Aboard the Mersey Mabel

Thanks to all of you for reading and for your comments, they are much appreciated.

krestofre
Thanks for your comments - they have made me think. You are probably right about the bedroom scene dialog being stiff. I'm still having difficulty getting sufficient distance to judge - I expect it will be clearer in a week or two. I think I did need the bedroom scene though. I think I needed to build up the characters of the two thugs before they appear on the tug. I can certainly envisage that scene with Delroy looking through the absent girls' underwear. Maybe I could have made better use of that scene though? Perhaps I should have laid it on a little thicker?

I'm glad you liked the dream scene. I was quite pleased with how it came out too. I can see that you could envisage this as the real re-encounter, since Delroy's face stuck against the window would be rather effective. However, I think it needs to remain a dream: Natasha here is portrayed as young Angus' fantasy/dream. In reality she is not as clean and beautiful as this (though she might be in a month or two when it's all behind her), she doesn't have a silk nightdress and her behaviour is not as provocative as the dance and partial striptease suggest. It's the innocence of the sleeping version which is about to be violated in the actual re-encounter moments later which is the real Natasha. The dreamed encounter followed by the real encounter allowed me to build up the tension, let it go and then build it up a second time. I think my mistake here was in building it up better in the dream than in the actual re-encounter that followed it. The tension needed to be higher the second time around and maybe it wasn't.

Noel Evans
Thanks for the compliments.

Callaghan
Thanks. I originally had a different title (No Money, No Documents), but Susanne, my wife and the writer director of Red Shoes, thought it was rather heavy and flat. She liked the name of the tug so suggested I should use Mersey Mabel in the title.

Yes, I grew up around boats so it's an area of knowledge I can put to use. Thug scene - see my comment to krestofre above. Longer stories with Jack? Thanks, you never know. Maybe I should try!

blindbuzta
Mike, thanks. You maybe have a valid comment on whether the hero is Jack or Angus. It's definitely Jack, but maybe I didn't build him up sufficiently at the beginning. Jack, of course, is (at least initially) a reluctant hero (pulpier that way I think), but he's the one who knows his way around the docks and life. Angus is just starting out.

Dark Elastic
Thanks for reading and for the compliments.

lawriejaffa
Thanks, glad you enjoyed it. Yes, in hindsight I think I could probably have built up the drama/intensity more after the dream when the thugs come aboard the tug (see above).

seanshack
Thanks for reading and for the comments. Yes, I obviously should have delineated the hero better (see comment to blindbuzta). Obviously the dialog between Ivan and Delroy has some problems since several of you mention this. As far as sounding the same is concerned, Delroy is supposed to be using a lot more slang and swearing. He's the heftier of the two but is also less intelligent. He's a local skinhead type from some poor area of the city. Ivan, on the other hand, is more cunning, probably has an accent, speaks a fairly correct English. So, in my mind they are pretty different but obviously I didn't really get this across.

MAH
Thanks, Mike. Glad you liked it.

jefflebowski
Peter, thanks. Yes, maybe I needed to be clearer about who the hero is (see above). Regarding the dream sequence: I initially thought about having Angus and Natasha frolicking in the wheelhouse, but it is Angus' dream. I don't think you normally appear in your own dreams. My intention is that the camera here shows Angus' POV and if I was writing a shooting script I would make this clear. Natasha would be dancing for the camera/Angus. Then, maybe Angus was woken by Ivan and Delroy? How did the injured Seagull get there - it may well have been them that put it on deck.

If I was to make this script into a film, I would try to draw a visual parallel between Natasha whirling round and round in her white nightdress and the flapping around of the injured seagull - I think you could make a sort of sinister premonition out of this. I debated whether to try and make this clear in the script, but decided that it was more something for the director or a shooting script.

Personally, I think the answer to your comment is (as I say above) that the tension and drama is allowed to fall away a little after the dream sequence when really it should have been ratched up a notch or two more.
 
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GrizzlyGuy said:
Nice story, and I really liked your descriptions of the setting and characters. They made it easy to form images in my mind.

I thought the ending might have been more powerful if you faded out as the crane swings the wooden crate over to Parson's ship. The dialog at the end didn't seem to add anything for me. If the meaning of the scene wouldn't be clear enough without the final dialog, perhaps add a close-up of the crate being raised off the tug's deck with a bit of blood dripping out.

Good work!
Click to expand...

Thanks very much for reading and for your comments. Glad you could envisage it. Your comment about the ending makes me wonder whether you have understood my intention. The crate with blood dripping out and no dialog would make it seem as though the two thugs were maybe dead and were going to be dumped at sea. The idea is that they are going to be dumped alive in an African port with no money and no documents. That way they will be repaid (well, in part anyway) in their own currency. Jack and Capt. Parsons aren't criminals or killers. They are little bit the ruffian, they know their way around life, they have a long-standing friendship in which they have this thing going importing marijuana. But it's really only a small quantity, Jack probably sells it to friends and people he trusts for their own use. They make a nice bit of extra money on the side but nothing more. They just want to exact justice in their own way.
 
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Horncastle said:
The idea is that they are going to be dumped alive in an African port with no money and no documents. That way they will be repaid (well, in part anyway) in their own currency.
Click to expand...

Ahhhhhh.... No, I didn't get that. Now it makes perfect sense and I like the story even more! :thumbup:
 
hey there... i just read through your thread after reading your script, and most things have been covered. i was a bit confused (at first) when you ended the dream sequence, because i had to think back and figure out when it began. no big deal, especially since it was (probably) your intention to not reveal it as a dream right away. moving on...

{SPOILERS}

story: pretty solid, i like that it took place (mostly) on a boat. that's creative and interesting. i was left hoping for a little more interaction between the couple, just so i would care about their fates a little more. a nice conversation before going to bed would have been enough. (hey, you have a couple more pages before you get to the ten page limit!)

writing: good descriptions. i especially like this:

...a row of dilapidated cranes disappear into still grey fog.

very nice. the dialog could use some polishing to sound a little more natural, and not so on-the-nose. (of course, i am soooo guilty of this myself, and people always let me know, so i'm starting to notice it more these days.)

good job, and thanks for entering. i really enjoyed your script. :thumbup:
 
Preston,
Thanks for reading and for your comments. Yes, you're right - I didn't want to reveal right away that the dream sequence was a dream. Thanks for your comment about the couple too - I'll bear it in mind.
Jason
 
I liked this script. You did a good job.

I would agree with Preston that it would be nice to see more of a connection between Angus and Natasha. Maybe it would have been cool to start with him helping her escape. It would set up the background for the story and establish that there is chemistry there. I don't know, just a thought.

I kind of felt Jack should have just been the captain. And, instead of just abandoning the thugs in Africa, he could have just thrown them overboard to sleep with the fishes. :)

Nice work!
 
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Good story. I really like the setting. Putting on the boat, gave the story a great atmosphere. The hero was a little unclear, but you've covered that.

It was well written and flowed well. A little more tension/intensity in the showdown at the end would help, but I see thats been covered as well.

Overall, It was a really good read.
 
jamiejay and conlanforever, thanks for reading and commenting. Yes, there seems to be a pretty good consensus about what needed improving at this point.
Jason
 
I really enjoyed this script - fantastic storyline. I thought that the use of the fire exstinguisher was really original. Like others have said, the dialogue is a little wooden, especially at the end. I think he makes it too clear that he wants the pimps to be shipped to Africa. Perhaps having him say something like

JACK - "I've got a couple of ... problems ... that need getting rid of. Africa maybe?"
CAPTAIN - "No money, no documents?"
JACK - "Yeah, that's the one. No money, no documents"

Conveys the same information, but without being so obvious.

Also, there's a slight typo on the first page where you've written Alex instead of Angus.

Overall, well done - lovely story!
 
themightyshrub said:
Also, there's a slight typo on the first page where you've written Alex instead of Angus.
Click to expand...

Thanks Heather, you're right - got me there! Alex was the name I originally used. I thought I'd changed them all but that one escaped. Thanks too for reading and for the comments.
Jason
 
Awesome job dude. I liked it a lot. The only criticism I have is that just as the tension ratcheted up, it seemed to dissipate quicker than I thought. I wanted to see these characters go through a little more of the hell that Delroy and Ivan seemed to be able to deliver.

