Fun Palace

that grabbed my attention ;)

i really liked your last entry and i am looking forward to reading your new script!

jamie
 
Good action packed script, reminded me of the Arny or Sylvester films of old, especially the start. My only gripe is what the Skiny Man says when he is stabbed, a bit silly... I know he is meant to be insane, but it just sounded odd to me.
 
Spoilers//

Well it was all a bit Straw Dogs for me except without allegory or meaning! I mean for all intended purposes the first lines are uber macho and amusing - i was like 'Yeah! Go kick ass! but it doesn't quite work as an action / revenge romp because there is such a sadistic overtone with it / the death of the 'wife' / dream scene - all paints more at a horror (almost a house of a 1000 corpses type horror it reminded me of actually!)

The thugs weren't really very convincing (i mean they were suicidal to say that to a dude holding guns) and it felt perhaps a little too choreographed - ie, as if the litany of horror we're to experience has been pre-ordered regardless of the story/plot (that was a bit lacking...)

So an enjoyable but somewhat confused romp!
 
I think to be able to accept the level of violence in the script I needed a bit more motivation. Why this guy? What was special about him that made the Skinny Guy kidnap his family? Why would the Skinny Guy have a Fun Palace tricked out with death traps? It felt like a bunch of cool set pieces strung together for no particular reason. Your writing is fine, and I felt most of the dialog was pretty good (though I agree with the earlier comment about the Skinny Guy's dying words). My sensabilities just needed a bit more explained.
 
First off, cheers:beer: on taking one setting (IE the title Fun Palace) and building your entire story there. That ain't easy.

I concur that the opening lines of dialogue are pretty damn good. On the other hand, because they are so good, you set the bar pretty high for the rest of your story. So much so that I was expecting a vigilante story that never really materialized (ala Shoot 'Em Up).

I am left with a few minor unresolved questions, but the main one is: why not an entire gang of bad guys serving the Skinny Guy (great antagonist name, by the way). I'm seriously not trying to armchair quarterback here...but a handful of punks isn't necessarily "a bunch of people" (see above and below).


***SPOILER ALERT***
Favorite Line:
"My name is Richard Sampson. I'm a middle school science teacher, and I'm going to kill a bunch of people."
 
Hey, thanks for your comments guys.

This is not my favorite thing I've written, but I'm interested by some of the responses.

So far everyone likes the dialogue at the beginning, which I hate. And everyone hates the Skinny Man's dying words, which is my favorite part.

I guess I'm even weirder than I thought I was.
 
Mate do you direct as well, it may be that we're not quite seeing this the way you intend? Maybe tweaking it a bit? Its hard i find as a director/writer, because writing for writing sake and directing can be so confused sometimes when trying to get other folk to see scripts that you have already developed a directorial perspective on.
 
I do direct, although I have no intention of directing this.

It's definitely true that sometimes a line can play differently in real life than on the page, with the right interpretation. But, I'd obviously like people to be able to read my scripts and get that same sensation, and understand what I was going for.
 
CallaghanFilms said:
I am left with a few minor unresolved questions, but the main one is: why not an entire gang of bad guys serving the Skinny Guy (great antagonist name, by the way). I'm seriously not trying to armchair quarterback here...but a handful of punks isn't necessarily "a bunch of people" (see above and below).
Click to expand...

By the way, this is absolutely true. It was really just laziness that I didn't write another scene where he kills some more punks.
 
What an intrigues little splatter story. For sure one of my favourites! My stomach is still turning. Very well done, but I am not sure if I could see that as a film without my cushion. :thumbsup:

Susanne :bath:
 
I love a good dose of violence. I agree some explanation about motivation, why , what would have helped the story.
The scenes were written really well and very decriptive, his leg is crunching when he runs...ouch.
I agree the opening line is really good. However I seem to be in the minority on skinny guy's dying line. I thought it was freaky good and funny to boot.

The Fun Palace was just good ol' family fun ;)
 
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