X-Elixir

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GrizzlyGuy

Active member
Deep inside the Third Reich, American GI's Buck Masterfield and Paul Bolden take on a cadre of superhuman Nazis who are hellbent on world domination. :kali: :violent5:


Hello all, this is my first post, and this will be my first screenplay. I couldn't resist the temptation to write some pulp fiction so I came out of lurk mode.

OK, gotta get back to reading the formatting chapter in "The Screenwriter's Bible" and seeing if Final Draft lives up to its billing. :)
 
Thanks, Nektonic!

My first draft is done, 10 pages goes by a lot quicker than I expected. The story I wanted to tell is all there, but I'm not happy with the pacing. Too slow in the beginning and rushed at the end. I'll try to correct that in my second draft.
 
Yeah, 10 pages can sometimes be hard to fit things into. My original attempt for the first scriptfest was way too long and had to be scrapped for something completely different. Sounds like you know what to fix though, streamline the opening and make sure there are enough details so that the ending leaves a good whallop.

Can't wait for some old-school style 1940's action. Sounds like your script will deliver it.
 
Nektonic said:
Can't wait for some old-school style 1940's action. Sounds like your script will deliver it.
Click to expand...

I hope so, I tried to write a story that I thought would be typical of the pulp stories of the late 40's and early 50's. The kind that teenage boys would read and talk about out on the sandlot ball field. Clear distinction between good and evil, heroes with surreal but believable special skills, lots of action, intrigue and treachery, and some cornball adolescent humor thrown in for good measure. Then again, this is my first screenplay so please set your expectations accordingly. :)

I finished my second and likely final draft over the weekend. The pacing is much better than it was before and I was able to add a bit more in the way of character development. But yes, 10 pages now seems real-real short!
 
Sounds good Grizzly. I think you and me are going to have the over-the-top entries of this fest. But hey, it will be fun.
 
Hey I'm the first to review :) Righto!

Spoilers//

Well I have to be honest in that I found this a little too comic book for me (of course its intended as such) but it lacks the more adult comic book qualities that are so popular in the kind of pulp we see (ala sin city) or even tarantino's forthcoming ww2 movie.

As a short script I have to confess that its demands on production value just make it almost impossible for this to ever be produced and perhaps it was my producer brain ticking, but i couldnt help thinking this was a bit like a guy with a box of toys (tanks here, castles there submarines here!)

Overall its a sterling effort though and i did enjoy it overall so well done mate.
 
Wow. Your first screenplay? That's brilliant! Probably the ending seemed a bit abrupt but I loved it anyway. Other than that I can't think of anything to add. Well done, it is a splendid effort. If this is your first effort, then you've got a big future ahead of you.
 
Barmy but really fun. Ending sort of had me confused I have to say.

Loved the line about playing football with your feet.

Great over-the-top Yanks rule feel, that made me laugh and yet was painfully on the nose!
 
Nice move going for a very different flavor of pulp than what most of us did. The over-the-topness of the script really give it that "help the war effort" flavor and I really liked that. It felt like a bit too much was going on for the length of the script. That much story deserved some more pages, but on the whole I enjoyed it a lot. It was a very nice different flavor in this fest.

I did find it amusing that you describe in your script that Professor Newbury speaks with a British accent. Is there ANY other way for a man with a moustache and monocle to speak? :)
 
Thanks for all the reviews!

lawriejaffa - Yes, I was shooting for a pulp story seemingly written in the 50's and targeted at teenage boys. Obviously not the audience we have here, but I wanted it to seem authentic. You're right, producing this would take a Spielberg-like budget!

ghalied - Thanks, I write software for a living. It's good to know that someone thinks I at least have a shot at another career if the recession takes out my day job. :)

Redcloak - Glad you enjoyed it. I promise that in my next one (if there is a next one) I'll have the Brits being the heroes instead of the Yanks. I'm in awe of what they did at Blechely Park (cracking the German's encryption system). If someone hasn't made a movie about that yet, one needs to be made.

krestofre - Hah! Yeah, I probably didn't need to mention Newbury's accent. I just wanted to make sure that people understood he was a traitor.

I agree about needing more pages to do it right. I initially envisoned much more, including an opening scene with Newbury meeting with a Celtic monk as he lay on his death bed. The monk would have told the story of the elixir, how it was discovered in ancient Greece and was the secret to Alexander's success, how the Romans got it during their conquest of Greece, etc.

There was also a backstory about Schmidt being Hitler's personal doctor and later being involved in human experimentation within the concentration camps. As it was, the ending was still a bit rushed and confusing as Redcloak pointed out.

Oh well, maybe next time. The first newbie lesson I've learned is that 10 pages is real-real short!
 
Grizz- they did, called Enigma I think. Wasn't very good. Could still do with a decent version.

And they made U-571 about the British Submarine that captured the enemy enigma machine that they used to eventually crack it. Except they made it an American submarine instead so they could cast Matthew McConaughey! Even though America hadn't joined the war at the time...
 
