Wooden Kimono

Hiya mate took time to read your script again as i was a little tired when i first read it - took more attention on your twists and reveals and yep, its not like i suggested, the typical dream ending - and fits quite neatly with the wooden kimono concept too!

Just thought i'd add that as theres nothing worse than getting bits of feedback wrong and confusing writers etc! Nice set up and very clever - you cunning fox you!
 
Callaghan man. I really liked this. The set up was great. It was original. It was clever. Great job.

Two very small smalls, the direction in the script made it a little harder to read through smoothly, I guess when your on the other side of the camera and you see direction, you start envisioning the camera move etc instead of just flowing on. And, I think personally, and this is just a preference thing, but I'd just fade this out after he says "Bittersweet..."
 
Noel Evans said:
Callaghan man. I really liked this. The set up was great. It was original. It was clever. Great job...
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Thank you on all accounts:beer:


Noel Evans said:
...Two very small smalls, the direction in the script made it a little harder to read through smoothly, I guess when your on the other side of the camera and you see direction, you start envisioning the camera move etc instead of just flowing on. And, I think personally, and this is just a preference thing, but I'd just fade this out after he says "Bittersweet..."
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Normally when I'm in spec script mode, I try to keep camera movements to the nitty gritty. Here, though, I felt a few more were necessary leading up to this rather "out there" payoff.
 
The Usual Suspects faux hook just before the real reveal was intentional...a little slight of hand to keep you off balance.
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...faux hook before the real reveal... that's awesome. :beer:

oh, i replied to your comments in my thread. post #21.
 
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I really loved the start of this script - I loved the way you have the VO covering the whole story, it felt it flowed really well, and felt really pulpy and noirish.
I really didn't like the ending though. I know you've explained why you've written it like that already, but I still don't dig it. It felt like a giant anticlimax, and i felt cheated out of a good ending. I can see why you wrote the ending like that, and it might have worked better if it didn't carry on afterwards. It's almost like we've been given this twist ending, and whether we like it or not is irrelevant, because it then goes on for a further two pages without adding anything to the story. Had you given us the reveal and then ended it there, I might have liked it more, but because its dragged on for so long, any enjoyment we may have had from the twist is removed because we're trying to work out whats going to happen next. And then nothing happens.
Sorry, I know you don't agree, but it's jut my two cents.

Most of your dialogue was lovely, but there were some words I just didn't understand. Maybe I'm being a bit dense, or maybe they're American words that I just not familiar with, being British. Here's the bits I just didn't understand - "The button-man am-scrays", "(sotto)", "butter and egg man", and "don ameche". Not understanding what you meant by these didn't affect the way I read the story, it still made sense reading it, but I took me out of the script because I had to stop and try and work out what it meant. Maybe I'm just being dense though.

One last point is your formatting. I know people have mentioned the camera directions already, so I wont dwell on that too much, but it does distract you when you're reading it, if you have to stop thinking about the story to try and imagine the camera directions. Generally, camera directions are the responsibility of the director, not the writer, and would only ever be included in a shooting script, not the screenplay.
Also, the way you've written some points could have been included in your action lines instead of sticking out as separate sections. For example -
(NOTE: He looks exactly .... shaggy hair and a beard) could have been just put in as an action line, instead of in brackets. This would help it read a lot better.

That might look like I didn't like your script, but with the exception of the ending, that I've already mentioned, I really really enjoyed it! It's one of the better ones I've read so far.
 
Love the title.

I would avoid using sentences such as "(NOTE: Think "THE GODFATHER" opening slowness)" - as it reads sort of like a pitch with a script.

+ all use of camera movements - I know you may direct this yourself and using it thus seems OK. I just find it to be a bad habit and distracts the reader - but all a matter of choice I guess.

Strong use of voice over - a good example of how it should be used.


Other than these grips. Strong start pulled me in. Good story and liked the ending (although found myself reading it a couple of times, because I was expecting it to go another way - which is good for your story).
 