Good plot though. The description was visual and had an authentic ring to it. I felt like you knew sailing and ships very well, either by first hand experience or by research.

And one quick question... I see a lot of entries in the past and some now using this style of scene heading like you used:

INT. MERSEY MABLE . NIGHT

I was always taught that this was the proper way:

INT. MERSEY MABLE - NIGHT

Have things changed in the spec formatting and I'm not aware?

Anyways, great job on the Mersey Mable. I hope to see her sail again some day with a longer adventure.
 
Nektonic, thanks for reading and the comments. I'm glad you enjoyed it. And yes, I let the tension slip away a little. As far as your formatting question is concerned, I see it done a lot both ways, but I think the hyphen is probably more correct. Maybe I'll switch for my next script.
Cheers
Jason
 
Review for ABOARD THE MERSEY MABEL

This …

Two men are talking on her aft deck …

*I think you can skip the two men, and just intro them straight away.

This …

He turns back to Alex and shrugs.

*Alex?

This …

JACK
(continuing)
I ain’t promising anything, OK?

No need for the (continuing). It’s obvious.

Page 2

NATASHA
(in a small voice with an East
European accent)
Nice to meet you, sir.

*Do you mean a timid voice?

This …

JACK
Yeah, well. (beat) It ain’t every
day I get to meet a pretty young
girl on my own boat.

*Don’t bury your (beat) in dialogue. I can be easily missed.

Page 3

DELROY, early thirties with a skinhead haircut and tattoos

*You can trim this to …

DELROY, early thirties skinhead with tattoos.

*Skinheads only have one style haircut - usually.

So far you have underwear, underpants and knickers. Is there a difference?

Page 6

Great dialogue …

IVAN
(his mouth close to her ear)
Natasha, my dear, you’ll have all
the time in the world for
screaming. But right now we need
for you to be quiet so we can get
you out of here.

Really fine story. Seems the meeting of Angus and Natasha was one of happenstance, but made for a great catalyst for Angus and Jack.


Love the tension build and play.



You burn up some space saying ‘about 50 …’, ‘about 18 …’
Maybe try 50s, late teens.

aw
 
Thanks Alex for reading and for your review. I'm glad you liked it. Many of your comments make complete sense, but I feel like I'd like to reply to a few of them.

alex whitmer said:
He turns back to Alex and shrugs.

*Alex?
Click to expand...

I'm still kicking myself over that one. It should have been Angus of course.

alex whitmer said:
NATASHA
(in a small voice with an East
European accent)
Nice to meet you, sir.

*Do you mean a timid voice?
Click to expand...

Maybe you don't use "small" for a voice in the U.S.? In British English I think it's fine and could mean timid, but is also downtrodden or castigated.

alex whitmer said:
DELROY, early thirties with a skinhead haircut and tattoos

*You can trim this to …

DELROY, early thirties skinhead with tattoos.

*Skinheads only have one style haircut - usually.
Click to expand...

Yes, but in my mind you can have the haircut without being a real skinhead. Again, this may be a US-Europe thing, but to me, being a skinhead has political connotations (i.e. neo-nazi or extreme right wing). I wouldn't have wanted to give Delroy this political slant.

alex whitmer said:
So far you have underwear, underpants and knickers. Is there a difference?
Click to expand...

Yes, I'd say there is. Underwear is more general and includes bras, slips (and maybe suspenders, stockings?). Underpants and knickers are the same thing, of course, but to me, knickers has a more "sexy" feel. Therefore I used knickers when Delroy picks up the phone, but underpants when Natasha is lying innocently on the bed.

Thanks again for your comments. It's good to have to think about a script, even if only to defend it!
Jason
 
I really liked the docks and the nautical and maritime mood and feel of the script. You did a great job at setting the visuals and the tone. The script flowed really well also.

I would have liked to have seen more backstory on the characters. I feel like we just kind of walked into the middle of the story. There's something that happened before, and more to come later that I'd like to know about. But that's the secret: Always leave your audience wanting more:)

Good work!
 
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