Lovecraft

Chris_Keaton

Chris_Keaton

ScriptFEST Mod
TITLE: Lovecraft

LOG LINE: Heaven. Hell. The same sh*t, different zip code.

This is a classic pulp fiction, supernatural noir script. As a bonus I see this as a possible short series.
 
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Awesome job Chris. I really enjoyed Lovecraft. This idea should have been made into a feature instead of the Hellboy movies.

****SPOILER ALERT****

Your script flowed really well. The narration worked and didn't interrupt the narrative. I like the SPECIAL POV scene as well. Very cool. You balanced the noir side with the supernatural side very well.

Nothing really wrong with this. One thing that I wondered was it seemed that after Lovecraft shot himself, the script never described how his head looked after this. I assumed that he reverted back to looking normal and had no head wound. I would maybe clarify this detail in future drafts.

I'd also like to see this developed into a longer piece with more supernatural creatures. It has potential to be expanded upon. Maybe you could use some creatures from HP Lovecraft's stories as well?
 
Nice job. Pulled me into the story from the first few lines. Descriptions are short and sweet and dialog to tight and efficient. Would limit the use of He in one or two sentence starts (do it myself and it reminds you that you are reading something distracts a little - I try and mix these with characters names).

Overall good story, well written and little to improve or moan about (from my end).
 
Interesting "universe" and well written. I was wondering more about Lovecraft, who and what he is. Could definitely see these characters in a series. Well done.
 
Thanks

Thanks

Nektonic said:
Awesome job Chris. I really enjoyed Lovecraft. This idea should have been made into a feature instead of the Hellboy movies.

****SPOILER ALERT****

Your script flowed really well. The narration worked and didn't interrupt the narrative. I like the SPECIAL POV scene as well. Very cool. You balanced the noir side with the supernatural side very well.

Nothing really wrong with this. One thing that I wondered was it seemed that after Lovecraft shot himself, the script never described how his head looked after this. I assumed that he reverted back to looking normal and had no head wound. I would maybe clarify this detail in future drafts.

I'd also like to see this developed into a longer piece with more supernatural creatures. It has potential to be expanded upon. Maybe you could use some creatures from HP Lovecraft's stories as well?
Click to expand...

I was hoping to make this a series of shorts with this as the first episode. I've got a whole story idea just simmering in my head. If that doesn't work out maybe I'll work it into a feature. Thanks
 
Interesting, I quite enjoyed this - I think for the Lovecraft reference it could perhaps be a bit more Lovecraftian (okay its just the characaters name and im a Lovecraft fan boy) so best scratch that lol.

I wasn't sure at first but it absorbed me after the first couple of pages and I enjoyed it and as someone else mentioned its fictional 'universe' or world it creates.

So good luck with it as a web series and its certainly an enjoyable dark romp!
 
Loved it! Lovecraft is a very intriguing character. I'd love to see more of him in the future.
 
Redcloak said:
Excellent.

Good on almost every front.

But the last line... Man it's a good line, just... not quite right.
Click to expand...

It's kinda a set up for a future episode, but I know what you mean. However, I need to completely redo the first line. I think it's too up front. Maybe something line 'I want out, but they won't let me.' or something a little more vague and mysterious.
 
Cheers:beer:on an intriguing concept.

This one definitely demanded an immediate rereading
(and not at all in a bad way).

The dialogue was quite good...but there was some sense of it "serving" a bigger story at times (not unlike "The Golden Compass").

I have this thing about stories (even anthologies or "chapters" of a series) standing on their own two feet first and foremost. Not to say that your story doesn't...but it comes mighty close to the edge.

That being said, Lovecraft inhabits a very interesting fictional world that I would love to visit again.


***SPOILER ALERT***
Favorite Line:
"...which is all well and good. They whisper sweet nothings into your ear. We're not so bad, just misunderstood."
Nice.
 
I'm with you on the making this a series idea, or a feature at the least. I want to do the same with my script, and that was its original intention. Add a few more characters and scenes, and you're good to go.

I may have spent some more time talking about the artifacts and such. That's always fun to expound on.

Great read!
 
MiataFilmSomething said:
I'm with you on the making this a series idea, or a feature at the least. I want to do the same with my script, and that was its original intention. Add a few more characters and scenes, and you're good to go.

I may have spent some more time talking about the artifacts and such. That's always fun to expound on.

Great read!
Click to expand...

I believe, it's better for us 'writers' to not go too far with artifacts and such. I know as a reader/watcher we want more. But more takes the mystery and excitement out of it. What we see becomes routine and loses some luster. Just read the end of the 'Gunslinger' series to see what I mean. Heck, a little mystery keeps you coming back for more.

Thanks for the feedback.
 
Before I read this thread, I had an very exact idea of the feedback I was going to give you, but then I read the thread and it appears Nektonic has said exactly what I was going to say.

I was confused about the state of his head, and to be honest, that was the only thing that annoyed me about this script - the rest of it, fantastic!

I love the special POV, I could really imagine how it would look in my head, and it really worked well.

Just one piece of dialogue that didn't quite read correctly - "My friends call me Lovecraft and my enemies too". Despite the fact it needs a comma, it still reads a bit wooden. Perhaps cut it down to "My friends call me Lovecraft. Enemies too."

Also, I have absolutely no knowledge of Lovecraft at all, but I really enjoyed this script. I don't know if that was something that worried you, but I noticed that most other people who had commented so far had some knowledge of him, and understood the references, so I thought I'd tell you that I have no experience of him whatsoever, and as far as I could tell, it didn't effect my enjoyment of the story at all.

Favourite line: I had some sinus troubles

Well done, definitely my favourite so far
 
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