Horncastle
New member
Thanks to all of you for reading and for your comments, they are much appreciated.
krestofre
Thanks for your comments - they have made me think. You are probably right about the bedroom scene dialog being stiff. I'm still having difficulty getting sufficient distance to judge - I expect it will be clearer in a week or two. I think I did need the bedroom scene though. I think I needed to build up the characters of the two thugs before they appear on the tug. I can certainly envisage that scene with Delroy looking through the absent girls' underwear. Maybe I could have made better use of that scene though? Perhaps I should have laid it on a little thicker?
I'm glad you liked the dream scene. I was quite pleased with how it came out too. I can see that you could envisage this as the real re-encounter, since Delroy's face stuck against the window would be rather effective. However, I think it needs to remain a dream: Natasha here is portrayed as young Angus' fantasy/dream. In reality she is not as clean and beautiful as this (though she might be in a month or two when it's all behind her), she doesn't have a silk nightdress and her behaviour is not as provocative as the dance and partial striptease suggest. It's the innocence of the sleeping version which is about to be violated in the actual re-encounter moments later which is the real Natasha. The dreamed encounter followed by the real encounter allowed me to build up the tension, let it go and then build it up a second time. I think my mistake here was in building it up better in the dream than in the actual re-encounter that followed it. The tension needed to be higher the second time around and maybe it wasn't.
Noel Evans
Thanks for the compliments.
Callaghan
Thanks. I originally had a different title (No Money, No Documents), but Susanne, my wife and the writer director of Red Shoes, thought it was rather heavy and flat. She liked the name of the tug so suggested I should use Mersey Mabel in the title.
Yes, I grew up around boats so it's an area of knowledge I can put to use. Thug scene - see my comment to krestofre above. Longer stories with Jack? Thanks, you never know. Maybe I should try!
blindbuzta
Mike, thanks. You maybe have a valid comment on whether the hero is Jack or Angus. It's definitely Jack, but maybe I didn't build him up sufficiently at the beginning. Jack, of course, is (at least initially) a reluctant hero (pulpier that way I think), but he's the one who knows his way around the docks and life. Angus is just starting out.
Dark Elastic
Thanks for reading and for the compliments.
lawriejaffa
Thanks, glad you enjoyed it. Yes, in hindsight I think I could probably have built up the drama/intensity more after the dream when the thugs come aboard the tug (see above).
seanshack
Thanks for reading and for the comments. Yes, I obviously should have delineated the hero better (see comment to blindbuzta). Obviously the dialog between Ivan and Delroy has some problems since several of you mention this. As far as sounding the same is concerned, Delroy is supposed to be using a lot more slang and swearing. He's the heftier of the two but is also less intelligent. He's a local skinhead type from some poor area of the city. Ivan, on the other hand, is more cunning, probably has an accent, speaks a fairly correct English. So, in my mind they are pretty different but obviously I didn't really get this across.
MAH
Thanks, Mike. Glad you liked it.
jefflebowski
Peter, thanks. Yes, maybe I needed to be clearer about who the hero is (see above). Regarding the dream sequence: I initially thought about having Angus and Natasha frolicking in the wheelhouse, but it is Angus' dream. I don't think you normally appear in your own dreams. My intention is that the camera here shows Angus' POV and if I was writing a shooting script I would make this clear. Natasha would be dancing for the camera/Angus. Then, maybe Angus was woken by Ivan and Delroy? How did the injured Seagull get there - it may well have been them that put it on deck.
If I was to make this script into a film, I would try to draw a visual parallel between Natasha whirling round and round in her white nightdress and the flapping around of the injured seagull - I think you could make a sort of sinister premonition out of this. I debated whether to try and make this clear in the script, but decided that it was more something for the director or a shooting script.
Personally, I think the answer to your comment is (as I say above) that the tension and drama is allowed to fall away a little after the dream sequence when really it should have been ratched up a notch or two more.
krestofre
Thanks for your comments - they have made me think. You are probably right about the bedroom scene dialog being stiff. I'm still having difficulty getting sufficient distance to judge - I expect it will be clearer in a week or two. I think I did need the bedroom scene though. I think I needed to build up the characters of the two thugs before they appear on the tug. I can certainly envisage that scene with Delroy looking through the absent girls' underwear. Maybe I could have made better use of that scene though? Perhaps I should have laid it on a little thicker?
I'm glad you liked the dream scene. I was quite pleased with how it came out too. I can see that you could envisage this as the real re-encounter, since Delroy's face stuck against the window would be rather effective. However, I think it needs to remain a dream: Natasha here is portrayed as young Angus' fantasy/dream. In reality she is not as clean and beautiful as this (though she might be in a month or two when it's all behind her), she doesn't have a silk nightdress and her behaviour is not as provocative as the dance and partial striptease suggest. It's the innocence of the sleeping version which is about to be violated in the actual re-encounter moments later which is the real Natasha. The dreamed encounter followed by the real encounter allowed me to build up the tension, let it go and then build it up a second time. I think my mistake here was in building it up better in the dream than in the actual re-encounter that followed it. The tension needed to be higher the second time around and maybe it wasn't.
Noel Evans
Thanks for the compliments.
Callaghan
Thanks. I originally had a different title (No Money, No Documents), but Susanne, my wife and the writer director of Red Shoes, thought it was rather heavy and flat. She liked the name of the tug so suggested I should use Mersey Mabel in the title.
Yes, I grew up around boats so it's an area of knowledge I can put to use. Thug scene - see my comment to krestofre above. Longer stories with Jack? Thanks, you never know. Maybe I should try!
blindbuzta
Mike, thanks. You maybe have a valid comment on whether the hero is Jack or Angus. It's definitely Jack, but maybe I didn't build him up sufficiently at the beginning. Jack, of course, is (at least initially) a reluctant hero (pulpier that way I think), but he's the one who knows his way around the docks and life. Angus is just starting out.
Dark Elastic
Thanks for reading and for the compliments.
lawriejaffa
Thanks, glad you enjoyed it. Yes, in hindsight I think I could probably have built up the drama/intensity more after the dream when the thugs come aboard the tug (see above).
seanshack
Thanks for reading and for the comments. Yes, I obviously should have delineated the hero better (see comment to blindbuzta). Obviously the dialog between Ivan and Delroy has some problems since several of you mention this. As far as sounding the same is concerned, Delroy is supposed to be using a lot more slang and swearing. He's the heftier of the two but is also less intelligent. He's a local skinhead type from some poor area of the city. Ivan, on the other hand, is more cunning, probably has an accent, speaks a fairly correct English. So, in my mind they are pretty different but obviously I didn't really get this across.
MAH
Thanks, Mike. Glad you liked it.
jefflebowski
Peter, thanks. Yes, maybe I needed to be clearer about who the hero is (see above). Regarding the dream sequence: I initially thought about having Angus and Natasha frolicking in the wheelhouse, but it is Angus' dream. I don't think you normally appear in your own dreams. My intention is that the camera here shows Angus' POV and if I was writing a shooting script I would make this clear. Natasha would be dancing for the camera/Angus. Then, maybe Angus was woken by Ivan and Delroy? How did the injured Seagull get there - it may well have been them that put it on deck.
If I was to make this script into a film, I would try to draw a visual parallel between Natasha whirling round and round in her white nightdress and the flapping around of the injured seagull - I think you could make a sort of sinister premonition out of this. I debated whether to try and make this clear in the script, but decided that it was more something for the director or a shooting script.
Personally, I think the answer to your comment is (as I say above) that the tension and drama is allowed to fall away a little after the dream sequence when really it should have been ratched up a notch or two more.
Last edited: