SHORT: Whore

Hey, good job on this. It's well shot, we'll put together, great acting.

I had two problems with it though:

1) This thing was looooong. It felt like you were including every single shot you had just becuase you shot it. I mean we don't need to see all the travel times, and all the long build ups in conversations. The first phone conversation took about 3:30 seconds... Some short films are only that long and can have 3 times the amount of content. Remember, film time is not like real life. It's short, sweet, and to the point. When it got to the argument and she wasn't responding, I was just thinking 'get on with it!' Cut it down. Feels like this could have been a good 4-6 minutes. The intro shouldn't have taken more than a minute.

2) It's the same joke. This ties in with the first one because it's such a looong film for something with one punch line. It's a funny joke, the first time I saw it I laughed, and laughed near the end, but aside from that there's nothing else holding it together. For you to only have one joke like this, it shouldn't have been longer than maybe 3 minutes.

Anyways, good job, just be sure to cut things down. It's all about pacing, especially with a short film.
 
Jon thanks for the comments. I know its long. and I knew alot of people would be turned off by that. believe it or not the first cut was about twenty+ minutes long. That was reaction was what I was going for. I have made a couple of shorts and they average from 1 minute to 9. this is the longest one. I wanted to test myself and try to shoot something longer. I know the pacing is alittle slow at some points, but I wasnt trying to do a short one liner comedy short. Not that there is anything wrong with that (most of my shorts are).

During the argument I was wanting it to not be funny in content at all. I wanted it to be a very dramatic piece and then people realizing that it is all about a pizza. but I completely understand the flaws with it. they were put there purposely.

again thanks for watching and glad kind of enjoyed it. lol
 
yellowcake said:
Jon thanks for the comments. I know its long. and I knew alot of people would be turned off by that. believe it or not the first cut was about twenty+ minutes long. That was reaction was what I was going for. I have made a couple of shorts and they average from 1 minute to 9. this is the longest one. I wanted to test myself and try to shoot something longer. I know the pacing is alittle slow at some points, but I wasnt trying to do a short one liner comedy short. Not that there is anything wrong with that (most of my shorts are).
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But see, I mean no offense by this, but that's what it felt like. It felt like one long one liner joke. It just felt too long.

yellowcake said:
During the argument I was wanting it to not be funny in content at all. I wanted it to be a very dramatic piece and then people realizing that it is all about a pizza. but I completely understand the flaws with it. they were put there purposely.

again thanks for watching and glad kind of enjoyed it. lol
Click to expand...

Well the thing is that you already established it as a comedy by the time it got to the overly dramatic part. It's very hard to do both a drama and comedy and make both work very well. I mean it can be done, but for it to work the comedy has to be established more in reality. This is already far out with the way he reacts to pizza delivery. It's so silly that it's hard to take the drama part seriously at the beginning. Plus we already know they're talking about pizza, just takes a looong time to finally catch up. Though when it gets there it's pretty funny, especially the deep dish comment. :D

To be honest, I think you have something that can be great. The acting and content is great, it's funny, and you have a great visual stlye. Just try cutting it down to 4 minutes, take the best parts and put it together. I think it'll be 10 times better if you just cut out about half of it. You can have those lead ups, those moments where people aren't sure what's going on, but don't take too long.

(really, this used to be 20 minutes long!? wow...)
 
Jon if you get a second check out some of my other shorts. they are more structured and well... short. I agree with you that it is long, but I like it and that is how I wanted it to feel. I am going to trim the argument a couple of minutes. and im not pissed or anything at what you said, I really appreciate you giving me an honest critique of my work. thanks again man and I hope you like my other stuff as well. Keep in mind that some of them kind of suck!

http://www.youtube.com/my_videos?feature=mhum

sean
 
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