a damn about margins or 'We see' or whether you use 'she sings' or 'is singing'. We're the only ones who beat each other up about that and why? So we can feel like we're 'right' or smug or superior - well being right doesn't get your script sold - it only severs potential connections between you and other scriptwriters who may have been able to give you a leg up if you'd only been less of a condescending tool.

So let's put personal taste aside, put pedantry aside, and give unbiased, unegotistical criticism. PLEASE.
 
Who was being a bastard? Lol

I liked the subtlety in this story. I'm a fan of subtlety. I don't like bombasticness. I don't like big explosions and yelling and all of that. I don't like in your face storytelling, or explaining, or heavy handedness. But that's just me.

So keep up with the subtlety.
 
Harkus thank you for your review!

Yep I'm not often a fan of voice-over but for something stylised like this I thought I'd go for it. I like the idea of having no dialogue too but if I chose to go down this path to make the film more easily produce-able :) (To save on flashbacks/backstory scenes)

You're right about the timescale issues - I addressed them in my last reply and gave an idea for a quick fix - my thoughts were that the inital shots take place in the 60s/70s and the final shot is present day. Modern day cities can sprout up in 5-10 years so I figure that's a reasonably plausible timescale!

Thanks again!

ZellJr you're the 2nd person who didn't realise she was immortal but I'm sticking by my guns. I wouldn't want to spell it out anymore because I think it would make those who did get it feel like I was beating them over the head with it. Still, I'll take a look and make sure I'm definitely not being too vague. it's probably one of those things that's easier to miss when read than when seen on screen.

themightyshrub thank you so much! I'm really glad you liked it! Maybe it's a girl thing :p
 
Who was being a bastard? Lol

I liked the subtlety in this story. I'm a fan of subtlety. I don't like bombasticness. I don't like big explosions and yelling and all of that. I don't like in your face storytelling, or explaining, or heavy handedness. But that's just me.

So keep up with the subtlety.

Hehe not you :) Mostly a general complaint about when ego comes into these things and how mean writers can be to each other. but your comments were very nicely put so thank you :)
 
Harkus thank you for your review!

Yep I'm not often a fan of voice-over but for something stylised like this I thought I'd go for it. I like the idea of having no dialogue too but if I chose to go down this path to make the film more easily produce-able :) (To save on flashbacks/backstory scenes)

You're right about the timescale issues - I addressed them in my last reply and gave an idea for a quick fix - my thoughts were that the inital shots take place in the 60s/70s and the final shot is present day. Modern day cities can sprout up in 5-10 years so I figure that's a reasonably plausible timescale!

Thanks again!

ZellJr you're the 2nd person who didn't realise she was immortal but I'm sticking by my guns. I wouldn't want to spell it out anymore because I think it would make those who did get it feel like I was beating them over the head with it. Still, I'll take a look and make sure I'm definitely not being too vague. it's probably one of those things that's easier to miss when read than when seen on screen.

themightyshrub thank you so much! I'm really glad you liked it! Maybe it's a girl thing :p
i re read it and i understand it now. it was never a knock on you. i can miss things and i did. dont dumb it down. its good as it is. i like it.
 
I know - it's easy to miss things when they're revealed in just a line or two of dialogue - I do it all the time. :) And thanks! You're very nice!
 
Holy crap...now that is trapped!! Jesus. That messed with my head. :Drogar-BlackEye(DBG Written very well and it became just horrifying when you realize she's never getting out of there. The only thing I would suggest is to elaborate a bit on who it was that told her "be careful what you wish for" and also why and how she became who she was. Also maybe why she was buried. Not even full explanations...just a little hint.

This was great. I need to get some air now. :laugh:
 
Sarah,
I admire your writing: your word choices , the way you choose to describe things. The best part of this story was the end twist, which knocked my socks off. Anya's line about the horrors of her waking hours was just great. But, I guess we all are required to come up with some critique so here's my two cents. Everything is going great for first couple of pages but once I get into the rhythm of the story the tension plateaus on p 2.5 and you sort of repeat from there until we hit the twist. This was short enough that I hardly noticed it and your end was great, so I guess it works. By the way, I liked your ending line, it emphasized the immortality theme. Thanks for the read.
 
Screenplay writers need to have unique voices, otherwise you might as well toss in templates into a software and let it churn out films to let the pop-corn businesses generate their zillions.

You ma'am, have a great written voice.

The conflict presented in "Alive" is inherent from the title and has the quickest set-up I've seen in the contest.

Does Anya need to allude to her predicament in back-story?

Well, it'd solve two of the plot devices that don't work so well for me.

a) The surreal fairytale hardiness of "no deterioration" both in her physical self and her coffin.

b) The cinematic source of lighting that I could plausibly accept. Blue light is so fairly generic for good ole' moon-light that its inclusion here doesn't work for me. (Matches would work so much better than a lighter, by the way.)

If you establish some kind of time period and whether her situation arose out of fantasy/sci-fi, I think this would be pure brilliance.

For example, her coffin has some magical quality or inscribed runes, that glow when she screams and kicks but otherwise just dull down and change color with her mood. This could also explain why no bugs burrow into her chamber or why the coffin doesn't show any great weakness to the pounding and gouging.

Other than that, this was just sublime and a real treat in terms of character development.

Me, I'd reveal the coffin is actually buried vertically and all she has to do is push the lid which is above her head and it'd pop off easily. :D

Great writing, one my favorites!
 
This one gripped me from the get-go. Great writing kept me immersed. I like that you didn't get too existential and abstract given the topic. Not that that is necessarily bad, but this felt grounded.

I almost would have preferred to hear only Anya's V.O... maybe no on-screen dialogue. Your subtlety is great, but I could have used more... subtlety that is. Maybe another hint to the details of her Faustian deal... nothing too revealing of course.

I really enjoyed this. Thanks.
 
Thank you all so much for the great feedback! I'm glad you liked it and you all made some really great suggestions too. Cheers!!! :)

Derek, thanks!! And yeah I see what you mean about only hearing the V.O. - I thought about that too. Her spoken dialogue certainly isn't necessary.

Rustom you are too kind :) So glad you liked this. I LOVE your idea about the lid - that adds a whole other dimension and ramps up the tension. (Rhymey!) Her lack of deterioration is supposed to be due to her particular brand of immortality but yep some explanation of the coffin's sturdiness makes sense. Also your idea to more clearly place this within a timeframe/world. Thanks!!

Csetten thank you!! I see what you mean about the conflict plateau-ing a little. I could probably have done with making this a half a page shorter or so.

MML sorry to mess with your head haha! Thanks for your comments and yep I think a hint or two wouldn't go amiss.

Thanks all!!!
 
I really liked this - it's beautifully suspenseful. So she's immortal... - nice idea for a short. The simplicity of it is catchy and I really liked the fact that you left it at that - she cannot escape, just her with her thoughts in the coffin she'll never get to escape. Man, gives me chills not that I worded it out.

I was longing to see why she feared death and what she did to escape death. She was talking so much about it that it picked my interest. Please tell:)

The pacing is great - really slow, makes me feel sick (in a good way).
 
Needs a bit of a rewrite. Lighter seems out of place. This set with me for awhile after I read it. I really liked it.
 
If Alex didn't make the introduction, do you still get to live happily ever after? bummer if you don't. This is my first post on this site. I suppose I should have found the intro forum, however, if you've ever jumped off a pier in order to learn how to swim...You get the point.
 
I really enjoyed this. I'm kind of a newcomer around here, so you'll have to forgive me for repeating a bunch of stuff that everyone else is, apparently, well aware of:
You have an easy style, but you're not afraid to get poetic. A very cool voice that I think I could read for many pages.
A little disclaimer, just so you don't think I'm a straight ass-kiss: I'm the biggest V.O. fan on earth, and I love scripts with secrets that never really get revealed. So this one was right down my alley.
Very cool visual with the hair growing and filling the coffin...a great way to reveal immortality.
There was an aspect that left me feeling empty. I was fine with the mystery of HOW this immortality was achieved...totally fine with that. But I found myself disturbed that I didn't know WHY she was buried. Was it a betrayal, was it punishment? For some reason, that secret ate at me...go figure.
Anyhoo...nice job. Very fun.
 
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