Aboard the Mersey Mabel

Horncastle

Horncastle

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I'm in:

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Well, my script is finished. I believe I have time to sleep on it and have one last look through before uploading though. I hope so!! Anyone know what time the deadline is?
 
Thanks Mike,

I just uploaded (successfully it seems). I did a last minute change of title which I've edited above. I've sent a PM to Isaac Brody asking if he can change the thread title too. I think he can do that, can't he? Otherwise I'll start a new thread with the correct title.

Jason
 
Horncastle said:
Thanks Mike,

I just uploaded (successfully it seems). I did a last minute change of title which I've edited above. I've sent a PM to Isaac Brody asking if he can change the thread title too. I think he can do that, can't he? Otherwise I'll start a new thread with the correct title.

Jason
Click to expand...
MODS can make those changes pretty easily. :beer:

Good luck!
 
Thanks Noel, thanks Alex,

I only hope the script lives up to it. I have Susanne to thank for the title - she suggested I change from the old one and said I should use the name Mersey Mabel which was in the script. She was right.

Jason
 
I liked this one quite a bit. Just a few suggestions that are probably more personal preference based than anything:


***SPOILERS***

I'm not crazy about the Small Bedroom scene with the two thugs. The dialog is a little stiff, and honestly I think you could convey this information in a more dramatic way. For example, I'd take this scene completely out and stay on the boat from the entire script. Have the two thugs show up in their surprising way, toss the cell phone on the bed, and say something like "You should clear out your contacts next time." or something. Then we understand how they found her, but we get rid of a lot of exposition.

Second thing. I really like the dream scene, so much so that I wish it wasn't a dream scene. I think that's a much more effective way to have Natasha reencounter the thugs. Then you run into the problem of figuring out another way of meeting the script requirement, but I thought I'd throw it out there.

Excellent work!
 
I'm in love with the title.:beer:

You really paid attention in "nautical school" and learned the three aaaarrrs (really, really bad joke.)

Your knowledge of all things maritime really helped build a believable world.

I agree with krestofre on the thug scenes. That being said, I would love to see more (longer) adventures with Jack.

***SPOILER ALERT***
Favorite Line:
"Well, I've got a couple of poo pooin' pimps stashed away aboard the Mabel..."
 
It was good! I think you need to decide who's the hero..Jack or Angus...
At the beginning... Angus is the one who talks Jack into letting Natasha come aboard. Because he is the active character at the start, I assumed he was the protagonist of the film. But then he gets knocked out and Jack saves the day at the end... I felt let down that (who I though was) the hero wasn't the one who saved the day... I could me misinterpreting it though...
 
Good story, well written. Good characters, and the Captain becomes the hero, as it should be. I liked it, well done.
 
Yep I liked that - you focussed nicely on the ol' Captain that is the reluctant hero (with a charming pay off thats is utterly cute) but like the ol' rescue scene of the girl in the movie Redbeard haha.

This was a well written piece that could perhaps exude a little more drama and intensity (as it has more than enough charm and sweetness already) that might strike a better balance and help it deliver more impact.

Overall this is a very enjoyable romp! Well done!
 
Solid piece of work. Good formatting/structure. Descriptions are very effective. I had a bit of trouble making out which of the two guys was you protagonist (at first) - became clearly later on. But was reading like both to me, then read like this wasn't your intention.

Dialog needs some work in places. page 3-4 is a good example - just sounded a bit like the same character in places (I know easy to do, hard to avoid). But seemed to work better in other scenes than cabin/bedroom scene.

Didn't really like the title. But this whole art thing is subjective, so others may love it LOL.

Good job.
 
Good script.

Really enjoyed the pacing and the ending was a very nice touch.
I was able to visualize it quite easily, that means you did your job well.

Nice work.

MAH
 
Well done. I felt as though the writing placed the reader in the scene and created the dark subculture you were going for. I feel that the dream sequence followed up by the real sequence of events was just a little unusual. For me, it would have worked better if the dream contained visions of Angus and Natasha frolicking in the wheelhouse and cut to Angus just woken by the sound of Ivan and Delroy. The idea of "who is the protagonist" is up for question. To me the answer is not very clear. As the reader, I want Angus to be the hero but it seems like Jack's doing all the work. Again, this is a well crafted story. I can't wait to see what's next.
Peter
 
Nice story, and I really liked your descriptions of the setting and characters. They made it easy to form images in my mind.

I thought the ending might have been more powerful if you faded out as the crane swings the wooden crate over to Parson's ship. The dialog at the end didn't seem to add anything for me. If the meaning of the scene wouldn't be clear enough without the final dialog, perhaps add a close-up of the crate being raised off the tug's deck with a bit of blood dripping out.

Good work!
 
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