You know the budget's low when...

craigbowman

craigbowman

Veteran
...you went out to celebrate getting your feature financed and discover the bar tab from the celebration is higher than your financing!


...all of the lead actors are mannekins!

...its an X-Rated flick and all the lead actors need inflating!

...you won the acting lead and when you walk onto the set for the first time you see a cell phone camera duct taped to a cardboard cutout shaped like a tripod!

...this thread IS the script!
 
...on-set beverages are no-frills and there is a sign advising you to hold onto your plastic cup.

...your 8-year-old brother comes to the set, points, laughs, and walks away shaking his head.

...your flick is starring a relative with whom you don't usually converse.

...your mom's chocolate brownies that you pilfered are now melting and oozing in the hot sun but everyone is eating them anyway because it's either that or the jolly ranchers you've rescued from under the floor mat of your rusting '86 Chevy Nova.
 
You troll DVXuser before you leave for the first day of shooting, starting a thread called "which camera should I use?"
 
...you ask who's doing sound, and the director says "What do you mean? The camera has a mic on it!"
 
...crafty is a bag of ruffles and a liter of Coke. And you overhear the producer wondering how he's going to pay for it.

...the lead actor is late to set because he is also the transpo captain, greensman, costumer, caterer and grip.

...the director calls you at 2 am the morning of the shoot, wondering if he remembered to tell you that he expects you to find and bring a camera.

...lighting equipment consists of a half-dozen brand-new sun lamp fixtures from which you are told not to remove the price tags: they have to be returned for a refund at the end of the shooting day.

...the hero handgun turns out to be a real handgun.

...the bounce cards are 3x5s.
 
... during the film's big action scene, the cops and SWAT team raid the set/location because the director didn't get any type of permit or permission to brandish airsoft guns in public.

... the big action scene has to be re-shot because somebody forgot to paint over the orange tips of the airsoft guns.

... the steadicam is just a tripod with the center column extended and the legs folded up to provide counter-weight.

... the director rents a cherry picker to use as a camera crane. Of course, the scene has to be done in one hour because that's all the time that the film can afford to rent it for.

... the same house is used for five different locations.

... the crew are made up of illegal immigrants and homeless people that are working for room and board, which consists of a sleeping bag in the director's basement and some ramen noodles.

... its a sci-fi flick that is using the local forest preserve for an alien planet. In post they will just tweak the colors so the leaves are purple. The police also show up to this shoot because the actors who were running around with fake rayguns were scene by hikers who called the cops.

... the camera is so small, that when the police show up, they ask, "where's your camera Spielberg?"

... the director goes on and on about how his 5D mark II is so awesome because of interchangeable lenses, yet only has one lens for it.
 
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Nektonic said:
... the big action scene has to be re-shot because somebody forgot to paint over the orange tips of the airsoft guns.

... the steadicam is just a tripod with the center column extended and the legs folded up to provide counter-weight.

... the director rents a cherry picker to use as a camera crane. Of course, the scene has to be done in one hour because that's all the time that the film can afford to rent it for.

... the same house is used for five different locations.
Click to expand...

check, check, check, and check. Yep ... those all apply to something I've done. Ha. Sad! Though, our church rented the cherry picker to change the lights in the sanctuary. I just utilized it while I could.
 
Nektonic said:
... during the film's big action scene, the cops and SWAT team raid the set/location because the director didn't get any type of permit or permission to brandish airsoft guns in public.
Click to expand...

This will potentially be a check for me in the next few weeks. :undecided
 
Nektonic said:
... during the film's big action scene, the cops and SWAT team raid the set/location because the director didn't get any type of permit or permission to brandish airsoft guns in public.

... the big action scene has to be re-shot because somebody forgot to paint over the orange tips of the airsoft guns.

... the steadicam is just a tripod with the center column extended and the legs folded up to provide counter-weight.

... the director rents a cherry picker to use as a camera crane. Of course, the scene has to be done in one hour because that's all the time that the film can afford to rent it for.

... the same house is used for five different locations.

... the crew are made up of illegal immigrants and homeless people that are working for room and board, which consists of a sleeping bag in the director's basement and some ramen noodles.

... its a sci-fi flick that is using the local forest preserve for an alien planet. In post they will just tweak the colors so the leaves are purple. The police also show up to this shoot because the actors who were running around with fake rayguns were scene by hikers who called the cops.

... the camera is so small, that when the police show up, they ask, "where's your camera Spielberg?"

... the director goes on and on about how his 5D mark II is so awesome because of interchangeable lenses, yet only has one lens for it.
Click to expand...

Have we been on the same shoots?

MattinSTL said:
There's always a fluffer... but some guys call 'em a "producer"... same job.
Click to expand...
:shocked:
 
-when the grip and lighting package comes from homedepot. with tags still on to return them after.
 
... the pizza delivery guy blows a take by knocking on the door.

... your girlfriend has to play both female parts, and the wig she wears in one of the roles is the most expensive object purchased for the film.

... it begins with "HorseFilms Presents."
 
... the director is cooped up in the bathroom one morning near the last day of shooting because he ate Taco Bell way too many times for lunch and dinner over the film's production (mainly to save money on food costs while lensing his epic masterpiece).

... the script supervisor is also the boom op, assistant director, gaffer, grip, dolly grip, waterboy, holder of the reflector/foamcore, drives some of the actors around, carries stuff, and plays both the villain's goon as well as a background extra in a couple of scenes. And the best part is this person is either not getting paid or not getting paid enough.

... the director/producer/writer/dp/caterer/special fx artist who created the film charges the actors and crew for any DVD's that they want of the finished product.

... there is no color correction/grading on the finished master.

... pedestrians that pass by the set or location ask if you're making a porno.

... if and when the police show up to crash the filmmaking fun, they jump to conclusions and radio in that, "a bunch of dumb ass kids are shooting a snuff film."

... the big shoot out scene is about to commence, meaning that first the director attaches some fireworks to the end of the black spray painted water uzi the actor is holding, lights the wick, and runs back behind the camera and yells action (this one applies to a time before easy post production muzzle flash software plug-ins like Effects Lab were available).

... all dolly shots are done by borrowing one of those big luggage carts that every hotel has by the front lobby.

... the director doesn't believe in using unnatural light or any kind of camera stabilization device, not even a tripod because it just doesn't feel real man.
 
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