Well done, extremely cleaver - you got me on everthing you were trying to get us on. As a filmmaker, and not just a script writer, the Direction did not annoy me, but added to my enjoyment as I knew everything you were trying to do and how it would look... But I suppose the writers amoungst us hate mixing the two - and also anything being slightly out of format:beer:. For this comp I did think some of the descriptions were a bit too precise and would give the Director nothing to do in pre-production! I did agree with the above that if after the twist you cut to titles sooner it would have a better impact. Fully enjoyed the read though, well done.
 
themightyshrub said:
...Most of your dialogue was lovely, but there were some words I just didn't understand. Maybe I'm being a bit dense, or maybe they're American words that I just not familiar with, being British. Here's the bits I just didn't understand - "The button-man am-scrays", "(sotto)", "butter and egg man", and "don ameche". Not understanding what you meant by these didn't affect the way I read the story, it still made sense reading it, but I took me out of the script because I had to stop and try and work out what it meant. Maybe I'm just being dense though...
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-am-scray is pig latin -
-(sotto) is a screenwriting device used to indicate a "stressed" and/or "accented" word(s)-
-the others you mentioned are not meant to be understood by anyone outside of Harry's gang, as they are codes-
themightyshrub said:
I really loved the start of this script - I loved the way you have the VO covering the whole story, it felt it flowed really well, and felt really pulpy and noirish...

...That might look like I didn't like your script, but with the exception of the ending, that I've already mentioned, I really really enjoyed it! It's one of the better ones I've read so far.
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Thanks for the kind words & Cheers:beer:
 
Fair enough.

Here's me being dense again though - what's a button man? All I can think of is a cockney pearly king, and to be honest, if one of those is running after him with a gun, that's not tense, that's hilarious!
 
seansshack said:
...Strong start pulled me in. Good story and liked the ending (although found myself reading it a couple of times, because I was expecting it to go another way - which is good for your story).
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Saying something of mine needed to be reread for that reason I take as super good:beer:
 
themightyshrub said:
Fair enough.

Here's me being dense again though - what's a button man? All I can think of is a cockney pearly king, and to be honest, if one of those is running after him with a gun, that's not tense, that's hilarious!
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-Button or Button Man, on the other hand, is fairly commonplace in crime/mafia stories...
it is low-level associate/member who is a "gun man" (IE he "pushes buttons" or makes hits)-
 
[SPOILERS]

the included camera shot is necessary for the script to make proper sense. if we knew what he looked like the whole time, then there would be no reveal (since it's the camera itself that makes the literal reveal of his face).
notice there weren't other shooting directions in the script, just the one that told the story...
 
preston said:
[SPOILERS]

the included camera shot is necessary for the script to make proper sense. if we knew what he looked like the whole time, then there would be no reveal (since it's the camera itself that makes the literal reveal of his face).
notice there weren't other shooting directions in the script, just the one that told the story...
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:beer:
 
Really liked this script. I like the atmosphere you create and you write dialogue really well.
I see and understand the reason for the camera directions i.e. the Godfather reference, but it did pull me out of story a bit.
But I was back in no time. Great use of V.O., not always easily accomplished.

I was thinking Usual Suspect myself and the writing was so good, I was hoping it wasn't going to be that obvious. Then you reall sucked me in with his Glass resemblance (nice work) and then twisted the other way. Excellent.

I was a little disappointed at the end, I think only because I really liked the world and characters in it. So I don't think thats really a bad thing. Really enjoyed this.
 
conlanforever said:
Really liked this script. I like the atmosphere you create and you write dialogue really well.
I see and understand the reason for the camera directions i.e. the Godfather reference, but it did pull me out of story a bit.
But I was back in no time. Great use of V.O., not always easily accomplished.

I was thinking Usual Suspect myself and the writing was so good, I was hoping it wasn't going to be that obvious. Then you reall sucked me in with his Glass resemblance (nice work) and then twisted the other way. Excellent.

I was a little disappointed at the end, I think only because I really liked the world and characters in it. So I don't think thats really a bad thing. Really enjoyed this.
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I am really enjoying that you really enjoyed it:beer:
 
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