alex whitmer
Veteran
I wrote this some umpteen years ago, and it was recently picked up by film student Leanne Matthews in GB. She added some material to it, and I think we have a nice little film. I was really happy to see this one get produced.
SHORT: A Lonely Breath Doth Float
- Thread starter alex whitmer
- Start date
This didn't go in the direction I expected at all! Very surprising!
I was sort of expecting something like this: we hear the girl's thoughts, and she ends with:
"But every thought I have is so expected to me, I know it even before I have it. I am but an automaton.
And the next day shall be the same as this one and so on until the very end. My only way out, my only chance at freedom,
would be if I had a thought completely outside of myself. Something so alien, that it would feel like being a different person,
not myself. To be myself is to die alone. I don't want to die alone, I want to experience life as others. With thoughts alien and surprising to me"
Then we see the boy on the bench, writing, and hear his thoughts - just exactly as it is now. He judges the passerby's including the girl whose thoughts we heard. He keeps writing.
We keep hearing his thoughts, when from behind, the girl approaches the boy. He doesn't see her. She strikes him in the head with a heavy stone, he collapses, his thoughts abruptly end in mid sentence.
She drops the stone and walks away. We hear her thoughts.
"And there can be no doubt, that I am a different person, someone I could not have known just a minute ago. But I changed my life.
I will live as this new person until it's time to change again."
We go back to beautiful nature and birds on the lake.
The key to executing it would be to keep the entire feminine feel as is, including the flowery font of the titles.
Of course, I like yours a lot more (it's much classier!), just riffing on it, because I found it very inspirational. Congrats!
I was sort of expecting something like this: we hear the girl's thoughts, and she ends with:
"But every thought I have is so expected to me, I know it even before I have it. I am but an automaton.
And the next day shall be the same as this one and so on until the very end. My only way out, my only chance at freedom,
would be if I had a thought completely outside of myself. Something so alien, that it would feel like being a different person,
not myself. To be myself is to die alone. I don't want to die alone, I want to experience life as others. With thoughts alien and surprising to me"
Then we see the boy on the bench, writing, and hear his thoughts - just exactly as it is now. He judges the passerby's including the girl whose thoughts we heard. He keeps writing.
We keep hearing his thoughts, when from behind, the girl approaches the boy. He doesn't see her. She strikes him in the head with a heavy stone, he collapses, his thoughts abruptly end in mid sentence.
She drops the stone and walks away. We hear her thoughts.
"And there can be no doubt, that I am a different person, someone I could not have known just a minute ago. But I changed my life.
I will live as this new person until it's time to change again."
We go back to beautiful nature and birds on the lake.
The key to executing it would be to keep the entire feminine feel as is, including the flowery font of the titles.
Of course, I like yours a lot more (it's much classier!), just riffing on it, because I found it very inspirational. Congrats!
alex whitmer
Veteran
Where were you during the rewrite?!
Hopefully you got that he is reading the breath of those walking by.
Thanks for the twist on the story.
a
Hopefully you got that he is reading the breath of those walking by.
Thanks for the twist on the story.
a
richke
Well-known member
I thought the film looked great...with one exception...the BREATH. The music, the look, the cinematography were all on point...but the cold breath to me really hurt the shots. It takes a crisp looking shot and cheapens it. I get why it is there but I think it needs to be more subtle, maybe 50% transparency or something. OR maybe just have them appear when he is reading their breaths? But maybe it is just me. 