Bravo for doing this especially since it's your first. Big budget on show, but with lots of imagination. Well done.

Note: inclusions I would drop as it drags you out of the story and reminds the reader that they are in fact reading - not a good thing. Just do something like:

LEUTNANT KOCH
(German accent)

PROFESSOR NEWBURY
(Posh British accent)

...less distracting.

Dream scene felt a little tagged on (and formatted oddly).

Finally it all ended a bit quickly.

But solid story enjoyed the read. Thanks.


​
 
Redcloak said:
Grizz- they did, called Enigma I think. Wasn't very good. Could still do with a decent version.

And they made U-571 about the British Submarine that captured the enemy enigma machine that they used to eventually crack it. Except they made it an American submarine instead so they could cast Matthew McConaughey! Even though America hadn't joined the war at the time...
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I'll have to check out Enigma. Yes, when I first saw U-571 it kind of ticked me off that they had taken so many liberties with the history. I think it was HMS Bulldog that captured the enigma machine before the US had even entered the war as you say.

seansshack said:
Note: inclusions I would drop as it drags you out of the story and reminds the reader that they are in fact reading - not a good thing. Just do something like:

LEUTNANT KOCH
(German accent)

PROFESSOR NEWBURY
(Posh British accent)

...less distracting.

Dream scene felt a little tagged on (and formatted oddly).

Finally it all ended a bit quickly.

But solid story enjoyed the read. Thanks.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the comment Sean! I'll leave the notes out next time and do as you suggest. Your way is definitely less distracting.

In hindsight, maybe I should have left out the scene in Normandy where Buck and Paul take out the tanks. That would have left more space for the ending to not seem so rushed.

The dream sequence was supposed to be essential in that it gave Buck the secret for killing the SS guys a few years later (stab them with sticks, like in the vampire legends). He had flash backs of that dream just before the final fight.

I'm glad you enjoyed the story!
 
This was a fun romp through the war. I definitely see your motivation of a "PG13 pulp"...nice take on the subgenre.

I also think your main characters were original...relatively otherwise simple yokels who decide it would be swell to be little Sergeant Yorks.

Did you say this was your first at bat at writing?! If so...bravo, my friend. A bit over the top sure, but you definitely got on base. Keep swingin‘ away :beer:

Favorite Line:
"Hi-de-ho, Heinrich. Forget something?"
 
CallaghanFilms said:
This was a fun romp through the war. I definitely see your motivation of a "PG13 pulp"...nice take on the subgenre.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the comment! I'm glad you got my "PG13 pulp" thing, that's what I was shooting for. Nothing sophisticated enough for Hollywood, but similar to something in a dog-eared 50's pulp magazine that teenage boys would pass around.

Yes, this was my first shot at creative writing since doing essays in high school (more years ago than I choose to admit). In between drafts of this one, I whipped up a 1-pager for the "Less is More" contest over at MoviePoet.com. So I guess this is either my first or second script, depending on whether you count starting or finishing. :grin:
 
Hi Grizzly, I enjoyed the read, even if it was very all American. The sticks business wasn't very clear for me, there is no description that it is a Vampire in his dream, and there was no relation to the soldiers being like Vampires. If there was something that tied the two together, it would have worked. Other than that, it was fun, if it is budgetly impossible to make. Well done mate :beer:.
 
This was your first attempt? WOW!!!

I'm a newbie too, and I have to say, you've managed to master a lot of the things that I really had trouble with. Did you get a lot of feedback from other people before you submitted this?

Your action scenes are wonderful, and action is a very tricky thing to get right. You've said you might cut out the scene in Normandy with the tanks, but I wouldn't. Not only was it my favourite scene, but it really sets up the characters well.

Just a couple of things - this first scene seemed a little cliché. The British professor going to the abandoned castle lit by flame torches and reading magical scrolls and all that. I suppose that's not too bad, considering the kind of story you were aiming for, but please - get rid of the manic laughter at the end of the first scene! That just pushed it over from cliché to parody for me.

The dream sequence was written well, but it did seem a bit superfluous. I guess it's there because it was a requirement for the fest, but when you redraft it, I would either cut it out, or make the vampire reference much more obvious, because I totally didn't get it until I read it on here.

The ending did seem a little rushed, but I didn't mind it too much, because I knew it was a short, so it was never going to be able to go into all the detail I wanted it to. If you have the time and the inclination, I would really love to see a full length version of this - I think it's a fantastic story!
 
Thanks for the feedback!

I let my wife and mom read the script before submitting it, and my mom didn't get the point of the dream sequence either. I probably should have made it, and the later flashback to it, a little more clear as to the kill-em-with-wooden-stakes/sticks technique that I shamelessly borrowed from the Vampire legends.

Yup, Newbury's diabolical laughter was a bit over the top, even for a story that I deliberately wrote to be cornball and cliched for that classic pulp feel. I probably could have left out his stereotypical monacle too.

I'm glad you liked the Normandy scene. That one was the most fun to write. :)
 
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