Ten Tumbles and a Boom

preston said:
hey David... great way to start a short script! that daydream scene had me hooked right off the bat, so it worked. your concept is so simple, it's perfectly suited for a short....

[SPOILERS]

....two killers, after spending a lifetime of killing, happen to end up riding in the same car down the same dusty road at the same time... while i didn't really see it coming, i wouldn't have expected anything less than a high-speed western-style shootout.
it was like Anton Chigurh (no country for old men) picked up his hitchhiking clone. beer or shootout, flip a coin...

great dialog from some interesting characters, brother.

p.s.- i answered your question in my thread; post #24.
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I'm glad you liked it Preston. The first scene doesn't seem to be very popular but it is getting some attention. Anton Chigurh may have had some infuence on me. I love that character. The absence of fear.


seansshack said:
Would intro the characters differently with caps and descriptions. I would also avoid the use of bold for scene slugs.

The opening dream sequence threw me for six with that line... and the fact it read like it was tagged on and didn't add anything to the story. (even though the boots where in the scene) + the subject matter although a dream didn't fit with the rest of the story.

But overall. Entertaining and fun story. Liked the ending a lot. Formatting and structure were good. Dialog was also well suited to the genre.

Overall good story. Just lose the "am I watching a porno" opening scene...
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Thanks for the comments seanshack. I appreciate the input.
 
Cool concept, cool story. A battle of evil titans in an El Camino, with one equipped with a flame thrower. Oh, and a soggy lizard. It just doesn't get much better than that. :beer:
 
Ok, so pussies are your signature now, are they not? ;P

Personally, I don't think boundaries should be an issue. They don't seem to be on my Netflix account anyway. If it's being written for the sole purpose of being shot, it can always be edited, but this is a writing contest, so I'd rather see others taking some risks too. It makes the reading a bit more interesting for those of us too lazy to write.

Your entries are always one of my first reads/views, because I know I'm going to be in for something different.
 
preston said:
that's what she said.
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And here we ... go.


GrizzlyGuy said:
Cool concept, cool story. A battle of evil titans in an El Camino, with one equipped with a flame thrower. Oh, and a soggy lizard. It just doesn't get much better than that. :beer:
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Thanks for the comments GrizzlyGuy. I'm glad you enjoyed it.


nitramlehcar said:
Ok, so pussies are your signature now, are they not? ;P

Personally, I don't think boundaries should be an issue. They don't seem to be on my Netflix account anyway. If it's being written for the sole purpose of being shot, it can always be edited, but this is a writing contest, so I'd rather see others taking some risks too. It makes the reading a bit more interesting for those of us too lazy to write.

Your entries are always one of my first reads/views, because I know I'm going to be in for something different.
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Not.
Thanks for reading nitra. I hope you write something next fest.
 
I thought this was very good indeed. The characters, dialogue and tension were all developed perfectly and there was a wonderful eye for descriptive detail such as the lizard. I agree that the dream sequence could be cut - it's not a question of crossing boundaries or not, it just didn't need it in my opinion (apart from the fest rules). Your story is just a little sketch, a moment in time, but that's OK. It could be part of something larger, though it's fine on its own too. Thanks for a really great read.
Jason
 
I like the opening scene. It just set the tone for me, though I can see how it might seem a little disconnected. Maybe if there was a hint in it somewhere that he was or wanted to kill her that would connect it.
Anyway...that last line of dialogue that she delivered. I LAUGHED OUT LOUD, maybe because it surprised me.

Great set up. Funny dialogue. The end was a bit abrupt, but I like them all going up in flames, the shoes included.

Very, very entertaining.
 
now that i'm finished reading the scripts, i just wanted to come back by and say that your script stands out to me. i loved it! you are definitely never boring ;)
 
This was a very original story. And how you managed to transpose a noir sensibility to the sun-baked deserts of the American southwest is beyond me, but by golly you did it.

Can't think of anything really wrong with this. Maybe let the tension between the two killers play out a bit longer? They could have some more small talk before they get into the discussion about killing? I don't know, these are some ideas.

Great job though. I would love to see this produced. It has some cool visuals and a fun style.

And I just had to do it in honor of your two killers demise ------- :evil: :violent5:
 
Horncastle said:
I thought this was very good indeed. The characters, dialogue and tension were all developed perfectly and there was a wonderful eye for descriptive detail such as the lizard. I agree that the dream sequence could be cut - it's not a question of crossing boundaries or not, it just didn't need it in my opinion (apart from the fest rules). Your story is just a little sketch, a moment in time, but that's OK. It could be part of something larger, though it's fine on its own too. Thanks for a really great read.
Jason
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Thanks for reading Jason.


conlanforever said:
I like the opening scene. It just set the tone for me, though I can see how it might seem a little disconnected. Maybe if there was a hint in it somewhere that he was or wanted to kill her that would connect it.
Anyway...that last line of dialogue that she delivered. I LAUGHED OUT LOUD, maybe because it surprised me.

Great set up. Funny dialogue. The end was a bit abrupt, but I like them all going up in flames, the shoes included.

Very, very entertaining.
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I'm glad the opening made you laugh. I agree that it could use something more.


jamiejay said:
now that i'm finished reading the scripts, i just wanted to come back by and say that your script stands out to me. i loved it! you are definitely never boring ;)
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Thanks so much Jamiejay.


Nektonic said:
This was a very original story. And how you managed to transpose a noir sensibility to the sun-baked deserts of the American southwest is beyond me, but by golly you did it.

Can't think of anything really wrong with this. Maybe let the tension between the two killers play out a bit longer? They could have some more small talk before they get into the discussion about killing? I don't know, these are some ideas.

Great job though. I would love to see this produced. It has some cool visuals and a fun style.

And I just had to do it in honor of your two killers demise ------- :evil: :violent5:
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Thanks for the ideas Nektonic. I love love love the smilys. May they rest in peace. That is so sweet.
 
Review of Ten Tumbles and a Boom

Great opening scenes.

This

A man is standing on the side of the highway peeing onto the road.

*Intro him as Slacks Man, not just man.

This …

BOOTS MAN
Little piggy dressed in white. Now
I got you in my sight.

*You call him rugged man and boots man. Pick one to avoid confusion.

Great dialogue. This especially ..

SLACKS MAN
There are things that I get excited
about that aren’t considered
normal.

What a fun little piece. Twisted as hell, but great stuff.

Opening scene didn’t feel disconnected as pussy came up in conversation anyways and kinda gave a visual.

Anyways, like your work.

a
 
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yeah i was bored... :violent5:
 
love the poster, preston... but somehow, you should have changed the license plate to read "pussy"... haha. :)
 
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